Is snack really that important to you?

[MSWR0319]

I just hate situations like this. DS has a severe peanut allergy. He is not allowed to eat things made from other people's homes. I have been providing the snack for the parties his class has held this year so he can enjoy a treat with them. There are only 6 kids. I get an email from the teacher that she's had two parents ask about snack for this party and they really really want to do snack. She asked me what I wanted to do. I just feel like I'm stuck because if they bring snack then DS will have to eat something different. Which isn't that big of a deal, he does this when we got to other people's houses for dinner, etc but I like him to feel as "normal" as possible at school so he doesn't feel left out. But I know what will happen. The parent will then complain and be offended that I don't let him eat it because she thinks it's safe. She got offended when I checked the juice boxes she brought in for the last party. I know her fairly well so I don't know why she gets offended. I'm just reading labels. It's nothing personal. Why is bringing a snack so important for parents? The craft the other parent prepared at the last part was made with food container so hat still had crumbs in and they thought nothing of it. I don't expect them to. This isn't their life. They aren't used to being careful about food, but don't get offended if my child can't participate. It's not personal! If I could just take snack in, the problem would be solved. I just don't know what to tell the teacher.

[ArizonaGirl]

I'm sorry, that sounds really difficult.

DS is allergic to strawberries, but he has never had anaphylaxis just hives, I really can't imagine how difficult that is.

:hug:

[egoldber]

It may be that important to them or to their child for some reason. I would just pack your son a separate snack. I know it's hard, but you can't provide the snack for the whole class forever. Easing into it now may be even more normalizing for him than waiting until later.

I don't get why she's offended by you reading labels. That's just weird.

[123LuckyMom]

I'm sorry! It sucks to have to be an advocate and an educator when you're just trying to keep your kid safe!

[TwinFoxes]

What a weirdo. Seriously, she's an oddball. You aren't the one doing anything wrong. Why does she care what your kid eats?

[elizabethkott]

UGH.
Some people really are just incapable of getting it. My MOTHER gets offended when I read labels before allowing DS1 to eat or drink something because of his orange and strawberry allergies. I just don't care anymore. I go ahead and do it, and make sure she sees me doing it. Good thing I do, too, because she tried to give him some mango smoothie thing that had orange juice in it. Her reaction? "Oh - I didn't even realize it had orange juice in it!" BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T READ THE LABEL, MOM.
If she's offended, that's HER issue.

[AshleyAnn]

Argh some People are so weird. Our preschool partys are all potluck style and I hate having to remember to bring something - I'd love a momma forever if they'd volunteer to just handle it!

If you decide to say yes to appease her I'd ask the teacher take the heat that its a school policy he can only eat items you approve of (initial or something so it looks legit), otherwise he gets nada. If she bitches you check the label before saying yes or no I'd reply "its a habit, pass the bean dip" and move on. Can't argue with crazy but you can refuse to discuss it

[belovedgandp]

No I don't get it. My kids don't have food allergies, but I'm an experienced room parent and must say I have seen it all. I personally appreciate it when a parent does exactly what you have been doing.

But there are people who must make a certain treat and get their Martha Stewart/Pinterest vibes out for some reason. Kids don't care what it looks like they are excited to have a break from routine and a special treat.

I might still make some kind of treat for the whole class and then an extra/different one for your son.

[Green_Tea]

It may be that important to them or to their child for some reason. I would just pack your son a separate snack. I know it's hard, but you can't provide the snack for the whole class forever. Easing into it now may be even more normalizing for him than waiting until later.



My DD1 has a peanut allergy, and I understand how scary it feels. I think egoldber give wise advice. If your DS's lifelong reality will be that he cannot eat a snack that's brought into school by someone other than his mom, that's something to get used to now.

My kids are older now, so I have little perspective. For some parents and kids it really is that important to them to get a chance to contribute the snack. I even see that now, as a teacher. I have parents who really feel strongly about contributing. It was never something I personally cared about, so I don't completely understand it, but it is pretty common.

[westwoodmom04]

I'm not a FA parent, but I can see how scary this issue must be. I third the advice that there are always going to be parents lobbying to bring in snacks, the "sweet snack" slot at my kid's class parties is always the first people volunteer for.

[HannaAddict]

She shouldn't be offended that you read labels, but I would find it very odd for one parent to insist on always doing snack because of their child's allergy. That seems very strange and controlling. Your child needs to be safe but that doesn't mean all the kids need to have what you prepare, every single time. That might be what you are sensing. I don't have any Martha Stewart vibes to get out (unless she serves pirates booty and string cheese!) but my kids were all excited when we brought snack. Kids like being the "host" and providing it, they just do. Of course the snack should be safe, even if you don't allow your child to eat it, but you can't really dictate this one. We have varying peanut allergies at school and no one ever brings peanut anything, but some kids eat a snack their parents provide and it isn't a big deal to the kids. I think insisting on bringing it every time and anger at other parents for wanting to participate in this experience (and it is a preschool
experience) isn't reasonable. Sorry.

ETA. Only after did I see this was Bitching Post, on my phone it didn't show up or I didn't see it and you asked why it was a big deal. Sorry. Food allergies are awful. Hope you can work something out.

[Pennylane]

I don't have a child with FA, but I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way!

Ann

[maybeebaby08]

I'm a room parent and the other room parent always insisted doing the food and if felt bad because of the time prep/cost. She recently said it's easier because she has to know exactly what her DD is eating for allergy reasons. I was fine after I knew that because I get how important it is. I babysit a child with Type 1 Diabetes and I've learned most people (teachers, other parents, even some school nurses) don't understand restrictions unless they live it. I wouldn't care if she's offended if you read labels, and might just send a different snack for DC if it's going to be a big deal.


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[ahisma]

When I was room mom, I always gave the FA patents first dibs on snacks.

[Chitowngirl]

I'm not a FA parent and I'll admit I didn't "get it" until a few years ago. A few years ago I would have thought it was weird or overkill if you read every label or didn't trust me if I said I already checked. Then a little girl with a peanut allergy died in Chicago at a class party after eating food that was brought in and supposed to be safe. It was all over the news around here at that time. That was the first time is really understood what it must be like to be a FA parent. I'm sure the other parents are well meaning enough, but just don't get it. I wouldn't let that bother you or even worry what the other parents say or think. You have to do whatever you need to to keep your child safe and to be able to sleep at night.

[BunnyBee]

My kids love love love bringing snack. I don't care anything about it when it has to be store bought. I do enjoy making treats for others, to be honest. Would the school change to store bought only, sealed, labeled items? Most seem to have done that for FA and other liability concerns.

Being offended at label reading is definitely the other mom's problem, not yours! That's totally strange.

[HannaAddict]

I'm not a FA parent and I'll admit I didn't "get it" until a few years ago. A few years ago I would have thought it was weird or overkill if you read every label or didn't trust me if I said I already checked. Then a little girl with a peanut allergy died in Chicago at a class party after eating food that was brought in and supposed to be safe. It was all over the news around here at that time. That was the first time is really understood what it must be like to be a FA parent. I'm sure the other parents are well meaning enough, but just don't get it. I wouldn't let that bother you or even worry what the other parents say or think. You have to do whatever you need to to keep your child safe and to be able to sleep at night.

I don't think it is odd at all not to trust what others bring, but rather than try and control the whole class, I would just provide a snack for my child. That is the norm here at the co-op and drop-off preschools my kids have attended and elementary school. Each child is assigned a day to bring snack, parents are free to switch, no peanuts or eggs at preschool, and the children with serious food allergies usually provide their own. It seems easier and less obtrusive than one person doing it all and deciding what everyone else has, since some kids have things they love to bring (not peanuts!). I totally empathize with those dealing with food allergies, my kids are very aware of which friends have them, and I know it would be hard to relinquish the safety net of only having food you provided.

[Neatfreak]

It's not important to me, but it's important to my kids, particularly the five year-old. Maybe the other parents in the class were put in a similar position?

[MSWR0319]

She shouldn't be offended that you read labels, but I would find it very odd for one parent to insist on always doing snack because of their child's allergy. That seems very strange and controlling. Your child needs to be safe but that doesn't mean all the kids need to have what you prepare, every single time. That might be what you are sensing. I don't have any Martha Stewart vibes to get out (unless she serves pirates booty and string cheese!) but my kids were all excited when we brought snack. Kids like being the "host" and providing it, they just do. Of course the snack should be safe, even if you don't allow your child to eat it, but you can't really dictate this one. We have varying peanut allergies at school and no one ever brings peanut anything, but some kids eat a snack their parents provide and it isn't a big deal to the kids. I think insisting on bringing it every time and anger at other parents for wanting to participate in this experience (and it is a preschool
experience) isn't reasonable. Sorry.

ETA. Only after did I see this was Bitching Post, on my phone it didn't show up or I didn't see it and you asked why it was a big deal. Sorry. Food allergies are awful. Hope you can work something out.

Just to be clear I did not insist on bringing snack to the parties. I'm not trying to control anything. The way I worded it may have lead you to believe that. The first two parties no one signed up. I was going to be at the parties so I didn't want to take away from others. The teacher asked me if I wanted to provide the snack, so I did. The last party she just asked me to provide snack from now on because no one ever wanted to sign up and that way DS got to participate. The kids take turns bringing a snack every Friday and he never gets to eat it. He's ok with that but she thought it would be nice for him to be able to eat the same thing as his classmates once in awhile. Technically, there isn't supposed to be homemade items in the classroom per the letter from our allergist but I have let it slide because I know all of the parents in the class. I'm not angry at the fact that they want to participate, I'm more angry at the rudeness I'm going to get from not allowing my child to eat it. I know my son is going to encounter situations like this in the future. He's used to having eat something different, I just don't want him to be judged or treated differently by the parents or other kids because they are offended that I'm checking the food or not allowing him to eat it. Two of the parents have already thrown a fit because on the days when they have community snack their kids have wanted what I sent with DS instead of their own and complained. I just am tired of all the complaining I guess. I also feel like this is something the teacher should have handled and either said "Yes, that's fine" or "no, I told XX's mom she was in charge." Not "well let me see if xx's mom doesn't want to do snack." The teacher was blaming this all on me when the snack was her idea. So I'm either going to get it for not allowing him to eat or get it for providing the snack. I do plan on letting the mom do it, I just don't want the backlash or understand why I get it.

[MamaMolly]

Mama, you have all my sympathy. I totally and completely understand. When I find myself in the throes of a situation like yours I can't help it. I get snippy and make my kid the most AMAZING snack. Like cupcake with frosting and huge gobs of candy, and all kinds of goodness on it. My own shallow 'f you' to the parents who judge. There is only so much eye rolling and stink eye I can take over a medical situation that is completely out of my control and that I hate.

[HannaAddict]

Just to be clear I did not insist on bringing snack to the parties. I'm not trying to control anything. The way I worded it may have lead you to believe that. The first two parties no one signed up. I was going to be at the parties so I didn't want to take away from others. The teacher asked me if I wanted to provide the snack, so I did. The last party she just asked me to provide snack from now on because no one ever wanted to sign up and that way DS got to participate. The kids take turns bringing a snack every Friday and he never gets to eat it. He's ok with that but she thought it would be nice for him to be able to eat the same thing as his classmates once in awhile. Technically, there isn't supposed to be homemade items in the classroom per the letter from our allergist but I have let it slide because I know all of the parents in the class. I'm not angry at the fact that they want to participate, I'm more angry at the rudeness I'm going to get from not allowing my child to eat it. I know my son is going to encounter situations like this in the future. He's used to having eat something different, I just don't want him to be judged or treated differently by the parents or other kids because they are offended that I'm checking the food or not allowing him to eat it. Two of the parents have already thrown a fit because on the days when they have community snack their kids have wanted what I sent with DS instead of their own and complained. I just am tired of all the complaining I guess. I also feel like this is something the teacher should have handled and either said "Yes, that's fine" or "no, I told XX's mom she was in charge." Not "well let me see if xx's mom doesn't want to do snack." The teacher was blaming this all on me when the snack was her idea. So I'm either going to get it for not allowing him to eat or get it for providing the snack. I do plan on letting the mom do it, I just don't want the backlash or understand why I get it.

From your first post, you said you were the one wanting to bring snack every time so that your child wouldn't be left out, and that was what I thought seemed unreasonable. The new scenario is quite different. Completely different. It seems really strange to me and through three kids and multiple schools, I've never once encountered a parent who was upset a child with food allergies couldn't,or was not allowed to, eat the snack the non-food allergy child provided. That would be very strange indeed. I have never seen a child throw a fit wanting what the food allergy child had for their snack, though I have had a child ask for the food allergy choice - as it was a Twinkie and looked better than health food mini muffins that were being served to the rest of the class! But, no fit or complaining, and just an explanation sufficed. I truly can't imagine a parent complaining to the school about that. I guess I should be happy we have such mellow parents by comparison! For such a small class, it sounds very contentious and I would be looking at other schools, I can't imagine dealing with strife over snack when there are only six little ones. Good luck, and the teacher seems to be caught in the middle or maybe she put herself there. Good luck.

[TwinFoxes]

It seems really strange to me and through three kids and multiple schools, I've never once encountered a parent who was upset a child with food allergies couldn't,or was not allowed to, eat the snack the non-food allergy child provided. That would be very strange indeed.

Not OP (clearly) and no FAs here. But our tball team mom was annoyed when the mom of a FA player said she'd make cupcakes for a coach's "thank you" the last game (everyone would eat the cupcakes). I saw the whole exchange, so I didn't get it second hand. FA mom said she'd make them because of her DD's allergies, other mom said no I'll just buy some instead, FA mom said no they weren't safe, other mom said "I'd get them from Wegmans bakery" FA mom said "no, theirs aren't safe" other mom said "really? I thought they were. The ones from Wegmans?" I was thinking to myself "she said no already." There was definitely tension. At the end FA mom turned to me after team mom left and said "I think she's annoyed". It was a little weird. I was really 1/2 expecting team mom to show up with Wegmans cupcakes!

[MSWR0319]

From your first post, you said you were the one wanting to bring snack every time so that your child wouldn't be left out, and that was what I thought seemed unreasonable. The new scenario is quite different. Completely different. It seems really strange to me and through three kids and multiple schools, I've never once encountered a parent who was upset a child with food allergies couldn't,or was not allowed to, eat the snack the non-food allergy child provided. That would be very strange indeed. I have never seen a child throw a fit wanting what the food allergy child had for their snack, though I have had a child ask for the food allergy choice - as it was a Twinkie and looked better than health food mini muffins that were being served to the rest of the class! But, no fit or complaining, and just an explanation sufficed. I truly can't imagine a parent complaining to the school about that. I guess I should be happy we have such mellow parents by comparison! For such a small class, it sounds very contentious and I would be looking at other schools, I can't imagine dealing with strife over snack when there are only six little ones. Good luck, and the teacher seems to be caught in the middle or maybe she put herself there. Good luck.

We are changing schools next year! Some of the parents seem to be a bit off. The parents that complained were complaining because I sent in cinnamon graham crackers for DS and they sent in chocolate. I tried to make it similar. I think there are a few that just like to complain.

[StantonHyde]

We are changing schools next year! Some of the parents seem to be a bit off. The parents that complained were complaining because I sent in cinnamon graham crackers for DS and they sent in chocolate. I tried to make it similar. I think there are a few that just like to complain.

You have GOT to be kidding me??? It wasn't like you sent in a cupcake and they sent graham crackers--just different FLAVORS???? Yes, you need to go to a new school. yeesh. Good luck making it through the rest of the year with those people. (and I am not an FA mom)

[PZMommy]

I think there are a few that just like to complain.

Speaking as a teacher, no matter what school or what class you will always have a parent or two that will complain no matter what you do. Do what you need to do for your DS and don't worry about what the other parents think. Your DS is more important.

[trcy]

I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I would be a nervous wreck. You shouldn't have to deal with a bunch of BS for trying to protect your DC.

[Momit]

Those other parents need to get a grip. Seriously.

[HannaAddict]

So sad, that is crazy. I will hope for good vibes and no craziness from your new school. I think it is true what another poster says, that some will always complain. I know I do an internal eye roll (hope I don't do it visibly!) at some of the parents' antics at school. I love our kids' teachers but the parents can be insane, though not on food allergy issues. The graham cracker issue is nuts. My kids would LOVE chocolate graham crackers FWIW. Yum.

[Simon]

:hug5: In situations like that, I just try to remind myself that some people express their love through food so when they hear No, its like their very self is being rejected. I don't get it because its not my way, but its just about the only way I can dredge up some sympathy for their perspective. We have serious diet restrictions and while I like to make my FA sons feel included, they really just do have a different life and maybe always will. I'm sorry that you are stuck with this situation. I am hoping that the new school next year will be a better situation. At least one local district has set strict policies so there isn't any burden on individual families/parents. I wish we lived there.

[AnnieW625]

It may be that important to them or to their child for some reason. I would just pack your son a separate snack. I know it's hard, but you can't provide the snack for the whole class forever. Easing into it now may be even more normalizing for him than waiting until later.

I don't get why she's offended by you reading labels. That's just weird.

:yeahthat: every child wants to feel included even in bringing in snacks.

[glbb35]

Anytime you get a lot of moms in the mix trying to provide for their kids as school you are going to have someone who feels left out. It is the nature of the beast. You are in a tough situation. Being a teacher and a parent I have seen both sides of the fence. There has been the overly controlling parent who out of fear or whatever just wants to do it all for the class and that can be offensive to other parents. Then you have the parents who don't really care at all and that is hard to deal with as well. I understand not wanting to single your child out but honestly their whole life they have to face this especially if they have a life threatening allergy. We have a DS with a sensitivity to dyes (not life threatening so different than what you work with) but instead of restricting the class, I buy special treats for him and swap them out whenever I can. Sometimes he wants what the other kids want but it is not an option and we say it like this. Until our county went to a "no treats from home" policy things were always a mess and feelings were hurt a lot. Now since baked goods have to be brought in and have labels parents can check them. Both in preschool and elem school the teacher send out notices at the beginning of the year (and reminders before every food event) what special needs the class might have. I would say 100% of the parents eliminate as much as possible bringing in nut products as best they can and those parents with nut allergies usually have a supplement for their kids if necessary. This year in the older kids classes we do not have any major allergies or sensitivities. In Preschool for the twins we have a nut allergy and my sons dye sensitivity. Both of us simply and quietly swap out items and it has not been an issue so far.

Good luck.

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, 11