DH and I are crummy at communicating and I'm mad right now.

[bisous]

Help?

DH and I have the BEST foundation a marriage could have. Seriously. We have so much respect for each other. All the big aspects of life we really see eye to eye. We enjoy each other's company and are good friends. We are still attracted to each other, yada yada yada...But we communicate SO differently and we consequently fight about THE dumbest stuff ever.

So because my filter is beyond gunked up with years worth of disagreements/miscommunications I'm wondering what YOU think I should do.

I woke up with the worst crick in the neck. I seriously can't turn my neck right or left at all. It is very painful and today was FULL of stuff to do. 3 hours of church to prep for (I taught Sunday School today), dinner guests, DH's parents stopped by etc. It was HARD. All throughout this time DH has been super supportive of me, saying "oh let me hold the baby so you can rest" and massaging my neck.

As soon as the big kids are asleep, the house guests leave, he slips into his pjs, he starts feeling "sick" too. In fact, he is now sleeping in the other room!

In his defense, he's been extremely busy, he IS fighting a cold (same one I've had for the past week but he is a guy, lol) etc.

But truth is, I'm ticked. I'm stuck cleaning up all the dishes (after doing all the cooking), and DD is still awake, my neck has been hurting since 6 am (it is 10 pm). WWYD? I feel so stumped as to what to do. I WANT to wake him up, have him deal with the dishes and the baby and go relax but I just don't want to get drawn into an argument. I don't know how to phrase it and not get in a fight!

And what can we do about communicating better? We both avoid talking to each other about our relationship because it never turns out well. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I feel paralyzed to start even the most innocuous conversations. Usually what happens is that we end up NOT seeing eye to eye for some period of time and then when we get everyone's intentions and true feelings sorted out, we have been in agreement all along.

So frustrating.

TIA!

[Piglet]

Honestly? That's when I just go to bed and deal with the cleanup in the morning. A messy kitchen can wait. Try to get some rest and deal with it when you are fresher in the morning. That was the advice MIL gave us before we got married - when you're angry, go to bed... Everyone will feel better once you've slept a bit.

[bisous]

I seriously didn't even think about that. (Duh!) Maybe the sleep will help my neck pain and I'm sure the dishes will wait. DD is asleep now, I'm out!

[goldenpig]

Honestly? That's when I just go to bed and deal with the cleanup in the morning. A messy kitchen can wait. Try to get some rest and deal with it when you are fresher in the morning. That was the advice MIL gave us before we got married - when you're angry, go to bed... Everyone will feel better once you've slept a bit.

:yeahthat: Hope you get some rest and that your neck feels better in the morning. Maybe you can tackle the dishes together tomorrow. Or do the "toddler's choice" to DH: "Would you like to cook breakfast and get the kids ready, or put away the dishes?" instead of just nagging him, LOL.

[hellokitty]

I hope you got some rest. LIke the two pp before me, I would have just gone to bed and dealt with the mess the next day, hoping that my neck felt better. Anyway, hope that you got some rest and your neck isn't bothering you as much. As far as your marriage, I actually think that you guys sound very healthy in your marriage. My dh and I are very similar and if we do fight, it is over stupid stuff these days and when one or both of us isn't feeling well.

[hillview]

Hugs. It is hard. I agree with PP and glad you went to bed. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the trees and not see the forrest. Hope your neck is better today, DH isn't sick and the dishes clean up quick.

[maestramommy]

Well, as to this specific event (I know it's long past by now, sorry!), I would just wake him up and say, "Could you help me with the dishes and the baby?" Often that's all it takes for me and Dh. If I'm slow to help him out with the cleanup and even though it's his job in the evenings, if he needs help he just asks for it, plain and simple. Without any value judgement in his voice. I will do the same if I am getting behind and we are on a timeclock.

[NJ_Mom2011]

Hope your neck is feeling better. If not, I would be taking ibuprofen and a hot shower. Your Sundays do sound ambitious, I admit that I do far less activities, and I don't have a young baby to take care of.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Sometimes it helps to take a deep breath and decide if it's a battle worth picking. In this example, no. You were choosing cleaning the house and making yourself grumpy. You had a choice not to. Your dh was making a wise choice to rest. :). When I take that deep breath I try to think if there are alternatives to my irritability. Often there are. If there aren't or it really is a battle worth fighting, it's ok- even healthy marriages do that. :)

[wellyes]

I am a big believer in "you own me one!" Giving and receiving. Sometimes you need a nap. But that means you find a chance to give a break to the spouse who covered for you. In this case, I'd ask him to clean up after dinner and put the kids to bed tonight so you can relax.

[almostmom]

So sorry you were going through this last night. I had to post as I get those neck kinks and they are so debilitating! But the past year I have found that, surprisingly, going to a chiropractor can get rid of the pain in a day. Before, it was a week or maybe even 2 before it was totally healed, as it felt like a major muscle spasm. But as much as I loathe the chiro (it scares me every time), it makes a huge difference in the neck kink situation.

And I think you and DH should address the fact that you are hesitant to talk about things because you know they will blow up and become a fight. That kind of conversation is really helpful in my marriage, if I bring it up at a safe/neutral time. I'm glad you left the dishes for the morning - it sounds like you and DH both needed a break, and to sleep. But I'm sure it was maddening at the time.

[123LuckyMom]

Hope you get some rest and that your neck feels better in the morning. Maybe you can tackle the dishes together tomorrow. Or do the "toddler's choice" to DH: "Would you like to cook breakfast and get the kids ready, or put away the dishes?" instead of just nagging him, LOL.

I do the toddlers choice thing ALL THE TIME with DH. I don't do it in a bossy way. I just lay out the things that need to get done and ask which piece he'd rather do. I just don't give not helping as an option!

Going to sleep and leaving the dishes was the right choice! It's always best when you feel stuck to try hard to think of a third option where everyone can get what they need. One way of having tough conversations is to focus on yourself and your own needs. Let your DH know what you need and let him tell you what he needs and work together to figure out how to solve the problem rather than focussing on how the other person is falling short. Tough conversations often benefit from a little distance. Sometimes writing each other letters or emails or talking over the phone can be better than talking face to face.

[BabbyO]

I feel like I could have written your post...yet I think in your situation I would also opt to go to bed...glad you did! Additionally, I'll agree with Liz (almostmom). I had terrible neck pain that started last winter/spring. Actually it started earlier, but it would go away in a day or two. But by last winter, I could barely turn my head to the left when driving. I'd have to turn my whole body. Then a friend recommended a good chiropractor. She has been a life saver to me. Unfortunately my subluxation was so bad that it took several trips to make it better, and I still need maintenance adjustments, but I will say that I wish I'd gone sooner. It may be something you want to look at.

[bisous]

Thanks, all. I feel a little better this morning. Maybe I WILL call the chiro this afternoon and see if I can get an appointment.

I do feel like I need to do something about our communication issues. I check out some of the books recommended in another thread. The Goddard book was great but that's how I realized that our marriage actually has lots of GOOD things in it, lol and it really is all about communication. The Deborah Tannen books was really difficult for me to read. Maybe we just need to see someone to teach us a few tricks so that we can not spend so much time and effort on silly arguments.

Thanks again!

[Piglet]

I find for us, one key thing to understand is that DH is not a mind-reader, no matter how much I expect him to be. When I am in a bad mood about something that has been festering, I outright tell him that I am upset or grumpy. Sometimes the problem is him, and sometimes I am just grumpy for some other reason and it is colouring my ability to be kind and accepting of his quirks. I also am very clear when I need his help. I ask him if he can help in the same way I ask a neighbour to help or a friend - not in a tone that expresses an expectation, but as a genuine "please, can you help me?". He really does well with very clear directions or expectations and I do well when I don't stew on things.

In the situation you describe, I would ask him in the morning how he was feeling and show care and concern. Then I would explain that I am still feeling grumpy from the day before - thanks to both the neck ache and how crazy busy the previous day was. I would also be clear that I am feeling a bit resentful that he just off and went to bed with no offer of assistance and that you basically had no choice but to call it a night as well. I would then say, "I really do need your help today - can you please help me clean up the kitchen or watch the kids while I clean the kitchen?"

I wouldn't make it a "you never help me me", or "you always bail on me" conversation. I would also recognize that you are both in a very stressful time in your lives and that maybe you need to scale back on your social and other obligations for a little while. DH and I are horrible for this - we have been WAY over-committed these past few years and I can completely see us having this very same realization when #4 arrives... I should really bookmark this thread, LOL.

Hugs!