Tell me about living near family

[basil]

I had a job interview last week in my home state (new England). My parents live pretty close (dad works in the same city) and my cousin, brother, uncles, grandmother all live within 30 minutes or so.

We have a 2.5 year old DS and a DD on the way in May. We have no family in the area where we live and it's about a 10 hour drive away and no direct flights. I do have some really close good friends in this area but no one I can really lean on for my kid is sick, snow day, got a late meeting and need daycare pick up, type of emergencies. I don't have any friends in my home area outside of my family.

There are pluses and minuses to the job itself. And of course the whole thing would be dependent on DH getting a job too. But the job I interviewed for said they would help us out with that.

My parents are definitely not the type to babysit everyday. They are at the stage of their life where they like taking frequent and long vacations, go to an island for a month type if thing. So we would still need child care but the emergency stuff would probably be a lot easier. Neither my job nor my husbands job is likely to ever be very flexible.

If you've lived near and far away from family, how do you think it compares?

[SnuggleBuggles]

3 out of 4 grandparents still work so they can't help during the day but weekends and evenings I can almost always find help if needed. I have never paid for a babysitter. The kids sleep over at my parents every week. It is wonderful for all of us. They ask for the kids, we don't impose sleepovers. Except every so often. :)

We had ds1 away from here so for like 2 years we didn't have family. We moved back and it was a great choice.

The grandparents aren't getting younger and we love that we can be a regular part of their lives. We are lucky that they are great parents and grandparents. They are nice, unobtrusive and supportive.

[Ceepa]

I would not move for the sake of childcare. Ask yourself whether you want to be closer to family primarily for the connection and consider if there would be a negative impact on your or Dh's career and future prospects by moving back.

[DualvansMommy]

I would not move for the sake of childcare. Ask yourself whether you want to be closer to family primarily for the connection and consider if there would be a negative impact on your or Dh's career and future prospects by moving back.

ITA! We live near DH's parents, his brother/wife & kids & all the cousins DH grew up with nearby. Everyone of the extended family members are within 30 mins from us. It's nice in theory but in reality, the babysitting doesn't happen often for several reasons.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I would not move for the sake of childcare. Ask yourself whether you want to be closer to family primarily for the connection and consider if there would be a negative impact on your or Dh's career and future prospects by moving back.
:yeahthat:

I wouldn't do it for the sake of emergency childcare. I would do it if i you want to see them more often, get a better relationship with them, etc.

I admit that it's really hard to live without any family nearby for help. However, DH & I have done it all our adult lives. And my parents did it with my brother & I (they left their family in home country to come to the US). It was tough for them not having family support but it was pretty much all about opportunities for them and kids later on.

Also, in our case 3 out of 4 grandparents are not retired. And the one who doesn't work (MIL) watches SIL/BILs kids all day as childcare. And MIL has RA amongst other health issues. So they would not be able to help out with a sick kid, etc during the day anyway. Maybe we might get some help on weekends but that's it.

For us it was only really bad when DH had to travel so much, and i was a SAHM with 2 very little kids and no support network. I joined a moms group, made some friends to do playdates and that helped. NOw that DH doesn't travel, it's a billion times easier...we are able to manage everything between the two of us.

For us though we live a little closer to family (5 hr drive from ILs). so if there was ever anything serious (e.g. when i went into labor 6 weeks early with DD ) they were able to drive over on the spot.

[meggie t]

Well, we just moved closer to my family after being away for the better part of 20 years (since college). We only moved for DH's job. We were across the country, which meant 1 trip per year to see our respective families. I have to say it has been nice. No, no built in babysitting or anything like that, but my dad is not getting any younger (close to 80) so it is nice to see him every so often. We are a 30 min drive from him and some siblings/cousins, so they don't just drop in but can be here in an emergency, and vice versa. We have been able to participate in our nieces/nephews life events (communions, confirmations, graduations, etc) which has also been nice. My 3yo DS really enjoys his time with the family and it is nice they have been able to see him and 1 yo DD grow up (for the last 10 months anyway!).

I can't say that there have been any drawbacks for us. As a PP stated, look at it as an opportunity to be closer to family, not for babysitting, etc. It seems like you know that will not be the case, just worth mentioning.

Good luck!

[twowhat?]

:yeahthat:

I wouldn't do it for the sake of emergency childcare. I would do it if i you want to see them more often, get a better relationship with them, etc.



Yup, think carefully about this, LOL! I am thinking of all the BBB posts about toxic family. But if you get along great with your family, and they are of the "of course we would love and want to pitch in and help when we can" then there are tons of benefits to living near family, and your children getting to grow up very close to their grandparents is certainly one of them!

If they are the type who don't want to trouble themselves with helping out or spending extra time with you...I would think about these things. And also - how helpful will they be even if willing? Are they open to doing things "your way" without questioning or will they give you a hard time?

We live near family and I can't express how wonderful it is BUT both sets of grandparents are of the "we will help whenever you need" and "we will do it however you want without question" type. They are truly, truly wonderful and it is a gift to be close to them. When the girls were born my parents still worked and so could only offer limited help but even so - knowing that they'd retire someday and would WANT to spend their extra time with us is a huge deal. My MIL is super awesome, really there is no MIL better! LOL! We keep a gmail family calendar and whenever DH has to travel, my mom and MIL work out who will come help me out. I dont' *need* the help but they *want* to help, and more importantly, it doesn't bother me *at all* that they make plans on their own, without my input, and simply tell me "OK, I'll be there Tuesday, let me know what your schedule is like so I don't come in the middle of one of your phone calls. See you then!". That's how well things work with us.

I know, I am REALLY REALLY lucky.

[AngB]

We live like 5 min away from my parents. They both work. But they still babysit for us mostly whenever we need (have never used a babysitter besides family but we also don't really go out that much without kids.)

My favorite is when my mom calls us and asks us to come over for dinner or breakfast or something. :) When the weather is decent, my dad bbq's every Sunday and we go over there.

It made my pregnancy with DS2 much easier, because it was high risk and I had a ton of appointments especially lengthy NST's and ultrasounds, to drop DS1 off with my brother or sister while I went to my appointment.

[elektra]

Both DH and I live close to our families. The furthest we have ever lived from them is 130 miles or so away, so still drivable in a day.
DH's family is very close and they need to see each other at least once a month in a big get together. It drives me a bit crazy but in the end, I think it is nice to have family to support you and for you to support.
My dad lives within walking distance and is a huge help. It will also work out later if I need to be the one helping him out more. We are also close to my mom who has needed a lot of help with her care. And she now lives in a full-time care facility. It is nice to be close to her as she will likely die soon.

I guess my point is that there is a lot more to consider than just the emergency childcare, like others have pointed out. It can be a big plus if you are close with your family and enjoy their company. But if you don't really get along or are not close, I can see it being a negative thing, and it being better to just pay for childcare if you can afford it.

[basil]

Thanks everyone!

I didn't really mean to make it sound like all I cared about was free childcare - that's not the case. But with all the snow days that we've had here this winter, the more I worry about these things and think how much easier it would be if I could just drop off at mom's house, you know? It's relatively easy for me to manage things with our awesome daycare that never closes, but I think it will be tougher when DS starts school.

My parents are generally pretty easy to get along with, IMO. My mom is retired but works part time occasionally and my dad has a pretty flexible job (tenured professor). Like I said, they are not the type that wants to assume full time child care, but they are great with DS and DS loves them and always asks when we are seeing them next, along with my brother and SIL. It has also occurred to me about being around when my parents' health starts to decline. They are healthy now, but you never know. I lived close by to them in college and in grad school and they were never annoying or invasive, so I don't think that would change.

I just didn't know how life changing it would really be. Or if it would make less of a difference than I think it would. There's a million other considerations to changing jobs and my DH changing jobs and they're all sort of swimming around in my head and I'm trying to prioritize.

[mommylamb]

My parents live about 50 minutes from us. It's a nice distance. They do not do regular childcare for us, but if I need them to babysit, they usually do it. I love having family close by. My sister lives about 15-20 minutes from me too.

DH's family lives in England, and I hate that my children barely know their grandmother, and don't know the rest of his family at all (we haven't been over with them. DH has gone alone, but the kids haven't been).

[Percycat]

We live four houses from my parents and within 10 minutes of both in-law houses. My kids have always been close to grandparents, but I have lived far away before. I lived on the east cost for a little over a year and while it was a great experience -- it was very difficult for me to be away from my family when both of my grandmothers had serious life-altering illnesses. From that experience, I knew that I would like to live close to my parents -- although I never expected to live this close. Now that my kids are 9 and 11 and I see the amazing relationships they have with my parents and to some degree with my in-laws, I know that choosing to live near family was the best parenting decision DH and I have made. It has also been a great for my parents.

I don't know the reason why our family is closer to my parents than DH's parents -- i'm sure it is due to several factors (different people, mother/daughter bond, divorce), but I think the fact that my kids can walk to my parents is significant. We need to drive to visit my in-laws and that needs to be scheduled..... if you do move home, I really encourage you to consider living close to family.

[WatchingThemGrow]

We love living near family for the weeknight dinner aspect. We go to them or they come to us on a random night. We may ask them to care for one child at a time, but mostly it's stuff like, "School let out early but it isn't snowing yet. Can we come play RIGHT NOW since we won't be out and about for a few days?" DH is the main tech helper for them, but everything else is taken care of by their retirement community.

[smilequeen]

We moved to be closer to family and it was the best thing we could have done (but we also didn't like where we were living and my hometown was a much better location for us anyway). My parents are totally the type who will spend as much time as possible with the kids and my mom is retired, so it's extra awesome. I also love that they are growing up around extended family and that we now get to spend many holidays in our own home instead of traveling.

[Piglet]

3 out of 4 grandparents still work so they can't help during the day but weekends and evenings I can almost always find help if needed. I have never paid for a babysitter. The kids sleep over at my parents every week. It is wonderful for all of us. They ask for the kids, we don't impose sleepovers. Except every so often. :)

We had ds1 away from here so for like 2 years we didn't have family. We moved back and it was a great choice.

The grandparents aren't getting younger and we love that we can be a regular part of their lives. We are lucky that they are great parents and grandparents. They are nice, unobtrusive and supportive.

This is very much our situation as well. The kids are very, very close to their grandparents. We lived away for a year and one of the main reasons we moved back was to be closer to the grandparents again.

[Binkandabee]

My ILS just bought a house this past November in our neighborhood....literally around the corner from us. It's been wonderful for a lot of reasons. Drop in dinners, the girls can walk to their grandparents house on a whim, grandpa can hop on his bike and take the girls for a bike ride when he wants to. It just really makes things less formal (visits don't have to be schedule) and much more natural for us. We've always been very close to them, but the scheduling was much more rigid. Now if the girls want to go see their grandparents...they walk up the street. This makes visits happen much more frequently and i LOVE that.

[mom2binsd]

We moved from thousands of miles away to 15 min from my IL's...we really wanted our children to grow up knowing their grandparents (vacations are so rushed and the IL's aren't really travelers). It has been a wonderful and my DC are VERY close to their grandparents...and even though I'm divorced from their son, they are still wonderful and I couldn't work without their help (I work weird hours and not consistent scheduling). Everyone comments on how amazing it is that the grandparents are so close to my DC. My family (my dad and brother) are at least a two day drive but it's closer than before (they are also in another country).

I highly recommend it, family trumps friends in my book as long as you get along.

[boolady]

We have never lived more than 45 minutes from either set of parents, now both just dads. For eight plus years, we lived within about 15 minutes of my FIL and 45 minutes from my parents; in fall 2011 we bought a house in the town where I grew up and are now about 3 minutes from my dad and 45 minutes from FIL. DH's brother and SIL and their kids are the furthest of our immediate family-- they are about 70 miles away. Depending on traffic, it can take us anywhere from about 1 hour, 10 minutes to 1 1/2 hours to get to their house. My one sister is about 20 minutes from us; my other sister, her husband and their triplets are about 55 minutes away from us.

I love being near my dad, and so does DH. That said, although my dad can help out in a pinch, and has been a big help this winter with delayed openings when he can, he still works at least three days a week. He also built a shore home last year, so spends some extended weekends there, has partial-season MLB tickets, etc. I'm very glad that he has continued to "have a life" (for lack of a better term) since my mom died as he's only in his early 60s. We have him over for dinner at least once a week, go out to dinner with him often, and he has us over and loves to host my sisters and the whole gang as well. We are really lucky to have him so involved in our lives, and I am so thankful that we are close to him now that my mom's gone, but he has no interest in being full-time childcare, or anything close to it, and that's fine with me.

[BabyBearsMom]

My parents live about 50 minutes from us. It's a nice distance. They do not do regular childcare for us, but if I need them to babysit, they usually do it. I love having family close by. My sister lives about 15-20 minutes from me too.



This exactly. It is really important ot me to live close to my family but not for child care reasons. I grew up 30 minutes from grandparents and saw them every weekend. I want my kids to have the same relationship with our family. I love that my DDs are super close with Mommylambs DSs. I love that my girls have a really close relationship with my parents. I wish DH's family put more effort into seeing our girls, but I can't change them.

[lizzywednesday]

We are about 5 minutes away from the ILs - BIL/SIL, MIL/FIL - and 1.5 to 2 hours in either direction from my parents. (Mom is 2 hrs south; Dad is about 1.5 hrs north.)
Both of my brothers are about an hour away. My sister is currently couch-surfing. :shake:

I also have two surviving grandparents (Mom's folks) who live about an hour-ish away - it's longer when the malls are open (they live near Garden State Plaza) so I try my best to visit with them on Sundays every now and again. It's hard because that's my aunt Chris's day to visit, so it can be too much company for my grandmother to handle sometimes.

MIL & FIL are our go-to baby sitters because I'm awful on keeping track of clutter so DH isn't comfortable having someone come to watch DD.

I like it OK, but it's meant that trying to see my family for holidays involves a lot of advance planning and schedule shuffling so nobody's feelings get hurt.

It does get frustrating sometimes, I'll admit, but I really don't WANT to spend holidays with some of my relatives (both blood relations and relatives by marriage) and I do actually like DH's family (though I'm getting sick of having to see DH's SIL's mother at every holiday now ... she's nice, but not my favorite person) so it's hard to strike the best balance.

[carolinacool]

I would love to live closer to my parents - they are two hours away. But they live in very, very small rural town and I'm not even sure what kinds of jobs we would even have. To remain in our fields, we would still need to be about 1 hour 15 minutes away, which isn't really much better as far as drop-in dinners and childcare are concerned. Frankly, I wish my parents would move here. Within the last year, we've had two sets of friends whose parents have moved here from several states away and I'm totally jealous.

[Binkandabee]

I wanted to add that both MIL and FIL still work. MIL part time, but FIL is full time. We don't rely on them for childcare except for in a pinch (snow days, illness, etc)....and even then...childcare ultimately falls on us because sometimes MIL just isn't available. Childcare is nice, BUT the reasons I love having them so close really doesn't have to do with that so much as it does the quality and amount of time my girls get to spend with their grandparents.