magnoliaparadise
04-30-2014, 11:37 AM
Hi,
Wondering what you would do if/when your DC lies / lied and then covered-up?
I'm not sure what consequences I should give.
My DC, 6, bold faced lied about something I asked her not to do - we were at a bank that gives away free lollipops and she had asked if she could get eight for classmates (at her school during recess, classmates are giving them out to their friends) - I said no, but said that she could get 4 for her and her sister (two each). She was disappointed, but I explained that I didn't want her to exclude other kids in school who didn't receive the lollipops and besides, parents don't necessarily want their kids to receive candy.
Anyway, as I was getting money out of the ATM, I could see through the all-glass surrounding floor to ceiling windows. I watched my daughter take a handful of lollipops from the place where customers can get them, stuff some in her coat pocket and return to me. There was a policeman there and it struck me as hilarious that she was not the least bit shy about taking so many lollipops in front of an authority figure. In fact, she turned to leave and he summoned her back because she had dropped one and it had broken. I saw her thank him and take that opportunity to put the broken lollipop back and get a few more.
When she returned to the ATM, she dutifully gave me the 4 lollipops for her and her sister. When I asked where the other 8 were, she denied getting them, showing me her free hands.
I said sternly, 'ok, gig's up, give me the other 8.'
After a look of denial, she fessed up and gave them all to me.
I was mad, but calm. She didn't appear to really 'get' what the lie was and what the cover up was and I explained it clearly. I also told her why our word and people trusting our word is so important. Then she got very upset and apologized profusely.
I told her that I would think about the consequences and tell her later. And I'm not sure what they should be. I took away the lollipops and told her that she could not have any of them, including the ones that are hers. I also told her that I have lost my trust in her word and might need to check up on her actions (brushing teeth, checking her pockets more often, etc) more now for awhile. I also told her that I was going to tell her teacher that kids were trading candies and trinkets during recess and it was creating exclusion and I was going to ask that it be stopped and purposefully and with show went straight to the computer to send that email as soon as we returned home.
I am mainly just shocked. And as they say in every politician-did-wrong story, the cover up strikes me as worse than the lie. My sweet little innocent girl purposefully chose not to follow my direction and then denied it. I have to watch her more closely.
I am trying to look on the bright side... as in, wow, how resourceful she is! :) and how she is so dogmatic to push for something that she wants at such a young age when I was such a goody goody and terrified of getting into trouble and taking risks. OK, she did the wrong thing, but I like her spunk in holding on for what she wants and hopefully that characteristic will come in handy some day. And hey, she was polite to the policeman :).
But hmmm, I want to make sure that she doesn't make this a habit.
I'm just not sure what consequence to employ. Any suggestions? Any BTDT experience?
Is this normal for this age or is my kid just fast tracking on the 6 to teenage curve?...
UPDATE:
I wrote this in a post below, but I don't think some people saw it, so I am including it here:
- My kid put the broken lollipop on a separate shelf. It was plastic-wrapped anyway and not just an open candy.
- Good point about the fact that lollipops at the bank are for customers not K classmates. I said that, but not very clearly and she probably missed it. I will restate that at some point. It wasn't stealing as the lollipops are free and plentiful to all (even people who just walk in and aren't customers, I assume), but yes, the bank's intent is not to give out the lollipops by the dozen for each kid, true!
- About my kid taking 2 lollipops each for her and her sister - that was actually me allowing her to do that. I do not think it is 'greedy' at all - the bank is not giving out lollipops and pens because they are 'nice' but because they believe (rightly so, IMHO) that it is a good marketing strategy to get people in the bank and to keep people - and they are very (VERY) plentiful with their lollipops, pens, and dog snacks - so plentiful that if you go into pretty much any restaurant or shop in my area and someone wants to use a pen, eg for signing a credit card receipt, the shop has the bank's pen. I laugh now when I go to different banks that have the pen stuck to a metal link so you can't steal the pen - it seems so cheap and petty after being in a bank that has a 'take as many as you want of our pens' policy.
Anyway... I digress. This is just to say - I do not think my kid was greedy and I would never ever say that about her. I think that's a seriously harsh word that I disagree with. If she was seen as greedy by anyone, please know then I was the greedy one because I think it's fine. And if the bank wants to have only a 'one per customer', they certainly don't act that way, practically dropping several towards your bag when they see you.
Anyway, the bank has two colored lollipops and over the years, I have gradually let the kids have one of each lollipop color - thus 2 lollipops each. I have realized long since that this was a dumb precedent on my part - NOT because of my concern for the bank or any fear of greed - but because I don't like my kids having two lollipops whenever we go in - but at this point, I am not wedded enough to getting them down to 1 each to change it and they rarely remember the second one once having eaten the first anyway, so I have let it go that they take two. I think we will be moving away from the bank at some point anyway, making the lollipop-feasting less of an issue. (An aside: I find the 'free lollipops' at banks and even my doctor's office a TOTAL drag - then I have to say no constantly - and if I had been some high finance bank board member and the idea of free lollipops had been raised, I would have said a flat out 'No! You will annoy your parent customers!'. As it is, I usually try to do my banking when my kids aren't around so I avoid the lollipops. But... I am clearly in the minority - everyone around here seems to lovvvve those free lollipops and the bank has certainly not suffered in their decision!
Wondering what you would do if/when your DC lies / lied and then covered-up?
I'm not sure what consequences I should give.
My DC, 6, bold faced lied about something I asked her not to do - we were at a bank that gives away free lollipops and she had asked if she could get eight for classmates (at her school during recess, classmates are giving them out to their friends) - I said no, but said that she could get 4 for her and her sister (two each). She was disappointed, but I explained that I didn't want her to exclude other kids in school who didn't receive the lollipops and besides, parents don't necessarily want their kids to receive candy.
Anyway, as I was getting money out of the ATM, I could see through the all-glass surrounding floor to ceiling windows. I watched my daughter take a handful of lollipops from the place where customers can get them, stuff some in her coat pocket and return to me. There was a policeman there and it struck me as hilarious that she was not the least bit shy about taking so many lollipops in front of an authority figure. In fact, she turned to leave and he summoned her back because she had dropped one and it had broken. I saw her thank him and take that opportunity to put the broken lollipop back and get a few more.
When she returned to the ATM, she dutifully gave me the 4 lollipops for her and her sister. When I asked where the other 8 were, she denied getting them, showing me her free hands.
I said sternly, 'ok, gig's up, give me the other 8.'
After a look of denial, she fessed up and gave them all to me.
I was mad, but calm. She didn't appear to really 'get' what the lie was and what the cover up was and I explained it clearly. I also told her why our word and people trusting our word is so important. Then she got very upset and apologized profusely.
I told her that I would think about the consequences and tell her later. And I'm not sure what they should be. I took away the lollipops and told her that she could not have any of them, including the ones that are hers. I also told her that I have lost my trust in her word and might need to check up on her actions (brushing teeth, checking her pockets more often, etc) more now for awhile. I also told her that I was going to tell her teacher that kids were trading candies and trinkets during recess and it was creating exclusion and I was going to ask that it be stopped and purposefully and with show went straight to the computer to send that email as soon as we returned home.
I am mainly just shocked. And as they say in every politician-did-wrong story, the cover up strikes me as worse than the lie. My sweet little innocent girl purposefully chose not to follow my direction and then denied it. I have to watch her more closely.
I am trying to look on the bright side... as in, wow, how resourceful she is! :) and how she is so dogmatic to push for something that she wants at such a young age when I was such a goody goody and terrified of getting into trouble and taking risks. OK, she did the wrong thing, but I like her spunk in holding on for what she wants and hopefully that characteristic will come in handy some day. And hey, she was polite to the policeman :).
But hmmm, I want to make sure that she doesn't make this a habit.
I'm just not sure what consequence to employ. Any suggestions? Any BTDT experience?
Is this normal for this age or is my kid just fast tracking on the 6 to teenage curve?...
UPDATE:
I wrote this in a post below, but I don't think some people saw it, so I am including it here:
- My kid put the broken lollipop on a separate shelf. It was plastic-wrapped anyway and not just an open candy.
- Good point about the fact that lollipops at the bank are for customers not K classmates. I said that, but not very clearly and she probably missed it. I will restate that at some point. It wasn't stealing as the lollipops are free and plentiful to all (even people who just walk in and aren't customers, I assume), but yes, the bank's intent is not to give out the lollipops by the dozen for each kid, true!
- About my kid taking 2 lollipops each for her and her sister - that was actually me allowing her to do that. I do not think it is 'greedy' at all - the bank is not giving out lollipops and pens because they are 'nice' but because they believe (rightly so, IMHO) that it is a good marketing strategy to get people in the bank and to keep people - and they are very (VERY) plentiful with their lollipops, pens, and dog snacks - so plentiful that if you go into pretty much any restaurant or shop in my area and someone wants to use a pen, eg for signing a credit card receipt, the shop has the bank's pen. I laugh now when I go to different banks that have the pen stuck to a metal link so you can't steal the pen - it seems so cheap and petty after being in a bank that has a 'take as many as you want of our pens' policy.
Anyway... I digress. This is just to say - I do not think my kid was greedy and I would never ever say that about her. I think that's a seriously harsh word that I disagree with. If she was seen as greedy by anyone, please know then I was the greedy one because I think it's fine. And if the bank wants to have only a 'one per customer', they certainly don't act that way, practically dropping several towards your bag when they see you.
Anyway, the bank has two colored lollipops and over the years, I have gradually let the kids have one of each lollipop color - thus 2 lollipops each. I have realized long since that this was a dumb precedent on my part - NOT because of my concern for the bank or any fear of greed - but because I don't like my kids having two lollipops whenever we go in - but at this point, I am not wedded enough to getting them down to 1 each to change it and they rarely remember the second one once having eaten the first anyway, so I have let it go that they take two. I think we will be moving away from the bank at some point anyway, making the lollipop-feasting less of an issue. (An aside: I find the 'free lollipops' at banks and even my doctor's office a TOTAL drag - then I have to say no constantly - and if I had been some high finance bank board member and the idea of free lollipops had been raised, I would have said a flat out 'No! You will annoy your parent customers!'. As it is, I usually try to do my banking when my kids aren't around so I avoid the lollipops. But... I am clearly in the minority - everyone around here seems to lovvvve those free lollipops and the bank has certainly not suffered in their decision!