Advice - financially preparing for a divorce

[rachelh]

A friend of mine is going thru a really rough time in her marriage. There have really been ongoing issues of (what I think is) verbal abuse that they have been trying to resolve for a long time with the help of therapy but she is at the point of thinking she needs to financially prepare for separation/divorce. Both her and her husband work – maybe even taking home about the same amount. They have a decent amount of savings but everything is joint with her husband – bank accounts, credit cards, etc. What steps should she be taking to get some assets in her own name without her husband knowing – is that even possible?

TIA

[AJP]

I think the best advice would be to do a consult with an attorney and they could guide her in the best way. Most would do a first consult for free.
My first thought would be to take half of whatever was available and stick it into an account in my name only, but have no idea of this is legal and I'm SURE it varies by state. And I'm sure her husband would notice.
Does she have anything in her name alone? Again, a consult with an attorney would give her the power to know what her rights are as far as assets. I don't know if they could advise her on how to do it without him knowing.

[AJP]

She could also start some savings on the side with small withdrawals from any accounts.
If he doesn't know exactly how much her paycheck is could she open another account at her bank and have a portion of her paycheck direct-deposited into that account? Then he wouldn't see any withdrawals from the joint account.
I've also read about people paying on credit cards at the supermarket, target etc and taking the highest amount available as "cash back" and then "stashing" that $.
I hope you get some better advice!

[Mikey0709]

I think legally everything is jointly owned - - so i'm not quite sure she could start her own account or start stashing and get away with it.

BUT - - i think it's better to file something legally sooner rather than later.... cause either party could rake up the credit cards, or open new credit accounts - - which BOTH may end up responsible for!

[MamaKath]

Laws vary by state (what is joint, etc), she needs to consult a local lawyer. She won't be able to just remove him from accounts without his knowledge and moving half will make him pretty aware of intentions. She can however keep copies of bank records to prove what is there and jointly owned. She can also start a bank account in her own name and start saving some money for the if. Positive thoughts her way, not an easy road.

[niccig]

Definitely check with a lawyer.

I'd say own bank account and own credit card. Start saving money in the account. All of this is joint, so will have to be disclosed, but it gives her some money if she needs it.

Make copies of all financial documents. She's in the house now, assuming copies of bank accts, insurance, mortgage etc are in the home, so quietly make copies and store off-site. It'll be easier than later on having to track down account numbers etc.

[mom2binsd]

She needs to first meet with an attorney, they will advise what to do, it varies by state. My first consultation was free, and once she's talked to an attorney, he can not retain them (even if she goes with someone else, once you've talked to a lawyer, they are off limits to the other party).

She should immediately change all her passwords on all email, facebook etc...who knows if he knows them and if he's got access to that. Same with passcodes for cellphone. If need be, buy a prepaid cell phone to use when contacting the lawyer...sounds like drug dealing, but it may be helpful to keep those records private.

Make sure she knows what the balances are right now, make copies of all statements like nicci said.

[firstbaby]

I agree with the advice mentioned my PP. One other thought - she could buy small gift cards each time she's at Target, grocery store, etc in case she thinks she will be in an emergency situation with money. A friend's boss's spouse did this because she knew where things were headed and that she would be cut off from her H's income (she didn't work). Each time she was somewhere that had Visa gift cards, etc, she would grab one in a small denomination.

[JBaxter]

I would secure a credit card in her name only and a checking account in her name only. The checking doesnt have to have a huge balance but it is established. She needs to make copies of all CC balances and balances of both savings & investments. Talk to a lawyer but he could easily run up every one of the joint CC's If its a simple split they can do it with not much issue. Custody gets nasty sometimes. Property can get nasty also.

[westwoodmom04]

She should talk to an attorney first. The money issue frequently comes up, and there is definitely a right way and wrong way to do it.

[rachelh]

Thank you all! She does not want to take the lawyer step yet but she is trying to plan for some emergency cash as you all mentioned. I would have never thought to buy gift cards, take cash back at the stores, etc.

Thanks!

[mom2binsd]

She is making her first mistake I'm sorry to say....just talking to a lawyer will clarify what she can and can't do....it is by no means a committment one way or another, lots of lawyers will tell you they don't get retained after that initial consult, but she should really know what her options are....

[westwoodmom04]

She is making her first mistake I'm sorry to say....just talking to a lawyer will clarify what she can and can't do....it is by no means a committment one way or another, lots of lawyers will tell you they don't get retained after that initial consult, but she should really know what her options are....


I agree with this completely, if she in any way tips him off inadvertently, she could be the one who winds up with no access to the accounts (can be fixed, but takes a while). She should definitely see a lawyer to discuss her options, does not mean that she must divorce or separate.

[Still-in-Shock]

If you are in NY, please have her read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_divorce_law. As it states, NY is one of the most conservative when it comes to divorce.
There is nothing to stop her opening an bank account in her own name, and it is very easy to do one online if she doesn't have time to go to a brick and mortar bank. If she doesn't have a personal account already, see if she can get direct deposit into that account from her paycheck. If she thinks this will alert her husband to something, the gift card route would be better, and then she can deposit the money from those cards into an account. If someone asks why she was putting money away, it was to pay legal fees because therapy with her husband was not progressing to a better marriage.

If there are children involved, the divorce will probably not go quickly, so there is a good chance she could accrue a reasonable bit of money on her own.

[BunnyBee]

She is making her first mistake I'm sorry to say....just talking to a lawyer will clarify what she can and can't do....it is by no means a committment one way or another, lots of lawyers will tell you they don't get retained after that initial consult, but she should really know what her options are....

I agree. Divorce attorneys are well versed in how to handle money, and they understand abuse scenarios. She needs to understand her options for legally securing money for herself.