When you want a puppy and your spouse does not

[khalloc]

WWYD?

So my dog (our dog really since we were together when I got him) has oral melanoma. He seems fine now but I know that at some point it will spread if it hasnt already. He's 12 and we arent going to put him thru cancer treatments or anything like that. We'll probably have to euthanize him. From what I've read online the life span is 3 -12 months.

So I know its early to be thinking about this but I want a puppy when we dont have a dog anymore. I want another labrador. I work part time and I'm home by 3pm. DH is adamant that we dont have another dog (or cat when our 14 year old cat dies). He says he's had cats and dogs his whole life and he is ready to not have pets. Thats fine and all but the kids and I will want a dog. And DH is a huge animal lover so I know he would warm up to the idea. His reasoning is that he wants to be able to go on vacation without worrying about who is going to watch the animals. But right now we always switch dog-sitting with his sister. So its not exactly a hardship to find someone to watch our dog. He says no one wants to watch a puppy. But I disagree (I havent asked SIL this yet). Plus we go on a 1-week vacation once or twice a year. Its not like we are gone all the time!

We already have a dog so I feel like we know what we are getting into.

The idea of getting a new puppy makes me feel less sad about my dog dying. It gives me something to look forward too. DH travels for work. Sometimes alot, like a week or so a month at times. I could see if it was opposite and I traveled and he would have to take care of a puppy, but thats not true. We used to have 2 dogs and 2 cats. And now we are down to 1 dog and 1 cat. And the dog is sick with melanoma.

So do you think me and the kids wanting a puppy should trump DH not wanting one? Or should he come around on his own first? Maybe he will rethink once he sees how sad we all are when our dog passes?

I'm trying to drop the subject at home and maybe I'll just address it once our dog passes. But it would make me alot happier if I knew we could get a puppy in the future.

[123LuckyMom]

There was another, somewhat different, thread on this a while ago:

Has anyone ever gotten a dog without their spouse's support? http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=472691

In your case, where you've had pets and your husband does love dogs, I would keep talking to him about it. Explain why it is so important to you (and the children.) Acknowledge his concerns and ask him whether, if you can address those concerns, he would feel differently. Talk to your SIL about dog sitting a puppy, etc.

I would not get a dog if my spouse were not on board. I would not make any big decision that would affect his life without having an agreement with my DH. I bet your DH will come around, though. Just continue to make it a discussion that honors his point of view rather than a "you're being ridiculous, and I'm completely right" kind of approach.

[MMMommy]

heh, heh. I posted same time as 123LuckyMom. She mentions the thread.

This reminds me of a recent thread where the poster wanted a dog, but the husband did not. And the husband finally agreed to the wife getting the dog, so long as he would not be expected to care for or walk the dog.

In your situation, would DH put the onus on you and the kids to care for the dog entirely? Would DH wash his hands of the matter and not bear any responsibility, or would he be expected to walk and care for the dog as well?

I think these factors would weigh heavily on the matter.

[anonomom]

Also, maybe there's a compromise available? It sounds like your DH just wants a break from having pets, not that he will never, ever want a pet again. Maybe agree that you'll try out a year without pets and revisit then? In return, he need to assure you that he is open to the possibility of having a dog again some day, if not immediately. That way you get the hope and reassurance you need, but your DH also gets the break he needs.

(FWIW, our cat is old and ill ill and my kids are already plotting the pet we'll get next. I, on the other hand, have no interest in getting another pet for at least a few years. So I may be slightly biased towards your husband's view of things).

[elephantmeg]

we got another dog when our dog was diagnosed with cancer with a 6-12 month prognosis and we compromised on not a puppy. We thought we were getting a 4 year old dog from the SPCA which turned into a 9 yo dog. Anyways. Last summer I wanted a puppy but we settled on a 1 year old from the SPCA who was mostly housebroken, almost past the chewing phase and still had lots of energy. Maybe looking at a young dog but not a puppy would be a solution? I still really, really, want a puppy some day but my DH is not keen on the puppy phase!

[specialp]

I would not until he is on board. You shouldn’t bring a dog into a house where everyone isn’t completely on board and I would not rely on DH being a dog person. One can be a dog person and yet not ready or willing for the obligation of a dog at a certain point because of limited time, resources, etc. I said in the other thread that I needed a break before we got another dog. I am a huge dog person. You can’t beat a dog’s unconditional love. But I meant it when I said I needed a break. We were going to sell a house, TTC, then a newborn, etc. I knew my limits and I would’ve resented the hell out of DH had he brought one home anyway. We did get another dog and by that time, I was 100% on board (good thing, as I was the one who did the house training.)

Things I would is talk about his concerns and see if you can address them. Talk to SIL. DH is right. I sit for dogs, but puppies are different - a ton of clean up, work on training, and loss of some of your valuables to chew toy status. Would a younger adult dog be a better fit than a new puppy? Would a different breed? (We compromised on breed. I can’t handle labs and that is what DH wanted.) Maybe a short break or 1 vacation without. If vacation is the issue, could you be in charge of arranging all that? (DH is in charge of setting up the sitter.) In addition to all I had going on, I really needed time to grieve my dog that died. It could be one of those things of having a change of heart once your dog is gone. It is HARD not having a dog when you are used to it. Give it time and keep the communication up. Like pp said, "not now" isn't the same thing as "not ever."

I'm sorry to hear your dog is sick.

[dogmom]

I guess technically speaking I have gotten a dog twice without my husband's "support", but he has been happy to get both dogs in the end. The latest one we was point blank, "I don't want it, but I'm clearly getting out voted 3:1 so I acknowledge there is a Basset Hound in our future, but I reserve the right to say I told you so." Who pays more attention to the Basset Hound than anyone else? He's a softie. But I know my DH and if he said absolutely not I would not, I knew he wasn't saying that.

I would suggest that since your dog has terminal illness he might just be distancing himself from the whole pet ownership thing for now. I wouldn't be surprised if 6 months after there is not dog in the house he changes his mind. Also, would he be more accepting of an adult dog? I know that my DH would not have wanted a puppy, yet again, and I'm glad we got a 5 yo dog. The flip side of my suggestion is we got the second dog a two months ago, then our first dog who I am very attached to died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. IT was horrific, sad, we had to make a call if we would go to spend thousands of dollars on the off chance that dog might get better. It's all still very raw and hard. Having the second dog really helped the kids, and probably us after the fact. Especially my son who was very attached to the dog and decided to stay with him when he died.

Although I admit I do have little dreams about what a non-dog, non-fur covered, carefree dog life would be like.

[icunurse]

I wouldn't. Puppies require a lot of care. A lot. To do it all by yourself while working is a big, big job. Not saying that it can't be done, but I personally wouldn't want to do it all on my own. Shortly before our dog died, I really thought we wouldn't have another dog for at least a year, but after much thought, it seemed like a good time (kids are good ages, dog should probably be gone when the kids are around college age). But even with our puppy (almost 5 months), we are dealing with dog sitters coming once a day (younger puppy would be more), nipping, chewing, high energy and all the typical stuff. He is getting better every day, but it isn't going to change overnight and, if I didn't want a dog, that stuff would really tick me off every day. Also, the "help" from my kids is even less than I anticipated (he nips sometimes, so DD limits her play; he is strong and not great on a leash, so I don't fully trust DS with him on walks). It could all fall on you. I think you need to speak with your DH, maybe at a later time, to ask about his concerns. Maybe an older dog is better for everyone. Maybe he will get on board. But you are talking 12 years of your life....he needs to be okay with it.

[hillview]

I'd wait for now as hard as that is. DH wasn't super keen to get a dog but he agreed to it (vs being against it). The dog of COURSE adores DH and DH likes him (but usually tried to deny it). If DH was 100% against a dog I'd have not gotten one. I work to the point where I can't 100% take care of the dog so DH would have to be on board and it wouldn't be worth it to get a dog and have that be an issue for us KWIM?

[Simon]

It sounds like he needs a break. I am not a pet person myself, so if Dh and the kids were lobbying me hard, I might give in but I wouldn't be happy about it, even if I came to love the pet. There is just an additional layer of responsibility and complexity to ownership that I'd rather be without.

[mackmama]

I would not until all family members are on board. Pets are a part of the family, and everyone needs to be ready for their care, love, and responsibility.

[doberbrat]

Is it possible that he's reacting to the impending losses? No more pets could equal no more losses in his mind.

Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Jacksmommy2b]

Is it possible that he's reacting to the impending losses? No more pets could equal no more losses in his mind.

Either way, I'm sorry you're going through this.

This is exactly what I was thinking too. Maybe he is still processing the upcoming loss of dog #1 and can't get on board with another dog just yet. I would give him time after the loss of your current dog before discussing it again.

[Kindra178]

I think a puppy requires the whole family to be on board. I feel differently about an adult dog.

[khalloc]

No, he's been saying no more dogs for awhile now. Even before we found out about our dog's cancer. But I always assumed that he would come around after a while. he is a HUGE animal person.

He feeds the dog in the morning and lets him out/in. Our dog is older now and we dont walk him each day. We just let him out in the yard. I know a puppy would require walks and I am OK with that and being the "walker". I know puppies are alot of work. I had one 12 years ago! But I really dont feel like it was that bad. I mean it took maybe a month or so until my dog was about to go all night without a potty break. Thats not awful I dont think. And I leave in the morning at 7, but DH doesnt leave till 8 and thats on the days he goes into the office. These days he is working from home 3 days a week usually. So he could be home to let the dog out a couple of times. I know he needs to be on-board with that. And I am home at 2:45 and would do all the puppy care after that.

I dont want an adult dog. I want a puppy. And I'd be the one spending $1000+ on a well bred lab from a reputable breeder.

I would never get a dog without him OKing it. But I'm wondering about nagging him about the puppy until he caves vs really waiting until he says he wants another dog (which might never happen). His logic was that we should not get a dog until we are empty-nesters. But I am thinking the opposite - Get a dog while the kids are young, then when they are out of the house we can be pet-less and have no responsibilities.

I'm going to just sit on it for a few months and see how he feels once our dog is gone.

[niccig]

In the lead up to our Maggie passing away, we talked about getting another dog. I refused while we still had Maggie as she needed more care and a new pet in her space would be stressful for her. I said we would need to wait a while before we got another dog. After we put Maggie to sleep, I thought we would wait at least a couple of months and it would be better timing to have a new pet over the summer. We were all so devastated at losing Maggie, the house felt so empty, I relented and said we could get another dog sooner. We did foster-to-adopt a week later. While that may have been quick for some people, it was right for us. So I did come around, your DH may do the same when dealing with reality of no dog in the house. It was really awful.

This time we went with an older dog 3-4 years old, terrier-poodle mix and he's fitted in so well with us. We're still training some bad habits out of him. Friends have agreed to exchange pet sitting as we often pet sit their maltese. The 2 dogs get along. I won't have our dog go there until I'm sure he's 100% house broken and bad habits gone. We may board him the first couple of vacations. Maybe you could do that with your SIL, while he's still a puppy, board him, and then he can stay with her once out of puppy stage.

[daisysmom]

If I were you, I would keep doing the research and planning to get a puppy when the time is right. I am not sure I would "nag" him but I would certainly bring it up in a calm manner.

My reasoning is that-- when my DH and I married, we both knew that we were animal lovers and we had talked about always having animals around. So while I can see my husband reacting emotionally and saying something like yours "It sure will be easier with no pets for trips" and "I am not sure that I want a puppy again", my thought would be he was not really serious on it and if he were, he was going back on the agreement/bargain that we had when we got married. We are both animal people, we agreed it was important to raise children with animals, and even though they can be PITAs (puppies and older/dying/incontinent dogs), one person can't change their mind on it unilaterially to not have animals. Similarly, if I were to get sick of caring for an older pet, I think my husband would also be able to hold me to our bargain that this is what we agreed to and we do it when it is hard and easy.

Your situation might not be the same or there might not have been an explicit agreement, but this is how I woudl look at it in my family. While a dog is a big responsibility, if my DH said no more dogs knowing how much animals mean to me, then we would need counseling and it would be a huge problem. Pet lover is who I am -- it goes to the core of the things that I care about. I am not saying my DH couldn't vent and make the suggestion "wouldn't it be easier without the worry" but I would not take it seriously and I would go about my business planning for another dog.

[khalloc]

My SIL was over yesterday dropping off her big dog for a few days while they go away. They also have a small jack Russell terrier and my DH picked that little dog up and immediately began cuddling with her. He is such an animal lover! So I took the opportunity to point that out and I told my SIL that DH said we can't get a puppy because no one will want to watch it if we want a vacation and she said they will definitely watch a puppy! So there goes that excuse for DH!

[eagle]

why not wait 1 or 2 years? its a nice compromise, i think! he gets a break and youll have a puppy in the end and he might even be up to help with the training, etc

[specialp]

Well, I think you need to at least get him away from the empty nester plan. Who plans dog ownership that far in advance? Say that you will agree to not get one asap, but he needs to budge on his time frame as well and 10+ years is too long for you to look forward to something, you want the kids to grow up with a dog, etc.

The puppy vs. adult was a suggestion on ways to compromise depending on whatever DH’s concerns were. You want a puppy and soon. Sometimes communicating a compromise on one thing makes the other person get on board and more is productive than begging. So since an adult dog is out, maybe like pp suggested, a one or 2 year break and DH will be up for a puppy again.

[SnuggleBuggles]

In our house, we all want a cat except dh. He is adamant no pets. He has won so far. I'm truth, I'm mostly ok w it bc pets are work and the end of our last cat's life was a very messy affair (pooping everywhere). So, we visit other peoples' pets. It's not the same but I really do get where dh is coming from and respect that. (It doesn't mean we don't occasionally bring it up and try to change his mind ;))