I am raising my kids too, dang it.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Dear local moms on FB:
Newsflash: Moms who work outside the home and use a nanny or daycare ARE raising their kids as well. Please stop making comments that suggest you have it all because you work from home and "get to raise the kids too." Please quit implying that WOHMs are not raising their kids. They are. Quit saying that you are glad you didn't "miss out on their childhoods. " I know you typically dont mean to be rude, but please step outside your little world and consider the fact that there are moms who work full time outside the home, who love their jobs and are very happy and have happy kids and no one feels like they are missing out on anything.

Sorry just had to get that off my chest. Sometimes I feel like my town is a few generations behind.

[KrisM]

I'm sorry. I am a SAHM and don't understand comments like that at all. I guess they'll all homeschool, too, since otherwise the public schools will be raising their kids after age 5, right?

[sunnyside]

Yeah, frustrating isn't it.

I find it confusing, too. I WAH, and take my kid to preschool while I do it, since I couldn't actually do my job if I didn't have child care. The occasional day where my child is home sick from school or something is ok, but otherwise, I need my block of time to do my work/have meetings.

It is so annoying to hear people say that moms who work are not raising our kids! It's just part of the mommy wars, I guess. Who knows. Try to ignore it. Honestly, I have hidden lots of facebook people due to comments like this.

[AshleyAnn]

I roll my eyes at those posts. Anyone that needs to publicly pat themselves on the back usually has some serious insecurities. Depending on how well I like said person, how annoying they are with their backpatting and how bitchy I'm feeling I might give the obvious insecurity a lil nudge just to remind em they arent all that. But I'm kind of a B sometimes

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm going to say something that's embarrassing to admit- I once thought this way...but only for like 5 minutes. Then I realized that dh is totally a full time parent despite having a full time job. Duh! (I was jealous that he got out of filling whole days, dragging kids shopping...but that's not all parenting is limited to!)

[BabyBearsMom]

This is the red sheet to my bull. When I see it, I lose it. The people at our daycare watch my children, I raise them. If I saw that on FB I would slap them down...and it would be vicious. And then I would unfriend immediately. I don't need ignorant jerks like that in my life

[mommylamb]

How on earth are these people WAH without daycare? Everyone I know who WAH would never be able to do it with their kids in the house without another person watching them. Sorry, to me that just means they are taking advantage of their employer and not giving their kids the attention they need at the same time. DH WAH part of the week and he can have DS1 home with him if he's sick, but it's a PITA and DS1 gets super bored. It's not a good long term solution. He could never manage DS2 while he was working.

People like this do mean to be rude. If they don't they're just idiots.

[boolady]

This is the red sheet to my bull. When I see it, I lose it.

Me, too. Don't even get me started. And as a PP noted, if that's how they see it, unless they homeschool, the second their kids hit K, someone else is "raising" their kids, too.

[daniele_ut]

How on earth are these people WAH without daycare? Everyone I know who WAH would never be able to do it with their kids in the house without another person watching them. Sorry, to me that just means they are taking advantage of their employer and not giving their kids the attention they need at the same time.

:yeahthat:

I worked FT from a home office for 2 years and my employer required me to have regular child care for the hours I was working. They didn't mind if I had to keep a sick child home with me on occasion, but when I did those days were unbelievably unproductive.

[daisysmom]

This is my red flag to my bull too. I call people on comments like that. My mother stayed home with her four children (I was the third and born in 1969 so that was a long time ago). She always knew that her friend that worked at the bank and cashed the check my mother wrote for cash every week (no debit cards in the 70s), the teller at the grocery store we want to every other day, every single one of our elementary school teachers, the church secretary, my dad's office receptionist,the nurse at our pediatrician and countless others... These were all working mothers in the 1970s and 1980s. I never felt the "mommy wars" from my mom growing up. I get really bugged to hear them now... I wish people would look back at their childhoods and they might see that they did know a lot of working moms then but just didn't demonize them.

[georgiegirl]

I'm a SAHM, but my mom worked full time my entire childhood (save the year my sister was born) and she most definitely raised me.

Eta: sorry people are idiots. I worked full time when DD was 2, so I've been in both sides. It's sad that some people feel the need to make others feel bad in order to justify their choices

[123LuckyMom]

My mother was a SAHM and didn't really raise me. It had nothing to do with her physical presence and everything to do with her emotional presence and sense of priorities. Being physically in the house doesn't mean you're raising your children, and being physically out of the house doesn't mean you're not!

[wencit]

That would get a big ole :rolleyes: from me. Um, insecure much?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I guess they'll all homeschool, too, since otherwise the public schools will be raising their kids after age 5, right?

Yep, exactly this is what DH was saying and so true!!! I know a couple of moms IRL who HS and none of them would say any comments like this. Not even most SAHMs i know IRL would say this. Apparently the crime is hiring out childcare for non-school age children so you can perform a job that (heaven forbid!) earns money for your family..I guess that constitutes as not raising your children. Of course this only applies to women.


This is the red sheet to my bull. When I see it, I lose it. The people at our daycare watch my children, I raise them. If I saw that on FB I would slap them down...and it would be vicious. And then I would unfriend immediately. I don't need ignorant jerks like that in my life

Yes luckily it wasn't a FB friend. A local mom has a FB networking page who runs a blog for connecting mamas in this town, and there are lots of chats re:preschools, playdates, whatnot. In the blog she has a section on local WAHMs (but oddly none of them use childcare). the mom who was interviewed as well as re were several moms who commented on the piece talked about how they worked at home and love it because they "get to raise their kids too." And, said how they "had the best of both worlds.' ONe of the questions was "do you have regular childcare in place so you can work" and the mom featured said "No, my kids are with me all day most days" and how she has gotten good at "typing with one hand when the baby is needy." And if she has a deadline she "does an activity with them at the table" while she wraps up whatever work she is doing on her laptop. Her kids are 1 and 3. Um, okay. I want to say, so, if it's that easy, that all of us forking over $900/mo per child for childcare must be idiots. if only i had known it was that easy to getting my kids distracted with an some playdoh and paint for 8 hours a day, i would have chosen that.


How on earth are these people WAH without daycare? Everyone I know who WAH would never be able to do it with their kids in the house without another person watching them. Sorry, to me that just means they are taking advantage of their employer and not giving their kids the attention they need at the same time.

YES. I don't get it either. Ever since we've had kids, DH has worked from home. For the first 3 years i SAH then they were in daycare. There is NO WAY on God's green earth he could have done his job without childcare in place. i'm finding hard time imagining a decent, well-paying job that you do full-time with little kids (4 and under) in the house and no childcare in place. Must involve plopping your kids in front of the television for most of the day so you can work. Or ignore a crying baby so you can get some work done. But I guess for some that seems better than hiring somebody to watch them (?). I guess the comments come from needing to justify this sort of thing, i guess. It seems rather common here.

I guess the crux of what bothers me though, is perpetuating the notion that moms can "have it all", where having it all is having a lucrative career and making $$$, at the same time, spending all day every day with your DC. Like, we are supposed to do all that and put on a happy face every day. It is such a double-standard. Nobody ever challenges a father's decision to work outside the home or pretends he is not raising his family because he is not with them all day every day.

It also bothers me is how i get the feeling that apparently being "just" a SAHM isn't good enough anymore. I hate the "best of both worlds" description because it implies that one cannot be totally fulfilled as a SAHM that does not have any income, or a mom who works outside the home and uses a nanny/daycare. I personally felt being a SAHM to 2 LOs in and of itself was such hard work even with 100% of my energy devoted to it..i find it mind boggling to even attempt doing something else at the same time. It seems like such a disservice to women in general to have this idea that women are supposed to be full-time moms AND work at the same time, supposed to do it ALL on our own, with no outside help at all and plus we are supposed to do it with bells on. Sigh.

[Globetrotter]

It had nothing to do with her physical presence and everything to do with her emotional presence and sense of priorities

I couldn't agree more!

[niccig]

ONe of the questions was "do you have regular childcare in place so you can work" and the mom featured said "No, my kids are with me all day most days" and how she has gotten good at "typing with one hand when the baby is needy." And if she has a deadline she "does an activity with them at the table" while she wraps up whatever work she is doing on her laptop. Her kids are 1 and 3. Um, okay. I want to say, so, if it's that easy, that all of us forking over $900/mo per child for childcare must be idiots. if only i had known it was that easy to getting my kids distracted with an some playdoh and paint for 8 hours a day, i would have chosen that.



That's not being with the kids. She'll be totally distracted and snapping if the 3 year old knocks over the paint because she had 1 eye on the laptop. If I have to do something, DS9 can occupy himself but he will still come and ask me for something interrupting what I'm concentrating on. He has tomorrow off and thankfully so does DH so I can study for an exam Tuesday, otherwise not much study gets done and it's just not a great day for DS or I.

[BabyBearsMom]

To the WAH who says she doesn't use childcare I would be tempted to say "so glad that works for you. I wouldn't be comfortable neglecting my child and my work though."

[okinawama]

I'm very liberal with my "hide" button on my news feed, and one comment like that would have me hiding every one of their posts from then on.

[Gracemom]

I think working from home while trying to take care of small kids is the hardest of both worlds. You are constantly torn between kids and work. I would much rather my kids be in a child care environment socializing with other kids, learning and having fun. I think this woman is going overboard trying to make a stressful situation sound better. Kudos to those who can do it, but it's not for me.

[ahisma]

Definitely bull.

I WAH and DS2 is home with me 2 days a week. It's a trainwreck. He watches TV most of the day.

I'm kind of stuck because I have no office space and most of my work is not portable. His anxiety has been on overdrive this year and can't handle childcare for more than an hour or two. We've tried, many times.

It is not an option that any sane person would pick. You can't do credible work with a kid next to you. You can't parent from behind your computer screen. Conference calls are not meant to be taken locked in the bathroom while you mute the call and dash out to placate your child with random skittles and whatnot.

It's slow, painful torture. For parent and child. My number one priority with his therapist is to get him to the point where childcare is an option again.

If she thinks that she has it all or is doing anything beyond a half-a** job at any of it, she's delusional. I had two babies in law school, commuted an hour each way and graduated with honors. They were reflux babies even, and I pumped. That was cakewalk compared to WAH with a child underfoot.

ETA: I should clarify that my client is very well aware of the situation. Doesn't make them less demanding, but I'm not pretending to have childcare or anything.

[lizzywednesday]

OK, I tried to WAH and have DD home with me. I really did.

It only worked when she was a squishy lump - newborn thru maybe 4 or 5 months old?

Once she was aware of the world, it was hellacious.
Once she was mobile, it was impossible.
Once she started walking, I was crazed.

We had her in daycare 3 days/wk when DH started his current job (he was laid off his old job a few months before DD turned 1 & was supposed to be my childcare then) ... on the 2 days we didn't have her in daycare, I couldn't get a g-d-mned thing done because she either needed my attention, wanted my attention, was crawling on the back of the couch, or was being destructive because she was bored.

I locked her in the bathroom once with fingerpaint, paper taped to the walls, and no clothes but her diaper so I could take a conference call. After the call, I checked on her and she'd redecorated the walls.

I missed meetings, deadlines, and other important things for work. I BEGGED DH to find a way to send her to daycare full-time because otherwise I was going to lose my job AND our health insurance. I was in tears from the stress and lack of support I felt.

He couldn't understand why I didn't just turn on the TV and lock her into her high chair like he'd been doing.

No, thanks.

I think that WAH person on your FB group is delusional. Either that or she doesn't have a particularly demanding job.

[arivecchi]

Comments like that used to bother me but they don't anymore. Her comments are borne our of insecurity and the best thing you can do is keep doing your thing and not feed into that kind of silliness. I will admit that I partly like to WOH so that I get a break from the kids!

[AnnieW625]

Ugh. I have a few friends I went to high school with (so they are 34-36 yrs. old) and happen to live in Texas and they are bad about posting that same type of thing now that they have their own kids and are SAHMs. I try to avoid those posts as well.

In regards to the WAHM thing, I bet the WAHM is some kind of sewing, craft or cloth diaper related business, not a typical career where you have the opportunity to work from home, it seems to be big with the circles that A. either homeschool their kids, B. live in the south and or have pretty crunchy values (think mothering.com), or C. or have young kids and are pretty religious and subscribe to the idea that only a parent can truly raise their kids. I know that is a HUGE generalization and I truly mean no offense at all, but after spending a few years on the Diaper Swappers Forum I found that there was a different set of WAHMs than those who had a career and worked from home either part time or all of the time. I have never met a single mother or father who worked part time or full time from home in a career and didn't have at least part time daycare, if not full time daycare.

[ZeeBaby]

I work at home periodically when I am able. I have a pretty flexible schedule, but there is no way I could do that while watching my kids. Maybe when they are older and less needy, but not right now. I kept my 5 year old home after a half day in K and I felt horrible. She ended up parked in front of the tv during my conference calls and she didn't really enjoy it. Now we send her to DD2s daycare and all is good with the world.

I am happy for people that have perfect jobs that allow them to do that, but it would not work for me.