Asking family and friends for money to have a baby

[Pennylane]

Update : Made my donation, more than I wanted but less than my DH said. We talked about it and agreed on $300. I feel good for helping,they are a super sweet and very deserving couple. Seems like this is their only shot at this, so hoping it works!


How do you all feel about this? We have relatives that cannot have a child and they are now raising money to help pay the fees to have a surrogate carry the child for them. Is this normal?

My DH and I are in disagreement on how much money to give them. What would you contribute? We are fairly well off but have lots of expenses and three dc to take care of also.

Ann

[specialp]

Not with surrogacy, but I have seen this with adoption expenses.

[egoldber]

I have also seen this for adoption expenses.

ETA: My ILs funded several rounds of IVF for their daughters. They could never have afforded it otherwise.

[rachelh]

My sister struggled with infertility for 12 years (she is now pregnant!! wohoo!!) She underwent many IVF rounds. She never asked me for money but if she did I would have given whatever little I was able to in a heartbeat. My parents helped her out tremendously - taking out money from their home equity line.

We have friends who also struggled with infertility and a good friend arranged a fund, parlor meeting through a infertility organization to help raise funds for them so the couple was not actually doing it themselves.

[meggie t]

Is this normal? No, it's not normal. I can't imagine asking anyone for money for this type of expense, whether surrogate, IVF, adoption, etc. Now, in private I might ask a select few if I felt it appropriate, but not my whole extended family.

As for what I would contribute, you have to decide what you feel comfortable giving. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer and what one person might give, as you have found out with your husband, another might think otherwise.

Good luck with this decision.

[hillview]

well it would really depend. My sister I'd give a lot to help out. My cousin -- maybe $200 or something like that. I think it depends how close you are and your financial position.

[blisstwins]

Definitely not "normal," but going through infertility was the single most painful experience of my life. I have no idea what resources they depleted getting to this point and a lot of how I responded would depend on other things: eg, do they take a lot of luxury vacations and drive nice cars, waste money, etc. or are these people for whom money can solve a problem? Ultimately there are problems one can solve with money and problems that it cannot. If helping them is possible and are they decent, not exploitative people, I would help them if I could.

[AngB]

I haven't and probably wouldn't do it personally, but do see it often. (Not really with friends as much as from the infertility/pregnancy loss crowds.) It is rare for insurance to cover any infertility costs.

I actually don't really see it any different from people asking for money for any other fundraising cause, whether it's the Komen walk for cancer, medical bills, or whatever.

If it's not someone that close, I would probably just donate 20-50ish. I doubt they are expecting people to fund everything for them but even that amount can cover something like the trigger shot or whatever and make it more feasible.

[Pennylane]

We aren't close to them , but they are close family (if that makes any sense). Both work, but they are not well off by any means. My Dh wants to give a large amount, $500 or more and I was thinking more along the line of $100 - $200. We have so many expenses lately and I just don't feel like I want to donate that much. I guess I also think that it is not really the entire families responsibility to fund this for them . I know that sounds bitchy but I mean there are going to be lots of unexpected expenses in life and you can't just ask people for money for everything.

Ann

[AngB]

We aren't close to them , but they are close family (if that makes any sense). Both work, but they are not well off by any means. My Dh wants to give a large amount, $500 or more and I was thinking more along the line of $100 - $200. We have so many expenses lately and I just don't feel like I want to donate that much. I guess I also think that it is not really the entire families responsibility to fund this for them . I know that sounds bitchy but I mean there are going to be lots of unexpected expenses in life and you can't just ask people for money for everything.

Ann

I agree and disagree. I consider it more medical expenses then something extraneous. If people were fundraising medical expenses for cancer treatment, would you feel the same? I mean, for them, it is probably like 20k'ish to just have ONE child, if they are successful, something most people get for free. That's a lot more then just a broken radiator in their car or something. It's not your responsibility, but it is a nice thing to do. (When I thought we may have to do IVF, I would have done it in a cheaper country--they call it 'ivf-cations' before I would have asked for donations, but that's me personally. We definitely would not have been able to afford it and had no insurance infertility coverage. DH has since changed jobs and we now do have amazing insurance that covers infertility including IVF.)

It sounds like they may be his direct relatives? Could you compromise and donate like $300 or 400?--slightly more than you want and slightly less than he wants.

[TxCat]

I have not seen it for IVF, but I've seen it for all sorts of other medical expenses, legal bills, moving to college/furnishing one's first apartment, etc., so it seems in keeping with the emerging trend of applying crowd-sourced funding towards one's personal life. I will add that for most couples I know with infertility problems, their parents have contributed to or completely funded the associated costs (but the parents were in a financial position to do so).

As for what to do personally, I would only give what you feel like you an comfortably afford (maybe a compromise amount between the two figures you and your DH were thinking of). My guess is that the couple is not expecting all of the expenses to be covered by family and friends but will probably appreciate any assistance that is offered.

[wellyes]

If people were fundraising medical expenses for cancer treatment, would you feel the same?

I can see this both way. It's a medical expense and absolutely not a frivolous one. But infertility is not life threatening, doesn't cause chronic pain, isn't debilitating (physically) etc...... so giving to help out does not feel quite as urgent.

OP, in your shoes, I would give $300 as a compromise. Or do what your husband wants if it is his side of the family. Being generous in this case is not a waste of money.

[AnnieW625]

Is this normal? No, it's not normal. I can't imagine asking anyone for money for this type of expense, whether surrogate, IVF, adoption, etc. Now, in private I might ask a select few if I felt it appropriate, but not my whole extended family.

As for what I would contribute, you have to decide what you feel comfortable giving. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer and what one person might give, as you have found out with your husband, another might think otherwise.

Good luck with this decision.

I agree with this as well. I have never heard of it. I have had friends who had fund raisers to pay for medical bills for a child with spina bifida and at $200 couple we opted not to go, but I still feel like I supported my friend without using monetary means.

For myself and DH we could never ask anyone help, although I am sure my parents would have helped out if at possible if they knew something was up and we wanted to adopt or conceive a child using ivf, and we couldn't afford it. I am not sure about my in laws.

[MSWR0319]

I struggle with things like this. We have two sets of friends, who are all in the same circle, who have both had kids with medical needs. One set has 3 children, two with special needs. That family is constantly having medical expenses. They work hard but not well off and have never asked anyone for anything. I know they've maxed out one child's medical coverage at $1 million in just the first year. The other set of friends just had a baby who had some medical problems and needed to be in the hospital for a couple of months. They have started a foundation to raise money for all of his expenses and their travel expenses while they were having to drive 2 hours when he was in the hospital. They are well off and have great insurance. I didn't feel the need to contribute to them because I felt it was like they were begging for money :bag but it made me want to send an anonymous donation to the other family because no one has ever done anything for them and they really could use it. If you feel like they need it, then give it to them. If you don't feel like it but your husband wants to, maybe just give the $100 or $200.

[BDKmom]

I have not seen this done for infertility, but I have seen someone do this to help with adoption expenses. It was an international adoption of a toddler. The family had 3 children biologically. At the time, it rubbed me the wrong way. Now, I guess I can see it from the side that they were trying to give a home to a child who didn't have one. So it was more like donating to the child instead of the family.

In your situation, I don't know how I would feel. I'm sure the couple has been down a hard road, but, as others have mentioned, it's not like it's a life threatening condition. I guess they feel there is no harm in asking, and if someone is not comfortable with giving, they don't have to. I like PPs' suggestions to give an amount in between what you would do and what your DH would do. Or, if it is his family member, let him make the final call.

[Melaine]

I wouldn't do that for infertility, but I have and would for adoption.

[Simon]

I would settle on an amount with Dh, but I guess I am cold-hearted because I don't see this as a necessary expense and would not personally want to give any money. The desire to have children can be painful and all consuming if unfulfilled, but I don't see this as something a family needs to rally around and help fix. I do not put it on par with medical expenses like cancer treatments or a motorized wheelchair, etc.

[TwinFoxes]

I think it depends how close you are and your financial position.

:yeahthat: I'd have to pretty actively dislike them to give nothing. My first thought was $500.

I've vey never been asked for any type of medical expenses, ivf, adoption, etc. The closest was when a work friend of mine asked people for monetary help to leave her abusive husband. We leapt at the chance, that guy was evil.

[megs4413]

I can see this both way. It's a medical expense and absolutely not a frivolous one. But infertility is not life threatening, doesn't cause chronic pain, isn't debilitating (physically) etc...... so giving to help out does not feel quite as urgent.

OP, in your shoes, I would give $300 as a compromise. Or do what your husband wants if it is his side of the family. Being generous in this case is not a waste of money.

I might get flamed for this, but I do think it's a little extravagant (I won't say frivolous.) I don't actually think it *is* a medical expense. It's a surrogate, which is a LOT different, IMO, than IUI or IVF or adoption.

Personally, I think it's much too personal of a thing to ask people to be understanding enough to contribute to without knowing all the details. And I wouldn't want to share all the details and open myself up to that kind of judgment. It's just not a medical necessity, IMO. Sorry. Have they involved you in the process before? Are they opening themselves up to answering questions? Surrogacy is one of (if not THE) most expensive options possible in pursuing a family, and I'd want to know why all the other choices had been eliminated before ponying anything up. I'm sorry, that's just my opinion.

[123LuckyMom]

I've never seen anyone do this, but acquaintances of ours did request donations to help pay for the husband to take 6 months to leave his family to develop his pottery skills (he's a professional artist), and I did not donate. I had really mixed feelings about the choice the family was making, and I sort of didn't want to support it financially. The situation you describe is very different!

In this case, I definitely would give. I would give as much as I reasonably could. I agree that you should choose a compromising number between your inclination and your DH's, maybe $350.

[carolinacool]

Personally, I think it's much too personal of a thing to ask people to be understanding enough to contribute to without knowing all the details. And I wouldn't want to share all the details and open myself up to that kind of judgment. It's just not a medical necessity, IMO. Sorry. Have they involved you in the process before? Are they opening themselves up to answering questions? Surrogacy is one of (if not THE) most expensive options possible in pursuing a family, and I'd want to know why all the other choices had been eliminated before ponying anything up. I'm sorry, that's just my opinion.

This is a good point. Are they adding donations to money they already have, or are they looking to donations to cover the entire process? And if they don't raise enough money, do you get your money back? These are questions I would want to know, but I'm also not in a position to fork over hundreds of dollars that might not end up being used in the way that was described to me.

But since you are in the position to give something (and not miss it), I agree with coming to a compromise with your DH.

[JCat]

(These are people trying to have a BABY. I wouldn't consider that extravagant. That comment was not intended for the OP!!) It may be very important to them to have a genetic connection to their child, and this could be their last shot. When I was going through fertility treatments the cost for a surrogate IVF easily ran upwards of 45k. More depending on where you lived or the surrogate's quaklifications. I'm sure asking for donations wasn't their first choice. If they are not wasteful of their money normally, I would give whatever you felt confortable giving. I am sure they will be happy whatever you decide.

[daisysmom]

I think that what you should donate has to be driven by your and your DH's personal connection to them, personal views on having children or not, etc. We struggled for years to have one child and didn't have to resort to IVF. My younger sister is going to have to resort to IVF though, and she was just telling me the other day how expensive it is and that she and her husband are trying to decide if they should do it or if they can be happy and fine without having a child. I told her that whatever she decided would be right for them, and that I would never judge her either way. But as I reflected on this conversation, inside my head I was thinking that now, since I have DD, I would move heaven and earth to be able to have a child. I don't think I knew this before I had her -- I too had the feeling of "maybe we would be fine without having a child/maybe it is meant to be". But now that I have her -- I am just so thankful. So if my sister were to ask for money to help them, I woudl give her money hands down. To me it is a life-saving medical expense. I would want to do anything I could to help her because I can't imagine my life now without a child.

I have a friend who did 6 rounds of IVF and just had a baby via surrogate. I don't view surrogacy as extravagent at all. I know that she did whatever possible to become a mother and I am so happy and overjoyed for her. She never needed to ask for money but if she had, similarly with my sister, I would have given with no regrets. None at all.

Others may not feel this way -- surely -- it is a very personal decision. We give a lot of money to charities every year. A lot. But I think helping a loved one reach parenthood would be something I would be very happy to do.

[MMMommy]

I've never seen anyone do this, but acquaintances of ours did request donations to help pay for the husband to take 6 months to leave his family to develop his pottery skills (he's a professional artist), and I did not donate. I had really mixed feelings about the choice the family was making, and I sort of didn't want to support it financially. The situation you describe is very different!

In this case, I definitely would give. I would give as much as I reasonably could. I agree that you should choose a compromising number between your inclination and your DH's, maybe $350.

:shake: I wanted to use the "jaw dropping" icon, but couldn't find it! Seriously? Requesting donations to help pay for the husband to take leave to develop pottery skills? Uh, no. Big no. I cannot believe they had the balls to ask for that.

[123LuckyMom]

:shake: I wanted to use the "jaw dropping" icon, but couldn't find it! Seriously? Requesting donations to help pay for the husband to take leave to develop pottery skills? Uh, no. Big no. I cannot believe they had the balls to ask for that.

That's how I felt. To be a little more fair, he's an artist, so this would be akin to an RN seeking funds to develop skills to become a PA, or something similar. It was supposed to be a professional development thing so he could broaden the market for his art. I didn't think it should be my job to fund it, though, and I found it upsetting that he was leaving his wife and young son for 6 months to do it. He's back now, so I guess they did find a way to afford it.

[lmh2402]

i am in the camp of compromising to decide on dollar amount. however, I am also of the opinion that I would assume there is a reason they are pursuing surrogacy. Unless they are people who want to have a child but don't want to be bothered with the "inconveniences" of pregnancy, than I woul think it's a safe bet that there's a reason they're not pursuing IVF. I wonder why some PP think they would willingly donate for adoption, but not for this?

To me, this seems like a such a sincere ask - you say they're not all that well off. Are they good people (or do you think they're good people/will they make good parents?)

If so, I wouldn't hesitate to help them achieve this goal - no, it's not like having cancer. But it's also not like asking for money to pursue pottery or go on vacation - they are asking for help achieving their goal of having a biological child. To me, that's such a precious gift to be able to help them with.

[niccig]

That's how I felt. To be a little more fair, he's an artist, so this would be akin to an RN seeking funds to develop skills to become a PA, or something similar. It was supposed to be a professional development thing so he could broaden the market for his art. I didn't think it should be my job to fund it, though, and I found it upsetting that he was leaving his wife and young son for 6 months to do it. He's back now, so I guess they did find a way to afford it.

And I'm in grad. school but I haven't asked family to fund my tuition. This scenario you describe is taking advantage of people's generosity.

[MMMommy]

That's how I felt. To be a little more fair, he's an artist, so this would be akin to an RN seeking funds to develop skills to become a PA, or something similar. It was supposed to be a professional development thing so he could broaden the market for his art. I didn't think it should be my job to fund it, though, and I found it upsetting that he was leaving his wife and young son for 6 months to do it. He's back now, so I guess they did find a way to afford it.

I just cannot imagine how he could ask acquaintances to help fund his professional career. If he did art for a particular company or employer, and the employer paid for his pottery classes, I can understand that. But to ask random acquaintances to help pay? That is just way off base to me.

[123LuckyMom]

And I'm in grad. school but I haven't asked family to fund my tuition. This scenario you describe is taking advantage of people's generosity.

Yes, I did not respond positively to the request.

I did, however, try to be as supportive of the mom and son as I could while he was gone. She seemed to have a lot of family support, though. Thank goodness!

[ZeeBaby]

I would compromise with DH and give $300 and let that be the end of it. I would just make it clear that this is a one time thing and that you would not be helping fund baby #2.

I agree with PP that said surrogacy is the most expensive way to have a child and there are other options if you desire is to have a child.

[California]

Do you have a budget for donations to charities? If so one solution would be to redirect some of that money towards your cousins. You won't get the tax write off but it wouldn't be adding additional expenditures.
If that doesn't work I'd still pitch in. Infertility can be a devestating struggle. They may have been struggling with this for years while graciously attending family baby showers and kid parties. Think of this as a one time "Pre-Mother's Day" gift to them in hopes they get to have all those future celebrations for their own little one.

[Binkandabee]

With gofundme becoming so popular, it is becoming not unheard of for people to set up fundraising accounts for just about anything. Gofundme makes is super easy to contribute for people who wish to do so. I don't think that obligates you, though.

[mackmama]

Although I wouldn't do it myself, I feel fine with it and would be happy to help a family member realize their dream of having a child. Just give what you are able.

[Cam&Clay]

I posted about this a while back:

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?362961-A-few-questions-about-an-adoption-situation&highlight=adoption+fundraising

I worked with a woman who did monthly fundraisers to fund her adoption. Chick-fil-a, yard sales, pass the coffee jar around our school. It was ridiculous.

[sste]

I personally would not resort to asking others unless I was literally working a second job and had explored pros/cons of working at cracker barrel or someplace similar that offers insurance coverage for infertility. Also I believe some jewish federations offer no interest loans for fertility -- OP not sure if family member is jewish. There would have to be no other option.

I have been asked to cosign a large IVF loan, over 10k, by H's sister who wanted to freeze her eggs and also try own-egg IVF at age 46. The odds of this working were next to nothing. The odds of her being able to manage the loan were quite uncertain -- she doesn't have steady full time employment. That being said, I said yes. She is family and the money in her case was not about having a bio child, which just isn't realistic for her. It was about not having regrets. Which I think is important and worth funding given the 10k would hurt, affect our vacays and summer camp options for a couple of years, but not break us. I will say I am deliriously happy she has not been approved for the loan given the potential financial repercussion to us.

On IVF versus adoption, we looked into all options for ourselves recently. IMO donor egg IVF is going to be a comparable and often cheaper option than private/with a consultant/international adoption (that is the forms of adoption most likely to yield an adoptable child in under 2 years). Own egg ivf depends on the situation but most people have to go through multiple cycles - -not the case with young donor eggs which have a high success rate. Surrogacy is way more expensive but if time is at issue for whatever reason or you want multiple children (twins) it may still make sense. FWIW I can't imagine choosing surrogacy for convenience reasons. There is so much legal process, psych. screening, insurance wrangling, limited control over surrogate decisionmaking with respect to the pregnancy - - we considered surrogacy and I decided a very high risk pregnancy was going to be LESS stressful for me than dealing with the surrogacy process.

[Pennylane]

For medical reasons she can not carry a child. She has had lots of health issues. They are hoping to raise about 20k.

Ann


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[blisstwins]

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I wouldn't do that for infertility, but I have and would for adoption.

Curious...can I ask why?

[Melaine]

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Curious...can I ask why?[/QUOTE]

I just wouldn't feel inclined to contribute for something so expensive, when there is such a need for loving adoptive families. I don't think there is anything wrong with building a family through surrogacy, but I personally don't feel it's a "good cause" the way I do about adoption.

ETA: I should add that money is very tight for us so we can't contribute to every cause that comes our way. I feel very strongly about adoption though.

[JBaxter]

They would have to very close to me ( sibling or child) Then it would depend on if it seemed like they were trying ( 2nd jobs etc) But like some of the others I would be more inclined to donate for adoption than surrogacy. I know adoption can be more solid of a venture than surrogacy. But thats my opinion.

[blisstwins]

I asked the follow up because my views on this changed so so much while I was going through infertility. I had always assumed I would adopt and I was blindsided by how strong my desire to have a biological child was. My husband and I went through counseling through RESOLVE and through that the point was made that adoption should never be done to "save a child," etc. I don't denigrate adoption at all and if a few things were different I would consider adopting now, and I know I would be thrilled if one of my children ever decided to adopt. Though I believe with all my heart that a biological child and an adopted child are absolute equals in every way, they are nevertheless different. If someone feels called to have a biological child I really do think they are doing a disservice by adopting. What I mean by that is that an adopted child should feel like the first choice and it takes couples some time to get there once they have been through IF, and some never do get there. I also think adopted children should never feel like they were saved by adoption. Chosen yes, a good cause no.

I know this sounds harsh, but it is something I went through and we very surprised by the evolution of my own feelings. I guess that is why I don't find this request unreasonable.

[Melaine]

What I mean by that is that an adopted child should feel like the first choice and it takes couples some time to get there once they have been through IF, and some never do get there. I also think adopted children should never feel like they were saved by adoption. Chosen yes, a good cause no.

I certainly agree completely with all of this. And no one should adopt in order to do a good deed. As a bystander, however, contributing to adoption efforts of an acquaintance is certainly a "good cause". I didn't mean adopting itself was an act of charity...I hope my comment didn't come across that way.

Of course the means to building your family are completely personal and I respect that. But my choice in the matter is also personal and I can't imagine that I would choose to help fund a pregnancy via surrogacy. If it was my sister I might be willing to BE a surrogate but that's a totally different topic, obviously.

[specialp]

I would give whatever amount you both agree on - $100-$200 it looks like - which will not cause resentment later on. It is a generous gift and I am sure the couple would not want any money from you if it wasn’t coming from a good place or causing issues with you. If you and DH continue to disagree, remind him of all your expenses and that you can always give more later on.

In the right circumstances and relationship, I would personally much rather give to someone in this situation desperately trying and saving to start a family than another person’s 2nd, 3rd, 4th kid baby shower. It might not be life threatening, but it is terribly depressing and life altering and one of those situations where if you are unfortunate enough to be dealt the hand which physically bars you from having children, you had better be fortunate enough to have $$$$ to overcome it -whether that means to actually have or adopt a child or the counseling needed to accept you never will. I have also been asked to contribute to an adoption fund where I was a little surprised and felt like the couple was relying more on others than their own means so when you do ask for money, you are opening yourself up to that type of scrutiny. So I personally wouldn't do it unless like pp said, I had 2nd job, no extras, and doing everything in my power, etc. You said she has had a lot of medical issues. I wonder if it is possible that some of those will prevent her or make it more difficult for her to adopt. I'm not implying that should be the first option, but wondering.

[blisstwins]

Melaine--I hear you. I am just very tuned into all the language and nuance around this because until you have experienced IF you cannot understand it. I was so blindsided and sad. I felt forsaken by God, defective, counted out of life. I did do IVF and I got VERY lucky--after 2+ years of other methods. I never thought I would do anything more than clomid. I did feel judged while I was already in such a fragile state, so while no one ever has to give money to fund someone else's life choices I guess my point is that this is an area where I would give a wide berth when it comes to judging the decisions a family makes.

[BabyBearsMom]

It depends on who it was. If it was my sister, I would give her every penny I have. If it were a cousin or similar, a few hundred dollars or whatever I could afford to give without missing it. The year of trying for DD1 was the hardest of my life and I would do anything to keep someone I love from going through that.

[icunurse]

They would have to very close to me ( sibling or child) Then it would depend on if it seemed like they were trying ( 2nd jobs etc) But like some of the others I would be more inclined to donate for adoption than surrogacy. I know adoption can be more solid of a venture than surrogacy. But thats my opinion.

I tend to agree with this. As an adoptive mom, I never considered surrogacy. Besides the insane costs, biology wasn't nearly as important to me as just being a Mom. And while I am sure that contracts adjust from place to place or even state to state, the agency we used only has you pay fees as things happen (meaning when an adoption didn't work, we didn't lose any money). So, again this was for us, we could pay $45k for biology, losing money along the way for more procedures, bigger issues (surrogate on bedrest, etc) or a new surrogate if things didn't work out vs 25k total for adoption (and that is a pricier number).

I know people who have done surrogacy because they had cancer treatment and would never get pregnant. I also know people who did it for biology or for the feeling that they had more control compared to adoption. I am not a fan of it, but I also would never tell someone who simply wants to be a parent that I don't agree with it and they should "just adopt". Also, to kindly correct a PP, adopted children aren't "chosen", we don't pick them out of a catalog. They arrive to our family in a different way.

Anyway, if I were asked for money, I would give what I could so that no one has to experience the pain of not being a parent. But it would also be a one-time gift. If you haven't been through it, I mean really through it, you have no idea how truly horrible and life-altering it is. It might not be cancer, but it sure as heck isn't a tummy tuck, either.

[barkley1]

A distant friend of mine asked for money to help fund an adoption. Repeatedly. At home parties for this and that, yard sales to benefit the cause, baby showers, then straight up...here's my Paypal address, donate of you can. She was a single person at the time, and a teacher. So, I bought some pampered chef or something, and chipped in on a wagon for the little boy for her shower. All the while, I had just been through IF and financing it all myself (with DH of course) including planning for IVF bc clomid and femara weren't working (didn't get to that point thank goodness, though!) But, I was thrilled for her and wanted to help.

A year later, she gets married and a year after that, they decide to adopt again (both not domestically if that matters....I don't know how the financial obligations compare). Well, so here she goes AGAIN with the fundraising. I was really appalled. Flame me if you want, but I thought it was super tacky and almost an insult to those that helped her before....like she's just using us all. Why? Because she was married now. Two family income. And she is already a mother. If they can't afford it (like a LOT of people), maybe you shouldn't do it. Who would ever donate money to me for IVF for a second baby? I wouldn't dream of asking. Just seems ungrateful....both for what you already have, and for what help you were given already.

[AngB]

They would have to very close to me ( sibling or child) Then it would depend on if it seemed like they were trying ( 2nd jobs etc) But like some of the others I would be more inclined to donate for adoption than surrogacy. I know adoption can be more solid of a venture than surrogacy. But thats my opinion.

Adoption is just as expensive as infertility in many cases and no more of a guarantee. I know a couple people who have had failed private adoptions. (One that had the baby home with them for 2 weeks and then had to give him back.And they lost over 10k in fees for it.)

[sste]

I just wanted to add that I was someone that was always pro-adoption (and still am) but we decided it was not our first choice path for a variety of reasons. We did not get that far down the adoption path, but I did talk to a number of agencies and consultants. It was sort of a cold dose of reality for me -- again my experiences is not everyone's.

First, cost was much larger than I thought, admittedly we wanted a kid in two years or less so as not to have a huge spacing between older two and youngest. I was looking at 35k or more. Significant portions of that money varying from 10-15k were "at risk" meaning the adoption could never occur, fall through, mother takes kid back and you would not get that portion of the money back!! ** As I mentioned from a pure financial standpoint, it is now cheaper if you are savvy about it to do donor egg/no surrogate/h's sperm -- this trend is only going to continue and I think it is going to change the face of adoption in the next ten years.**

Second, I am a control freak and it drove me ballistic to have other people "deciding my fate." It did not help that early in the process we met a few real *sshats in the adoption industry. There are people who work in adoption who know they are working with desperate want to be parents and really treat them horribly . . . because they can. It is not a majority of course I am not saying that! But run across a couple of them and you start thinking hard about my aforementioned point - - egg donor is cheaper if you do it right.

Third, it is not so simple as adoption=morally good. In alot of cases babies are not staying with parents who want them and love them because those parents have less money than you and me. This can be a big issue in international adoption. I am not saying those adoptions shouldn't happen because being raised in starvation-level poverty is not a good outcome either. But I was heartsick over this and felt that the odds were significant that if that was what my adoption placement looked like I would feel morally obligated to give a chunk of my life's savings to the poor family so they could keep their child.

Fourth, race is a big issue. We were fine with kids of a different race/ethnicity from our own race (btw, there is a substantial discount at many agencies for children of color, another morally troubling fact of adoption). In fact I felt like it was repugnant to specify a racial preference -- kind of private discrimination -- and I would have certainly ended up with an af-am/bi racial child they are the hardest for agencies to place. Fine with me. Talked to my af. am colleagues who I am friends with, much mutual fondness. They were aghast and told me as nicely as they could that race matters and I would not be equipped to raise an af-am child. Now that is probably taking it far but they were right it *can* be a very complicated path. This whole piece really stressed me out.

I also think -- and have posted in the past -- about what I see as a troubling lack of regulation in the "ivf industry." So I am not saying that is all sunshine and roses in IVF land either. I just want to point out that there are reasons even apart from genetics that people go the ivf/fertility route. Thankfully in our case we got pregnant naturally during our IVF workup (which btw showed me to be resoundingly infertile, numbers and labs were all awful :) ).

[blisstwins]

I should also add for us fertility and IVF were covered by state mandate, as they should have been. I was in my early 30s and had a medical problem (endometriosis). We started out interested in adoption, but money would have been a huge issue and we consulted an agency to get a home study and they told us we would fail it. I was finishing my PhD and my husband was doing a medical fellowship. We had used our savings to buy a modest, 1 bedroom apartment because we did not think we would try to have a family so soon and if we did the baby could share our room. The agency said that we needed to show a separate room for the baby. Getting a 2 bedroom would have been financially irresponsible and it should have been clear to anyone that our student-like situation was temporary. I had gone to a meeting, followed up with the agency, and was told we could not provide well-enough. I cried for days feeling like not only was my body not good enough to reproduce, but yet another force in the universe had counted me out of parenthood. Take that feeling+free fertility treatments and it is easy, with hindsight, to see why we chose our path.

I tell this to add to the adoption is not always that easy and there is a lot of stuff that goes on you may never know about. Families go through a lot. If anyway does not want to support a family they should not, but if you think they would be good parents I so feel like this is an occasion to reserve judgement.

[Chitowngirl]

Me best friend in the whole world is going through ivf. 1 year and 2 miscarriages later she is still trying. She has spent a fortune. She has never asked me for a penny and I have offered to help many times. Since she won't take my money I try to help in other ways such as being the one to treat if we go out to dinner or surprising her with a new coat on her birthday when I knew she needed one but was trying to save her money. To echo a PP, my heart breaks for her that she wants so badly what some others are able to achieve without much effort. I would do anything to help her.

I wonder if the asking for money is part of the problem. I've been approached about money by other people about other issues and sometimes I feel resentful and put on the spot. I try to be generous with friends and family, but no one wants to be taken advantage of. I think a second issue is that OP isn't close to this person. If she were I think it would be easier to help and feel good about doing it - again, no one wants to be taken advantage of and no one wants to watch a loved one suffer if they are in a position to help (either financially or otherwise).

[trcy]

I like the idea of giving an amount that is a compromise between what you and your DH want to donate. Money is very tight for us, so if we were in your position we would not be able to donate at all. As far as my opinion on this, I know several people that have gone through (or are currently going through) infertility. It is heartbreaking. One of those people told me she did not want want to go through adoption, because she was concerned about not having "control" of the pregnancy...drug/alcohol use, ect. I think a couple's choice on how to build their family is completely up to them, there is no right or wrong answer. The choice to donate, however, is completely up to your family. Again, no right or wrong answer. Good luck!

[magnoliaparadise]

Definitely not "normal," but going through infertility was the single most painful experience of my life. I have no idea what resources they depleted getting to this point and a lot of how I responded would depend on other things: eg, do they take a lot of luxury vacations and drive nice cars, waste money, etc. or are these people for whom money can solve a problem? Ultimately there are problems one can solve with money and problems that it cannot. If helping them is possible and are they decent, not exploitative people, I would help them if I could.

I didn't read the entire thread, so OP, you may have already responded, but what Blisstwins said is perfectly said, right down to the thoughts about infertility... those who don't have to go through infertility treatment and just assume when they see a pregnant woman on the street that they will be pregnant too, someday, and that they will have a child of their own just can't understand how painful infertility is. I have two perfect kids now and am very happy, but even now, I have memories of how painful it was emotionally. And all the more sad back then because I didn't know I would end up with any children at all. It is SO much harder than you can ever imagine. I SO feel for your relative.
So I would give personally. But yes, if she is using her own money unwisely, going on extravagant vacations, that would give me pause before I gave her mine.

[indigo99]

For me, it would depend on how I felt about the couple probably. Do you feel like they have better options on how to have a child or raise the money to have one? Children are technically optional so it isn't the same as medical treatments. However, I happen to think that family /relationships are basically our main reason for living. Anyone who wants a child and is in a position to be a good parent should have the opportunity IMO so it would be hard for me not to help them out if I really felt like they needed it in order to have a child.

[MamaMolly]

Hi, my name is Molly and I'm a weirdo. :) We have Dolly thanks to the immense generosity of MIL. FWIW she offered and we took her up on it. She could spit in my eye and she'd still be the best MIL on God's green Earth.

[Cam&Clay]

Hi, my name is Molly and I'm a weirdo. :) We have Dolly thanks to the immense generosity of MIL. FWIW she offered and we took her up on it. She could spit in my eye and she'd still be the best MIL on God's green Earth.

I think this is very different. You weren't soliciting for help from friends and co-workers. Family helped you out, which is wonderful.

[Kindra178]

I would settle on an amount with Dh, but I guess I am cold-hearted because I don't see this as a necessary expense and would not personally want to give any money. The desire to have children can be painful and all consuming if unfulfilled, but I don't see this as something a family needs to rally around and help fix. I do not put it on par with medical expenses like cancer treatments or a motorized wheelchair, etc.

Agree. Having a child is discretionary.

[PZMommy]

I went through IF and it was so heartbreaking. I am so blessed to finally have my two little guys. I don't think that anyone that hasn't been through it, can fully understand just how painful of an experience it is. My BIL and his wife have tried for nearly ten years to have a baby. They have been through numerous failed IVFs and failed adoptions. They recently requested money for one more more IVF round with a different specialist. Unfortunately is was not successful. We did contribute money to them, and having gone through IF ourselves, it was a no brainer.

[musicalgrl]

I have a friend who successfully used a surrogate. They went through multiple tries over the course of a year +. Their cost was nowhere near $20k - it was many multiples of that. Each attempt was expensive. They were responsible for paying for absolutely everything from insurance, to maternity clothes (!) to individual office visits. The amounts being discussed here - $200, $500, to even several thousand dollars would not have been a drop in the bucket for them. I'm just wondering if they'll be able to raise all of the money they could possibly need?

[Katia]

I guess I don't see it as much different from the many other ways people ask for or receive help: kids' school fundraisers, pledging to contribute money for someone running a race, bringing meals for a family going through a tough time, weddings, showers, gift registries, etc. It's not always convenient, it's not always for something I personally value (I cringe when I see expensive crystal on a wedding registry) but it's up to me to decide if and how I'll contribute.

Infertility is one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and ultimately I was really, really lucky. For me, it was also incredibly isolating because I chose not to share it with many people until my kids were born. Part of the reason was fear of being judged, and reading some of the comments here...well, yeah, I'm reminded of why I chose to be private about things. So I guess I see this family member asking for help as a really great thing, too -- that she's comfortable enough to reach out and ask for help.

[citymama]

A private discussion between immediate family members is one thing. I can totally see my ILs helping SIL out significantly (if not entirely) if she decided to adopt (I believe they did for her IVF treatment). But a broadcast request out to general family and friends is different, IMO. It's like a kickstarter or crowdsourcing approach to covering expenses. I wouldn't do it myself, but I can't say I would judge someone who did. That is such a tough situation to be in. I would consider it an up-front baby shower gift!

[Pennylane]

Hi, my name is Molly and I'm a weirdo. :) We have Dolly thanks to the immense generosity of MIL. FWIW she offered and we took her up on it. She could spit in my eye and she'd still be the best MIL on God's green Earth.

That is wonderful and I don't think it is the same as the situation I am talking about. I think it is fine to have family offer to help. I guess I just don't see asking friends or even extended family for money. They are a very nice couple and I am happy to help but I do not feel obligated to give a large amount of money because they are family.

Ann

[MelissaTC]

Huh. I've been thinking a lot about this thread. We suffer from IF. M was conceived using ART and we have been in the process of adopting a NSN child from China. We have never asked anyone to help us. Our insurance covered ART and would have covered two IVF cycles. We tend to do things on our own anyway. I would never ask anyone to help cover our costs for anything unless we were in dire straits. Just not our style.

Having said that, I would do whatever I could to support my sisters and kid.

[brittone2]

Huh. I've been thinking a lot about this thread. We suffer from IF. M was conceived using ART and we have been in the process of adopting a NSN child from China. We have never asked anyone to help us. Our insurance covered ART and would have covered two IVF cycles. We tend to do things on our own anyway. I would never ask anyone to help cover our costs for anything unless we were in dire straits. Just not our style.

Having said that, I would do whatever I could to support my sisters and kid.

I can relate to this and other posts upthread from those who have experienced IF . We went through IF, and we were very fortunate to have great medical coverage, including 3 IVF cycles fully covered had we needed them. We were able to conceive my DS1 with injectables and IUI, and my next two children were conceived without ART. I remember all too clearly how *dark* those days of IF were. I mean, it was soul-crushing at the time, TBH. The entire process can feel so demoralizing, and then even in treatment you can feel sort of like you are just being funneled through an impersonal system.

We did not and would not have asked anyone for financial assistance. As Melissa said, it would be very much outside of our comfort zone to ask. However, if a close family member needed help, we would contribute what we were able to swing financially.

I was mid 20s at the time, didn't really tell friends and family when we were going through IF, as I just could not deal with the "relax and it will happen" and all of the other well-meaning but misguided and hurtful comments. In retrospect, that was a mistake, as DH and I really needed a support system. It was a tough time in our lives. I was working in early intervention, surrounded by kids, some from homes and families that made me feel resentful that I couldn't conceive a child of my own...not a good place to be emotionally.

It is so hard to know when to call it quits with ttc with IF...we've had friends and acquaintances take out 2nd mortgages, etc. and then struggle when IVF 4, 5, 6 failed, leaving them struggling to come up with money when they decided to move to adoption. Many people would criticize not moving on sooner, etc. but the whole IF situation is so complex emotionally, financially, etc. and when you are in throes of it...there are no words, really, for how hard it is. It is difficult to know when to say enough, let's stop treatment, or let's adopt, let's e-evaluate, whatever. From the outside it may seem a lot simpler, but in the trenches, it is extremely difficult.

[jren]

We also went through IF treatments, multiple IVFs thankfully covered by insurance. Then we discussed donor egg (not covered by insurance) and adoption. We ultimately adopted. I knew other adoptive families at the time who were fundraising through our church. I was never comfortable with it for myself, just don't feel it's anyone else's responsibility.

BUT... We were incredibly lucky that we had the ability to access funds. We adopted twice over a five year period, with costs exceeding $65K. We used a combination of a gift from a family member, 401(k) withdrawal, and HELOC. Our last adoption was funded fully by the HELOC, and it was the more expensive of the two. The day we went to the bank to get the certified check was the day the housing market crashed. Thankfully, we already had the HELOC set up and approved, because our equity was gone! Not everyone is so lucky. I really feel for those wanting a child, but unable to afford the costs of treatments or adoption. I wouldn't be offended to be asked, but I wouldn't feel obligated to give. I doubt they expect everyone they ask to give. Or anyone for that matter. Likely, they are just desperate for any help they can get.


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[sunnyside]

I agree and disagree. I consider it more medical expenses then something extraneous. If people were fundraising medical expenses for cancer treatment, would you feel the same? I mean, for them, it is probably like 20k'ish to just have ONE child, if they are successful, something most people get for free. That's a lot more then just a broken radiator in their car or something. It's not your responsibility, but it is a nice thing to do. (When I thought we may have to do IVF, I would have done it in a cheaper country--they call it 'ivf-cations' before I would have asked for donations, but that's me personally. We definitely would not have been able to afford it and had no insurance infertility coverage. DH has since changed jobs and we now do have amazing insurance that covers infertility including IVF.)

It sounds like they may be his direct relatives? Could you compromise and donate like $300 or 400?--slightly more than you want and slightly less than he wants.

It is money for medical expenses. I personally would always donate in these cases. I think it is very hard for some people without fertility problems to really understand the despair and heartache and financial devastation it causes. I love when I see people reaching out to their friends and family for help to lighten the load. It won't cover everything, but can really help a lot. I personally would try to let your DH donate that money. I don't equate it in the same way as "lots of things that come up in life". There is a ticking clock and it is always better to move forward sooner rather than later if using your own eggs. Insurance almost never covers fertility issues. It's not something that is easy to fund and save up for. I would try to have compassion for their situation, especially if this is your DH's family and he wants to contribute.

[sunnyside]

I didn't read the entire thread, so OP, you may have already responded, but what Blisstwins said is perfectly said, right down to the thoughts about infertility... those who don't have to go through infertility treatment and just assume when they see a pregnant woman on the street that they will be pregnant too, someday, and that they will have a child of their own just can't understand how painful infertility is. I have two perfect kids now and am very happy, but even now, I have memories of how painful it was emotionally. And all the more sad back then because I didn't know I would end up with any children at all. It is SO much harder than you can ever imagine. I SO feel for your relative.
So I would give personally. But yes, if she is using her own money unwisely, going on extravagant vacations, that would give me pause before I gave her mine.

This exactly.

[ahisma]

Having been through infertility myself, I would absolutely donate what we could afford to give. I don't know that I would have chosen to ask for donations myself, but I don't feel that it's my place to judge the choices that others make in the midst of painful situations.

As an aside, with her health issues it's very likely that adoption isn't an option for them.

[sunnyside]

I guess I don't see it as much different from the many other ways people ask for or receive help: kids' school fundraisers, pledging to contribute money for someone running a race, bringing meals for a family going through a tough time, weddings, showers, gift registries, etc. It's not always convenient, it's not always for something I personally value (I cringe when I see expensive crystal on a wedding registry) but it's up to me to decide if and how I'll contribute.

Infertility is one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and ultimately I was really, really lucky. For me, it was also incredibly isolating because I chose not to share it with many people until my kids were born. Part of the reason was fear of being judged, and reading some of the comments here...well, yeah, I'm reminded of why I chose to be private about things. So I guess I see this family member asking for help as a really great thing, too -- that she's comfortable enough to reach out and ask for help.

This mirrors my thoughts.