When/If to tell DC we were married before

[mmsmom]

Both DH & I were married before with no kids. Our DC are 8 & 6 and do not know. I do feel like they should be told but not sure when. They are just now starting to understand what divorce means. Neither of us has contact with our exes but the fact of our previous marriages comes up from time to time with us or friends. Any BTDT or insight?

[gymnbomb]

I found out my mom was married before my dad when I was 9 or 10 and saw the "previous name" on her college application and asked about it. I was not upset but I wished she had found a time to tell me before I saw it somewhere else first.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[megs4413]

Wow that's tough. I guess I'd do it sooner than later so that they never feel it was a secret.

[trcy]

Hmmm, I have thought of this before. DH and I were both previously married, like PP, no kids from the previous marriage and no contact with the exes. DD is only 4, so she doesn't know anything about divorce. It's not a secret, there just has been no need to bring it up. I guess I would just casually mention it if the subject of divorce somehow comes up.
On a side note, my uncle was divorced prior to his current marriage (again, no kids from the previous marriage). I guess my cousin (who is about 10 years younger than me) found out and mentioned it to my mom(he was maybe 8ish)...he acted like he had found out a big family secret. We all privately got a chuckle out of that because it was never a secret. I guess it just never came up.

[LMPC]

I'm going to go with sooner rather than later, too. If we keep these types of things from our children then they can seem like "bad" secrets rather than just a fact of life. I would go with the "it's no big deal" approach.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm going to go with sooner rather than later, too. If we keep these types of things from our children then they can seem like "bad" secrets rather than just a fact of life. I would go with the "it's no big deal" approach.

:yeahthat: I would do it now in some way. This in a way reminds me of the old way of handling adoption. People would wait to tell, or not tell ever. But now most adoptions are something that's always acknowledged. I think you should just bring it up casually. I don't think divorce has to be the topic when it's mentioned. My kids always ask about weddings, how I met DH, where I grew up, etc.

i also agree that by not mentioning your first marriage, it makes it seem bad, and that you keep secrets from them. Good luck! :)

[roobee]

I was married before too and worried about the same thing. I think I brought it up when we were talking about last names one time - I just said I used to have a different last name and then explained that I was married before. My kids had almost no reaction - I'm a little worried they don't remember that I told them. I'll probably have to bring it up again!

[StantonHyde]

DH was married before-no kids. At some point, one of us mentioned it to the kids when they were in the 4-7 age range. At first they thought it was odd--was she related to them somehow? would Daddy and Mommy get a divorce? So we addressed their concerns and were very calm about it. So now its not an issue.

[georgiegirl]

DH was married previously, and it hadn't even occurred to me to mention it to the kids. I sometimes forget about it. He was very young (22) and it only lasted a couple of years. My parents are divorced, so they know that people can get married more than once.

[ray7694]

I think it will be a nonissue to your kids as they don't know any different. I would tell them when you think they can understand what that means and its not a big deal. Im divorced with a ds and I will throw in little things about his dad and I when it is natural but don't see an official sit down happening and his dad left when I was pregnant.

[sunnyside]

I found out when I was 13 that my dad had been previously married and had several children. It was shocking to say the least!

[carolinacool]

DH was married previously, and it hadn't even occurred to me to mention it to the kids. I sometimes forget about it. He was very young (22) and it only lasted a couple of years. My parents are divorced, so they know that people can get married more than once.

This is my DH as well, except he was 20. It's never occurred to either of us that it's something we need to mention. We live in the same city, but practically never see her. In fact, the first time DH had seen her in about five years was a few months ago at the grocery store when he had DS. He just introduced her as "Ms. Mary" and left it at that.

But his first marriage isn't really common knowledge, either. No one in my family knows about it, and only a handful of our friends do.

[JustMe]

I agree with telling them as soon as possible. I was older when I found out my mom had been married before and felt betrayed/like she had kept a secret from me (especially because I learned this when we were somewhere and she began running away as she saw her ex-husband). I think one way to do it is to talk about how happy you are that you and dh found each other.

[klwa]

I don't know when the right time is, but I will ask you to PLEASE tell them. A friend of DH's was getting married about 10 years ago. We were all hanging out, including friend's soon to be ILs. His FIL then tells us all "Make sure you don't tell W about my previous marriage. She doesn't know anything about it, and feels that her mother & I are the one example of a marriage that lasted. We don't want her shaken in that belief." Well, I didn't know anything about his previous marriage until that conversation. But now, here I am with this knowledge that SHE doesn't have. It STILL makes things uncomfortable when I'm around her because I still don't know if she knows!

[alexsmommy]

I've had a few younger (pre-teen/teen) clients be PISSED at their parents for not telling them after they found out by Googling their parents name. It's not the marriage per se that upset them, but feeling they were being deceived or left out of pertinent information. I tell parents who ask me this professionally to tell them around 7/8 when they may start playing around with Google and it occurs to them to Google names. Keep in mind, in an effort to teach internet safety, teachers may suggest Googling their own name so they can see what comes up - i.e. their name in a baseball tournament or ballet recital. Especially if you have an unusual name. Not telling them yourself can take a "I was young, didn't understand what was important to me for a partner. We parted ways, no harm no foul" situation into something that seems like it must be a big deal since you felt a need to "hide" it (kids perception.) Just MHO.

[gatorsmom]

I agree with sooner rather than later. I was one of those adopted-at-birth kids who knew from a young age I was adopted. It has never been a problem for me because of the way my parents presented it. I don't even remember the first time they told me. I was very young when they told me so it was always a fact of life. Otoh, a friend of mine who was adopted found out when she was sixteen. Her parents wanted to wait until she was old enough to handle the situation and she was devastated for a long time about it.

Iiwy, I'd slip it into conversation in the next couple of days just to get it over. At this age they will have more questions than if they were 4or 5 yo but they'll be ok with it if you spin it as no big thing. If do something like, "oh I got my tonsils out that year. That was the same year I was married to this guy named Gary. Hmm, I haven't seem him in ages, I wonder how he is. Oh , yeah, didn't I tell you? Oh well, it was a long time ago..." Something like that. :)

[Pear]

I think I mentioned it to dd for the first time when she was 3. We were reading the paper bag princess. Seemed like a good time to bring up making good choices in partners. She has also heard dH and I mention my ex-husband sporadically. I am a big fan of making these things just matter-of-fact instead of a big reveal.

[mmsmom]

Thanks so much for all of the insight! Sounds like we need to tell them soon. I had always planned to tell them when they could understand and i think they can now. It is absolutely not an issue for either of us so we just need to figure out a way to casually bring it up. I think sitting them down will make it seem more important than it is.

[hbridge]

I think I mentioned it to dd for the first time when she was 3. We were reading the paper bag princess. Seemed like a good time to bring up making good choices in partners. She has also heard dH and I mention my ex-husband sporadically. I am a big fan of making these things just matter-of-fact instead of a big reveal.

Yep. Don't have a "big reveal". My DC have slowly discovered most of our "family secrets" as things are being discussed. We usually get a "you didn't tell me that?!??!", we discuss it and move on. They will ask questions when they think of them.

The next time it works into conversation just mention the last time you were married, make it part of every day life and it will just be part of their world.

DO NOT WAIT too long. You don't want it to feel like a secret or something that you are ashamed of, just part of who you are :).

[DualvansMommy]

I second most of pp said; reveal it as a matter of fact information vs. a big deal/secret.

I found out about my real fathers identity when I was 11, came out as something I discovered inadvertently as opposed being told about it from my mother. Didn't help things like accountability and trust issues I had with her, especially when I was coming into my own person as a tween! DH also found out his mother previous marriage when he was a teen too, it was kept as a family secret when it shouldn't have been an issue.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cam&Clay]

I agree with telling them as soon as possible. I was older when I found out my mom had been married before and felt betrayed/like she had kept a secret from me (especially because I learned this when we were somewhere and she began running away as she saw her ex-husband). I think one way to do it is to talk about how happy you are that you and dh found each other.

My mother told me that she had been married previously when I was about 8 years old. She made a big production over telling me and seemed so ashamed that I was very upset. I wish she had just matter-of-factly said that she had been married briefly before she married my dad.

Having said that, this thread has made me realize that DS2 might not fully understand the relationship between XH and me. He loves XH dearly. He knows that DH is his father and that XH is DS1's father, but I'm not sure he knows that XH and I were married. He's only 7 so he probably hasn't made that leap. Looks like I need to start casually dropping that fact into conversation!

[TwinFoxes]

Cam&Clay, I think it's really awesome that your XH has a good relationship with your DS2.

[Dream]

I would go with sooner than later too. I just recently found out something about my mom that I was never informed and I'm bothered and affected that I was never told. And all this time she acted otherwise. So yeah definitely let your kids know.

[american_mama]

No BTDT, but if you want to look for a way to tell them soon, there are a couple ideas. I am not advocating turning it into a big deal in how you mention it; the way you talk about it doesn't have to be a big deal even if it is something you planned.

If you have any likely weddings you'll attend this year, you could plan on then. Or you could mention it if you see a wedding on a TV show or movie. Or you could make a point of watching a movie with a wedding scene and mention it after that.

Conversely, you could mention it if see or deliberately plan to watch a movie or TV show with a divorce theme. Something like The Parent Trap or the like.

You could also substitute a book about any of the following. A previous poster mentioned The Paperback Princess, which is about who a girl picks as her partner, or a book about divorce or marriage. Or you could talk about last names. Or as a PP mentioned, you could get your children to do a "google your name" exercise with you in the interests of fun or itnernet safety, and regardless of waht comes up for you, mention "Oh, I could also have googled this name because I used to be married...."

Also, if you know anyone in real life who is divorcing, or kids whose parents are divorced, or relatives, you could bring it up that example and say you were divorced too.

Basically, hopefully to your kids it seems like "Oh, this thing reminds me of myself..." even if you are deliberately bringing that topic up to make the point about yourself.

[Kindra178]

I don't think it should be a big sit down conversation. I think it could just be mentioned in passing. Let it come up organically in conversation, similar to talking about where you went to college or grad school or another city you lived in. I would be shocked if your kids found it a big deal. I have mentioned past boyfriends in conversation with my kids and they don't really think too much of it.

[MamaMolly]

DH was married before and his X is a source of jokes between us (she is a truly rotten person). Lula clued in recently, and we were very casual about it. I think it is only a big deal if you make it one.