The whole open marriage thing....

[Mopey]

I was flipping through Glamour in an attempt to get through the increasingly large stack of don'tapplytomeanymore glossies and found in a "My First Time..." article and a blurb about a guys' first time cheating on his wife with her permission. That it had been her idea before they married and he finally acquiesced about 10 months in. Anyway...

Is anyone actually okay with this? Has anyone, or anyone you know tried it? Full disclosure: hubby and I both come from families where there was infidelity handled badly but it just sends the sickest feeling right through me....the idea just feels so wrong to me......I guess I am interested in others opinions and maybe some explanation as to how it could be a good thing, or something like that? Because I just don't understand....

TIA :)

[georgiegirl]

I can really only see it working for swingers...where both parties are involved and it's just sex.

[mommylamb]

It would not work for me or my DH. But, I am aware of people who did this once with agreement and never felt the need to again and have been happily married for many years since then.

[specialp]

Did it go into why she wanted him to? It is hard for me to imagine, but to each his own I suppose.

ETA: I had a friend in college and grad school, older than me and married for a long time, who had a lot of pain during intercourse. It got worse and worse each year to the point that they stopped. She used to joke about doing this because she felt bad for her dh, but I do not know if they ever did. As far as I know, it was just a joke, but was an issue that weighed on them a great deal. I know that many years later she had surgery to remove endo, had no more pain after that, and they are still married.

[Simon]

I do know a few open marriages or people in non-traditional marriages (polyamorous) in various stages of life. At least one open marriage is 30+ years long with both parties happy in the arrangement. Its not what I wanted for myself, but it doesn't bother me to know that others prefer it.

[Pennylane]

I read the same article and like you I don't get it. I couldn't do it and I wouldn't be ok with my DH doing it either. We had neighbors who were swingers, they always seemed happy on the surface ??

Abn


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[elektra]

I have never known anyone that is ok with this. I can't really see how it could work out well but maybe there are people who are ok with it.

I did work with someone years ago who belonged to a sort of S&M sex club type of thing. He and his girlfriend dressed up in their outfits for Halloween and brought a bunch of their "toys" in for props for the "who could decorate their cube the best" contest. It was bizarre to say the least. They mentioned that they were not mongamous. (They were not married though.)
People are into some weird stuff.

[mikala]

A friend of a friend was married to a guy that kinda forced the open marriage bit after they were married for several years. He somehow thought it was ok if he told her she could step out too even though she wasn't interested. Needless to say they are now divorced and last I heard he was in a consensual open relationship with swinging and similar.

[wellyes]

I know one person in such a marriage (that I am aware of). As long as all parties are OK with it, I don't think it is that awful. But it's not for me.

[ahisma]

I know one person in such a marriage (that I am aware of). As long as all parties are OK with it, I don't think it is that awful. But it's not for me.

This is pretty much my theory. If it works for you, great. It's not for me. My DH would be horrified at the suggestion, so I think I'm all good there;)

[brittone2]

We had a member here a few years ago who was pretty open about having an open marriage.

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[brittone2]

I often wonder how people handle this as their lives change. The idea may seem liberating, etc when you are younger, but I wonder what percentage of couples remain comfortable with that agreement as they mature, start a family, or find their own personal needs changing. I suppose there is renegotiation in many marriages (open and not), so perhaps not insurmountable. It just seems complex to agree to it and then perhaps having your feelings change as time goes on.

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[wellyes]

I often wonder how people handle this as their lives change. The idea may seem liberating, etc when you are younger, but I wonder what percentage of couples remain comfortable with that agreement as they mature, start a family, or find their own personal needs changing. I suppose there is renegotiation in many marriages (open and not), so perhaps not insurmountable. It just seems complex to agree to it and then perhaps having your feelings change as time goes on.

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I was thinking the opposite. Physical intimacy is so critical early in marriage, but so many women experience a decline in interest in that after kids, middle age, weight gain, antidepressants, etc etc. I could see making a deal: longterm companionship and raising a family together, while negotiating the bedroom part.

Having said that: young women of the world, if a man tells you his wife is OK with him bedhopping, there's a 99.999% probability that he is lying.

[Indianamom2]

I guess my question is....Why bother to get married in the first place if you don't want to only be committed to that one person?

[Ceepa]

It doesn't make any sense to me.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It might be one of those things I could initially understand but I just don't think I could accept in my life. The jealousy and competitive type feelings would truly get to me. And, if it were me doing it? Then I would feel like it was chipping away at the intimacy of marriage.

[carolinacool]

I totally thought this thread was going to be about Robin Thicke and Paula Patton. LOL They announced they were separating yesterday after being together 20 years (met in high school). It's been widely rumored that they have an open marriage and folks are pointing to that as the likely reason for the split.

I personally don't get it, but whatever floats your boat.

[Simon]

But most of the couples I know in this situation are committed to everything except sexual monogamy. They raise(d) children together, support each other's careers, are together through illnesses/cancer, have built a life and memories. They just don't have a rule against sexual intimacy with other adults, although I don't know all the details of their arrangements.

[tabegle]

I know of someone who was in a relationship like this. He was married, and him and his wife, as part of their lifestyle, were to maintain relationships both with their spouse and with others. It wasn't just supposed to be for sex, it was supposed to be for an emotional bond too.

I barely have time for me, never mind DH and other men! lol :)

If it works for them, great. Who am I to judge.

I don't see how it would work for me, or for anyone that would ever want children. But whatever. I don't see any harm in consenting adults choosing to live like this.

[doberbrat]

Clearly some people are "OK" with this since there are plenty of well documented cases of 'alternative' marriages. So long as everyone is on board with the arrangement and there is no coersion, then I guess its OK. What goes on behind the doors of 2 (or more) consenting adults is really none of my business.

I dont claim to understand it and its not for me but whatever.

[Ceepa]

How do people feel about children being involved? Is it still OK that the couples share themselves outside of the marriage?

[wellyes]

How do people feel about children being involved? Is it still OK that the couples share themselves outside of the marriage?

The way I think of it, I know a whole lot of pretty clearly miserable married couples. I would guess a happy open marriage is much better for kids than growing up with parents who don't respect each other. It's certainly not worse.

[SnuggleBuggles]

The way I think of it, I know a whole lot of pretty clearly miserable married couples. I would guess a happy open marriage is much better for kids than growing up with parents who don't respect each other. It's certainly not worse.

Agree with that.

[TwinFoxes]

But most of the couples I know in this situation are committed to everything except sexual monogamy.

Wow, how many do you know?

i don't know anyone with an open marriage. It's not for me. Or my DH, if he knows what's good for him. ;)

Who was the member who had an open marriage? That must have been before my time.

[cilantromapuche]

one of my friends sister is in one and it seems like a lot of drama. They didn't know who the father of her baby (didn't have him tested to see if Hubby was father) which didn't seem important until there were some health issues and family history would've been nice to know. Then there was drama when he was off wooing GF while she was home with baby. then she had a BF. I can't imagine how it affects children. They seem so caught up in their love life that the children are neglected.

[brittone2]

I dont feel comfortable naming bames, but yes it was quite a few years ago. She was a pretty regular poster.

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[brittone2]

Stupid phone. Sorry, that was obviously supposed to be naming names.

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[Cam&Clay]

I dated a guy in high school whose parents had an open marriage. I had no idea until both parents showed up at a party with their dates.

Want me to make it even more awkward? His mom was my biology teacher.

He thought it was just normal since he couldn't remember a time when he didn't do things with mom and dad, or dad and girlfriend, or mom and boyfriend.

I adored this guy, but his version of love was way skewed. We stayed friends for years and still keep in touch via FB. He eventually married and has two adorable children, but I have always wondered how he views marriage now.

[doberbrat]

How do people feel about children being involved? Is it still OK that the couples share themselves outside of the marriage?


:shrug: In a "perfect" world, every child would have 2 parents who are in a loving, respectful, committed relationship who love, protect and nurture that child.

But the world is FAR from "perfect". I'd guess a happy open/poly marriage is better than having a spouse cheating on another or being miserable and feeling trapped in the marriage. And, I'd also guess that good/bad/indifferent parents in open/poly marriages just like traditional marriages.

[MMMommy]

I couldn't and wouldn't (nor would DH). But to each his own.

[Snow mom]

How do people feel about children being involved? Is it still OK that the couples share themselves outside of the marriage?

A good friend grew up in a household like this (and I adore her mother). Her parents divorced when she was very young and her mom and stepdad had an open relationship. My understanding is they were more spiritual life partners and that sex outside the relationship was fine. They've been together 30+ years and raised a very wonderful, thoughtful, interesting young woman so I think it can clearly work. There is much worse that I worry about kids being exposed to than a loving but sexually open home.

[Hemlock]

I had a friend that was in a monogamous marriage for 51 weeks/year. Once a year, she and her husband went on a trip with about 5-7 other couples (alway the same couples) and it was "open season". This lasted for about 3 or 4 years until two of the couples split up because their spouses had fallen for each other.

[knaidel]

I also remember that poster! It was from when my 9 year old was a baby, so back in 2005-06.

I really can't see such a setup as a means to happy, fulfilling relationship.... I see lots of jealousy, resentments, and insecurities. And who needs parents who are all wrapped up in the drama of their love lives, like a pp mentioned? SO glad to be over with that! But what do I know?

[american_mama]

When I used cloth diapers, the diaperswappers.com board had a number of people in open marriages or polyamorous relationships. It was the first time I'd heard of polyamorous and I always was slightly shocked by the very concept. Those poly wives had children. One said they weren't completely sure who was the father when she got pregnant, so they did a DNA test (through the mail? as I recall). Her no biggie attitude was very foreign to me. I've seen one reality show (Married and Dating) and one short documentary on youtube about this. The reality show had two married couples who lived together and I believe all had sex with each other in various combinations, plus the couples dated/had sex with others as well. There were no children. The documentary had a polyamorous couple with children, and the older girl, an articulate 8ish year old, talked about how normal and happy it was. (I must say, DH and I were unconvinced, but the girl certainly seemed lovely.) The dad talked about how he woudl tell his kids at bedtime that it was Wednesday, his night to go to his girlfriend's, and that he woudln't be there in the morning. Blew my mind.

I actually understand swinging more. Some people are turned on by having sex with others and feel it does not weaken their marriage bond. The couple usually stays together in the same room while one or both have sex with someone else. I actually think this would become MORE likely the longer a couple is married, with or without kids, as they look for a new spark or feel more comfortable expressing a desire they may have long had. I am sure it varies, but the couples I've seen interviewed generally do not tell their children that they swing. I recently found out that mainstream cruise lines have a swingers cruise where presumably everybody on the ship is there for that purpose, including there being a public "playroom" (public sex) and "dungeon" room for S&M stuff ala 50 Shades of Grey. You can get bracelets in different colors outlining your basic desires. The existence of that doesn't surprise me, but the mainstream cruise line and extreme organization of it all did. You can see that youtube video by search bianca and cruise. I can't find the link for documentary with the poly family with children.

[hellokitty]

DH works with someone (actually, the spouse works at the same place too) who is basically a swinger. So, I guess you could say that they have an open marriage. They do not advertise it, but everyone basically knows it, and the one dh works with got caught having an affair with another employee, and he got a slap on the hand and woman he had an affair with got fired for it. Meanwhile, his wife acts like she doesn't see ANY of it, even though the entire town knows (and she has been known to hit on other men before, so this is why everyone thinks it's an open marriage, b/c they both seem to do their own thing), and she doesn't seem at all bothered by the fact that her husband is always fooling around with someone else. I have no clue what their family life is like, since they are very private about that part, they do have two kids together.

What I have read in the past, is that eventually these arrangements don't work, because one person usually ends up getting jealous.

[knaidel]

Clarify: I don't actually know anyone in such a relationship. I meant that that's what I envision, not what I actually see from people

[ourbabygirl]

totally not for me! Don't these people worry about spreading STDs?

[kara97210]

I barely have time for me, never mind DH and other men! lol :)

Seriously, it sounds exhausting.

A friend of one of my very close friends was in an open marriage (she's going through a divorce now) and is dating a guy who she was open with, who is still married to his wife who knows about the relationship (confusing enough?). She basically had a long term boyfriend in the middle of a 15 year marriage, along with other boyfriends over the years. There are children involved, and its got to be confusing for them (long term boyfriend was around a lot over the years). There is so much drama with all of this woman's relationships and she's constantly going from one crisis to another. I've basically told my friend I won't do another girl's night if this woman is going to be there rambling about her 25 relationships. It's like high school, but with kids, careers, houses, etc. I think having commitment-free sex with other people is one thing, but dating within marriage is a recipe for disaster.

[amatahrain]

I totally thought this thread was going to be about Robin Thicke and Paula Patton. LOL They announced they were separating yesterday after being together 20 years (met in high school). It's been widely rumored that they have an open marriage and folks are pointing to that as the likely reason for the split.

I personally don't get it, but whatever floats your boat.

This is 100% what I was thinking it would be about too.

PS. I'd like to imagine they'll get back together (not really a fan of his and the only reason I know her is b/c of him & tmz) if he can stop getting caught by cameras with his hands literally down other girls pants. He needs to stop embarrassing his wife and child. They seemed to get by just fine for the last 20 years with their arrangement.

[daisysmom]

I second a previous poster that said who has time for an open marriage. I barely have time for a "closed marriage" and raising a child, doing homework, pets, a career, and myself. How do they have energy to do this? I guess I want their energy source (though not their life).
My sister knows a swinger couple though, and we had a ball trying to figure out if they would talk about it when we were with them socially. They didn't. But someone said to use that white patio stones (little white rocks for landscaping) for a house is a swinger designation?

[dogmom]

I have close friends who have an open marriage and it works for them. They have rules about the other one vetoing a potential partner, how much time they spend with each other, etc. They lead busy lives with no kids, travel a lot. I think for them it's been a way to stay together for a couple of decades and still meet needs they have that would not be met in a conventional marriage. It does seem to be a lot of work, however, as PP mentioned. However, I peripherally have known other relationships over the years that subscribe to the polyamorous thought process. I find often these relationships are not on a sound footing, with one partner not really wanting the open relationship but going along with it. I'm aware of it from a geeky subculture I was attached to and I used to joke they were nerds when they are younger that are making up for a decade of no dates. Really does fall into the as long as you aren't controlling another person or harming children I really don't care.

[boolady]

But someone said to use that white patio stones (little white rocks for landscaping) for a house is a swinger designation?

Interesting. Around me growing up, the swinger designation was allegedly marked by having a plastic lawn flamingo.

[mikala]

But someone said to use that white patio stones (little white rocks for landscaping) for a house is a swinger designation?

Ha! Maybe my ILs have a secret life. :eek:

[MSWR0319]

Just curious, how do people meet others who are interested in this type of relationship? I know there are "parties" for swingers, but how else do people meet each other and know that they are interested? Does someone in an open relationship just start dating someone single and then tell them or is it something where they are dating another person in an open relationship?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Just curious, how do people meet others who are interested in this type of relationship? I know there are "parties" for swingers, but how else do people meet each other and know that they are interested? Does someone in an open relationship just start dating someone single and then tell them or is it something where they are dating another person in an open relationship?

I'm sure you can find that kind of thing on Craigslist or classifieds. In our neighborhood, the lore goes that if you put a white rock out by your mailbox, you are into swinging. Key parties were quite the rage many years ago too.

[almostmom]

I don't personally know anyone in an open marriage, but I listen to the Savage Love podcast so hear about it a lot. And while my marriage is not open, and the idea of the potential jealousy does scare me sick, I also can imagine that having allowed sex outside ones marriage could make the marriage bed even hotter. I adore my husband, we are the best of friends, and have a pretty good sex life. But my libido is no where near where it was,where I want it to be, or where his is! And while some of that is kids and age and hormones, I'm sure if I had the opportunity to (and the inclination to) fool around with a new guy who I was attracted to, my libido would rise pretty quickly! New love (and lust) is exciting, and something that is inherently missing from a long-term relationship. And feeling sexual with someone new would probably make me feel more excited about sex in general, meaning sex with DH would be enhanced by the fling. This is what I have taken from all I've heard about open marriages.

I do think it's obviously risky business, and needs to take place in a very stable relationship with great communication. But I also think that we hear about the open marriages that fail, but not about the ones that don't. Most people probably don't share if they do have an open marriage. And I would also assume that each situation is different, and each couple negotiates the terms that work for them.

I think it can work if you have kids or not, but if it was me, it would not be something I would let my kids know!

[Twoboos]

Interesting. Around me growing up, the swinger designation was allegedly marked by having a plastic lawn flamingo.


In our neighborhood, the lore goes that if you put a white rock out by your mailbox, you are into swinging.

I heard around here "the sign" is supposedly a blue pot by your front door! Lots of raised eyebrows as I drive by houses in town, LOL.

[123LuckyMom]

If you're curious about polyamory, there's a reality show on Showtime that has a few seasons. It shows a lot of skin and sex, but when I stumbled across it, I was totally drawn in and watched the whole series! They cover a bunch of different kinds of relationships. One couple who lives with another couple (and all of them also have outside relationships) have a son. This might be the series Married and Dating mentioned by a PP. It was like watching a car wreck. I couldn't turn away! Certainly, I would not enjoy that lifestyle. Polygamy, maybe. The built in babysitting alone might sway me ;), but polyamory? It doesn't appeal.

[lalasmama]

But someone said to use that white patio stones (little white rocks for landscaping) for a house is a swinger designation?

...... Hhhmmmmm. That could be more about my mom than I care to know, thanks! Lol.

[rin]

Oh my, I don't personally know of anyone in an open relationship, although as a PP said I do read Savage Love so I've heard a fair amount about them there. But I am very surprised by some of these rumored landscaping tells! My grandparents had white patio stones, and my parents have blue flower pots on their porch . . . I certainly hope those are not signs of secret dating lives!

[BabbyO]

But someone said to use that white patio stones (little white rocks for landscaping) for a house is a swinger designation?


Ha! Maybe my ILs have a secret life. :eek:


...... Hhhmmmmm. That could be more about my mom than I care to know, thanks! Lol.

Yikes...now I'm wondering about all the retired couples that live in our neighborhood! AND I understand why pulling that stone out of our yard was such an obsession for me!

[specialp]

White stones, blue pots. . . I'm truly scared to put anything outside now! I have never heard of any of this! [Eta: I have neither, thank goodness.]

[#2ontheway]

I know several gay couples (men) who admit to having openness in their relationships, and they claim that openness is "the norm" among gay men (I wouldn't know if that's true, this is just what they've told me). It seems to create some difficulties even in these "consensual" contexts. Also I know two men who contracted HIV when straying outside of their primary relationship. IDK. Not for me.

[Mopey]

Love all these replies!! :) So fun to come back and find so much to read! I do have to get back to work but just wanted to share:

1) I am so the jealous, possessive type! He is MINE. Plus, frankly, we are still totally hot for each other. There may even have been a high five in the recent past :bag:rotflmao:

2) Despite the fact that I think ALL three are fabulous design choices I will have to think twice/gauge the neighborhood before I lay down my white patio pebbles next to my blue pot and pink flamingo by the front door. Thanks for the heads up. :thumbsup:

PS - I don't know about kids and it's obviously not for me but I totally vote for happy parents!!

ETA: That does make me really sad to hear about RT & PP :( I loved that they were hs sweethearts (but I didn't know about the open marriage!).