My husband sucks!

[alleycat]

A few weeks ago we were talking about going on vacation this summer. It's been three years since our last real vacation, our annual 10+ hours drive to see the in-laws does not count. I asked him if we could afford it, we now only have one income, he hasn't had a raise in two years, and we're looking for a new home. He said sure, we can go somewhere this year. So I start looking into different options. We talked about flying (he doesn't want that), driving (as long as it's close), or taking a cruise. I look into cruises since I think that would be the easiest. I tell him how I asked the kids if they want to go on a ship again and DD thinks it might sink. We talk about when we should go since he has to pick his vacation week now. I give him a per person estimate for a cruise. I call my cruise agent and she gives me a bunch of options. I was going to post in the Everywhere but Disney forum about connecting oceanview cabins vs a family suite. DH comes home from work tonight and I'm telling him the options. He stares at me and says how much is it going to cost and when do we have to make a decision by? Agent can only hold the room for 24 hours, it's always been like that. He claims it wasn't, not sure how he knows since he has never booked any of our vacations. We get into a big argument because he thought we were just talking about it and not really booking yet. He also thought it would only cost $3000 for five ppl, since his uncle got such a good deal three years ago paying a fraction of what we paid for the same cruise because he waited last minute. Um, he had an inside cabin on the lowest deck, we had a balcony. He doesn't think we can afford it since we're planning on buying a new home. Isn't that what I asked weeks ago???? So for the past few weeks I've been getting so excited about going on vacation, reading, planning, dreaming.... But now we're not going.

He does this to me all the time. He tells me something, I get excited about it, and then he pulls it out from under me. For example, DH: I found this great house. Me: I love the house (after seeing it). DH: oh we can't afford it. Then why did you tell me to go look at it????

I hate that we don't have money for extras. I hate that I was laid off and then decided to stay home with the kids, feel like it's my fault that our income got cut in half.

Feeling so sad and angry.


Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk 2

[PZMommy]

I'm sorry.

My DH does similar things. He was saying over winter break we could take a trip to the Grand Canyon or San Diego, etc. I was all excited about it and even made sure my parents didn't book a flight to come visit us during the time frame we had planned on going. Of course we never went on that trip. This is not the first time he has done it, and I should know better than to get excited.

[alleycat]

So after a night of switching from fuming to crying and back to fuming (I think I'm really stressed), I think I'm going book the cruise even tho DH is against it. I've been babysitting so I have some money. If I save the rest of the year's babysitting money, I'll have enough to pay for the cruise and gratuities. I'll just have to find cheap excursions or we'll stay on the ship.

I hope I don't feel guilty later.

Sent from my ADR6350 using Tapatalk 2

[TwinFoxes]

I know this is the BP, but that sounds like a bad idea.

[khalloc]

My husband does this same exact thing. he will say he wants to go someplace and tell me to look into it and plan it. So I will find airfare, and hotel/rental options. Then when I get back to him with the info, he will act disinterested. Now I LOVE LOVE LOVE vacations to warm tropical places so by this time I am so excited its all I think about. And then he acts like it doesnt matter and he just said it in passing and then he'll play the money card - We can go if I save up my money for it. I am bad at saving and he makes way more than I do. I complain and we do end up going but then for the next year or so I never hear the end of how "I wanted a vacation and couldnt stop talking about it..." When he was the one who brought it up and first put the idea into my head!

[hellokitty]

I know this is the BP, but that sounds like a bad idea.

:yeahthat: It sounds like your dh is reluctant to take a vacation due to $ issues. I don't blame him for feeling that way, and I get that you want to go somewhere, but maybe do something more local, like a wknd stay at an indoor waterpark or something, instead of like a $5000+ cruise.

[mommylamb]

Financial issues can be so stressful. I agree with PP that a long weekend away might be a better happy medium. I hope you can find something that works within budget. The last thing you want to do is book a vacation and then spend that time stressing about how much it costs rather than relaxing. Vacations are just so costly. Honestly, we've just done beach vacations where we drive and rent a house with others for the last several years because it is just so much cheaper. It costs us well under $1K for the week, including gas and food.

[AnnieW625]

I know this is the BP, but that sounds like a bad idea.

I agree. We haven't been on a real vacation that hasn't involved family since 2008, and our last resort style vacation was our honeymoon in 2003.

I would tell your DH that you really want a vacation this year and would be willing to put off the house until next year. If that doesn't work I think you just need to plan for a vacation next year.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

:yeahthat: It sounds like your dh is reluctant to take a vacation due to $ issues. I don't blame him for feeling that way, and I get that you want to go somewhere, but maybe do something more local, like a wknd stay at an indoor waterpark or something, instead of like a $5000+ cruise.
:yeahthat: like that venus/mars book says, i think many guys speak a different language. when you ask "oh can we go on vacation"? he may say "sure" as in, "sure, someday, that would be nice" ...and not really mean "oh yeah, start planning/booking!" frustrating though!

maybe you can find something more local and not as pricey as hk said, and your DH will be way more willing. i get that you want to go somewhere but i would try to do something closer/cheaper, esp if you think your DD has anxiety about being on boats (this is a future concern of mine as well with my kids). i hear you on not getting a real vacation...the only time we went on a cruise was for our honeymoon 7 years ago and our only trips post-kids was to 6hr drive to the ILs or do visit my family out of state. we both make/made pretty decent incomes too...it's just that it's really hard to swallow spending that much money on a trip, esp when it's still so much work going with young DC and they probably wouldn't remember it (that has been my take..my kids are young though, and i feel like i couldn't enjoy a vacation if i was constantly dealing with kid stuff, diapers etc).

i get the frustration on the house thing (why did he show it you if he didn't think he could afford it?). i'm guessing he just says things without really thinking them through... :S

[KrisM]

Feeling so sad and angry.

I'm sorry. :hug: I hope you can work it out so you can enjoy the vacation.

[basil]

My DH does this sort of thing too. Only he okays the purchase of whatever, then much later on when he is upset and stressed about something else, will bring it up again. He's even done this about our house purchase, saying that we shouldn't have spent so much on the house, we will lose money, etc., and it was all my idea I "had" to have the house...when it was not that way at all! (and it's not even a house we can't afford, we easily pay extra on our 15 year mortgage payment).

I think you'll regret booking the cruise without him going along with it.

[arivecchi]

I'm so sorry. That does really stink. Maybe you can look for work again so you regain some control? Wishing you the best. I'd personally go on the cruise.....

[alleycat]

You all are right, I would regret it and would feel extremely guilty. I'll look into less expensive options. But I really need a vacation, a relaxing one.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk 2

[SnuggleBuggles]

Post over on the vacation board. We can certainly find options in a lower price point. I've never spent more than $4k and usually just spend $1-2k or less.

[Piglet]

But I really need a vacation, a relaxing one.

Have you thought about a girls weekend or the like? I have done those every few years and I come back so much more recharged than after family vacations somehow. There is less stress (less packing for everyone else, less planning, less being a mom) and the cost is WAY cheaper (since you only need one ticket for everything). We often go camping as our family vacation, which is super cheap and we get great family time, so I feel no guilt over going on my own for a long weekend.

[minnie-zb]

How about a week at the beach? You could rent a condo or house at the beach for less money. I understand the need for a break and a change of scenery.

[Globetrotter]

Like PPs said, there are lots of cheaper options. When we cruise, we always stay in inside cabins on the lower decks - not like we spend much time there - and this allows us to take more vacations.

Sorry, I know this is the BP. I know how disappointing it is to plan for something that never happens - BTDT for different reasons, but it is always disappointing. I second the girl's weekend idea! That would be a much cheaper way for you to really relax and get away.

[TwinFoxes]

But I really need a vacation, a relaxing one.


I hope you get one! :hug:

[Reader]

I know this is the BP, but have you looked into Royal Caribbean? They have family ocean view cabins that hold 5 people & you would only need 1 cabin.

[Nooknookmom]

A few weeks ago we were talking about going on vacation this summer. It's been three years since our last real vacation, our annual 10+ hours drive to see the in-laws does not count. I asked him if we could afford it, we now only have one income, he hasn't had a raise in two years, and we're looking for a new home. He said sure, we can go somewhere this year. So I start looking into different options. We talked about flying (he doesn't want that), driving (as long as it's close), or taking a cruise. I look into cruises since I think that would be the easiest. I tell him how I asked the kids if they want to go on a ship again and DD thinks it might sink. We talk about when we should go since he has to pick his vacation week now. I give him a per person estimate for a cruise. I call my cruise agent and she gives me a bunch of options. I was going to post in the Everywhere but Disney forum about connecting oceanview cabins vs a family suite. DH comes home from work tonight and I'm telling him the options. He stares at me and says how much is it going to cost and when do we have to make a decision by? Agent can only hold the room for 24 hours, it's always been like that. He claims it wasn't, not sure how he knows since he has never booked any of our vacations. We get into a big argument because he thought we were just talking about it and not really booking yet. He also thought it would only cost $3000 for five ppl, since his uncle got such a good deal three years ago paying a fraction of what we paid for the same cruise because he waited last minute. Um, he had an inside cabin on the lowest deck, we had a balcony. He doesn't think we can afford it since we're planning on buying a new home. Isn't that what I asked weeks ago???? So for the past few weeks I've been getting so excited about going on vacation, reading, planning, dreaming.... But now we're not going.

He does this to me all the time. He tells me something, I get excited about it, and then he pulls it out from under me. For example, DH: I found this great house. Me: I love the house (after seeing it). DH: oh we can't afford it. Then why did you tell me to go look at it????

I hate that we don't have money for extras. I hate that I was laid off and then decided to stay home with the kids, feel like it's my fault that our income got cut in half.

Feeling so sad and angry.


Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk 2

Hugs. 22 hrs of marriage and I NEVER get excited about anything anymore unless I'm actually doing it...like on a plane! I was not that person before DH. i wanted to do something? i made it work out.

My DH is just like urs... I want to go to say a concert....ok so I would get all excited and he would wait too long for tix. Done.

Get excited about a mini vaca to say - havasu....changed his mind. UGH!

Now??? I take the girls and do things alone if I have to.

We have to watch every nickel and I somehow make things happen...grandparents are good for helping too. When they took us to the beach (east coast one-drive from their house my dad stayed home) it was the girls and I & my mom.

I called our fav place and negotiated for the best room rates/and have surfed OL for them. Also, we only eat out for a big meal at dinner. Find ways to cut costs.

We couldn't afford a $3000 cruise either....but could make a shorter cheaper idea work. You can do it!!! Make it happen bc you need it!

Oh and Sorry he's a putz. Mine is too ;)

[karstmama]

my s-i-l, whom i love, likes to think out loud. she makes declarative statements that you'd swear she meant every word of, but she's just trying it on for size. took me a long time to figure that out. any chance that's your husband? and bummer about getting all excited and feeling shot down when he brought it up. :(

[justlearning]

I asked him if we could afford it, we now only have one income, he hasn't had a raise in two years, and we're looking for a new home. He said sure, we can go somewhere this year.

I'm sorry that he wasn't fully listening to you and that you did all the planning work only to find out that he wasn't fully on board with the idea. You definitely have a right to bitch about that--I'd be angry too! When I read your post, I was wondering what you felt--do you feel like you can afford it and could present a good argument for why you can? In a marriage, it's good to discuss these matters together instead of one spouse taking responsibility for making the financial decisions. We're currently taking the Financial Legacy Dave Ramsey class and when you as a couple discuss where you're at financially, looking at your budget, your goals, etc., these decisions become much easier to make. If you haven't already had these specific discussions together, perhaps you could try to do that with your husband to get on the same page? But just be sure to do it at a time when he's actually listening to you! Hugs...

[petesgirl]

My DH does this sort of thing too. Only he okays the purchase of whatever, then much later on when he is upset and stressed about something else, will bring it up again. He's even done this about our house purchase, saying that we shouldn't have spent so much on the house, we will lose money, etc., and it was all my idea I "had" to have the house...when it was not that way at all! (and it's not even a house we can't afford, we easily pay extra on our 15 year mortgage payment).

I think you'll regret booking the cruise without him going along with it.

Ha!! I do this with our house, but I really was against how much we spent on it and our monthly payment stresses me out. Mental note to try not to do this anymore.