I'm so ashamed of myself...

[Pennylane]

Last night I said a few things to my DS , who is 8, and I feel so awful and ashamed that I did. I basically told him " to stop acting like a girl" and if he didn't start playing sports he was never going to be one of the guys. Please, no need for flames as I know what I said was awful and there isn't much anyone could say to me to make me feel worse than I do.

He is a great kid. Super smart, funny, handsome, and is very well liked. He is also athletic but for some reason he has no interest in playing team sports. Of course that is all the boys around us do all the time, so he ends of playing with the younger kids . I guess I am just so worried that he is going to get teased about it. They already say " Oh, Bill doesn't do sports " when anyone asks if he will play. One of the boys particularly gives him a really rough time about it.

I plan on talking to him today and apologizing. Was just hoping someone could help me find the words to explain to him what I was worried about.

Thanks,

Ann

[hillview]

Oh hugs. That is hard. I'd try to find some quite one on one time (we snuggle in bed in the morning) and focus on him (I sometimes have a hard time with this, put iPhone away etc). I'd say
"DS I want to talk to you about yesterday. You are a wonderful boy, [insert how you feel/what you wrote up above], I really appreciate how hard you work and blah blah. Yesterday when I said you should stop acting like a girl I was way out of line and I bet that really hurt your feelings. I am so sorry, do you accept my apology?"

I'd also ask if he has any questions or wants to say anything and I'd listen.

HUGS mama.

[icunurse]

It happens. Don't beat yourself up too much (easier said than done, I know). You will be setting a good example for your DS by apologizing and admitting that you behaved poorly. At least that is what I tell myself in times like this :) I would just take a quiet moment this morning to calmly say that what you said yesterday was said in frustration and, even for adults, saying things in anger isn't right and can hurt feelings. Apologize for saying it, for hurting his feelings, and tell him that you will try to do better and then let it go.

Personally, and I was more taken aback by this part, I would also consider discussing how "acting like a girl" isn't a bad thing. You don't want him to get the idea that girls are weaker or whinier or whatever from that comment. I can assure you that I had far more athletic talent than many, many boys when I was younger :)

[123LuckyMom]

You know you made a mistake, and that's very much to your credit. There are many who would consider what you said to be a parenting gem, so you're already way ahead of the game.

I would tell your son exactly what you told us. Tell him all the good qualities you see, and tell him your words stemmed from your fears for his happiness, just as you told us. Apologize and let him know that you were wrong, that it was fear speaking, and that, while you continue to have the concerns you have about other people and the shortcomings THEY might have in being unable to see his good qualities, you do see them, and sports or no sports, you know he is a spectacular kid anyone would be lucky to have as a friend. Tell him you feel lucky to have him as your son. Tell him you are proud of him. Have the conversation about sports participation on another day when you are calm and can hear what he has to say about it.

[JBaxter]

we are not perfect parents. That's how I usually start out. A simple Im sorry I said that to you generally works here. I spoke out with frustration and that he's a great kid and you love him.

[AshleyAnn]

Yikes tough spot to be in. Here in the south its very expected a boy will be into "boy things". No flames here - sometimes we put our foot in our mouths

[Pennylane]

.

Personally, and I was more taken aback by this part, I would also consider discussing how "acting like a girl" isn't a bad thing. You don't want him to get the idea that girls are weaker or whinier or whatever from that comment. I can assure you that I had far more athletic talent than many, many boys when I was younger :)

That part had nothing to do with sports, it was about his whining and crying about something else (not that it makes it any better). Same as you, I was (and still am) very athletic. It was an all around stupid comment.

Ann

[Pennylane]

Yikes tough spot to be in. Here in the south its very expected a boy will be into "boy things". No flames here - sometimes we put our foot in our mouths

That is where I grew up and now am in Texas. All boys are expected to play sports in Texas.

Ann

[pinkmomagain]

((HUGS)) I think pps gave great advice on how to follow up with your son.


He is a great kid. Super smart, funny, handsome, and is very well liked. He is also athletic but for some reason he has no interest in playing team sports.

Just wanted to throw out the possibility that perhaps your ds may have some level of performance anxiety? Does he have any perfectionist tendencies? Have a hard time with criticism/constructive feedback? A couple of my kids have this to some degree. My oldest was a great swimmer when she was younger and DH and I sooo wanted to see her continue with the sport, but she did not like to be coached. She is also pretty competitive and can be hard on herself...likes to do well or not at all. Just thought I would put this out there as a possibility, especially since you mentioned he does have athletic abilities.

[liz]

Good advice from PP, I would do the same and simply apologize to DS. Sorry mama, we all do/say things we regret as parents.

FWIW, I have one DS which sounds like yours. Pretty well rounded but has no interest--at all--in team sports. DH and I are still working on finding something for DS that he might enjoy (mostly because we want to keep him active), but have accepted the fact that he will never love sports like his brothers. It's tough. I have already seen one of DS friends drift away because my DS is not involved in any sports. But that's not to say he doesn't have some great friends and is well liked.

[anonomom]

Your comment aside (you've gotten good advice on that point), you might also consider talking to him about the culture where you are, the expectations it imposes and how he doesn't actually need to meet those expectations. As in, the problem isn't your son, it's the absolutely batsh*t crazy idea that boys are expected to conform to a very narrow ideal where you are. You can help him see that the world is wider than the place you live now, and that if he keeps on just being the best version of who he is, he will someday find a place where that person is celebrated, not mocked.

[Still-in-Shock]

It is so hard not to fall into the "What boys are supposed to do" trap. Even the infant clothes in the stores stress that boys should like sports, cars and earth movers. I am following this thread, but I think PP are on the right track.

[Pennylane]

((HUGS)) I think pps gave great advice on how to follow up with your son.



Just wanted to throw out the possibility that perhaps your ds may have some level of performance anxiety? Does he have any perfectionist tendencies? Have a hard time with criticism/constructive feedback? A couple of my kids have this to some degree. My oldest was a great swimmer when she was younger and DH and I sooo wanted to see her continue with the sport, but she did not like to be coached. She is also pretty competitive and can be hard on herself...likes to do well or not at all. Just thought I would put this out there as a possibility, especially since you mentioned he does have athletic abilities.

Yes, he absolutely does! He is so worried about getting hurt or not being good enough. He does karate and is very strong though. He is just not into team sports.

Ann

[Pennylane]

It is so hard not to fall into the "What boys are supposed to do" trap. Even the infant clothes in the stores stress that boys should like sports, cars and earth movers. I am following this thread, but I think PP are on the right track.

I think that is what I am most ashamed of is that I have fallen into the trap. In my mind boys should want to play sports. End of story. I am just so worried that he is going to be made fun of and not have a good group of friends because of this. I already see him being excluded, not because of anyone being intentionally mean , but because he just doesn't want to play. He does karate and likes it ok. I was hoping it would help him build confidence but that doesn't seem to be helping much.

Ann

[Momit]

Hugs. This parenting thing is tough, isn't it? You are setting a good example for DS by admitting that you made a mistake and apologizing for it. I also like the idea of discussing the expectations in your area for boys to participate in team sports and the pros and cons with going along with those expectations.

[megs4413]

I'm going to get roasted for this, but I understand....

My DS is a little younger, but we are living in vaguely the same area. It's hard to understand if you're not from here, just how intense it is here in regards to boys' sports. I have my DS in baseball (and he was asked not to rejoin a team at 6 years old! because he wasn't good enough!) every year and made the investment to put him in BASEBALL LESSONS to get him primed for the season this year. It's just insane. My DS is prone to babyish behavior (my fault, I baby him) and cries still if he gets hurt. He's also very small/underweight for his age. We are working on all of these things, not because I find him unacceptable in any way, but because it's ROUGH out there socially for a sensitive, sweet, smart kid like my DS. He needs to be a 'man.' it's just the state of things. We can lament it all we want, but at the end of the day, burying my head in the sand and saying "it shouldn't be this way!" is only going to make HIM suffer.

IMO, there are a few things you can do to help develop other sides of his personality that are enjoyable for you and him. I'm not trying to make DS be someone he's not...I'm trying to bring out of him the parts that are, at this point, a little underdeveloped. I think it's making him more well-rounded and mature.

Here are my suggestions:
1. find a sport he likes and can excel at. this is not easy, but there are so many options here. I was floored recently to discover my DS is naturally talented at GOLF of all things. He is now golfing some and will likely pursue golf more full time when baseball is done for the season. I love that it's non-contact and there are LOTS of little boys like my DS who are choosing this route as an alternative. martial arts, tennis, swimming, fencing (yes our neighbor boy fences!), or archery (our school has a team!) all come to mind. I know this doesn't sound all that helpful in dealing with team sports, but getting him confidence in something "sporty" has been helping my DS be confident in team sports, too. It's just a socially-acceptable confidence-booster.

2. Let him get hurt. I'm overprotective, first to admit it. I'm letting my DS ride down our driveway on his scooter without pads now. He is getting banged up. this is good for him. (keeping the helmet, though!) I'm having him practice with DD's (co-ed) basketball team (i'm the coach) even though the kids are much bigger and he keeps getting hurt by a ball to the face. it's not easy for me, but it's helping him "toughen up." I still hug him and put a band-aid on when necessary, but I'm encouraging him to try to "shake it off." Not in a mean way, and I would never deny him care or comfort, but I'm also not playing it up and am actively trying to incentivize a smaller reaction out of him. Like, "I bet that did hurt. You'll probably have a bruise! But if we go in now, we won't be able to come back out tonight. It's up to you." I am realizing that 9 times out of 10, he'd rather keep playing, but he's just so used to me reacting strongly to an injury that he's expecting the world to stop while he carries on for fifteen minutes over some bump he won't even remember tomorrow. I am complicit here. Maybe you aren't, but this is what I've found...

3. Encourage him to play with friends and at home in a way that will help develop the boyish side of him. I'm not saying make him put his art stuff away (for example). I'm saying introduce him to other play opportunities. I think in some ways, I limited my son by my own rearing of him. He may not have naturally been this disinclined to play team sports if I hadn't parented him the way I did, you know? So I'm buying soccer balls and footballs and bikes, etc. We have nerf stuff now and I'm letting him be a little wilder. He needs the exposure to these types of play that I hadn't been giving him.

4. Get him interested in professional sports. We have taken DS to baseball games and hockey games. There's lots of opportunity here to do it for an affordable price. There are minor league baseball, soccer, hockey, and basketball teams right in our area! Immerse him in the atmosphere...it's fun! Have him take a friend or two. We've also had a good time going to high school football games when they are in season. Our school is K-12 so that's easy for us, but you could just look up your area school's schedule online and catch a game.

5. Accept him how he is and teach him to accept himself as well. Be honest with him about your concerns, but let him know you love and support him either way. We have fabulous friends who have a son that really just does not do sports. It's tough on him. He is, however, an incredibly talented singer. They encourage this interest greatly and he has had some incredible success. Does it help him socially with other boys? No. But, it's giving him the confidence in himself to accept that. He gets enjoyment out of it and that's what matters with extra-curriculars.

[BunnyBee]

Is he an introvert and not into group activities or simply not into sports? I don't know many people who play sports as an adult, unless it's golf or tennis, and most of us are too busy for that.

If your concern is socialization and getting a team experience, what about First Lego League or finding some activity that interests him?

If your concern is physical fitness, what about swimming or cycling or running (may be on the younger side for running) or golf or tennis? Not everyone thrives in a large group environment.

Good luck talking to him.

[speo]

It is hard to always say the right thing with our kids. The relationship is so emotional and there are just so many interactions.

What about individual sports? Do you have track clubs around you? We have some brothers on our team and they are from Texas. Wherever they were from, the clubs were big there. Anyways, our club has been wonderful. It is so positive and they really focus on the child's personal records. It is very challenging and requires discipline. But it removes the pressure of doing well for the team. DS1 has 40 boys in his age group and they socialize a lot during any downtimes. Anyways, we love it.

[gatorsmom]

Awwww, being a parent is so hard. I've said some things lately to my kids that I wish I could take back.

I have a son like yours. Cha cha is whip smart and agile. He is usually the best at whatever team sport he joins. But he hates team sports. It's really frustrating for my DH especially because Gator, our eldest DS loves team sports but isn't really good at them. DH (who is from Texas) loves sports-team or otherwise so he has to watch in frustration while trying to support their choices. I'm amazed he hasn't said something yet that he regrets.

The best thing you can do is apologize with lots of hugs and love to your son and then just wholeheartedly get on his side. What does he like to do? Bike? Swim? Go hiking? Rock climbing? There isn't a lot of snow skiing in Texas but what about water skiing? My husband is from Texas and he learned to water ski on little lakes around College Station. Cha cha has recently started to love tennis but that might be because he loves his coach. Skateboarding? Running? Karate? I think it's important that kids find something to do that gets them moving and active but they don't even have to be good at it. They just have to enjoy it. But that's just my 2cents. :)


I just thought of something else. I hated sports as a kid but when I was diagnosed with asthma as an adult the allergist told me I probably had it my entire life and didn't know it. One of the symptoms could have been trying to run and couldn't keep up with the other kids. Also, not being able to kick or hit the ball as hard as everyone else. That was totally me. It might be worth looking into for your son.

[wendibird22]

I think that is what I am most ashamed of is that I have fallen into the trap. In my mind boys should want to play sports. End of story. I am just so worried that he is going to be made fun of and not have a good group of friends because of this. I already see him being excluded, not because of anyone being intentionally mean , but because he just doesn't want to play. He does karate and likes it ok. I was hoping it would help him build confidence but that doesn't seem to be helping much.

Ann

I could be way off base, and I apologize if I am, but when I read this what I hear is that this is your worry, your concern, your insecurity and not his. We as adults know what may come down the pike and want to shelter our kids from that hurt. But I'm not reading here that he's worried/concerned about this currently happening or the prospect of it happening. I think you've already gotten great advice on how to make amends for the comment. Maybe the next step is to ask him how he sees himself, what his interests are, and what he'd do/say if not being in team sports starts to impact how other boys treat/relate to him. I think his own self-authorship, self-confidence, and coping with being an outlier (if he becomes that) are more important than what he actually takes interest in. Just my 2 cents. And this coming from a mom with a 6yo DD whose an introvert and hasn't quite found her "thing" yet...so I'm in a very similar place and a work in progress.

[bisous]

I could be way off base, and I apologize if I am, but when I read this what I hear is that this is your worry, your concern, your insecurity and not his. We as adults know what may come down the pike and want to shelter our kids from that hurt. But I'm not reading here that he's worried/concerned about this currently happening or the prospect of it happening. I think you've already gotten great advice on how to make amends for the comment. Maybe the next step is to ask him how he sees himself, what his interests are, and what he'd do/say if not being in team sports starts to impact how other boys treat/relate to him. I think his own self-authorship, self-confidence, and coping with being an outlier (if he becomes that) are more important than what he actually takes interest in. Just my 2 cents. And this coming from a mom with a 6yo DD whose an introvert and hasn't quite found her "thing" yet...so I'm in a very similar place and a work in progress.

This sounds like really good advise to me.

OP, I have a DS similar to yours, I think. Here, sports are not quite as big a deal as it appears they are where you live. I do want him to do sports and be athletic because I hope that he will relate well to others but I have come to terms with the fact that he doesn't really care and I think I'm ultimately okay with this. My DH has been really negative towards DS mostly out of true concern that he will not relate well to others but he is now changing his tune. He realizes that he is acting out of fear and needs instead to come from a place where he really and truly accepts DS for who he is. He figures if nothing else than home will at least be a refuge from the negativity and environment where he can learn to be the best he (personally) can be. Does that make sense?

I just want to say I really, really relate to this. If I had done this, I think what I would try to do is come to him from an honest place. I would tell him (if this is applicable to you!) that you were acting out of concern that he would not fit in with other boys but that you want to apologize. That you want him to know that from now on, here at home he is accepted for who he is and that you'll support that. Tell him that you were always looking out for him and everything you do is because you love him so much. Tell him you realize now that what would help him the most is to try to help him figure out what kinds of skills and traits will help make him happy all his life through. I don't know if this is how you feel, but this is what *I* would do in your place.

Hugs!

[baymom]

:hug: Oh hugs, Mama! I think if we are honest, we've all been there! I know I have. Makes me feel like the smallest person in the world, to have hurt a child I love more than life itself. You've received some great advice already. I just wanted to add that it's possible that your DS may not want to rehash any of it. My DS will tell me, "It's in the past, let's just forget about it, okay?" I realized that I'm apologizing partly to make *me* feel better, but *he* is the type of kid who doesn't dwell (like I tend to!) and wants to just move on. Rehashing things makes him uncomfortable and I have learned to respect it. When *he* is ready to talk, he'll often come to me. One line that gives him pause is "I'm so sorry! Just like YOU are learning how to be a X year old, I'M learning how to be the Mom of an X year old. I'm learning, too. I made a mistake, and I'm so sorry." We both know what we are referring to, without rehashing the specifics of something he doesn't want to talk about, yet. And, I can acknowledge that I am still a work in progress.

[Pennylane]

I could be way off base, and I apologize if I am, but when I read this what I hear is that this is your worry, your concern, your insecurity and not his. We as adults know what may come down the pike and want to shelter our kids from that hurt. But I'm not reading here that he's worried/concerned about this currently happening or the prospect of it happening. I think you've already gotten great advice on how to make amends for the comment. Maybe the next step is to ask him how he sees himself, what his interests are, and what he'd do/say if not being in team sports starts to impact how other boys treat/relate to him. I think his own self-authorship, self-confidence, and coping with being an outlier (if he becomes that) are more important than what he actually takes interest in. Just my 2 cents. And this coming from a mom with a 6yo DD whose an introvert and hasn't quite found her "thing" yet...so I'm in a very similar place and a work in progress.

You are 100 % right. It is all my worries concerns, and insecurities. He is perfectly happy as he is and it is all me worrying about him fitting in and being included. Sometimes he will say he doesn't play football at school because he is scared of getting hurt . Other than that nothing.


So now, how do I stop worrying so much about this and let him just be himself??

Ann

[lil_acorn]

You are 100 % right. It is all my worries concerns, and insecurities. He is perfectly happy as he is and it is all me worrying about him fitting in and being included. Sometimes he will say he doesn't play football at school because he is scared of getting hurt . Other than that nothing.


So now, how do I stop worrying so much about this and let him just be himself??

Ann

I would be thrilled if my son didn't want to play football. Think of all the other parents having arguments with their kids because the kids want to play but the parents are afraid of injuries.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Apologize and continue to look at all of the positive traits in your son.

[wendibird22]

So now, how do I stop worrying so much about this and let him just be himself??

Ann

If someone here has a cure for moms who worry then that person is my personal hero!!

I guess I'd say live in the moment. Acknowledge his current happiness and contentment. Celebrate his accomplishments. Fully engage with him in his current interests. See his uniqueness as a glorious opportunity to make his own mark in this world instead of as a liability. Try not to give in to the inner dialogue that wants you to dwell on the "what ifs." It's a very "glass half full" perspective (and I admit to being far more glass half empty) but I believe we all have the ability to change the lens with which we view things. It just takes some extra work for some of us.

[hillview]

Your question about how to not worry is a good one. As someone who was pretty often criticized by my mother for walking like a boy, dressing like a boy, not being ladylike, not liking girl things (clothes, make up, hair stuff, etc), not being a "normal girl" it was pretty hard. I felt like my mom didn't like who I was and wanted me to be someone I wasn't (and didn't want to be). It took a long process to sort this out (therapy). NOT at all saying this is your situation just that it is good that you are thinking about it and trying to focus on how to make it work out. I think if this is a one off situation I'd not really worry about it aside from a simple apology BUT if you feel like this is a more constant feeling or vocalization of how you view your son it might help to get some guidance from a therapist about how to reframe this for you and your son :)

Ok this is REALLY not at all meant to come off as a criticism so please don't take it that way. Your comment on how do you just let him be himself just struck a chord with me :) HUGS.

[SnuggleBuggles]

There are so many different paths a kid can take, I bet, even in a sports dominated area. Academics, drama, music, student leadership....I just can't imagine that it's really all or nothing. I have let go a little bt of my "ideal" with ds1- he isn't one of the popular kids, he isn't athletically inclined, he's a bit on the geeky side :) BUT he is super happy. He has friends. That is the main thing I care about. He's not alone. He plays Dungeons and Dragons and Minecraft instead of Football and Halo but that's ok. It is who he is. For a while, I was trying to steer him towards what I wanted him to do. I wanted to have him fit in and not be more on the fringes. Over time, I realized that it is his life and much as I tried to push him one way, it just wasn't right. So, like I said, I am focused now on the fact that he has friends. For a while, I was worried about that. Very rarely do kids go through it alone. I bet your ds will find his niche, even if he hasn't already.

[american_mama]

This is kind of off topic, but for yourself, you might want to think about what your son does that is active and not get stuck in thinking of just traditional sports. I have an adult male cousin (in Texas) whose mom told me a few years ago that he was "never good at sports" despite being very good at other physical things. Depending on the age, gymnastics, tree climbing, hiking, and rock climbing were all things he was and is excellent at. As an adult in his 40's, he has a long, lean, strong body that is probably better looking and more fit than many men who played traditional sports as youth.

eta: This may be just my town, but I have heard a lot in the last 2 years about fencing. I know some awkward/fantasy oriented boys who like doing it when other sports leave them completely cold. It's popular enough that there is a fencing camp this summer, a fencing club at the middle school, plus one or two other fencing activities.

[squimp]

You know, I have this but from the opposite direction. My daughter is not girly girl at all. She doesn't like dance, dresses, sparkles, bling, jewelry. She shops in the boys department and doesn't care about fashion. Justice is like a torture chamber to her. I love fashion and dance and for a while it was a quiet little heartbreak. But lately I have just been trying to meet her where she is. I indulge her interest in astronomy and legos and I buy the glow in the dark tee from the boys side of Lands End instead of the cute top from girls Boden that I would love to see her wear but that will live in the dark shadows of her closet until she outgrows it next year. I look at her and realize she is an amazing little person, so smart, such a good friend, and it doesn't matter that she won't wear a headband or hates the bling tee. I have been trying to embrace the goofy little person that she is and lift her up from where she is, a smart, math-loving, mud-loving, frog-loving, bug-loving girl who wears jeans and tees and not try to make her into a little fashionista ballerina or whatever dream version of myself I had in my head. It has been HARD but it is the right way for me to be as a mom. Good luck to us both!

[bigsis]

:hug: ITA with this:

Oh hugs. That is hard. I'd try to find some quite one on one time (we snuggle in bed in the morning) and focus on him (I sometimes have a hard time with this, put iPhone away etc). I'd say
"DS I want to talk to you about yesterday. You are a wonderful boy, [insert how you feel/what you wrote up above], I really appreciate how hard you work and blah blah. Yesterday when I said you should stop acting like a girl I was way out of line and I bet that really hurt your feelings. I am so sorry, do you accept my apology?"

I'd also ask if he has any questions or wants to say anything and I'd listen.
We *all* do stupid mistakes. As parents we grow in acknowledging and correcting them.

[niccig]

You are 100 % right. It is all my worries concerns, and insecurities. He is perfectly happy as he is and it is all me worrying about him fitting in and being included. Sometimes he will say he doesn't play football at school because he is scared of getting hurt .


I do agree with Megs that having some skills at ball sports does help boys. I've seen it with DS. He's decent player at soccer, basketball and baseball. At school, kickball is huge during recess. It helped DS when he swapped to a new school to be able to participate. A mum I know had her DS do a class where he learned the basics of a few sports. He's not on a team sport, but it's enough to join in during school recess and lunch time. DS has some friends that don't play kickball and they are still his friends and he wants playdates with them.

BUT that doesn't mean it's the only thing boys do together. A typical playdate here for my 3rd grade boy is minecraft, rainbow loom, lego, kicking the soccer ball around at the park. DS plays on soccer, baseball and basketball teams, but the boys don't play those sports on playdates or at school. It's their own version of a game that involves kicking or throwing a ball (Kickball, circle ball etc). DH wasn't on team sports as a kid, but knew enough to join in a pick-up game in the neighborhood.

Now if your DS isn't interested in team ball sports and doesn't want to join in and he's happy, then let him do what he wants. If it's an individual sport, then he's being active and learning skills. He also has an answer for that boy that says he doesn't play sports, yes he does, he does golf/tennis/swimming/martial arts/insert any activity. My DS owes his strength and coordination to gymnastics. He's actually a better gymnast than he is at any of the team sports he does. Gymnastics has made him a better ball player.