WWYD food battle advice

[JenChem]

I talked to my mom today and she was upset with my sister. DN came home from school and was supposed to go fishing with his dad. My sister said he couldn't go until he ate something. She then made him sit at the table and he refused to eat and then cried until he threw up.

I called my sister and she said my mom was overreacting. She then told me the exact same story but insisted that it was no big deal and she was annoyed because she then had to let him go fishing without eating.

I've noticed before that my sister has a much more forceful approach to eating than me. I'm of the opinion you can lead a child to food but you can't make him eat. Every meal with her results in DN crying because he doesn't want to eat. He's always in the 90+ percentiles for weight so I just don't understand why she does this. Would you say something? Send her a website or book (recommendations please)? Is it none of my business? I just hate to hear that he is now getting so upset he throws up and my sister thinks it's no big deal.

[Green_Tea]

How old is her son? Unless you have kids that are the same ages (which sort of levels the field and makes you peer moms, as opposed to just sisters) I would stay out of it.

[BDKmom]

I guess it depends on your relationship with your sister. With my sis, my DS is a year older than her DD, so if there is something going on that I think she's taking the wrong approach with or obviously isn't working, I will usually just try to relate to what she's dealing with and share how we have handled it at our house. Otherwise, I don't think there is much you can do without overstepping your bounds and potentially jeopardizing your relationship with them both.

[JenChem]

Our first sons are 3mo apart. Her second son and my DD are 8mo apart.

So pretty close to same age and whenever we go through an emotional phase it's funny b/c 3mo later her son will be doing the same thing and we laugh about that. We have pretty similar parenting philosophies in general. We've never had a major parenting difference. But the food battles have bothered me for maybe the last year or so. This is just a major development that really just upsets me. But maybe I just need to stay out of it.

[Simon]

How about if you approach her from the perspective of, "help me understand why you are insisting DN eat when he says he isn't hungry?" and then just let her talk about it first. I agree it sounds completely out line with anything I can imagine being healthy. Ideas for approaching it would be talking about wanting your own kids to learn to recognize hunger, not just eat because of the clock/timing, not to overeat, etc. Or in the larger perspective of the obesity epidemic. Maybe Ellyn Satter's (http://www.amazon.com/How-Get-Your-Kid-Eat/dp/0915950839) books?

[mommylamb]

Well, I think your sister is shooting herself in the foot. But, unless you have a really close relationship where she won't feel threatened by you talking to her about it, I wouldn't push it with her. I feel bad for her kid though. That's setting up unhealthy control and eating issues.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd call my sister out on that directly. You should be able to do that with a sister. I like pps approach of asking why she's making a 90% kiddo eat if not hungry.

[hillview]

I'd recommend that Satter book as well and ask her what her food philosophy is and mention what yours is as well. I think sometimes as parents we all get stuck in to because I said so routine without thinking about it totally.

[123LuckyMom]

I'd play dumb, actually. I'd say, "I know how irritated you were the other day when DN wouldn't eat but you had to send him fishing anyway. A friend recommended this book to help parents get kids to eat. I haven't read it yet, but I thought I'd pass it along in case it helps." Then give her an Ellyn Satter book!

[JenChem]

I'd play dumb, actually. I'd say, "I know how irritated you were the other day when DN wouldn't eat but you had to send him fishing anyway. A friend recommended this book to help parents get kids to eat. I haven't read it yet, but I thought I'd pass it along in case it helps." Then give her an Ellyn Satter book!

Perfect I think I can do this. Though I'll probably hit the library later to see if I can check one out to skim.

[TwinFoxes]

I'd call my sister out on that directly. You should be able to do that with a sister. I like pps approach of asking why she's making a 90% kiddo eat if not hungry.

Same here (of course I don't have a sister, so easy for me to say!) I wouldn't do it in a "WTF are you thinking" way. I'd just say "but WHY do you want him to eat, what difference does it make?"

Is this out of character for your sister, do you think she's just being clueless. Or is she the type that gets into weird power struggles. I just can't imagine why she feels she has to make her DS eat, other than to prove she's the boss. Thank goodness she doesn't have a DD...I'd be even more worried about potential eating disorders.

[mikala]

Perfect I think I can do this. Though I'll probably hit the library later to see if I can check one out to skim.

Here's a summary of the approach.

http://ellynsatterinstitute.org/dor/divisionofresponsibilityinfeeding.php

I feel bad for your nephew. Ds1 is stubborn too but I learned long ago to skip the battle and just bring a healthy snack or two. A power struggle doesn't benefit anyone.

[Green_Tea]

I feel like I should clarify my answer above...

I think the OP should give her sister the benefit of the doubt. I have difficult eaters. My kids INSIST they are not hungry and are melting down 30 minutes later because they are, in fact, hungry. I know from experience that insisting on a snack before going someplace where food might not be readily available will head off misery for all involved. My guess is that the OP's sister knows from experience that if her kid doesn't have a snack before he heads out to go fishing, he'll be a wreck. I've been in her shoes, and thinks she's damned if she does/damned if she doesn't.

[azzeps]

You can just send her to the Ellyn Satter website. It has the basics.