What are your thoughts on....

[DietCokeLover]

Receiving a wedding invitation in which the couple requests no gifts unless it is a "card of encouragement" or money to help with "home expenses or the honeymoon."?

[AngB]

Tacky.

I would go the 'no gifts' route.

[ett]

Tacky.

I would go the 'no gifts' route.

:yeahthat:

[ArizonaGirl]

Tacky.

I would go the 'no gifts' route.

A big ole :yeahthat:

[ahisma]

You know, until recently I would have been put off but it. We're decluttering now and there are so many gifts that I know were bought with best intentions, but are just clutter now that I'm sentimentally attached to. I can see not wanting to get a ton of "stuff" to deal with...but then that leaves people wanting to gift.

I feel for the couple, it's a conundrum. I'm guessing their parents said that a "no gifts" wedding wasn't okay and they felt stuck.

[BunnyBee]

I would spring for a "card of encouragement." If I were planning to write them a check, I probably still would, but I'd be cracking up at the cheesy wording.

[mikala]

I think it would give Miss Manners a coronary.

One of my relatives with a small living space handled it by keeping a small registry and letting the chips fall where they may. She still got an overabundance of well meaning but not her style dust catchers but found that a lot of people took the hint that they simply didn't need much and sent cash or just well wishes.

[sweetsue98]

Tacky and blunt but truthful.

[JustMe]

I know I would be in the minority here, but I like it! I would be happy to give a card of encouragement. My only issue would be that I would most likely like to give some money as they requested, but do feel weird with people knowing how much I give...OTOH, with registering for items I guess they know what I spend anyway! In short, I like it a lot better than going out to buy something they have already picked from their registry.

[MMMommy]

The card of encouragement seems like an okay request to me. Money to help with expenses or the honeymoon, not okay.

[specialp]

Tacky and blunt but truthful.

That sums it up for me. I’m always turned off by telling people which gifts are acceptable for you to receive. On the other hand, it feels like people should know to give $ if they are so inclined to give a gift and they are not aware of a registry, but people have “go to” wedding presents they give regardless of the recipients or their circumstances.

[bigsis]

We're decluttering now and there are so many gifts that I know were bought with best intentions, but are just clutter now that I'm sentimentally attached to. I can see not wanting to get a ton of "stuff" to deal with...but then that leaves people wanting to gift.

I feel for the couple, it's a conundrum. I'm guessing their parents said that a "no gifts" wedding wasn't okay and they felt stuck.
ITA with this. I would give cash as a gift; which I mostly do for family anyway.

[elektra]

I just give the money or pick the honeymoon activity the money supposedly goes to. Just today I did $90 towards a honeymoon massage via honeyfund.
Seems more the norm these days. Maybe it's because my friends marrying at this point are usually older and more established. ex. The honeyfund money was for my friend's second wedding/marriage. She probably has blenders and such from the first time around! She did register for some stuff and I got her towels for her shower.
For the next wedding I am attending, the bride and groom didn't even register anywhere. They did not mention any "cards of encouragement" or even cash on the invite though. I do know they want cash, however.
I don't mind it.

[TwinFoxes]

I tend to be a bit of a traditionalist when it comes weddings, but this doesn't bug me so much. I'm assuming "cards of encouragement" just means well wishes. I think that's sweet. And for the people who just HAVE to I've a gift, please get them a gift card. I personally would have left off the gift card part, and just had friends spread it word of mouth to the people who insisted on buying something. Agree with PP, they probably wanted a no-gift wedding and they got pushback.


I just give the money or pick the honeymoon activity the money supposedly goes to. Just today I did $90 towards a honeymoon massage via honeyfund.


I like this idea, and the name is great! Again, I'd let word get out, rather than out it on an invite. But as a guest, I'd love this gift option.

[DietCokeLover]

Interesting perspectives!

In this case, I know that there is not pushback from at least the bride's family for there to be some kind of gift. Can't speak for the groom, because I don't know him.

I have to say I find it extremely awkward. I am a bargain shopper, so I may be able to find a very nice gift for $, whereas it feels cheap to send actual $ vs $$$. My husband has not worked since October and I only work two days per week. I can't afford to send $$$ and would be embarrassed to send what my budget would allow right now. I could probably disguise that some with a nice gift, but not cash.

Anyway, I knew there would be mixed opinions and wanted to hear the different takes on this.

[egoldber]

The send a card of encouragement. :) They asked for no gifts, and when people say that, they generally really mean it.

And weddings are perfect for this IMO because many people send a gift separately from the ceremony anyway.

Personally, I wish it was socially acceptable to say what you really need and/or want. It's just so much easier.

[ang79]

An invitation to a college friend's wedding suggested that instead of gifts (they had both had their own apartments for several years and didn't need/want household appliances, linens, etc.) you do a donation to a charity that the couple liked, which I thought was a nice idea. For my cousin's recent wedding, I knew they wanted money for the honeymoon, or a gift card for every day necessities, so I did a Target GC. I don't think she specified this on the invite (though I can't really remember and they did their invites/thank-yous via email as a more environmentally friendly communication). It seems to be more popular for people to ask not want/need all the normal wedding gifts if they are older and have been living independently for awhile and already have a lot of stuff.

[specialp]

Yes, just send a card then and do not worry about the $.

[carolinacool]

I can't afford to send $$$ and would be embarrassed to send what my budget would allow right now. I could probably disguise that some with a nice gift, but not cash.

This is totally me, too. While I understand and totally get wanting to get cash, I always feel like if I'm giving cash, I need to give a certain amount to not look cheap, and I often can't afford that. It's easier to give a gift that can seem more impressive moneywise.

A friend of mine got married the second time a couple of years ago (her second, his first). They had a honeymoon registry, but I don't think they got a thing on it. They live in a pretty rural, pretty traditional area with very working-class friends and family. I don't think that kind of thing goes over well in that circle.

[janine]

That sums it up for me. I’m always turned off by telling people which gifts are acceptable for you to receive. On the other hand, it feels like people should know to give $ if they are so inclined to give a gift and they are not aware of a registry, but people have “go to” wedding presents they give regardless of the recipients or their circumstances.

Agree, but truthful does not make it ok. How about if someone puts "Louis Vuitton Bag, model xx". That could be truthful! The ironic thing is it starts with "no gifts" but then basically says, pay for our vacation! This would make me want to give nothing and decline TBH.

[Pennylane]

I think anytime you request a specific gift it is tacky. That being said, If I was planning on buying a gift I wouldn't and if I was planning on sending a check I would go ahead and send it.

Ann

[123LuckyMom]

I'm starting to give up on this issue. Clearly the trend is for people to go ahead and assume you're getting them a gift and then dictate what it should (or shouldn't) be. I find it appallingly impolite, but honestly, my irritation and dismay changes nothing, so I'm not going to get my panties in a twist anymore. Everyone always knows the value of the gift you get them anyway, so just write a nice card and enclose a check. They'll appreciate it, I'm sure, and, in the end, the point of a gift is to give the recipient pleasure. They've told you what would make them happy. Just listen and realize that the age of civility ended a long time ago! ;) In the big picture, the gains we've made are worth the losses.

[janine]

A friend of mine got married in January, and put something along the lines of "No gifts please. If you feel obligated to get a gift, please just take one of us to lunch to catch up as the greatest gift of all is friendship".

That to me was so sweet and genuine.

[vonfirmath]

Interesting perspectives!

In this case, I know that there is not pushback from at least the bride's family for there to be some kind of gift. Can't speak for the groom, because I don't know him.

I have to say I find it extremely awkward. I am a bargain shopper, so I may be able to find a very nice gift for $, whereas it feels cheap to send actual $ vs $$$. My husband has not worked since October and I only work two days per week. I can't afford to send $$$ and would be embarrassed to send what my budget would allow right now. I could probably disguise that some with a nice gift, but not cash.

Anyway, I knew there would be mixed opinions and wanted to hear the different takes on this.

Just send a nice congratulations card. You don't need to spend $ or $$$ this time!

[cagey]

In a former life, I'd be annoyed but now, I'd love it. These days I'd just do a check anyway for a wedding, and would rather spend 20 minutes or so writing a 'well wishes' letter (or if they're good friends, close family, having the kids do drawings) than searching on Macys or michaelfina for china patterns....

[oneplustwo]

A friend of mine got married in January, and put something along the lines of "No gifts please. If you feel obligated to get a gift, please just take one of us to lunch to catch up as the greatest gift of all is friendship".

That to me was so sweet and genuine.

That is just lovely!

[mommylamb]

For me, this falls into a don't sweat the small stuff category. I would send them money, and not feel any need to send them more money than I would otherwise spend on a gift. It might not be miss manners, but it's hardly the worst thing in the world and I just wouldn't care. Saves time too.

I don't know if this exists in the U.S., but I have a friend who is British and got married in England, and her registry for her wedding was on this really interesting website that allowed her to put big ticket items from any store or airline, etc, including their honeymoon, and guests could contribute whatever they wanted towards a gift. It didn't say how much each guest gave, but just who had contributed towards whatever it was. As a guest, you could see how much had already been pledged towards a given gift, so you could pledge money towards something they were close to getting. If a particular gift got contributions, but not enough to buy it, the bride and groom could either make up the difference, or transfer the money to another gift. My friends were going on a honeymoon that was a cross Atlantic voyage on a sailboat (and yes, they are they type of people who would do this with young kids, just like the couple that recently did it and had to be rescued), so many people were pledging money to help them with that. Unfortunately, you needed a credit card with a UK address in order to use it, so we ended up just sending a separate gift (we couldn't go to the wedding because DS1 was a baby and I wasn't flying to London for a wedding at that time, though I felt badly because she flew to the U.S. for my wedding). I really loved the concept of this site. Sometimes you really don't need all the $50-$100 typical wedding gifts, but do new a few big things. Seems to be a waste for people to spend money on stuff that you don't need as much, when other needs are unmet.

[Kindra178]

I love it. We give money at all weddings anyway. My family/extended family does as well. I am pretty sure that's very common in the southern and eastern European heritage tradition.

[smilequeen]

Eh, it's probably a little tacky. Definitely not something I would do, but in the end I'd just give them money and not put anymore thought into it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm ok with it. So many couples have lived together and set up shop already that they just don't need the traditional wedding registry stuff.

[wellyes]

I'd lose a bit of respect for the couple.
I am OK with "no gifts" parties but I am not OK with "no gifts but we'd welcome cash". That goes from saying "just come and enjoy!" to dictating what a guest can or cannot bring.

I have seen websites where you can contribute to a honeymoon adventure - I bought a "haunted pub crawl" for the couple :) It was set up by the bridal party. I was ok with it but it sure as HECK wasn't mentioned in the invitation.

[janine]

I'd lose a bit of respect for the couple.
I am OK with "no gifts" parties but I am not OK with "no gifts but we'd welcome cash". That goes from saying "just come and enjoy!" to dictating what a guest can or cannot bring.I have seen websites where you can contribute to a honeymoon adventure - I bought a "haunted pub crawl" for the couple :) It was set up by the bridal party. I was ok with it but it sure as HECK wasn't mentioned in the invitation.

Agree! It's so disingenous to me and kills the vibe. I'm old fashioned I guess and thought gifts were not obligatory although appreciated and customary, but certainly not defined by the receiver. No gifts is no gifts to me.

[acmom]

I'm totally fine with giving cash or a check and usually do, but I just don't get why people would put that on the invite. If you don't have a registry and tell your close family to spend the word that you would love cash or gift cards towards xxxx, that should do the trick for most guests. And great aunt whoever was probably going to give you that ugly vase no matter what you wrote or didn't write on the invite! :rolleye0014:

Saying no gifts please is one thing and fine to put on a invite, but specifically asking for a particular kind of gift on the invite seems inappropriate to me.