MIL boundary issue - advice please

[atripos]

I've been having some boundary issues with my MIL and I feel like there is no one I can talk to or get advice from. So here goes...

DH and I are pregnant, about 4 months. I have been trying, whenever possible, to tell people in person, particularly close friends and family. As a result, I have not had the opportunity to tell everyone yet, as I have a close friend I am seeing in a couple of weeks, and another a few weeks after that, etc. So yesterday morning (happy mother's day to me), my MIL posts on Facebook for all to see that I am pregnant, and just to make sure everyone sees tags me in the post. She did not give myself or DH any warning that she was going to do this.

My response is that I feel kind of violated. This is my and DH's news, not hers. I have no idea what makes her think it is okay to share other people's news without at least asking them first. DH told her I was kind of upset (and had to spend the rest of the morning on the phone with all of my friends/family I hadn't told yet so Facebook would not be the way they found out). Her response was the classic, "I am sorry you are upset" apology, which basically means to me, "I am sorry YOU have a problem." Delightful.

I suppose I should have seen this coming as boundary issues have existed for a long time. MIL shows up in our driveway whenever she wants without calling first (she lives 20 minutes away). She buys us things all of the time (clothing for DD, towels, candles, vases, you name it - usually stuff she bought for herself last year and doesn't want anymore, so rather than throw it away, she dumps it on us). And she literally asks nearly every weekend to babysit DD, which we have always said yes to (and then she acts like she is doing us the favor when she asked us if she could watch her). I am wondering if us being so permissive with her visits, etc. has led her to have boundary issues about where our family (DH, DD and I) begins and her family (MIL and FIL) ends.

The main question I have is that we agreed this spring to let her watch DD one day a week in the summer (DD is in daycare 5 days a week normally). Now I am thinking I should keep her in daycare full time. Do people think this is a good idea or (as DH describes it) "too punitive"? Also, she expressed interest in retiring and watching the new baby when it is born. We hadn't made a decision yet, but now I am considering putting the baby in daycare full time too.

Thoughts?

[TwinFoxes]

I know I'm going to be in the way minority on this, but after 4 months I don't think it's crazy that your MIL would mention that you're pregnant, unless you expressly told her not to. I mean, yeah it's nice to tell people in person, but seeing a friend in a few weeks, you'll be 5 months and most likely showing, it'll be public whether you want it to be or not. I think you making a phone call to people you won't see in awhile is perfectly fine. Your MIL probably thought most people knew at this point. That's JMO.

I think not letting her watch your DD one day a week is a bit too harsh, and maybe cutting off your nose to spite your face. Plus, honestly it's not especially fair to your DD who I assume loves her grandma.

Have you ever asked her to call before stopping by? That would be the my first step. It would but me too. As for buying stuff for you, just say no thanks. It just seems like there are steps you can take between just taking what her boundary issues, and stripping her of baby sitting privileges. Once you go down that road, it will hard for your relationship to recover.

[rin]

Had she been explicitly told that you were telling people in person, and that she should keep the news of your pregnancy to herself? If it hadn't been made very explicitly clear, I could see myself assuming that at four months someone had already told people and that I could publicly congratulate them. If it had been, that is awfully frustrating!

However, I would not make any childcare plans/change any childcare plans based on that alone. TBH, changing childcare plans based on her outing you on FB seems like a disproportionate response. Changing whether I tell her sensitive information? Absolutely. Changing how much access I allow her to have to her grandchildren? I personally wouldn't. It really could come across as punitive/petty.

What I would do, though, is have a very explicit conversation about exactly who is pushing for what. The bit where you said that she asks to babysit DD and then acts as if it's a favor is what would concern me more; I don't imagine you want to pull DD out of daycare, or never register your DC2, and then have her start to try to play the childcare martyr. If you are actually open to the idea (once you and your DH have talked about it privately, of course) I would have DH say something like, "Mom, we want to make sure that our childcare arrangements are working for everyone. Before we start to make any specific plans for this summer, we want to be absolutely sure you want to be watching the kids. If this isn't something that you're 100% interested in doing, we'll keep the kids in daycare, and we can obviously make sure they both have a chance to have special time with you each week (or whatever you want to do)." That way she'll either have to explicitly state that it's something she WANTS to do, or you can just make it clear that it'd be best for the kids to be their alternate childcare arrangements.

If you and your DH decide that you aren't interested in having her watch the kids, though, I think that your DH (not you) should feel 100% comfortable just saying something about how appreciative you are that she's offered to watch the kids, but for right now you're going to keep your current childcare arrangements.

[minnie-zb]

I know I'm going to be in the way minority on this, but after 4 months I don't think it's crazy that your MIL would mention that you're pregnant, unless you expressly told her not to. I mean, yeah it's nice to tell people in person, but seeing a friend in a few weeks, you'll be 5 months and most likely showing, it'll be public whether you want it to be or not. I think you making a phone call to people you won't see in awhile is perfectly fine. Your MIL probably thought most people knew at this point. That's JMO.

I think not letting her watch your DD one day a week is a bit too harsh, and maybe cutting off your nose to spite your face. Plus, honestly it's not especially fair to your DD who I assume loves her grandma.

Have you ever asked her to call before stopping by? That would be the my first step. It would but me too. As for buying stuff for you, just say no thanks. It just seems like there are steps you can take between just taking what her boundary issues, and stripping her of baby sitting privileges. Once you go down that road, it will hard for your relationship to recover.

:yeahthat:

[Fairy]

I think it's entirely wrong for a mom or MIL or anyone else to out your pregnancy on FB. And it wasn't even that she talked about it, you were tagged for every single one of your friends to see. People who you may not have chosen to tell. As we all know a FB friend does not always mean a real friend. Sometimes they're the opposite of a friend. In any event, this was the modern day equivalent of the MIL calling up your friends and telling them before you could do it. This is your pregnancy not hers. I didn't tell work till I was 5 months along, and I didn't tell my extended family until I was close to 7 months. For reasons that are entirely personal and none of their business. My body, my choice whom I tell, showing or not. I think that since you had suspected and felt boundary issues in the past, your mistake was probably in not acting on that and telling her that she was not to discuss it in social media until you said so.

I do think it's a disproportionate response to rethink daycare. That's a whole 'nother show. But I think a difficult discussion is probably in your future. I know alot about difficult discussions with MILs, and they're not fun. They're awk and difficult and can cause very bad feelings. Tread carefully. I know she does alot of this out of love and her own sense of what is ok in showing that love. Doesn't make it right. But it does make her a person with her heart in the right place. So keep that in mind if/when you talk to her. My MIL dumps her crap on us constantly, too. Then tells me, "I know you don't like it when I give you my old stuff, but that's too bad. You're not allowed to goodwill this." Not allowed? Really? OMG.

Good luck. I get it. I really do.

[123LuckyMom]

I agree that unless you had explicitly requested that she not share the news it's not entirely unreasonable that she would want to share what is also HER joy and her news. I understand why you are upset; I really do, but it does sound as if your problems with your MIL come from you and your DH not being clear with her.

I would have your DH request that in the future your MIL ask before posting on Facebook any news or any pictures that contain you or your children. This is a rule we have with our friends and family, and it serves us well.

I would also request that she call and make contact with you or your DH before showing up at the house unannounced. I would do this kindly. It is not fair to punish her for this Facebook indiscretion unless she explicitly violated your request not to post this news. If she did violate a direct request, I would be less nice and far more forceful, but my requests would remain the same.

As for the babysitting, you have taken advantage of her offers. Just because she requested to sit for you doesn't mean she isn't doing you a huge favor and that you should express gratitude accordingly. If you don't want free childcare, or if her requests are too frequent and are interfering with your nuclear family time, by all means, turn her down and say no, but I think if you say yes, she does deserve your gratitude.

Punishing your MIL by restricting her time with the children is also punishing your kids. It's GOOD for children to have strong bonds with grandparents, and a MIL who's annoying to you can still be a wonderful grandparent to your children. As a mom who has no childcare help from family, I would also imagine it's punishing yourself! Why would you want to stay home on weekends or pay a daycare when your MIL is willing to help?

I would start a pattern if being VERY clear with her and creating boundaries around the issues that irritate you. I would have your DH have the conversations and be kind but clear making sure your MIL knows that these new requests are explicitly to protect the wonderful relationship you already share and to make sure it remains wonderful! If, after the new boundaries have been made clear, your MIL insists on violating them. Then it's time to have a more explicit sit-down and start putting more restrictive boundaries into place-- but not until then.

[AnimalBabe]

I am sorry, but I completely disagree with the comments about it being ok for her to do this, even if you were 4 months pregnant already. Yes, maybe you should have mentioned to her, since you already knew about her boundary issues, that you didn't want her to tell anyone. But it is not her news to tell, as you noted. I would be furious. I have my own issues with my FIL (surprisingly not my MIL), so I feel your pain. My FIL after we told him I was pregnant with his first grandchild, right then and there in front of me started calling our our other relatives to tell them! I had to look at my husband (who was freaking clueless) and say, um, I thought we were going to tell people?! OMG, that still brings back anger on my part.

I do agree however, with other comments that you shouldn't probably make any brash decisions about whether she should be allowed to babysit or watch the new baby. Maybe think on that for awhile and have a chat with her. I would set very very clear boundaries before you ask her to watch your kids though about what you expect. If she balks at those or seems like she isn't even listening (like my FIL used to do), I might consider just using daycare.

[California]

That would definitely be annoying. Was it an innocent "Happy Mother's Day to my DIL, hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy" sort of a thing or a full on, "We are happy to announce the pregnancy of DIL"? The first one is more understandable, but either way it would certainly bother me too, because as Fairy mentioned your MIL was taking the risk of outing you at work and with other people that you might not wanted to tell yet.

If this upset you, and her visits and unloading of stuff bothers you, then having her watch the baby may not be a good fit for your family. In some relationships having grandma care for a new baby is the best possible situation. But in yours it sounds like your personalities aren't quite a good fit. There is a lot of potential for resentment there. She could possibly be the one to see some "firsts" - such as seeing the baby roll over, or crawl, etc.- and from what you've written I'm wondering if her ownership of those moments would bother you since you already feel like she's encroaching a bit too much on your lives (between the unannounced visits and filling your house with stuff.)

Regarding all that stuff, I can definitely sympathize. I have a relative who does this. She used to do it all the time. I realized that it was all about her, not us. She liked to shop. She felt less guilty about getting rid of stuff she had never used if she could give it to our not-so-needy family. Lucky us! We were the recipients of her cast offs! My own mom has reminded me many times to feel no guilt sending that type of stuff straight to the Goodwill. It's tricky when the stuff is given to the kids, but still doable. I just started telling my relative repeatedly that I was cleaning out the house and needed less stuff, not more. It took a couple of months but she finally got the hint. And then she started dumping it all at a younger cousin's... Sorry, cousin! Sounds like you need to let your MIL know that you want less, not more, stuff in the house to clean now that baby #2 is coming along. Perfect timing to tell her.

[TwinFoxes]

So, just curious for the folks who would be furious because it wasn't her news to share. Do you expect your friends not to share with other friends after the point you're showing? Or is it just MILs? I walked into work the day after I told some work friends, and the first person who saw me hugged me (male coworker, so I knew he knew). Admittedly I worked with journalist who are notorious blabber mouths. But it never occurred to me they wouldn't tell. Colleagues from literally around the world were emailing me congrats. I assume my MIL told her family and friends, I certainly didn't tell them all. Same with a my college friends, by the time I got around to calling them, a lot already knew. They were still super thrilled and excited when I called.

I think it's totally legit to not want people to spread the news. But I think you're assuming this is a universally followed etiquette rule, and clearly it isn't (at least after several months). And since it's not (judging from the responses here) I'd cut folks some slack.

[123LuckyMom]

I understand being upset that somebody else got to scoop the news; I really do, but the idea that it's the mother's news to share and her news alone I find ridiculous! Becoming a grandparent is a grandparent's news to share. If the grandparent weren't excited and didn't care to share his or her joy or didn't want to have anything to do with the child/ren after birth, THAT would be a problem. It's akin to believing that a graduation is only about the graduate or a wedding is only about the bride. These are exciting events for more than just one person, and they wouldn't be happening at all if the grandparents and parents of the persons of honor hadn't been involved.

Overstepping can certainly be a problem, and if boundaries are clearly defined and continually violated, that's a problem. Perhaps that's the case for the OP, but I just heard that she was irritated with her MIL's behavior. The MIL is being irritating! Instead of punishing, though, I would advise clarifying. And I would advise trying to see things from the MIL's point of view. It sounds like she's trying to be super helpful, and she's feeling a but rebuffed and unappreciated. Maybe if her desire to be helpful could be honored and directed in a less irritating direction, all could be much better!

[Fairy]

What happened to the OP is very different from what Foxes and some others are saying. She told her MIL, and then her MIL didn't just share that she's going to be a grandmother. She tagged the OP. So, SHE is the one who told people who were not her own people. That's chutzpah.

Once I have officially told the news to the world and not just my immediate family (e.g., MIL), then I'm fair game, sure. OP did not clarify with her MIL, that's unfort. But if I tell my MIL, do not tell anyone till I say it's ok, then that is gospel, and I expect to be respected. Four months is not out of the danger zone, and alot of people do not really show at that level of gestation. It's subjective for each person, just cuz one of you showed at 4mo doesn't mean I will. Again, we're talking this girl had not told all her family and friends yet! It's her milestone, and MIL snatched it away from her. Without malice, sure, I get it. But she still took it away. Maybe she doesn't understand the equivalent of social media communications as interpersonal ones, but whatever it was, this was not a WE HAVE NEWS TELL EVERYONE! What Foxes describes above is a once the world knows thing, not what OP posted.

If you have losses, you'll re-examine your opinion of when it is and is not your news to share.

[JBaxter]

Because im OLD my response under their post would have been Way to steal my thunder would have been really nice if you let us be the one to announce our newest addition. Since the cat is out of the bag yes we are expecting in "X" month we wanted to wait for a while longer to share the news. Happy Mothers day all.

But I can get a bit bitchy

[TwinFoxes]

What happened to the OP is very different from what Foxes and some others are saying. She told her MIL, and then her MIL didn't just share that she's going to be a grandmother. She tagged the OP. So, SHE is the one who told people who were not her own people. That's chutzpah.

Once I have officially told the news to the world and not just my immediate family (e.g., MIL), then I'm fair game, sure. OP did not clarify with her MIL, that's unfort. But if I tell my MIL, do not tell anyone till I say it's ok, then that is gospel, and I expect to be respected. Four months is not out of the danger zone, and alot of people do not really show at that level of gestation. It's subjective for each person, just cuz one of you showed at 4mo doesn't mean I will. Again, we're talking this girl had not told all her family and friends yet! It's her milestone, and MIL snatched it away from her. Without malice, sure, I get it. But she still took it away. Maybe she doesn't understand the equivalent of social media communications as interpersonal ones, but whatever it was, this was not a WE HAVE NEWS TELL EVERYONE! What Foxes describes above is a once the world knows thing, not what OP posted.

If you have losses, you'll re-examine your opinion of when it is and is not your news to share.

But she had told other people, not just her immediate family. She says she is trying to tell people in person, but hasn't had a chance to tell everyone yet. If she had said "MIL, you're the only one that knows" I totally get why she'd be mad. In this case, she said she's told friends and family, just not everyone. And I think in any case, she gets to put restrictions on telling, but she has to at least let people know not to tell.

Sadly, I did have two losses. But now I have two blessings. :)

I really want OP to know that I think she TOTALLY has the right to put restrictions on how the news is spread, BUT I think that if her MIl knows that other people already know, it's not odd that she'd tag you in a Mother's Day post. She probably had no idea it was still a secret (and honestly, it might not be, even if your MIL hadn't posted!). Regardless, I think we are all in agreement that taking away her time with her grandkids is NOT the way to go.

[MamaMolly]

Because im OLD my response under their post would have been Way to steal my thunder would have been really nice if you let us be the one to announce our newest addition. Since the cat is out of the bag yes we are expecting in "X" month we wanted to wait for a while longer to share the news. Happy Mothers day all.

But I can get a bit bitchy

Me too. Though I think I'd post 'well we know who will be the LAST to know if there is ever a next time.'
I think it is completely rotten for anyone OTHER than the mother and father to make a FB announcement about a pregnancy, unless explicitly asked to do so. I side with the OP, it was not MIL's news to share, and IMO her MIL knew she was crossing the line with the 'sorry you're upset' non-apology. It is so smug.

OP, big hugs. Emotions run high in the mighty Pregasauris. MIL would be wise to remember that and work HARD to keep on your good side. And for heaven's sake, do be sure that she's the absolute last person to know when you go into labor, find out the gender, choose a name, delay sending her shower invitation by a couple of days, etc. I wouldn't keep her from her grand babies but I'd make her sweat.

[KLD313]

I think she had nerve to do something like that. I don't think we can assume anything here. I think people know not to spread around news like that. When I told my mom I was pregnant she asked if she could tell people, my 92 year old grandmother also asked if it was ok. I waited until I was 5 mos pregnant to tell people and I had no prior losses, just being cautious due to age.

OP, if you need some space from her and feel like having her watch you DC will stress you out I wouldnt do it. Maybe I'm just bitchy.

[StantonHyde]

And for heaven's sake, do be sure that she's the absolute last person to know when you go into labor, find out the gender, choose a name, delay sending her shower invitation by a couple of days, etc. I wouldn't keep her from her grand babies but I'd make her sweat.

oooohh, you are GOOD!!!!