not great start

[hillview]

DS2 is in a new school (public school) and his first week went well. This week yesterday he said he was put into a time out for talking when he wasn't supposed to be talking and that another girl had talked to him first but she didn't get into trouble. Today he was crying that he got into trouble when he touched the same girl (girl down the street, his friend) and that she had touched him first and that he knew he was supposed to keep his hands to himself but she did it first and didn't get into trouble.

SIGH.

We are SUPPOSED to have an IEP in place but the meeting isn't til next week. The school, special ed director, psych and principal knows his situation and diagnosis (ADHD, low impulse and NLD/NLVD). I talked to our advocate and sent an email to the principal, special ed director and psychs flagging my concern; asking for a plan; asking if expectations were clear, consequences age appropriate. In prior years I've ignored these initial reports only to have DS2 eventually earmarked as a bad kid or problem and have him hate school and his teacher. ARGH. I wish I was magic.

[123LuckyMom]

This stinks! Is the teacher aware that your son has an IEP coming up? Does she know he's starting to feel "bad?" I'd give her a (non blaming) head's up.

[hillview]

This stinks! Is the teacher aware that your son has an IEP coming up? Does she know he's starting to feel "bad?" I'd give her a (non blaming) head's up.
yes she is aware. Yes I emailed her today.

My email
Hi teacher
Hope your year is off to a good start! I wanted to check in with you to see how things are going. DS had generally been happy. A couple of times including today he has said that he is getting into trouble in situations where he has felt it was something he didn't start and he was crying today at home.

Just wanted to check in and get your thoughts on how things are going.
Thanks

--

Hi Hillview,


DS (she used his first initial which is interesting, vs his name) has done very well so far learning and following the rules and routines of the classroom. I have attached a letter that will go home later this week that explains the classroom rules and also what happens when a student makes a mistake. I try to make all the consequences logical. For example, if a student is having difficulty standing next to a friend quietly in the line, I will ask the student to move to a different spot in the line. These consequences are typically very quick and should feel neutral. However, especially in the first few weeks, kids can easily internalize these consequences as "getting in trouble." Please continue to reinforce with DS that everyone makes mistakes and students use those experiences to learn for the future. We will talk more about behavior at back to school night. Please let me know if you have any questions.

[sste]

Was the "getting into trouble" discipline from the classroom teacher, the recess monitor, the lunchroom people, some other?

We haven't had this issue but in general I try to have the relevant therapist intercede with the relevant teacher or staff person. So, my DS is miserable with all the handwriting in first grade and I figure I only have so much political capital with the teacher. So I emailed his school OT to see if she had some ideas for how to make it less laborious for him, tricks, etc. She immediately offers to talk to and work with the classroom teacher in addition to working with DS in their session on some ideas she has. This has happened multiple times for me and my impression is that it goes better, at least as a first attempt, when it is in school professional to in school professional.

Hill, I think I know your school system, I grew up in a neighboring town I believe. It is a phenomenal school system in many respects with resources galore. I think once you get the IEP up and running things may be quite different. The potential downside of that school is that they generate such high scores etc because the kids are socialized to VERY high behavior expectations. It is a well to do population with the parents focused on academic achievement and the kids sort of trained to behave IMO unnaturally well at home and school. Which makes your DS stick out a little more I imagine. I think it is a pick your poison. At my kid's school there are fewer resources but more behavior issues -- they really do NOT pick on every little thing, it would be foolish with their student population, and they instead adopted and heavily use a positive behavior system. But if I needed more sophisticated services, I would choose what I think is your school!

[hillview]

SSTE yes his main teacher. I agree re the IEP and yes you described our school system to a T :) my concern is that DS may check out in the next few weeks before an IEP is actually in place which makes this new start pointless. I agree that his behavior is more likely to stick out in our high achieving public school. I wish there was a great place for him to go. SIGH

[egoldber]

So, is all this "bad" behavior, self-reported? Or have you had notes from the teacher about it? If the teacher hasn't said anything, and it's just him reporting this, then honestly I think this is just part of the classroom adjustment period. All the kids are undoubtedly "getting in trouble" as they are learning new classroom rules and expectations. From the teacher's response it sounds like she doesn't see anything out of the norm for him at school. I would try to take comfort in that. The first few weeks of school were always very nerve wracking for my anxiety kid.

When you have his IEP meeting, I would bring up specific examples of types of behavioral plans that can be anxiety-inducing for him. Some kids can be given non-verbal warnings, in place of more visible warning systems.

Have you reached out to the school counselor yet? If not, do so ASAP. You want them as an ally moving forward, so get your DS on their radar! Let him/her know that he is a new student, he'll be having an IEP meeting soon, and are there any groups or "lunch bunches" for new kids. Share that he's feeling like he's "in trouble" a lot, and can they get a sense of what he is experiencing is real or perception?

[hillview]

yes self reported. He is anxious. I have reached out to the counselor. Good idea about the lunch bunch. Thanks!

[123LuckyMom]

I was happy with that response from the teacher. Were you? I wonder whether there was a time out or if he was just asked to move to a different table or something. I would share the teacher's thoughts with your DS. Let him know that she thinks he's doing well and that he is not in trouble. Let him know that being asked to change his behavior or to move is not a problem and doesn't mean he is in trouble. I don't know if he will believe you, but that's where I'd start.

[LBW]

yes self reported. He is anxious. I have reached out to the counselor. Good idea about the lunch bunch. Thanks!

DS2 started on anxiety meds this summer, and I've noticed a huge difference in his behavior/reaction to stress as a result. May be worth a mention to your son's doctor, if she/he doesn't already know.

[hillview]

I was happy with that response from the teacher. Were you? I wonder whether there was a time out or if he was just asked to move to a different table or something. I would share the teacher's thoughts with your DS. Let him know that she thinks he's doing well and that he is not in trouble. Let him know that being asked to change his behavior or to move is not a problem and doesn't mean he is in trouble. I don't know if he will believe you, but that's where I'd start.
I wasn't sure. I guess so but it isn't very specific to DS it seems more like a generic response? It doesn't sound like he is a trouble maker in class from her view point but the crying didn't get a response. It is very hard for me to be objective over the years. For 4 years I sort of blew off things like this with DS (minor situations) only to have him hitting the teacher a few months later so I am trying to be more proactive. So in general this sort of thing is really not a big deal but in the context of the history of DS it is a bigger deal (does that make sense). The teacher has some background but not all. I don't really know her very well.


DS2 started on anxiety meds this summer, and I've noticed a huge difference in his behavior/reaction to stress as a result. May be worth a mention to your son's doctor, if she/he doesn't already know.
I did mention his anxiety to his psych who has him on a med already. She wants to wait to see how he does on this first med. I do think anxiety plays a large role in his challenges.

[LBW]

I did mention his anxiety to his psych who has him on a med already. She wants to wait to see how he does on this first med. I do think anxiety plays a large role in his challenges.

That makes sense. We're doing the reverse. Anti-anxiety meds now, but might add something else this fall.