Opinions please: relating to money and sharing of expenses

[ckso]

I'm currently a SAHM. I got laid off about 3 years ago when DD2 was born and had (is having) trouble finding a job that will give me the flexibility in hours to juggle the school/daycare schedules of drops offs and pickup. Plus it didn't make financial sense since DD1 was still in preschool and the cost of both kids in preschool/daycare would take up a good chunck of my salary.

Anyways, I worked hard beforehand and had a decent savings and DH's job takes care of most of the bills. So right now DH pays for major stuff like mortgage and utilities (and his own gas, purchases, etc) and I pay for mostly "purchases" like kids clothing, membership to zoos/museums, disney annual passes, etc. Like others here, I'm a bargain shopper so I end up paying since I'm the one the shops around. So our recent vacation to Vegas, I paid for because of an offer I got.

DH and I have separate accounts and money is not really an issue. We're not well off by any means but we don't live paycheck to paycheck either. I like having separate accounts because when we shop for each other for christmas or birthdays, I feel like I really got him something. And when it comes to "who pays", it's really a matter of convenience. (ie I pay for the car payment because the loan happens to be the same as my savings so it's easy for me to just transfer money). I usually pay for most everyday things because i handle the coupons, etc.

Soooo....it's 3 years later and I'm realizing I'm just spending too much money a month and my savings is just going down (with no incoming deposit). I'm not sure how to approach this with DH because I still have money in my account but it'll only last for another year or two. I don't want to get to the point where DH have to support me 100%. I have been too independent my whole life to feel comfortable with that. I can get a job but it still doesn't make sense to me right now and I'm not even sure if I can find one.

Anyways...opinions?? good or bad? Should I just continue? Ask DH for allowance even though I still having savings??

How is money handled in your household? For those who are working and not working??

Given my situation, what would you do?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm a SAHM but even before I was, we always had a joint account. I think so long as the accounts are in both names, I don't tie independence to having my own account. I have full access to the money... :) It isn't exciting buying him gifts b/c it is his money but otherwise, I find it convenient to all be together. I actually hate when money is all spread out. I like to see it in one spot, whenever possible.

[crayonblue]

I'm a SAHM but even before I was, we always had a joint account. I think so long as the accounts are in both names, I don't tie independence to having my own account. I have full access to the money... :) It isn't exciting buying him gifts b/c it is his money but otherwise, I find it convenient to all be together. I actually hate when money is all spread out. I like to see it in one spot, whenever possible.

I completely agree. I don't view it as DH supporting me. There is no way he could do what he does without me, so in my opinion, it's all a joint effort.

[mommylamb]

I think it's really difficult to have separate accounts when one spouse doesn't have a paycheck. I can understand why it's appealing to have that separation when you both work (though, we both work and our accounts have always been combined), but I just don't think it makes sense when you're a SAHM. You are contributing to the family through what you do, but essentially not being paid. Maybe you can work it so that he still has a small separate account for himself, and you still have your savings, but that the bulk of his money can go into a joint account, through which you pay regular bills, vacations, things for the kids, and you use your separate account for gifts. I just don't think it's at all fair any other way. An allowance seems really off putting to me, and if I were in your shoes, I would be offended by the concept. You're an adult contributing to the household, not a teenager.

Since DH and I got married, we have had all of our accounts combined. This is because he came to the U.S. on a fiance visa and we needed to show proof that we were in a legitimate relationship in order for him to get his greencard. We probably went overboard on it, but pretty much everything is joint for us (mortgage, bank accounts, credit cards, cable bill, phone bill, everything). I have always WOH, and I still feel like this is the best way for our family. I also trust DH implicitly and I feel very comfortable with the way that he spends money. We've been married for nearly 14 years now, and it has never been a problem. I think having separate accounts may work for people who both work outside the home and got married later in life (and even those people may want to combine accounts instead). For us, this is the best thing.

[Simon]

We have a joint acct and whether we are both working or not working (due to SAH or returning to school or whatever), all income goes into that account and all major expenses come out. I also have a separate acct. jointly held with one of my parents who deposits $ a few times a year for kid camps or gifts or lessons and usually I'm the only one who deals with that one because I handle all the kid stuff right now. I also use that acct or else just withdraw cash to buy Dh gifts so he won't see a specific vendor on our joint acct. We both have individual pre-marriage retirement and investment accts. but consider it family money.

I realize you have a distinction in your mind, but in your shoes, our family would interpret that as Dh has been supporting the family 100% for the past 3 years while you are managing household spending out of a separate account that contains family savings.

If you want to continue that set-up, then I'd settle on a lump sum and have Dh deposit it quarterly or annually and then you can manage its distribution. At the very least, I think you should consider how much you currently supplement his income out of that savings in monthly or annual spending and make sure he is aware that it won't be available any more in another few years.

[nfowife]

I am a SAHM and all our accounts are joint accounts. I also don't view it as DH supporting me.... he is able to do what he does to earn money because I'm taking care of our family. When I worked, my income went into the bank account as well. It seems like you are depleting your savings from your income by paying for all this stuff and I'm honestly surprised that your DH hasn't questioned where all this money is coming from. Or, do you share the amounts in your accounts so you know how much you have all together?
For gifts, my DH isn't a snooper and doesn't care but if I wanted it to be secret I could buy a gift card or take out cash and pay for his gift that way if I was concerned about ruining a surprise.

[westwoodmom04]

We've always had a joint savings account since getting married, through periods when I earned more, he earned more and when he is the only one working. I handle all the finances. It just seems easier to keep track of money and bills via a joint account. Given that your savings is going to run out soon and you don't have plans to go back to work, a joint account seems like the best solution unless you want to have him make bulk transfers to supplement your existing savings account.

[BunnyBee]

Where does your DH think all the money is coming from without being replenished? Seems odd he hasn't brought that up. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable discussing money with your life partner either. It might be worth going to a therapist who specializes in financial issues if neither of you feels comfortable discussing these things on your own.

I'm mostly a SAHM at the moment, but we co-own a law firm. We've had joint accounts since we got married in law school back in the dark ages. Our home and cars are in both our names. I have credit cards in my name and keep my credit score high. If I want to buy a present, I put it on "my" card (though I think he's an authorized user on it, as I am on "his" card), and we remind each other not to check that credit card bill starting in November or so. (And then remember to pay it off, which I am bad about bc it rarely gets used. Oops.) We contribute equally (or not at all, in lean years) to retirement accounts, though he has more life insurance than I do. The only savings accounts that only have one name are the kids' savings accounts, which at the time of setup only allowed one guardian (me).

Good luck figuring everything out!

[minnie-zb]

Joint. We've always done joint, when we worked, when I was laid-off, now that I'm working again.

I'm going to play the devils advocate here, you say you don't live paycheck-to-paycheck, but I'm not sure how you can say this. You are supplementing your income with a large chunk of your savings on a monthly basis. My suggestion would be to sit down and review all of the monthly expenses and figure out a monthly budget which is solely dependent on the paycheck. The current budgeting model is not going to work (as you are noticing). It doesn't make sense for you to be putting money from your savings in the monthly spend on a regular basis. Are you sure your husband is aware you are doing this? Even he must realize this is not a long term solution?

ETA: In my humble opinion, I think the current path you are on is going to lead to resentment on your part. When your savings run out you are going to resent putting all of that money in the monthly budget.

[gatorsmom]

I completely agree. I don't view it as DH supporting me. There is no way he could do what he does without me, so in my opinion, it's all a joint effort.

:yeahthat: All of our accounts, homes and mortgages are in both our names. We have life insurance one me as well as DH because he admits if something happened to me he'd be screwed and vice versa. When I received an inheritance from my dad, I put it in our joint account. When he sold the rental properties that he owned before we were married, it all went into our joint account and then into other ventures that we both signed for.

Im a SAHM now but I was very independent before I met DH. I quit my job when we moved for his job and then got pregnant with our first child and so didn't bother looking for a new job. I admit it was strange not to have my own account and I felt very dependent and vulnerable at first but it works so much better this way. We just make sure that both our names are listed on everything and discuss any big purchases.

Imo, the account you are spending your money from is not just your account since you are married. It's his too. And his accounts are yours. Someone correct me if I'm wrong but if it ever came down to a divorce, you could claim part of the money from his accounts and vice versa so why keep them separate? Seems like so much more work. Jmho. Best of luck to you.

[sarahsthreads]

I am a SAHM and all our accounts are joint accounts. I also don't view it as DH supporting me.... he is able to do what he does to earn money because I'm taking care of our family. When I worked, my income went into the bank account as well. It seems like you are depleting your savings from your income by paying for all this stuff and I'm honestly surprised that your DH hasn't questioned where all this money is coming from. Or, do you share the amounts in your accounts so you know how much you have all together?
For gifts, my DH isn't a snooper and doesn't care but if I wanted it to be secret I could buy a gift card or take out cash and pay for his gift that way if I was concerned about ruining a surprise.

Yes this. We had a joint account from day 1 and a few years later when we made the decision that I would stop working when we had children it was with the understanding that I still have a job (caring for the children and taking care of a larger portion of household chores - though this varies with the ages and needs of the children as well, since that's my primary job) it just doesn't come with a separate paycheck. So it's not "his" money vs. "my" money, it's the paycheck he can earn for our family since I'm forgoing a salary to care for our kids.

When it comes to gifts, neither one of us looks at the details on the credit card statement for December until after Christmas. :)

That said, if you're more comfortable having separate accounts, the only way I can see for that to continue to work is for your DH to deposit money in your account on a regular basis. I guess if I were you I'd sit down with him after the kids are in bed and talk finances. Think about long-term (are you going to go back to work full-time eventually?) and what your goals as a couple/family are and whether it makes sense for now to maybe keep your savings where it is but work off a joint account until you go back to work (so your savings account could be an emergency fund or a "fun" fund?) or something else.

Good luck!
Sarah :)

[wendibird22]

We both WOH so our situation isn't exactly like yours. However, there is a $10K salary difference between us. Our approach is to consider it all equally. DH and my paycheck both get deposited to a joint account. ALL bills are paid from here...mortgage, car, gas, utilities, food, trips, kids' stuff. Additionally, an equal allowance is put into a checking account for both DH and I. This is our money to use at our own discretion. We buy each other's gifts from here and also things like hair cut, clothing, girls'/guys' night, etc. If I want to drop $30 to get my eyebrows waxed I can. If DH wants to buy himself a bike, he can. No need to ask for permission or feel guilty.

I would think you could set up the same thing with both you and DH getting an allowance from DHs salary. If/when you go back to work then you keep doing this but can up the amount of the allowance you both get if you wish.

Honestly, DH and I never fight about money and I credit this system for that.

[BDKmom]

I'm going to play the devils advocate here, you say you don't live paycheck-to-paycheck, but I'm not sure how you can say this. You are supplementing your income with a large chunk of your savings on a monthly basis. My suggestion would be to sit down and review all of the monthly expenses and figure out a monthly budget which is solely dependent on the paycheck. The current budgeting model is not going to work (as you are noticing). It doesn't make sense for you to be putting money from your savings in the monthly spend on a regular basis. Are you sure your husband is aware you are doing this? Even he must realize this is not a long term solution?

I think this is a very good point, and something that really needs to be addressed going forward. I get that it helps you feel like you are still contributing to the household expenses, but it's skewing things as to your current financial situation and the long-term outlook for your family, especially if you feel you would have trouble finding a job in the future. What happens when that money runs out and you don't have a job? You and your DH may need to think about adjusting your spending habits now to get ready for that. Of course, there may be details you haven't included, like if you have other savings, etc, but if this is the only money your family lives off of, you need to make sure your DH understands the status and has an idea of how long this system can continue.

Like most of the PPs, my DH and I have always had a joint account. We see it as family money, not his and mine. Right now, I work part-time, and almost all of my paycheck goes to my 401K, to take advantage of our maximum allowed contribution. So, almost all of the money we spend on a monthly basis is "his," but, when we retire, we will both reap the benefit of my contributions.

If you like the idea of your own account, I like what wendibird22 suggests...one main account for the family, and smaller separate accounts for you and your DH.

[specialp]

We have our own accounts we use, but all are joint and linked together @ the same bank. $ is direct deposited into money market, I manage so I move money twice a month - into his account (which is really a small amount b/c he charges 99% and we pay off at the end of he month) and into mine. We pay bills from mine just because I'm the one who does it. We've been through me being the only one working while he was in school, he being the only one working while I was sham, and both of us working and we have always done it the same way.

[Chitowngirl]

I am a WOH mom, and pretty much all our accounts are separate. I think it's more a function of the fact that we were old when we got married and we were too lazy to change things. I'm just very used to balancing my own checkbook (or not balancing it as my husband would say) and taking care of things in my own way. For example, my husband likes to get paper bills and look at every bill before paying it. That would make me nuts. I pay whatever I can (like the cable bill) on autopay with my credit card and NEVER look at the actual bill.We handle things very much the same way you do - certain bills come to me and certain come to him. That being said, purchases since then like our house have been joint. Were I a SAH mom, I don't think this system would work for me. He works outside the home but you work inside it. If you don't feel comfortable combining everything perhaps you should both get separate savings accounts put aside with the same amount of money then put everything else in a general pot for household expenses...

[vonfirmath]

I think it's really difficult to have separate accounts when one spouse doesn't have a paycheck.

Not only that, but when some of the bills are coming out of part of the family savings, effectively, the family may not really be aware of how much they are spending vis-a-vis how much they are taking in!

[mmsmom]

OP, I was in a similar situation. DH & I met in our late 30's & had both been married before but no kids. We lived together for a while before marriage and shared expenses but we each paid from our individual accounts. This system continued through marriage & first DC until I lost my job. DH then took over paying all expenses but I was still able to cover my individual expenses (hair cuts, clothes, cell phone bill, etc) from my unemployment & from some savings. When that ran out & I decided not to go back to work bc DC 2 was coming we opened a joint account that DH puts money in weekly. I admit it took a long time (and I do still struggle with it) to get used to not having my own money. I understand the concept that we both contribute equally to our household and any income is ours but it is still hard. DH is great and never questions my spending or makes me feel like I am being supported but it still was a tough transition. I would advise thinking about what kind of system you want & go from there. There is no right or wrong way, you have to do what works for your family.

[daisysmom]

I am a WOH mom, and pretty much all our accounts are separate. I think it's more a function of the fact that we were old when we got married and we were too lazy to change things..

This is me too. I see that I am in the minority on this board, but IRL when we were getting married, almost all of my friends did not close down their own accounts and I just followed along. I don't think I did it as a statement or b/c i was worried or my money versus our money, but with so many separate accounts (checking, savings, brokerage, 401Ks, etc.) we just all kept them separately. My husband makes a lot more money than I do, so every few months it seems like (or sooner, or later, depending on when I get low in my checking account), I ask him to write me a check. I pay all of the bills from my checking account. He does all of the brokerate investing/decision making.

When I went part-time and took a huge paycut, that was about the time he got promoted and started making a lot more money. So we aren't equal at all. But I have never stressed about "my money" versus our money, etc.

[janine]

First of all I can relate - although I am still WOHM, I plan on SAHM in a year, and our plan would be like yours - DH would take care of big expenses and I'd still cover my small ones (my phone, personal cc) out of my savings. We discussed if he could manage the burden (I am WOHM for a reason!We currently split all bills) and he said yes assuming I can cover my small pieces in the interim as he had not covered that in the budget forecast. We do have a joint acct/card but that is purely the joint stuff (mortgage, utilities, groceries). I like having my own account, my own funds. I have no problem becoming a SAHM in the future, it's what I want for the family but I do think losing my independence like you are feeling now ($ going down and nothing coming in) would be struggle. I guess I figure in my case I will go back and find something part-time at that point (not full on career situation like I have now). Maybe that is something you can look into.

And secondly I agree with a PP that there is no right or wrong way. If you want some separation to feel some control that is totally understandable. I get what you're saying about him supporting you, yes it's family and marriage but he IS supporting you and that can be a tough transition for some who are used to being independent for so long and that doesn't mean that the marriage is less unified - just one approach over another and in some ways that is a healthy perspective actually IMO (separation of some accounts). I could never live with the thought that I was getting "allowances" or feeling uncomfortable broaching the subject. I say have an upfront discussion with your DH, say your funds are depeleting after 3yrs and you both need to rethink the breakdown. This shouldn't be news to him, in fact 3 yrs is a LONG time to have lasted on savings and most likely he has no idea what or how much you are covering. Time to fill him in. See what he says, if things are tight you may need to rebudget and reign in a few of what were "your" purchases or consider part-time which could actually solve several of the issues.

Good luck :).

[Giantbear]

A family is a family, we have joint accounts and have from the start. When my wife stayed home the year after dd was born, it was still our money, we both had jobs, hers just didn't come with a check. I couldn't do mine without her doing hers. we discuss big purchases and try and keep the personal items in budget, but her budget is larger as i don't care about certain things and she does. (such as hair, nails and fashion) . You shouldn't look at it as asking for money or not your money as your job staying at home allows him to do his job.

[khm]

We used to have two accounts. It just worked out that way, I guess. We lived together first, moved across the country and it seemed a hassle to close one, etc. We both had access to the other account though. We set it up so that one account paid certain bills and the other account paid other bills. If one account got low or too high, we'd just transfer $ online from one to the other. We got married and kept this system. Both names went on both accounts, but one was fed by my paycheck and one by his. When I went part-time, we just shifted a few of the bills to "his" account.

Eventually, we went to one account, but honestly, I kind of miss having two. The one was really just the main, consistent bills (mortgage, etc) so it was always same amount in and same amount out. I liked having that separation, knowing that that account just kind of handled itself via auto deposits and auto payments, and all the remaining flexible stuff was in its own place. Just seemed easier to "see" where we stood.

In the OP's case, I agree with the others that are saying it is kind blurring the lines between savings and income to have so much of your bills to be coming out of the "savings" account. Does he really know what's in there / how much is going out of it? Has it occurred to him that money in that account is only going out, and will be depleted at some point? I'm just wondering if he's really taken that into account or if he's just "keeping on keeping on" and it'll be sort of a rude awakening when "his" account becomes responsible for more and more of the bills.

[Mommy_Mea]

We have had a joint account since we got engaged. I work part-time and DH works full time and our paychecks go directly into our own accounts. Then we transfer all but a set amount ("allowance") into our joint account. All joint expenses come out of that joint account, and all savings come out of there (emergency fund, 529, etc). If we make a personal purchase, it comes out of our own accounts.

From what you wrote, it sounds like you may actually be spending more than what your DH brings in? If you are depleting your savings to pay day to day expenses (kids clothes, etc) and vacations, and your DH's paycheck isn't going into savings somewhere, aren't you spending more than you are currently bringing in?

I hear you as far as struggling with not having your own income stream, even if it is coming from savings. It is one of the reasons I haven't become a SAHM, it would be so hard for me to make the transition to all the income coming from DH... Even though I know he fully supports any decision I make and I know it would make our lives so much easier with school schedules!

[sste]

Hmmm, for a first marriage no other dependents from prior marriages, I tend to think things work best when both partners are knowledgable about and actively involved in managing finances and when income is psychologically understood as "joint" -- regardless of what account it is in.

We both WOH and for years DH has kept himself ridiculously in the dark about our finances. I mean to the extent that I left detailed paper trails and estate plans with our accountant, our attorney, AND a longtime friend because I feared that if I died unexpectedly DH wouldn't be able to find or work most of our accounts! We have joint accounts but only I could access them because he never seemed able to remember the passwords! Basically he had his atm card and his credit card (or more accurately being an authorized user on my credit card). Anyway, one of the changes DH made this year with my strong encouragement was to develop a healthier approach to his finances. He met with a free retirement planner through his work and the fascinating thing was that DH felt wonderfully about it, he was really so happy and even used the term "empowering." All the financial info was being filtered through me and I am very conservative financially and I think DH was worried he could never retire or at the least had no idea when. Since this "breakthrough" DH has taken a much more active role in our finances, actively asked about passwords and checked accounts, and for my part I have felt less stressed having someone I can talk through major decisions with. You both need to have access to money, be part of a financial and marital team, and feel as giantbear mentioned that both of you are working and money is a shared resource.

I think sometimes couples prefer two accounts because there is less worry about overdrafting/balancing. However, this can be resolved by having a checking account linked to a high interest savings account that will automatically and for free take from your savings account if you overdraft. Online banks and credit unions def. have this, not sure about more traditional banks, I think they are more likely to charge a fee.

[lyt202]

We have had a joint account since we got engaged but have also always maintained separate accounts. We each make a set contribution each month to the joint account, enough to cover expenses and have a large cushion in a case of unexpected expenses. The amount of the contribution may differ depending on what we are earning. When we started we were making the same amount so our contributions were the same. When I left for a government job, my contribution was much less than DH since he was making more at the law firm. We use a joint credit card for household expenses and that card, along with the household bills and mortgage, are all paid out of the joint account. Our personal credit cards and accounts are managed independently.

[janine]

A family is a family, we have joint accounts and have from the start. When my wife stayed home the year after dd was born, it was still our money, we both had jobs, hers just didn't come with a check. I couldn't do mine without her doing hers. we discuss big purchases and try and keep the personal items in budget, but her budget is larger as i don't care about certain things and she does. (such as hair, nails and fashion) . You shouldn't look at it as asking for money or not your money as your job staying at home allows him to do his job.

See I don't think a family has to equal having joint everything. Great if it works for some, but for others they like to have a separate account for separate things. I personally think it is a good idea for women to have a separate something, either carried over from working days or for personal expenses - whatever it is, as well as both parties having complete knowledge of what is in joint accounts, althoug reality is this doesn't always happen so it's a good idea to have one own's cushion.

In OP's case, I think the status quo as if both were working continued too long and obviously she is not making income so now feels the balance shift and that is a very REAL thing that is not about just seeing kids as a valid job equivalent but also about a shift in one's identity, that is harder for some than others. I think OP's case there is some discomfort with broaching the discussion and well that needs to be knocked out - she spent 3yrs of savings towards family leisure and various things, and that is a big contribution and sacrifice as well IMO. Discussion should also try to resolve or allieve the OP's possible need for balance (sorry if I'm assuming too much here.

[wellyes]

Joint account. I am a stay at home mom. I would not be comfortable otherwise, with the idea of him having "his" money and me having "mine", since we have such an enormous income disparity. Money is money. You can put it in different accounts or folders or envelopes or mental categories to help you organize it, but really, a dollar spent on a mortgage is not different than a dollar spent on a lifelong dream vacation. or a dollar spent getting pancakes at a diner. I think pulling from one pot makes that more easy to remember.

[rin]

We each have one credit card that is only in our own names, but everything else (all savings, all mortgages, all car titles, all house deeds, etc) is all in both our names.

For the first two years after our DD1 was born I was a SAHM, and I currently work part-time and DH works full-time. All our money goes to the same account, and then all expenses/savings/etc are shuttled from that pooled account. When I switch to working full-time again it'll be the same.

I'd just sit down and have a serious financial conversation with your DH about the financial feasibility of you continuing to be a SAHM, and what the logistical considerations need to be, whether your family can afford it much longer, whether you want to, etc. It's honestly very strange to me to think of a SAHP as being "supported" by the working parent; presumably that's a joint decision made for the good of the whole family, and the SAHP isn't exactly spending their days lounging by the pool and eating bon bons!

[Zukini]

I have SAH for the past almost 2 years due to first, fertility issues, then his long and irregular travel and then we moved and got pregnant viably. We have multiple bank checking and savings accounts, both joint - each have debit cards and checks with both names on them. Credit card is in both names. The bank accounts are not his and hers, but instead big / regular bills and daily spending. So a set amount is transferred over every pay period to the daily spending and I basically work out of that account for groceries, target, costco, gas in my car, monthly hair/nails/wax and some extra for books/clothing/shopping/ lunch out etc. If I need to make a bigger purchase for the home - decor, hardware store or for either of us in general, there is no issue with me using the other account. He doesn't spend much honestly - gas for work, lunches are debited by his employer from the paycheck, and clothes / shoes for him occasionally and we are together for his purchase anyways.

With the much awaited baby on the way, we had put aside a separate savings for the big baby gear-up (aka everything mama ever wanted lol) but once little one is here, baby's recurring and expected expenses will need to be rolled into the regular household budget. The remainder of those baby fund savings will rejoin the general household savings pot.

We've communicated a lot to be able to get to the point where we see it all as family money (also got married in 30's after being established professionally). Also we are both enamored with mint.com to manage our budget and track and categorize all transactions. Big picture, I would be concerned about drawing down any savings on regular basis to make up a gap in household expenses. DH and I do a sort of household budget review meeting every 2-3 months (very casual on the back patio with wine / lemonade and mint.com and notepad and calculator kind of thing) where we look at spending and try to anticipate any personal or household wish lists and non recurring but imminent spending (new tires, spring shrubs and trees, end of year vacation, holiday spending budgets, etc) That way we both know where we stand and what's coming up. It helps to keeps the finance discussion very emotion free as there are fewer surprises and miscommunications about priorities and timing of spending.

[ckso]

OP here. Thank you everyone for your opinions and to reassure that a SAHM mom is a job and a family is a unity and it's assuring that the vast majority have joint accounts.

Like pp said, we got married late. I was 30 and he 40, neither one of us had kids. We both worked and got paid pretty much the same. We were always very upfront with money but I'm a better saver than DH was so I paid more into the wedding cost. After marriage he paid for the rent and split the other bills very casually. When we bought a house shortly after, we did get a joint account and everything shared (mortgage, utilities, things paid for by check or online) was paid out of the joint account and we would periodically deposit the same amount of amount into the account. All other things that gets charged onto a credit card was paid separately from our own account.

When I lost my job I simply stopped depositing into the joint account. Everything else stayed the same. I got unemployment for 18 mo so that took care of most of the "other" expenses. But as a SAHM, I'm realizing that I end up spending more because I'm the one that's signing up and paying for the girls' extracurricular classes, I'm getting the groceries, shopping for clothes, etc. Whereas before we used to do it together on weekends and we just take turns paying. It's not really formalized, just convenience of who ends of paying what.

I guess I'm feeling it now more because I no longer have an unemployment check and I just got my last credit card bill and i'm like "wow". It's little stuff that adds up. DH is aware of how much money I have so there's no secret there. That's probably why he hasn't questioned it because i still have money but just worried about a year or 2 from now.

We're not living paycheck to paycheck because we wouldn't be losing our house if let's say DH didn't get pay this month or we have unexpected expenses like car issues, etc. And I don't think we're spending more than Dh makes because he is "saving" in his account although I don't know how much. But I don't know. I've always been independence and take a lot of pride in being able to support myself. I got a job in High school so I didn't have to ask my parents for money and have been self supporting ever since. DH and I are close and have a strong marriage so it's not about him but I just feel like something is lacking when I'm not bringing money in.

I have looked into part time and financially just doesn't make sense. Aside from it being hard to find something that "fits" into the school schedules or finding an employer that would be flexible with the hours, it would cost me more in preschool cost to send DD2. And even though DD1 is in TK and that's free, it's only half day so I would have to pay $300/mo in order to pick her up at 2:30. when I calculated the cost, it'll probably cost us more to take part time job than it is to stay home. And logistically, I'm the home that have to do the pickup/dropoffs because of DH's job.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I do get it. I've gone through periods were I feel financially guilty for being a SAHM. I think you might just be in a temporary funk in that regard. But, I think you are thinking too deeply about the meaning of money. It's just a necessary evil to keep things going. It really doesn't need to be anything more than a means to pay for stuff. If you were dating then I'd understand one of you picking up the tab for some stuff and being deliberate that it's your money doing the work. But, you're a family. I just don't see the tit for tat type thing making sense, especially when you do just have one income. I hope you get things sorted out in a way you both like though. :)

[ckso]

See I don't think a family has to equal having joint everything. Great if it works for some, but for others they like to have a separate account for separate things. I personally think it is a good idea for women to have a separate something, either carried over from working days or for personal expenses - whatever it is, as well as both parties having complete knowledge of what is in joint accounts, althoug reality is this doesn't always happen so it's a good idea to have one own's cushion.

In OP's case, I think the status quo as if both were working continued too long and obviously she is not making income so now feels the balance shift and that is a very REAL thing that is not about just seeing kids as a valid job equivalent but also about a shift in one's identity, that is harder for some than others. I think OP's case there is some discomfort with broaching the discussion and well that needs to be knocked out - she spent 3yrs of savings towards family leisure and various things, and that is a big contribution and sacrifice as well IMO. Discussion should also try to resolve or allieve the OP's possible need for balance (sorry if I'm assuming too much here.

Thanks for stating this. Because I think that's what my problem is. Being a SAHM is a hard job and certainly is a very valid job. But being the mom, I obviously don't expect to be paid to watch my own kids which is maybe why I'm having trouble with feeling like I'm not contributing financially. And logically I understand that Dh wouldn't be able to work and bring home the money if I didn't take this role. And we are a family, we share everything and money whoever pays for it is not that big of a deal and it's not that I don't trust him or think that it's still somehow "my money" because I know it's not.

But I don't know how to explain. Somehow "asking" Dh to contribute more financially is just making me feel really sad about myself. And I know it's all "me" because like I said, DH is very supportive.

[westwoodmom04]

Thanks for stating this. Because I think that's what my problem is. Being a SAHM is a hard job and certainly is a very valid job. But being the mom, I obviously don't expect to be paid to watch my own kids which is maybe why I'm having trouble with feeling like I'm not contributing financially. And logically I understand that Dh wouldn't be able to work and bring home the money if I didn't take this role. And we are a family, we share everything and money whoever pays for it is not that big of a deal and it's not that I don't trust him or think that it's still somehow "my money" because I know it's not.

But I don't know how to explain. Somehow "asking" Dh to contribute more financially is just making me feel really sad about myself. And I know it's all "me" because like I said, DH is very supportive.

I think you might feel a more a part of things if you knew how much was in dh's account and vice versa. I think I would be sad too, as a SAHM, if "my" money was running out. But you might feel better if you knew how much was in the "us" account, so to speak. It also sounds like deep down you would like to return to work eventually. Thinking about how and when to make that a reality also might help.

[jgenie]

I completely agree. I don't view it as DH supporting me. There is no way he could do what he does without me, so in my opinion, it's all a joint effort.

:yeahthat: and I handle the finances in our house so I don't have to ask DH for money. We both have access to all the accounts and can get to,it when we need.

[MSWR0319]

I am a SAHM also, but we have joint accounts. The only thing in our own names are our 401Ks, with each other being the beneficiary. There is no way DH would be able to work the hours he does or travel as much as he does if I didn't quit my job. I don't see it as his money at all. So try not to beat yourself up for not bringing in money. I have a friend who got married later in life and they kept their own accounts. She is a SAHM and her DH would deposit money into her account with each paycheck to help cover the costs for their kids, such as activities, clothes,etc. She said she hated it because she felt like he was her dad giving her an allowance. She talked about combining accounts but never did I don't think. She ended going back to work PT to have her "own" money.

[squimp]

I can see where you are coming from, but it sounds like you need to have a discussion about this. To me it sounds like you are paying for a lot of the family expenses like food, and kid activities and clothes, correct? In some ways kids get more expensive as they get older, right, their shoes get bigger and their activities are more expensive. Sounds like time for a little course correction? I think I would look at the expenses and have a discussion about making some changes that you and DH are both comfortable with.

[wellyes]

So you live off his income and spend your savings, and there is only maybe 2 years until that is depleted. My question would be, when your savings is gone, is his income enough to support your lifestyle ?

In our situation, we had some savings we went through when I lost my job. That plus DH's salary covered us and we had some left over for the IRAs and 529s. When the savings were gone, the income basically all gets spent. We can afford for me to be home, but not for me to be home AND invest at the level we'd like. So that is the trade off we're experiencing. And I'm wondering if it would be the same for you, or if you'd have to cut spending dramatically once your savings are gone.

[123LuckyMom]

I think you and your DH need to sit down and create a real family budget that pays for everything except for the very occasional special treat out of his pay check. Since you don't know whether he's been saving as much as you've been spending, you may have unintentionally been supplementing his income, and you may, in fact, have become used to living above your means. It's important that you address this first and foremost.

I am a SAHM, and I do earn an income, but it's a small fraction of what DH earns. I pay for groceries, most take out food, kid activities, most kid gifts for our kids and others, little bills like Amazon prime, Netflix, Hulu+, our home insurance, and whatever else I charge on my credit card. Sometimes, I contribute to vacations. I do often go over the budget of my paycheck, and sometimes I'll pull from my savings, but usually DH makes up the difference. We do it this way because it works for us, but if we were on a tighter budget because DH was saving less, and if I did not have an income, I would determine with DH which expenses exactly were those for which I should be responsible, and how much I should receive for a monthly budget, and I would set up an automatic transfer from our joint account to my checking. Although it would still be from DH's paycheck, I would still be managing that money as I chose.

Really, no SAHM should feel bad about partaking of the family income. If you weren't there, and your work (literally just your work, forget about putting some kind of number on your love, support, nurture, and willingness not to kill your truculent family members when they make you crazy) had to be taken up by others who would need to receive payment, believe me, your DH would be paying out hugely more money than he's sharing with you each month!!! You two have a partnership. Your work makes his work possible. If your partnership were an actual business arrangement, you would be sharing your partnership's profits accordingly, wouldn't you? Your husband is not supporting you. You are supporting each other and sharing the family income that both of your work makes possible.

[minnie-zb]

I think you and your DH need to sit down and create a real family budget that pays for everything except for the very occasional special treat out of his pay check. Since you don't know whether he's been saving as much as you've been spending, you may have unintentionally been supplementing his income, and you may, in fact, have become used to living above your means. It's important that you address this first and foremost.

I am a SAHM, and I do earn an income, but it's a small fraction of what DH earns. I pay for groceries, most take out food, kid activities, most kid gifts for our kids and others, little bills like Amazon prime, Netflix, Hulu+, our home insurance, and whatever else I charge on my credit card. Sometimes, I contribute to vacations. I do often go over the budget of my paycheck, and sometimes I'll pull from my savings, but usually DH makes up the difference. We do it this way because it works for us, but if we were on a tighter budget because DH was saving less, and if I did not have an income, I would determine with DH which expenses exactly were those for which I should be responsible, and how much I should receive for a monthly budget, and I would set up an automatic transfer from our joint account to my checking. Although it would still be from DH's paycheck, I would still be managing that money as I chose.

Really, no SAHM should feel bad about partaking of the family income. If you weren't there, and your work (literally just your work, forget about putting some kind of number on your love, support, nurture, and willingness not to kill your truculent family members when they make you crazy) had to be taken up by others who would need to receive payment, believe me, your DH would be paying out hugely more money than he's sharing with you each month!!! You two have a partnership. Your work makes his work possible. If your partnership were an actual business arrangement, you would be sharing your partnership's profits accordingly, wouldn't you? Your husband is not supporting you. You are supporting each other and sharing the family income that both of your work makes possible.

This is well said. I bolded the one part as I wonder if some of your worry/guilt is that you are feeling out of control since you really don't know what is going on financially. I know when I stop paying attention to the finances then I start to have anxiety, but as soon as I dive in and take a look at everything, I'm good. The two of you really need to sit down and look at all of the money going out vs what is coming in.

[JenChem]

But I don't know how to explain. Somehow "asking" Dh to contribute more financially is just making me feel really sad about myself. And I know it's all "me" because like I said, DH is very supportive.

I think you need to reframe the situation. Instead of 'asking him to contribute more' the conversation needs to be more focussed about how 'we' as a family are spending. I think it's responsible for a family to balance monthly income with monthly spending. So maybe make one central joint account and detail what is going to come out of it. Discuss children's activities and agree what 'we' as a family are going to spend. Then you can both keep your individual accounts if it makes you feel better. FWIW DH and I have 1 joint checking account, individual retirement accounts (though mine is inactive ATM because I am SAHM while looking for work), and we both have life insurance policies. We believe clarifying finances makes our marriage strong and we've never fought over money. When we were setting up our budget this article helped us be thorough: http://www.mybudget360.com/family-budget-how-to-go-broke-on-100000-a-year-why-the-middle-class-has-a-hard-time-living-in-expensive-urban-areas/

[Indianamom2]

I completely agree. I don't view it as DH supporting me. There is no way he could do what he does without me, so in my opinion, it's all a joint effort.

Same here.