Changes in behavior at preschool. Sorry so long

[IansMom]

DS4 (5 in 8 days) is in his second year of preschool (combined ages 2.5-5 years) at a Reggio school. He goes 5 days a week for 3 hours each day. He has enjoyed going to school until recently. These past few weeks (maybe since the third week of January?) have been touch and go. It began with the lead teacher telling me one Friday he had an off week, and that he hasnt been following directions and has been rude (talking back to the teachers). I was shocked because he had been completely normal at home. Although now that I think about it, some mornings he said he does say that he doesnt want to go to school (but he wont say why). One day of that week, he complained to DH that a child hit him, but he didnt want to hit back because it wasn't nice.

Some days of each week, she has told me he hasnt been following directions. This past Monday, she said wouldn't sit for circle time, kept putting his feet out to trip other children and spit (!) on the floor when he was placed in timeout. I just could not believe it because when I pick him up, he acts like nothing is wrong and is completely normal. After school, I asked him what he did at school--he corroborated the teacher's story and I sent him to his room (except for food and bathroom) and told him there would be no tv and no ipad. He seemed very upset and a few hours later we talked about behavior and what was expected.

Tuesday and Wednesday were fine according to the teacher. DS was back to his "old self." Yesterday, the lead teacher was absent and when I picked up DS, none of the other teachers mentioned his behavior. Today, when I picked him up, he was crying. Lead teacher says he had another rough day. Apparently, he mistakenly spilled another child's water and got upset and tried to clean it up. The teacher said spilling the water was no big deal and she cleaned it up. She says DS was rude and told her that she upset him and he didnt like her. She says he was also disrespectful to the other teacher but didnt mention specifics.

When I talked to DS at home, he said he spilled his friend's water and the teacher moved him from the table and wouldnt let him "sit with his friends" (maybe she needed to clean the spilled water?) and he told her he was upset with her and didnt like her. I asked what the other teacher said and he told me she said "Be good" and he told her that he didnt want to be good. I told him that his behavior was not acceptable and that he cannot speak to the teachers like that. Again, he has no electronics.

I don't know exactly what advice I am asking, but is this normal behavior? What should I do? I hate that he is saying that he doesnt want to go to school. It just seems odd to me that his behavior has changed but the teachers are the same--although lead teacher is pregnant and has been absent more than usual. I have found out that there is some discontentment among the other teachers with the lead teacher. Of course, the kids have shifted over the years. He just seems so normal at home. He came home today, and after he finished crying and telling me the story, he asked for his math workbook and completed 20 pages.

Any thoughts, advice, comments are appreciated. Thank you.

[maestramommy]

Is your DS very sensitive? With the lead teacher being pregnant and gone more, AND the discontent among other teachers, I wonder if he can sense tension in the air, and is reacting to it.

[IansMom]

This is a good question. He is sensitive. But would/can his sensitivity cause him to react with such poor behavior? And if this is the case, what should I do? Withdrawing him from the school seems so extreme but I want to do what is in his best interest.

[KpbS]

Perhaps the inconsistent classroom teachers is challenging for your DS. Different teachers have such varying styles, personalities, ways of relating to kids, and classroom procedures. I'm not sure how you found out that their is some discontentment with the lead teacher but I wonder if your DS is picking up on that as well. Have you noticed him picking up and reacting to strong emotions at home, eg. arguing, hurried schedules, etc.? Is he sensitive to tone of voice? I imagine the spilled water truly wasn't any big deal but if the responding teacher used a really negative tone or said something sharp out of frustration in the moment, my sensitive DC would definitely be affected.

I would probably talk with him several times to see if he can give you an explanation for what is "different" about school lately. I wouldn't bring up his getting in trouble or misbehavior but just see what he can tell you about the teachers, his friends, schedules, etc. Are they not playing outside as much due to the winter weather? Is the staff collectively concerned about something at the school, eg. changes on the horizon? I would most likely drop him down to 3 mornings a week and see if things stabilize with him wanting to go to school and his behavior.

[TwinFoxes]

Maybe I'm raising heathens, but this doesn't sound so bad to me. My DDs' preschool (NAEYC co-op) wouldn't have put anyone into timeout for what you describe. He was already punished once at school, I wouldn't have taken away privileges, particularly more than one for a long period of time. Maybe I'm the outlier, but I would have just let the school handle it. Pulling him seems really extreme to me.

[mmommy]

Maybe I'm raising heathens, but this doesn't sound so bad to me. My DDs' preschool (NAEYC co-op) wouldn't have put anyone into timeout for what you describe. He was already punished once at school, I wouldn't have taken away privileges, particularly more than one for a long period of time. Maybe I'm the outlier, but I would have just let the school handle it. Pulling him seems really extreme to me.
:yeahthat: I don't see anything outside normal age-appropriate behavior. Not all such behaviors are fun, but they are pretty common for kids this age IME.

[IansMom]

Thank you all for your responses. It is really helpful because I worried about this off and on all night. I admit I may have overreacted with punishing at home, too. I was just so shocked. These are the first bad reports I have ever received about his behavior, and they seem to be increasing.

I found out about the teacher discord from another parent who has a second child in the preschool (her first is in kindergarten), so this is her fourth year with this class and this group of teachers. She is friends with two of them (there are 4 teachers in this class with one more that rotates). The Lead Teacher told me that she is leaving at the end of this school year to stay home with her child. She has been calling in sick more frequently. Last year, two of the teachers were "lead" (and I really love how the "other" lead teacher interacts with my child), but this year we have just one.

I didnt think his behavior yesterday sounded that bad either, so I didnt punish him for very long. I understand why he was upset. I just dont like picking him up and hearing "DS had another bad day today."

This weekend, I think we will just relax, play and do some fun activities. I will talk to him when there is a good moment to see if he can tell me what is different about the class.

Thank you all again. I feel a lot calmer.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm glad you're feeling better. I, too, would recommend restraint on the punishing. I'd talk about it with him in a calm, explaining way, not a disappointed, critical voice. You don't want to make him feel worse about himself or school or start to define himself as a naughty kid, kwim? Asking him how he might have responded differently might work better than taking away electronics. I think he's picking up on tension and having a rough patch. I think it will be fine with gentle correction.

[twotimesblue]

I'm really surprised that they are using time outs in a Reggio school. My DS also goes to a Reggio preschool (the principal is one of the leading authorities on the method in the US) and they are very anti time-outs. All of the Reggio schools we toured said they were anathema to their teachings of collaborative dispute resolution vs punishment. I would probably investigate this further as it likely doesn't gel with the rest of their philosophies and your DS may be picking up on the inconsistency.

[IansMom]

I'm really surprised that they are using time outs in a Reggio school. My DS also goes to a Reggio preschool (the principal is one of the leading authorities on the method in the US) and they are very anti time-outs. All of the Reggio schools we toured said they were anathema to their teachings of collaborative dispute resolution vs punishment. I would probably investigate this further as it likely doesn't gel with the rest of their philosophies and your DS may be picking up on the inconsistency.

Thank you for this information because I did not know Reggio schools are anti-timeout! The school advertises as the only school in this region with teachers trained in Italy to use the Reggio approach. I will be investigating this further.

[Momit]

Since he mentioned being hit, do you think there's a chance he's being bullied at school or having a conflict with another student? This could maybe cause him to act out in the way he his. Not trying to cause alarm but it is something else to consider. I was recently surprised to learn that bullying behavior exists in preschool.

I agree with a more gentle approach to discipline as you figure out what's going on.

[ahisma]

Do they specifically say that he had a "bad day". That would bother me. A rough day, for sure, but not a bad day.

ITA with PP that what you describe would not be a timeout event in our preschool.

I also agree that it could be related to the change in schedules with the teachers. My DS1 has a really, really hard time with subs. He's a model student (teacher's words, not mine) but gets very stressed out by subs. I think ti's because the routine changes.

[IansMom]

Do they specifically say that he had a "bad day". That would bother me. A rough day, for sure, but not a bad day.


Yes, she is literally telling me "DS had another bad day today" when I arrive to pick him up.

[twotimesblue]

IansMom, you might also find the paragraph below helpful. There is a boy in my DS's class who is quite aggressive, rambunctious, has trouble listening to instructions etc and the Reggio teachers go out of their way to accommodate him without disrupting the other students. One teacher takes him to the yard and runs laps with him before 'morning meeting 's help get some energy out. If he does something to upset another kid (or staff member), a teacher brings them together to talk about the incident, asks them how they feel about it, why J's actions made XX feel sad etc. It makes them reflect on their behavior and see how it impacts others without punishment. It is very collaborative, and it has really improved this "problem" child's behavior since the start of the school year last September. My DS was very scared of him at first (their temperaments couldn't be more different) but I saw them happily playing with blocks together last week. I would definitely find out if you have been mis-sold the school's philosophy, as they seem to be singling out your DS for what is very age appropriate behavior.

"The Reggio Emilia philosophy, in which each child is accepted for his or her unique learning style, facilitates acceptance of all children. The continuum for acceptable behavior is quite broad. A child who is very active is not seen as a problem but as a child who needs to move around during the day, and adaptations are made for that child. Drugs are not given to children for behavior problems. Adaptations are made in the environment through thoughtful observation of the child. Children are valued because of their differences and are not medicated or expected to change. This assumption fosters a flexible and adaptive attitude that children and families find very supportive. This attitude also supports the process of assisting the children in developing self-knowledge and insight about their own learning style, interests, and strengths".

[IansMom]

Thank you, twotimesblue. That is very helpful. DS has been so easygoing and excited to go to school that I have never investigated whether the discipline in the classroom is inline with Reggio. I plan to talk to the assistant director this week.

[chlobo]

I don't know if this will be helpful or not but during my son's first year at preschool he became quite unhappy. There were many days he cried on the way to school. Some days I didn't even drop him off b/c he seemed so upset. Given how much he disliked going, he was always fine and cheerful at home. He also couldn't articulate why he didn't want to go. For his second year we changed schools and it was much, much better.

I'm not saying that a school change is necessary just that if he's that unhappy, there has to be something going on, either with another student or the teacher. In the end, we think my son just didn't like the lead teacher. I say follow your gut.