desparate for a pooping solution

[Mommy_Again]

My very stubborn and strong-willed 3rd child (a girl, 16 months younger than my other daughter), has been resistant to potty training for about a year now. She is 3.5 and too smart for her own good. We tried last summer, this past winter break, and again over spring break with no success. She'd kind of get it but not really. I tried every possible, imaginable technique, method and motivation over the past year at various times. She would pee at school but not home. DH asked her why and she said "it's a secret and I'm not telling you." When she started withholding and getting constipated several months ago, I made peace with diapers and let it go.

Flash forward to last week - I started a 7 day diaper countdown and let her know that at the end of 7 days, she would only wear undies. On day 4, I discovered the spare box of diapers I thought I had did not exist, so I sent her to camp in undies and hoped for the best. Much to my amazement, I picked her up and she was wearing the same (clean) clothes. Over the next couple of days, she did amazing - both pee and poop in the potty, a few accidents but she was initiating and I could tell she really had it.

Unfortunately she has regressed in the poop department over the past 3-4 days. She keeps going in her undies and telling me she "can't feel it" when it's about to come out. Which is funny because if I'm with her, I know exactly when she is about to poop based on her stance and the look on her face.

Any advice? She didn't go a lot this past weekend so now I am terrified we are moving back into withholding and constipation. She absolutely has to be potty trained by mid-August for school. I know she is physically ready, I truly believe this is a battle of the wills and she is determined to wear me down ;) Please help...I don't have it in me to go back to diapers...

[123LuckyMom]

I'd use motivation. Every day she has clean undies earns her a star. After 5 stars, she gets a little gift. Or, every day she has clean undies, she gets a little gift or treat. I suggest this, because these kinds of motivations work well with a lot of kids. With my child, I can't offer the gift or he gets so focused on it, he can't think about anything else, and he's really upset when he doesn't get the star or the gift. He'll beat himself up about it. For us, we used the stars without the treat at the end. I put up a big calendar of the month, and each day without an accident got a star. Each day, we'd look at all the stars, and he'd get lots of praise. If he missed a day, we'd talk about what had been different on the days he'd earned the stars and notice how many days there were with stars as opposed to days without. It really helped us.

[npace19147]

Is she excited about starting school? Maybe tell her she has to be potty trained or else she can't go to school like the big kids, and she can choose when she will be potty trained as long as it is by school. You will give her x big treat when she is trained and has been accident (mostly) free for x number of days. Then stop mentioning it - it has become a battle of wills and she is winning by making you anxious. If you don't care it may defuse the situation. And odds are she'll be just fine at school even if she's still having accidents at home - at our kids' school the combination of a regular potty schedule and peer pressure was a huge influence.

[WatchingThemGrow]

If she truly can't feel it, she may be going through encopresis. Look it up. My DS started it around then.SO frustrating and takes forever to get past. I pray it's something else, but it is worth looking into.

[Mommy_Again]

Thank you all! She is excited about school and I even used moving up to the big kid class with her sister this summer at camp as motivation - yesterday was her first day in the new class but today she has to go back down to the babies since she pooped twice in her undies :(

We have done all sorts of treats and rewards, but never in a calendar/sticker format - so I will give that a shot. It might help if she can see how many days are left before school officially starts, too.

WatchingThemGrow, I've never heard of encopresis but that sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you dealt with that - I too pray it's something else in our house!

[TxCat]

We're in a similar situation- DD1 will be 4 in October and has been pee-trained for over a year but always poops in her underwear or pull-ups. She knows she needs to go at this point because she asks for pull-ups when she has to poop. We have tried everything - rewards big and little, making it a game, trying to get her to help with clean-up, not using pull-ups, etc., and she is resistant to everything. I'm starting to fear that she's still going to ge using pull-ups in first grade! Anyways, no advice, but you're not alone OP!

[KpbS]

You probably have already tried this but what worked for DD (who also refused for a year) was a squishy potty seat, that and some "privacy." ;) I broke out the potty seat out of desperation and told her it "was going to help her go." Sure enough, all it took was a couple of times to convince her it wasn't such a terrible thing after all (going in the potty) and candy rewards to reinforce after the fact helped too! Of course, she could have totally gone w/o the seat (and did within a week or so) but the magical thinking of the character seat really helped her turn the corner. Later I realized that me staying in the bathroom was actually a deterrent for her to go (my other DC didn't care and of course, they all need help when done) so that was key for her too. She wanted the door completely closed and everything, lol.

[brittone2]

Agree on the encoperesis. She might know it is coming out but can't feel it beforehand, especially if there been constipation issues in the past. It can be very deceiving, and even a kid who goes daily can be blocked up and lose tone in there.

[mmsmom]

A couple things I did when DS needed to be PT for school: 1) drove him past the school playground several times. It made him very excited about school & we would talk about how he had to be PT for school. 2）I got several trinkets at the $ store and put them on a tray on the kitchen counter so he could see them but not reach. If he was dry/clean till naptime he got to pick something from the tray. If he made it till bedtime he got another item.

Also, how long is school? Ours was only 2.5 hours so even though he wasn't 100% PT by school time I sent him anyway & hoped for the best. He had one poop accident the 2nd day of school & didn't like missing out on the fun to be cleaned up and it never happened again.

Good luck!

[hbridge]

At 3.5 she may not be ready... It is really hard to hear that, especially when all the "signs" are there. Definitely look into encoperesis and talk to your pediatrician. My DC ended up at a program at the local children's hospital for kids with "poop" issues. It helped some, but time was the only thing that worked. Hugs to you both because it is REALLY hard, especially when the school requires them to be trained.

We ended up at a preschool that did not require the kids to be trained. Our first school stated that it wasn't required, but actually made it clear that they did NOT want to deal with children that had "accidents". The next preschool was wonderful about the situation and made sure that we all knew that "accidents" were age appropriate.

Good luck to you both. It's so hard, but your child is definitely not the only one... even if it feels that way sometimes :)
Also, poop regression is really common and can last for awhile. The best advice I have is to let her lead the way and take her time.

[HannaAddict]

Time. She's not ready and you just can't force it. You won't make her potty train earlier and forcing the issue can actually result in later PTing and other issues. She's still little and it will happen. I would lay off and let have more time. HTH.