Is this normal for a 3yo?

[anonomom]

DS has always had separation anxiety and we're dealing with that as well as we can. But lately he seems to be taking it to an extreme degree -- for example, I was just putting him to bed and he did a 20-minute soliloquy listing all of the places I've "abandoned" him, including school, my in-laws' house and the Y daycare, where he hasn't even been since this past summer! He says the teachers there like him but nobody else cares about him and he doesn't want me to leave because he knows I won't come back (despite the fact that, obviously, I always do come back). He was so upset he was actually crying. Then he went on and on about how he was afraid to go to sleep because I'd be all the way down the hall and he'd miss me. I feel like in this past week, he's really started talking a lot about being lonely and not wanting me to leave him places.

I'm ok with the actual, in-the-moment separation anxiety. It sucks, but I assume it's normal(ish). But I'm totally at a loss on how to deal with the conversations. I can say until I'm blue in the face that I would never forget him at school or abandon him or whatever, but it doesn't seem to comfort him at all and he doesn't believe me anyway. And I'm starting to wonder if this is going beyond normal separation anxiety into something else. Does anyone have any BTDT advice?

[lalasmama]

Hugs! I've got nothing! My 3.5 and 2.5 yo grandsons (and my 11yo DD) never managed to go to that distance! Now, DD, to be fair, had a HUGE amount of separation anxiety (she lived with me, the with birth mom, then was removed from birth mom's house and went to an emergency foster placement; by the time she made it back to living with me, she wouldn't let me out of her sight for weeks!). But, she wouldn't have listed the places where I'd left her. DGSs typically bawl when left here, but never seem to report their grievances back to their parents about "abandoning" them.

Is he anxious in other areas?

[hillview]

humm sounds unusual however your DC also sounds very aware and verbal (true?). DS1 had a lot of separation anxiety for a few years (at 4 he cried every day at preschool til FEBRUARY) but he wouldn't list out like your DC does. Is anything else going on? I think with anxiety there is a recommendation not to dwell on things a lot with anxious kiddos (like don't talk a lot about it) -- some mamas here have a lot of expertise here on this topic. HUGS sounds heartbreaking.

[BunnyBee]

It sounds like more than typical separation anxiety to me. Does it work to cut him off and change the subject? With my tends-toward-anxiety child, going down the road makes it worse. If I reflect his feelings, tell him I hear what he is saying, reassure him, then say that we are not talking about X any more, it's better than letting him get mired in the mud.

If he likes Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, there's a cute episode about grownups coming back. I sing the little song when my toddler gets upset when Daddy leaves for work.

[Liziz]

That sounds a bit extreme to me, I'd probably be a bit concerned and try to figure if there's anything else going on lately to make him extra-anxious, etc. That being said, I did just experience a variety of what you're describing with my DD -- it was short-lived but a bit strange and over the top for her, so I'm describing below in case it helps you.....

I have a newly turned 3 year old. She's not an anxious kid in general. She goes to full-time daycare, but almost always has trouble with me leaving (no massive crying or anything, but a teacher always has to hold her/hang on to her or she'll chase me down the hall -- though she's fine as soon as I'm out of sight and enjoys school). Out of nowhere the past few weeks, she's started getting upset when I leave her room at bedtime. When it's time for me to leave, she normally will delay for as long as she can with asking for extra kisses, etc. -- but she just went through a 2-week phase or so where she'd get really upset each night saying "don't leave! I'm going to miss you!" It was to the point that she'd flip out and start crying and screaming when I left the room. I have no clue where it came from, but after about 2 weeks, it stopped as suddenly as it began, and she's been fine for the past week or so. It was strange. I honestly didn't do anything too differently -- I'd reassure her I would be just down the hall, and that I'd check on her in just a couple minutes, etc. -- then I focused on the fun we were going to have the next morning and how she had to fall asleep so morning could come quickly. I also can say that my DD has a crazy good memory -- she often will bring up memories or things that happened months or more ago -- things I'm shocked she can remember with such detail -- so your DS bringing up something from a very long time ago doesn't sound unlike something DD would do, either.

[KpbS]

DD has had a bit of SA at times while age 2&3. It seems to have lessened now at 4. His long list of places and times does sound extreme to me, tbh.

Is he in the same preschool as last year or a different one? I think I remember you had a problem with the administration and registration and were looking for a different school. If I've confused you with a different poster, my apologies. Do you think this stems from him being unhappy at his preschool? Would he be more agreeable to a different setting? Does he have close friends at a different preschool he would enjoy more? Just throwing some ideas out there. :hug:

[anonomom]

DD has had a bit of SA at times while age 2&3. It seems to have lessened now at 4. His long list of places and times does sound extreme to me, tbh.

Is he in the same preschool as last year or a different one? I think I remember you had a problem with the administration and registration and were looking for a different school. If I've confused you with a different poster, my apologies. Do you think this stems from him being unhappy at his preschool? Would he be more agreeable to a different setting? Does he have close friends at a different preschool he would enjoy more? Just throwing some ideas out there. :hug:

This is his first year in preschool, but you have a good memory. Last year, I tried to enroll him in the same school his sisters had attended and couldn't get a spot, so I had to find a different place. I've gone back and forth on the preschool issue, whether his separation problems are specific to this school or not. In general, I think he'd be uncomfortable anywhere he didn't know well (he has told me he wishes he could go to his sisters' old school, where he'd been visiting since he was a newborn). The only place that he separates from me happily is drop-in daycare, and I think that's because the first several times he went I left his sisters too. Now he's comfortable there and doesn't mind me leaving.

I will try to cut these discussions off and see if it works.