Anyone else have too many "good" things in your life?

[bisous]

We have too much going on. Much of that is really fun, good, positive stuff. It leaves me completely busy and crazy all the time, though! And as a result, I'm waking up with dread.

What do you do when your life is full of too many things and many of them are actually GOOD things? Like too many play dates, service activities, school activities, social occasions, family parties, after school activities, etc? I love ALL of these things. But because we do everything we miss out on things that I also love like reading to my kids, family board games, lazy Saturday mornings, snuggling with my infant (my last one at that!), etc. Let's not even talk about home cooked meals and a clean house! I feel like I have to make some decisions to say no to good things. And I'm really unsettled about how to do this! I realize too that I've been doing lots of things for other people in the past few months--friends who have major life events and that I've provided meals or babysitting or a lunch out or whatever! I feel like of all the things I've done THOSE have been among the most rewarding to me. BUT they take their toll on my family time too.

Has anyone been in this position? What did you do? What did you end up "choosing" to do for your family?

Also, I wanted to add that we have plenty of not great things in our life too. Like my oldest DS has ADHD and type 1 diabetes. And my DS3 has sensory needs. Oh and we have extraordinary student loan debt, etc. I just didn't want this to come off as too "poor me" post. Thing is, I can't change most of the bad stuff but I CAN change the good things, if that makes sense.

TIA,

Jen

[twowhat?]

LOL, before I opened the thread I was thinking something entirely different. I was going to say that feel like I have "too many good things" in my life in the sense that I think we're more fortunate than a lot of people. Nice house, good jobs, healthy kids, family lives nearby and are currently healthy, can afford fun vacations, never have to worry about budget when grocery shopping, etc. Like sometimes I feel like things should be harder for us. Yes, we've worked hard but I also think we've been fortunate. I mean we have "bad things" as well but what's interesting is that I didn't even think of any until I made myself think about it!

But you mean more things in your schedule that you enjoy but are becoming overwhelming and taking away from other things that you want. I would think about what you can cut out. We do very little of what you list. Occasional bday party or playdate here and there but we're all homebodies and weekends are for chilling at home, relaxing, or doing things like shopping at a leisurely pace. We don't even have the girls enrolled in a class outside of school right now. That may change but right now we need our downtime. I do sometimes offer to help friends and friends but they also know they can call on me in an emergency and I will gladly help out. I just don't advertise it:) This week I took a take-out lunch to a friend who just had a baby. No home cooking going on there, and I wanted to see her and the baby anyway and the restaurant was on the way so no "extra" time loss.

For you it really sounds like figuring out where the happy medium is and the most obvious places to start are activities and helping others. It sucks to have to say no, but start small: don't offer. It sounds mean, but if you don't offer to begin with, there is no expectation. Be careful in what you offer...for example taking a meal to a family who had a new baby vs taking a meal to a family dealing with a health emergency...I'd pick the health emergency one. Or choose things that take less time. If finances allow, an e-gift certificate to the family who had a new baby would be just as appreciated as a home-cooked meal that would take you a couple hours to prep and bring over. For activities maybe start by cutting out just one each week.

Good luck! :)

[lmh2402]

in a nutshell, yes.

our weekends pretty much suck and are the opposite of relaxing - they are scheduled to the n-th degree with birthday parties and sports stuff.

it always sounds so fun and so we keep signing up for things. but then the execution often becomes painful b/c I really, REALLY want to have a weekend morning when we don't have to run for something.

almost all of these things involve only DS, except for swimming which is both kids. I've managed to contain DD's other activities to weekday mornings, which is much more enjoyable.

I'm thinking/hoping that summer will bring some peace b/c we will have at least two less activities for sure on the weekends - both ice skating and tball will be over at the end of May.

[brittone2]

We are good at saying no. DH and I both need family downtime, so we try to protect some of our time, and we say no to some things, even if they'd be fun. I'm an introvert, as is DH, so we don't recharge when we run, run, run all weekend long. As it is, sometimes on weekends we have enough errands, etc. to keep us busy. There are times we don't do parties, or skip getting together with family, etc. because we need time at home, or time to catch up on projects at home, for example.

[elektra]

I would count my blessings and keep on truckin'!

[polkadots&moonbeams]

You have to find a balance. I don't know if the childrens' ADHD and sensory needs become more pronounced with more family activity, but as a mom of 2 ADHD kiddos I know that we need both the activity and the down time. Too much activity and they become overstimulated and irritable. Too much quiet time and they become bored and irritable. How to do it...well, that is unique to your family but don't discount the importance of the book reading and the snuggling!

[sste]

bisous, there is too much of a good thing!

We aim for one relatively unscheduled weekend day for mental health reasons -- though it is getting harder as the kids age and activities proliferate. And I don't have four!

I would focus on efficiency as well as cutting stuff:
1. Do you have an extra freezer? If so why not make a mega huge batch of something that freezes for a really long time -- scones, cookies, chili -- divide it into batches and have your next six months covered for helping out friends. Due to freezer space, I might consider some sort of savory scone type thing or a dehydrated soup or chili they can add water to.

2. Can your DH take over anything? Tuesday night my DH takes the kids to swim. Sometimes I go, sometimes not but it is his thing to be in charge of. We found a large center where we can get both older kids' lessons at the same time.

3. Can you combine gym time with activity time? Saturday AM DH drops DS at a y sports program, DD at the Y daycare, and goes himself to exercise for an hour. I sleep in. :)

4. Can any lessons occur at your house? Sunday morning the piano teacher comes to our house at 830am which leaves the rest of the day. My goal is to move this to a weekday to get my totally unscheduled weekend day. But this year we have to do it sunday as DS was too tired after kindy. DS and I both take lessons and in one more year DD will start. So again consolidated!

5. How big is your geographic radius? If you are at the future at a "move point" try to make your geographic radius as small as possible! We have two full time jobs, kids etc and it makes a big dif. in parental wear and tear. We bought a house because it was two blocks from our beloved elementary which also contracts with great outside theater/TKD/etc providers for afterschool lessons, walking distance to two preschools, walking distance to the Y where the kids take swim, and walking distance to public transport. We are walking distance to the temple we just joined too. We sucked up some 80s bathrooms because we figured that can be changed.

HTH.

[hillview]

honestly we are pretty lean on activities esp weekends and dinner time weekdays. To me dinner together, down time, playing in the back yard are more important than a lot of things. The kids play with the neighbors on weekends but we don't ever really do play dates (maybe 1-2 times a year) outside of neighbors. We formally have friends over a few times a year but invite neighbors over for a pizza once a month or more. I don't usually do kids activities that end at 6 pm because that cuts into dinner at home time (exceptions are made for school plays etc but my starting point is no). When I am not traveling the kids, usually DH and I eat at 515 or 530. This is my priority also bed time is a priority for us. Weekends are soccer for the boys and therapy session for DS2 and DH and I try to get to the gym on occasion. The rest of the weekend is fun time with usually just family or playing in the neighborhood with the other kids for the kids. I like this for us. I don't feel over scheduled. DH and I both work full time jobs that require travel.

Regarding meals, I have a meal plan and it is usually simple this week was:
Pancakes and bacon (DH was traveling)
Hamburgers and hot dogs
DH and I were out so we got burritos to go for the babysitter
Grilled chicken (pre marinated, I grilled it)
Tonight we go out to a local place (almost every Friday we do this)

[WatchingThemGrow]

I will be following this thread for good advice! Lots of good stuff to do in our area, tons of amazing events at our church, monthly cool activities at our school, plus family members on 3 sides (18 ppl within 3 hours of us) so someone is always visiting /celebrating, etc. if we are ever at home, we have sweet, low key but social neighbors we love to get together with. It's like the fun never ends. DH needs downtime as the kids get some after school , but he is at work then. We do prioritize an early dinner and bedtime, but next week, for example, all our extra curriculars have ended, but we still have a Sunday school dinner group, a meal with DH'a boss probably at our house, and our beloved preschool picnic dinner, then a campout at our pool, then DD's bday dinner with the grandparents that's 5 nights in a row!!!


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[niccig]

It doesn't have to be every weekend but how about next weekend, if someone suggests a play date or an outing or SOMETHING on Saturday or Sunday morning, you say "No, we have plans" and those plans are to have a lazy morning. Do the same for a weekday afternoon, say No and spend it at home with the kids reading and snuggling.

I've also said no to regular things. There'll be time later when things aren't so crazy eg. DS's music lessons. He can start lessons through school next year, so he'll do that, but I can't get him to an after school lesson right now. We'll add that in when we can.

[Indianamom2]

We are good at saying no. DH and I both need family downtime, so we try to protect some of our time, and we say no to some things, even if they'd be fun. I'm an introvert, as is DH, so we don't recharge when we run, run, run all weekend long. As it is, sometimes on weekends we have enough errands, etc. to keep us busy. There are times we don't do parties, or skip getting together with family, etc. because we need time at home, or time to catch up on projects at home, for example.

This is us too. Dh is a definite introvert and I am somewhat of one. We need our downtime and "away from everybody else" time. We do a few things that we need to do or can all agree on, but otherwise we're home.

This has been quite a while ago now, but back in my junior year of college, I learned my limitations and subsequently how to say "no" to even good things. I had so many "good" commitments that I became the beginning of my anxiety disorder. I couldn't sleep, I lost weight that I didn't have to lose at the time. In short, I was miserable from all the "good". In the end, I made some people mad when I had to quit things at the end of the year (when thinking about the coming year) but I was a much more sane person after that. I learned a valuable lesson that year and never forgot it.

[specialp]

We have a limit of no more than 2 extra/not regular evening things on weekday nights and I need at least 1 day a month on the weekend where we have nothing planned (which is this Sunday and I am needing it.). That's sort of my sweet spot because we like doing a lot of things, but we need some just us time, too. I live by my calendar so there will be things that are must dos on there well in advance and the other stuff is sort of first come basis if that makes sense. If I already have 2 things that week or there's only one weekend day left open that month, we decline. Fall to January seems to be the tightest time for us so it usually isn't a problem the rest of year. For dinner, we eat frozen meals I've already made those 2 weekday nights. Other nights I will double or triple batch something and freeze it so there is always about 10 meals or meal starters in my freezer.

The thing is I will eventually become resentful, start snapping and getting short tempered w/ my own family if I do not have those breaks in place because I - and I think most people - need down time.

[TwinFoxes]

I use a magic phrase "ooh, no sorry we can't".

As as for prioritizing, first come first served. We have a max of two things a day on weekends. I don't feel the need to go to everything, "good" or not. I was a social butterfly pre-kids, I went out all the time. Maybe that's why I don't feel I can't miss an event. I'd rather stay home and do family movie night. We aren't anti-social, we just like "we" time.

[GoBlue]

We have a few families that we're very good friends with (met when our kids were in the baby room in day care) and we schedule monthly-ish get togethers with those families. Otherwise, we schedule grandparent time, and that is IT for weekends. We only rarely accept invitations to class birthday parties, unless the child is a good friend of one of our kids (and by good friend, I mean we've had many playdates over the years, or DH and I are friends with the parents). I'm just not killing an entire weekend day for a random kid's birthday, and my kids can't handle jam packed weekends. We did ballet for DD on Saturday mornings about a year ago, and getting her out of the house was so painful that I wasn't sad when the studio closed. We're doing swimming lessons for DD1 starting this summer, but after camp on a weekday. In the fall we will do swim for both on a weekend AM, but the swim school is just up the block and we can walk (and this is a non-negotiable safety skill for me). Otherwise, we would much rather spend relaxed time as a family, go to the zoo, go for a walk, plant flowers, go to the park, etc. I plan to avoid organized sports like the plague.....

[bisous]

Thank you for all the responses. I really appreciate them. So many good thoughts in there!

I actually am not sure if I'm an introvert or an extrovert. Frankly I feel energized being with people and being alone! In some ways, it isn't that I'm feeling too frantic but rather that I'm just failing at meeting obligations to my family. DD needs snuggle time. All my others had it and in spades. And its so FUN for me to do! DS3 NEEDS downtime and puzzles and playdough and all those great toddler creative needs. DS2 needs me to read to him more! I am getting the bare minimum 15 minutes per day with him and I love to read aloud to kids! Despite the fact that DS1 takes a good proportion of my time ANYWAY, he could still benefit from more of my time.

And the house, oh the house. I wish I could just function in chaos and clutter but I just can't. My family, including my husband, doesn't seem to mind a mess but I find it soul quenching. We live in 1200 square feet. Easy to keep clean, right? But tough to keep "stuff" in order. Older kids don't help enough. I should teach them, but with what time?

I think my problem is that when it comes time to scheduling things, my true needs--basically time with kids developing relationships and skills and my silly need to keep a clean house, always get pushed aside by events that are less important but that have a date and a time. I need to find a graceful way to explain that we are busy. I just hope that nobody asks what we are doing because I think that the excuse that we can't attend a b-day party because I need to snuggle my baby and organize my pantry probably wouldn't make the birthday child feel very special. So I say yes to everything and everyone. I feel grateful that my life is full and I don't know how to cut it back.

I like some of the ideas here about that. Like keeping one day of each weekend free. I think I need to be more efficient at getting errands and chores done during the week so our weekend isn't consumed with that kind of thing! (I think that might get easier as DD starts going to sleep earlier in the evening--she's often still up until 10!) I do need to know how to say no. I like the idea of two things a day on the weekend. Maybe I'll even make sure that one of those things includes a quality FAMILY activity that might be a little flexible.

[bisous]

I just want to say, I'm just poring over this thread. Its so full of suggestions. I think I already feel a little bit of release thinking about limiting our activity load and that makes me happy. :)

[bisous]

Also, has anyone ever just tried to have a crazy, breakneck pace during the week and more relaxing weekend or the reverse. I think we just need SOME breathing room in our schedule. Right now we're crazy during the week AND crazy during the weekends!

[TwinFoxes]

I think my problem is that when it comes time to scheduling things, my true needs--basically time with kids developing relationships and skills and my silly need to keep a clean house, always get pushed aside by events that are less important but that have a date and a time. I need to find a graceful way to explain that we are busy. I just hope that nobody asks what we are doing because I think that the excuse that we can't attend a b-day party because I need to snuggle my baby and organize my pantry probably wouldn't make the birthday child feel very special. So I say yes to everything and everyone. I feel grateful that my life is full and I don't know how to cut it back.

I think you're projecting way too much importance on your attendance...do people really ask you why you can't go? Just say "we are totally slammed that week". No one needs an account of what you're doing each hour of the day. Maybe the birthday child won't "feel special", but your own kids will! It sounds like your quality of life is suffering because you can't say "no". Declining an invitation is not an insult. :)

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think you're projecting way too much importance on your attendance...do people really ask you why you can't go? Just say "we are totally slammed that week". No one needs an account of what you're doing each hour of the day. Maybe the birthday child won't "feel special", but your own kids will! It sounds like your quality of life is suffering because you can't say "no". Declining an invitation is not an insult. :)

:yeahthat:

As someone who used to say yes to just about everything, I have realized in the past few months that it really isn't necessary. Think about parties you have hosted and, unless it is the absolute BFF, you might think how it'd have been nice if so-and-so could be there but then you and b-day kid are happy being with those that are there. At least that's how I am. And, it matters how you decline the invite- heck, I just mean to RSVP. :) I recently hosted something and most people that couldn't come wrote a quick, "I'm sorry I can't be there! Sounds like fun!". Works for me and I carried on with my day.

It really is ok to say no and it feels good sometimes. :)

eta- and is it really on you to make the b-day kid feel special, when it isn;t your kid? Not really. And I bet that their family can adequately make that happen. Yes, saying no b/c you have clean your pantry is a bad idea. Saying no because you just can't make it is fine.

[westwoodmom04]

I find that the first and last month of school are always super busy, as well as November and December. Knowing things settle down after that help. I would say that I'm like you -- half extrovert, half introvert. My kids however are both extroverts, so they want to be constantly going. Since they don't love downtime, sometimes its easier to just keep going.

[specialp]

I think you're projecting way too much importance on your attendance...do people really ask you why you can't go? Just say "we are totally slammed that week". ........... Declining an invitation is not an insult. :)


I agree. The birthday girl will still have a good time if you aren’t there. You seem to feel guilty about needing time for your family and to get things done and you shouldn’t. You seem to be surrounded a lot by friends. Do you ever mention being busy, overwhelmed, go-go-go all the time, not having enough time to get things done? Do they? I mean this is an everyday conversation with my friends. My point is it that most people have this general problem of not enough hours in the day and have to find ways to prioritize. Look at all the varied rules and methods pps have listed above. In my circle, everyone is in the same boat so to speak and are understanding of you not being able to make every event without demanding a reason. You just say you can't make it. It isn’t like you are completely dropping off the radar and not going to anything. You are just limiting how much you can do outside so that you are able to take care of your house, your family, and yourself - all of which are special and important.

[specialp]

Also, can your DH not take the kids to an invite or practice or whatever the obligation is sometime on the weekend and leave you with a couple of hours to get things done at your house? We do that all the time on the weekends. Sometimes we go without DH so he can get little projects done without “help” and sometimes DH goes (like Saturday morning swim practice was all on him) so that I can get things done. It is amazing how productive you can be when you know you have 1 hour and 30 minutes to get it done!

[twowhat?]

:saying no b/c you have clean your pantry is a bad idea. Saying no because you just can't make it is fine.

Yes, this! "We can't make it, sorry! Hope you all have a great time!" "Sorry, we have other plans. Can't wait to hear about how it went afterwards!". Anyone who pushes for more information than that is being rude. If it happens, simply say "We have a lot on our plates this weekened" and leave it at that.

[California]

I could have written your post a few years ago. What worked for us was to start holding a special family meeting once a year (usually before the school year starts) to discuss our family values, and decide on a few goals for the year. We review our regular activities and decide what to continue and what to change. We also consolidate- we have three kids, and we coordinate their classes so that they are attending different classes at the same time/same place. Going through these steps really helps us focus on what is important to us. We've done it for about three years now. We revisit it during the year and adjust. We haven't reached perfect but we've definitely found "manageable". With three kids, we will always be driving places!

I suggest you print up your original post and sit down with your DH. Get his input. Write down some family values. Then pull out your calendar and see how much it is in alignment. Figure out a few simple goals and pencil those right in. Ours have been stuff like, "Family night every Friday," "Teach DD to ride a bike," "Have DS learn how to cook dinner by having him help in the kitchen one night a week," that sort of thing. Schedule your family first. That can be stuff like, "reading and snuggling time." You have every right to want that time with your children. It is so important. Once you have this road map it becomes a lot easier to confidently say, "Oh, sorry, we already have plans." Because you know that you are doing what is best for your family.

[bisous]

I could have written your post a few years ago. What worked for us was to start holding a special family meeting once a year (usually before the school year starts) to discuss our family values, and decide on a few goals for the year. We review our regular activities and decide what to continue and what to change. We also consolidate- we have three kids, and we coordinate their classes so that they are attending different classes at the same time/same place. Going through these steps really helps us focus on what is important to us. We've done it for about three years now. We revisit it during the year and adjust. We haven't reached perfect but we've definitely found "manageable". With three kids, we will always be driving places!

I suggest you print up your original post and sit down with your DH. Get his input. Write down some family values. Then pull out your calendar and see how much it is in alignment. Figure out a few simple goals and pencil those right in. Ours have been stuff like, "Family night every Friday," "Teach DD to ride a bike," "Have DS learn how to cook dinner by having him help in the kitchen one night a week," that sort of thing. Schedule your family first. That can be stuff like, "reading and snuggling time." You have every right to want that time with your children. It is so important. Once you have this road map it becomes a lot easier to confidently say, "Oh, sorry, we already have plans." Because you know that you are doing what is best for your family.

This is an AWESOME post. Thank you. This is just what our family needs! Now I'll feel like we are expending our energy on the things most important to us (which does include our friends but other things too!) and not just running around like crazy.

Thank you all. Your tips for saying 'no' are also much appreciated. I'm sure I'm overexaggerating the impact of our presence at these various events.

This is exactly what I'm going to do with DH tonight. :)