Using the Potty for control/attention

[BabbyO]

My DNiece is 3 and has been daytime potty trained since early fall (Sept/Oct). My sister is struggling with 2 issues right now.

1. When DN tells her she needs to use the potty, she still expects a treat/present. They used skittles or something while PTing. HOW do you stop with the bribes and still get the child to use the potty?

2. DN never has accidents at the babysitter's house, but often does at my sister's house. My sister has noticed it seems to occur when she is cooking or otherwise occupied and not able to play with DN. BIL travels a lot and is gone most weeks so my sister is running the show. It seems like DN is upset that she isn't getting attention so she's purposely peeing on the floor. For example, last week she told my sister she had to go potty before her bath. My sister got her on the potty, then went to draw DN's bath (split toilet/tub area in their bathroom). When she got back, to help DN, DN had gotten off the potty and peed in the rug infront of the toilet. DN has also gone on the carpet in her bedroom. My sister doesn't feel that it is truly an accident as she hasn't had an accident since about Thanksgiving at the babysitter's house.

Any BTDT advice? I'm a bit out of my league since DS PTed a little later (3+), but he initiated it so we didn't really have to do bribes and didn't have the struggle with accidents during the day.

[BDKmom]

No advice on the attention part, but we are dealing with the treat issue with DS. He has been PT for about 9 mos and occasionally still asks for a treat. We usually just try to put him off or distract him. Sometimes we can get away with just saying that he's a big boy now and doesn't need treats for going to the potty. But that expectation lingered for quite a while. I'm guessing that it will gradually decline with time. It's definitely an unintended side effect of using that strategy that I wish I had thought of/heard about before deciding to use it as an incentive.

[HannaAddict]

She is only three so I wouldn't worry about the treat deal much. (Though mine could care less about treats or stickers and just did it on their own schedule during the there's.). I think the second issue isn't trying to get attention, as much as your sister is distracted or doing something, versus focusing on the three year olds cues. I bet much of being potty trained is also having the sitter paying attention and getting her to the potty on time. Cooking and cleaning and taking care of the stuff that needs to get done definitely can make it harder to focus on potty stuff! Both things seems totally normal for a three year old and I wouldn't attribute any adult type motivation to it ( control, attention seeking). Just in my IRL experience, many three year olds, especially younger three year olds, who don't initiate potty training themselves, are "potty trained"'as long as their caregiver is totally focused or they have accidents. Later threes and fours, or kids who initiate it themselves ( not just going once or twice) are less likely to need the constant focus. Good luck.

[BabbyO]

She is only three so I wouldn't worry about the treat deal much. (Though mine could care less about treats or stickers and just did it on their own schedule during the there's.). I think the second issue isn't trying to get attention, as much as your sister is distracted or doing something, versus focusing on the three year olds cues. I bet much of being potty trained is also having the sitter paying attention and getting her to the potty on time. Cooking and cleaning and taking care of the stuff that needs to get done definitely can make it harder to focus on potty stuff! Both things seems totally normal for a three year old and I wouldn't attribute any adult type motivation to it ( control, attention seeking). Just in my IRL experience, many three year olds, especially younger three year olds, who don't initiate potty training themselves, are "potty trained"'as long as their caregiver is totally focused or they have accidents. Later threes and fours, or kids who initiate it themselves ( not just going once or twice) are less likely to need the constant focus. Good luck.

I would agree with this except that the sitter has said DN will tell her when she has to go potty, but at home she will not tell my sister. As a matter of fact, my sister will ask, encourage, implore her to go when she gets home, but DN refuses, then goes in her pants less than 5 min later. She actually got OFF of the potty to pee on the rug? I don't think that was an accident.

I'm sure there is a grain of truth to my sister being distracted, but one more than one occasion, she recognizes DN has to go, and DN will refuse then wet her pants.

[Simon]

I get what you are saying about the on purpose bit. If she is sure, I think DSister has to not give DN attention related to accidents. In that situation, I would probably tell my kid, in my best imitation of a rushed and inattentive parent, "Oh, an accident, put your clothes and the rug in the bathtub and get some new clothes, I'm busy." And then, when I was able to give attention, I'd probably say, "Hey, let's play a game. Oh, wait, we can't because we have to clean up from the accident." I would want my Dc to understand that having an accident doesn't earn them immediate attention, and also that purposeful accidents take away from play/fun time with me. We haven't used bribes yet so I can't help there, except to say she could have a final bribe. DN clearly knows how to stay dry if she wishes. So now she gets a sticker for every whole day she stays dry and once she earns 5, 10, 14, then she gets a bigger present. Or a "graduation" present.

[BabbyO]

I get what you are saying about the on purpose bit. If she is sure, I think DSister has to not give DN attention related to accidents. In that situation, I would probably tell my kid, in my best imitation of a rushed and inattentive parent, "Oh, an accident, put your clothes and the rug in the bathtub and get some new clothes, I'm busy." And then, when I was able to give attention, I'd probably say, "Hey, let's play a game. Oh, wait, we can't because we have to clean up from the accident." I would want my Dc to understand that having an accident doesn't earn them immediate attention, and also that purposeful accidents take away from play/fun time with me. We haven't used bribes yet so I can't help there, except to say she could have a final bribe. DN clearly knows how to stay dry if she wishes. So now she gets a sticker for every whole day she stays dry and once she earns 5, 10, 14, then she gets a bigger present. Or a "graduation" present.

I like the idea of a Graduation present. My sis actually talked to her Doc about it at DN's 3 yo well child check yesterday. The doc agrees that DN is using it for attention or some other similar reason. I told my sister the same thing about bringing the attention WAY down if she could. So hard to do in the moment. The doc also recommended activities instead of things as the reward for going to the bathroom. Like, "yay, you didn't have an accident today, now we can paint together...or play a game, etc."

Hopefully she can put some of it into practice and get some good results. But I know she said she's struggling with DN flat out refusing to use the potty at home....won't sit on it at all and just wets her pants, etc even when my sister KNOWS she has to go to the bathroom. She's a very stubborn little girl....

[candaceb]

To end the treats, I made a sticker chart with space for 10 stars. He got a star for every day that he was accident-free for the entire day. The deal was that when he got his 10 stars, I would take him to the local toy store and he could pick whatever he wanted, and he wouldn't get any more potty treats after that. It worked out really well. Surprisingly, he picked a doll stroller! I was sure he would go for a Bruder fire truck. He asked for treats a few times after that but I just reminded him that he had gotten his "grand prize" and there were no more treats.

[123LuckyMom]

We did a star chart, too, with big, sparkly star stickers that I then made into magnets so they could be used over and over. The treats absolutely backfired for me, too, but we still use the stars at our house. At first there was a gift attached to earning lots of stars, but that backfired, too. Now the reward is pride in a job well done.

I agree that the key to the attention getting behavior is to starve it of attention. I love the idea of a delay and then cleaning instead of playing. That's brilliant, and I'm going to use that one the next time DS dumps out all his stuffies to indicate his displeasure!

[HannaAddict]

I would agree with this except that the sitter has said DN will tell her when she has to go potty, but at home she will not tell my sister. As a matter of fact, my sister will ask, encourage, implore her to go when she gets home, but DN refuses, then goes in her pants less than 5 min later. She actually got OFF of the potty to pee on the rug? I don't think that was an accident.

I'm sure there is a grain of truth to my sister being distracted, but one more than one occasion, she recognizes DN has to go, and DN will refuse then wet her pants.

It is always hard to give advice via a text or email as often information or details change. Don't get into a battle, just wait it out. She will do it when she is ready and not before, sticker chart or gummy bears or m & m's didn't do a thing for any of my three. They all could care less and just did it in their three year old year when they were ready. No angst or power struggles. Good luck.