Are you still friends with your ex(es)? Do your kids know them?

[elektra]

Assuming your ex is not your kids' father/mother, are you still in contact with them? If so, do your kids know that person is your ex?
This has been a non-issue for me so far but it's on my mind lately. I am FB friends with my ex-fiance, and I see the occasional post or whatever. I rarely (if ever?) comment on his pictures. He has commented a few times on mine but it has all been basic, nice stuff- like posting a nice greeting when I posted a picture of all of my college girlfriends together- girls that he knew as my friends when he and I dated in college.
The thing is, he remained very close friends with my brother, and now he and I are both IN my brother's wedding. I have not seen him in person since I basically left him for DH 13 years ago. The wedding is abroad and we have all these excursions and tours planned where we will be riding in tour buses and doing wedding things together. I am not dreading it per se, but thinking it might be uncomfortable.
Do I explain to my kids that this man and I used to be friends? Do I say we dated and laugh it off (because really it was so long ago, but it's not like we have remained friends)? He is a very good friend of my brother's though, like I said. They both live in NYC now after being out in CA all through college and afterward.
I have no attraction to him or desire to get together. Breaking up with him was the completely right decision for both of us. I actually have no desire to really be friends or anything, but I will be forced to hang out with him.

And I know this is really ridiculous, but I kept seeing pictures of him and his girlfriend at these Orange is the New Black cast parties, and so I googled her to see who she was (I honestly had never even cared before), and it looks like she has some small part in the show. I guess she is an actress. She is very pretty and young. And her name is not her real name, but her stage name. AND she went to the same junior high school where my ex was a teacher so it is quite possible that he was her teacher in JH which seems weird to me. My guess is that they met when she moved to NYC to go to Julliard.
My new SIL is friends with her and I think they often do stuff together as couples.

I am just annoyed by the whole thing, even though I know I shouldn't be.

I am hoping that it will be a complete non-issue once we get to the wedding. I am sure we will be so busy doing our own family thing. But I am picturing myself being annoyed as we are all in bathing suits at the beach, even though I feel totally proud and content with myself, my career, my kids, family choices, etc.

I am just going to have a "happy, confident" mantra.

[BabbyO]

I'm friends with one of my exes. We only dated for a very short time (were friends for quite a while both before and after we dated). Actually we're friends with his whole family (wife and DD's). The only thing my kids know is that we are all family friends...but that is really all it is.

Not quite the same situation, obviously because you were engaged at one time to your ex.

I guess if it were me, I'd only bring it up to the kids if they ask...and I'd keep it at "we were friends when mommy was in college." But given the situation you describe, I think it is fair to just say, he is Uncle X's friend so I know him, too.

[scrooks]

It's an interesting question. The other day I was out shoveling our driveway and my ex drove by. He stopped to chat. It was slightly awkward. He lives in another section of our neighborhood but I very very rarely run into him (like once every 3 years or so). He was with 3 of his 4 (!) kids (all 4 or under). He said hi and was telling me he is now working with a mutual acquaintance. We made small talk for about 3 minutes(mostly about kids). My dd and ds1 were playing in the snow and walked over to see who I was talking to. After he left they asked who that man was. I said someone I used to work with (not a lie). I didn't see any reason at all to tell them it was a man I used to date. They didn't ask anymore questions and that was that. I think in your case I would just tell your kids he was an old friend and move on. They will only as more questions you probably don't want to answer if you tell them you were engaged to him (unless they know the story already? I have an old fiancé my dc know nothing about). I hope you have an awesome time at the wedding! Happy and confident is a great mantra!!

[ellies mom]

I'm friends with a few of my exes. None live local to us so we don't really run into each other. My kids have met one ex but I don't think they know that he was ever anything more than a friend.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I am FB friends with one (from college), and the other i haven't talked to in like 5 years but there are no hard feelings or whatever. I would be weirded out to see him at a wedding or something, TBH.

DH has only one ex and they are friends....and they actually been in a number of weddings together bc they have 2 of the same circle of friends (HS and college). despite the terms of the breakup (they did long-distance thing after she graduated, she cheated on him and they broke up) they are still friends and actually I am friends with her too (she doesn't live in town but her parents do). I think for a couple years they weren't friends but now that we are much older and each married it's not a big deal. She came to our wedding and we went to hers. Strange as I'm sure it sounds it is not weird at all. Since it was HS/college i consider her more of DH's childhood friend that an actual ex if that makes any sense (i think they were like 20 or 21 when they broke up, that's basically child/teen years in my book :))

i do wonder what to say to kids though when they are older (like in the teens..i'm sure as kids you just say "old friend" and leave it at that..i would not mention "boyfriend/girlfriend" or whatever). i don't think it's that odd though. i do recall that as a teen my mom showing me pics of some of several guys she dated in a photo album (there was a period where she broke up with my dad and came to US for a couple years before getting back together). it was in an album along with other albums of our baby pics, and whatnot.

[mommylamb]

I can imagine that would be awkward, even with an ex that you are still friendly towards. I'm FB friends with my ex (actually with several of my ex-boyfriends, but most of those were short relationships with zero drama. The ex I'm referring to here is the exception.), but he lives on the other side of the country and has never, and probably will never, meet my kids. He was my high school/college sweetheart. We were together for 3 years and I loved him a lot. It broke my heart when we broke up, and while I obviously have long since moved on, he will always have a special place in my heart and I am so extremely proud of him (he's a very accomplished freelance writer, has done a number of This American Life episodes and is about to start publishing a new weekly magazine, among many other accolades). He's married now, but doesn't have kids. I haven't met his wife. The last time I saw him was at my wedding over 13 years ago. It was good of him to come, though I'm sure it was a bit awkward for him. And it was a bit awkward for DH. Now-a-days we just PM each other on FB every so often. When I was in San Francisco last Fall he asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee, but I didn't really have the time.

In your case, I wouldn't make a point of telling your kids that he was someone you dated. Maybe if he continues to be a part of your life via your brother as your kids get older. You can just say he was someone who used to be a friend and is still a good friend of their uncle and leave it at that.

BTW, the young actress girlfriend thing would totally get under my skin too. I know if I ever met my X's DW, I'm sure I would compare myself and would feel crappy. I don't even know what she looks like, but I'm sure I'd feel inferior.

[ckso]

I don't think you have to tell them that he was your ex or your fiance at some point in time 13 years ago. It's not relevant information. I would just tell them your current relationship with him (not the past) and say he's a friend of yours and a good friend of your uncle.

If there's no feelings left between the 2 of you (good or bad), then there shouldn't be any issues. But since you're saying that you're annoyed and may be uncomfortable, is it because you guys broke up in bad terms? Or DH jealous? Or maybe breakup wasn't mutual?? Or are you jealous of his girlfriend since you're referencing her age and that he's possibly dating his student?

[ahisma]

I am friends with a couple of ex-boyfriends. My kids have met them, one was in my wedding. I don't think my kids think much of it, just that they're old friends.

[lalasmama]

Facebook friends with one. As a pp said, it was more like childhood friends vs a serious relationship in adulthood. Until DH and I got married, I remained casual friends with 2 other ex's. But I have DH, and I don't need attention from my ex's.

The one on FB, we "like" each others pictures, occasionally comment on something, but that's it. My brother always referred to this specific ex as my "gay BFF", and while he does like women, there is ZERO attraction either way, and he used to very much be my shopping/drinks friend vs a booty call or anything else.

[mom2binsd]

I'm still close with my X's mom/dad and when I return home each summer (it's a 1000 miles from here) we visit. We also talk on the phone once or twice. I've spoken with X a few times on the phone but haven't seen him although this summer we may get together as he's going to help with some renovations at my dad's house. I'll introduce my children to him and they know mommy had boyfriends before I met XH....I was 32 when we married.

[elektra]

If there's no feelings left between the 2 of you (good or bad), then there shouldn't be any issues. But since you're saying that you're annoyed and may be uncomfortable, is it because you guys broke up in bad terms? Or DH jealous? Or maybe breakup wasn't mutual?? Or are you jealous of his girlfriend since you're referencing her age and that he's possibly dating his student?

There are really no bad feelings. Our breakup was definitely bad, but after the breakup (maybe a year later? I can't remember) we exchanged a few emails where he said there were no hard feelings, he realized it was all for the best, he wished me the very best, I wished him and his family the same. He offered to get together for coffee, including with DH, but it never worked out. So no inherent drama there.
DH is not jealous but I know he is probably feeling slightly weird, as they have never been in the same room together since the breakup.
I wouldn't say I am jealous of the ex's girlfriend. I think I would have to have some attraction to the ex or "what could have been" if that were to be true, but I really do not. I think I am just annoyed that my SIL is good friends with her and that she is young and pretty. Super petty and immature of me, I know. I don't really feel jealousy though. More annoyance that I am even worrying about this. I just didn't want to have to think about any of it when I am supposed to be celebrating my brother and doing a vacation. It's sort of like vacationing with my ex and his girlfriend, KWIM? Just not something I would prefer.

[KLD313]

I'm friends with my ex-h on FB but it was a long time coming. He came to my grandmothers wake a couple or years ago which I thought was nice. It wasn't awkward for me but it was for everyone else in the room. Like ppl gasped when he walked in, watched us interact and questioned me when he left. I do plan to tell my kids I was married as I'm not married to their father. In your case I don't think it's necessary to bring it up. Do you think they would ask you know you know him?

[westwoodmom04]

I wouldn't mention it to the kids other than to say that he was a friend from college. I recently attended the second wedding of my college boyfriend who also happened to be boyhood friends with dh (which was why we were invited). It felt slightly weird, but really not because some many years have gone by, college seems like a lifetime ago. I think you will find easier than you imagine.

Our kids have met him and his new wife (who has a child a similar age) and think of him primarily as daddy's friend.

[ckso]

I think it'll be MORE awkward if you tell your kids. I just don't think it's necessary.

[citymama]

I wouldn't tell the kids. No need to. And don't let it get to you. Just treat him like any other guest at the wedding and enjoy your time in the sun!

Now I want to know who the OiTNB actress is!

[lizzywednesday]

No, I'm not still friends with any of my exes.

Two are mentally disturbed, I lost touch with a third, and I work (or used to work - he may have been laid off last year) with a fourth. Our paths would cross occasionally while he sets up other folks' tech, but we are not "friends."

Due to the issues surrounding our breakups, I have actually blocked the first 2 from connecting with me on Facebook. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I don't trust them to have made great strides in self-improvement, especially since neither of them could see what was wrong in the first place. (My BFF is friends with the one I dated in high school and I heard through her that he was "hurt" that I'd both rejected his FB friend request and blocked him, but I have no interest whatsoever in letting him back in my life, even casually on FB, because I feel he's so toxic.)

I am still friends with a couple of guys I hung out with/hooked up with during college, but DD doesn't know either of them. I doubt she will ever meet them, which is OK because, again, we are not friends, just "friendly."

By the time she's old enough to understand such things, I plan to be honest with her. (Yes, I dated a few guys before I met Daddy; Daddy also dated a few girls before he met Mommy. That's OK. We were 29 and 32 when we got married.)

[elektra]

I wouldn't tell the kids. No need to. And don't let it get to you. Just treat him like any other guest at the wedding and enjoy your time in the sun!

Now I want to know who the OiTNB actress is!

I don't think she even has a credit. I know she does something with the show but she is definitely not a main character. Probably an extra.
Yes, I am hoping it ends up being just like any other guest kind of thing and a non-issue. I had not really even thought much about it until I started googling!

[TwinFoxes]

I wouldn't tell the kids. No need to. And don't let it get to you. Just treat him like any other guest at the wedding and enjoy your time in the sun!

Now I want to know who the OiTNB actress is!

:yeahthat: I've seen your bikini pics, you have nothing to worry about. :) If your kids ask who the ex is, I'd say "that's Xavier, he's an old friend of ours, he's going to be in the wedding". My kids would have stopped listening after "that's" :)

i wonder which actress she is too!

Oh, and I'm friends with one ex, the most normal of the bunch. And when I say friends, I mean FB friends only. I've preemptively blocked pretty much all the other ones.

[maestramommy]

I'm friends with two exes. One was actually one of my BFFs from HS and we dated for maybe 3 months?? Then went back to being friends. We lost touch several years ago, then reconnected through FB right before DD3 was born. Occasionally chatting through FB is the extent of our contact.

The second was my first more serious BF. We also reconnected through FB a few years back, and that's about it. Both guys are married, have kids, and are incredibly happy with their lives. And I'm incredibly happy for them :) (long story)

[sweetsue98]

I've had an ex in high school, college and after college. We dated for 3+ Years each and NOT friends with any of them on FB. If I was in your situation I would be uncomfortable too. Not saying you have feeling but not the ideal situation. I probably wouldn't say anything to the kids except he's a friend or a friend of your brothers.

[squimp]

Good question. I have not broached this subject yet with my ten-year-old, but almost did the other day. I decided to wait, but I can see us discussing it at some point.

[american_mama]

You know, I would have liked knowing something about my mother's dating life when I was a teenager. I was the family photo organizer as a child, and always wondered about a beautiful prom photo of her with a guy in high school and wondered who he was, if someone besides my dad considered my mom attractive (nah, couldn't be! to my childish brain). As a teen and 20something, I think it would have beeen valuable to know if my mom had been engaged and broken it off, how she made that decision, what it might teach me about recognizing the flaws in a relationship and having the guts to call it quits. Now, a young child doesn't need to know all that, but I think setting the stage is important, even if the stage is just acknowledging that you were once friends with someone or even that you once dated. Leave it there for a decade and maybe it will come up again, directly or indirectly, when your child needs some relationship advice later in life.

For me, I'm friends with one teen boyfriend who our family visited for several days while we were overseas. His family also came to our wedding. My kids know and remember his family well. They only know that we met and became friends when he was an exchange student in my town.

[hwin708]

Given that your kids are 6 and 4, I would just tell them he's an old friend. Anything else would be oddly unnecessary information, like saying "Mr. K used to drive a Jeep." Ummm, okay. Oddly unnecessary information.

If the kids were teens, and thus more versed in things like dating, I would probably mention he was an ex, mainly because I could see it coming up over the family dinner table, with some harmless teasing from DH. To which there are two potential reactions from my teen set - a sort of fascination, like the thought of me having any kind of life before them and dad is a novel, foreign idea; or complete disinterest and disgust, as the thought of me having any life outside of them is gross and boring.

For the record, I knew my mother's ex-boyfriend growing up. We grew up in the same well-off segment of the city that she did, and many of her classmates and neighbors remained in the same area/school with their eventual families. They attended some of the same parties and events for decades, long after their youthful dating. So we would occasionally socialize with, what she called, her "high school sweetheart." It was never awkward. That seemed like a lifetime ago for them, and to us, it was an incomprehensible version of our mother. We saw the prom pics, she was a knockout, he was handsome... but they weren't real people to us. Her best friend talking about how everyone thought they were going to get married, but mom broke up with him? Just some weird mom ancient history with Mr. K.