Textbook Narcissism

[StantonHyde]

I get a message on the machine from my dad--he is having neck surgery, please call him because he has some problems to sort out and he appreciates me taking his feelings into account. Here we go again--Dad is sure he is going to die (he's going to be 76 this year. People in his family live to be in their 90s--we have TWENTY more years of this crap) and he has to say his piece, AGAIN.

Quick backstory--Dad's a jerk, mom was awesome. Mom died 9 years ago, Dad has been even more of a jerk. He can't understand why we don't think he is the most awesome Dad ever--none of the stuff we say happened actually happened, his wife (our mother) was a horrible person, and he was just superb. My brother and I have both had this discussion with him-nope, no, nopitty, nope, nope, no. We will NEVER agree.

So I figure Dad just wants to call and bitch me out AGAIN about how he is the most awesome dad. I call my brother--who did talk to Dad. He thought Dad might actually want to explain his side of the story AGAIN since he thinks he is dying. My brother says we are not going to have this conversation, and he is switching to another topic, when my dad says...

Dad: "Well as long you won't feel guilty"
Brother: What, what was that?
D: Well, as your father, I just want to make sure that I have fulfilled my responsibility by giving you an opportunity to talk so that you won't feel guilty.

Yep--that's right. Basically, he said, "I want to give you a chance to finally say you are sorry so that if I die, you won't feel bad.".
NOT--gosh, let me make amends. Oh no--this is YOUR opportunity to say you were wrong and change YOUR ways.

OMG--and this will keep going. Every couple of years there is some surgery or illness. My brother joked that it must be on Dad's packing list: "air grievances with children". gaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

I honestly cracked up when my brother told me this. He said he hung up the phone and couldn't stop laughing. Seriously, whoever writes the next textbook on narcissistic personality disorders needs to feature my dad.....

[Staraglimmer]

I'm sorry. That does not sound fun. At least you guys are smart enough to laugh it off.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StantonHyde]

After years of therapy, boundaries and laughter are the best ways to handle this brand o'crazy!!!!!!

[hellokitty]

Rebecca,

I feel for you. IIRC, your dad is also a retired physician, correct? So is mine and everytime I read your posts, I feel as if I could have posted the same thing. I have no advice for you, except to not take it personally and distance yourself both emotionally and physically, as this is the only way to cope with ppl lke this. They are so toxic, they are incapable of thinking about anything or anyone, except for themselves. My father has the choice right now to go on dialysis, get a kidney transplant or do nothing... plus he wil probably need to get heart surgery again in the next year. He told my brother (who is a physician) about how he is thinking about transplant and of course my brother thought he was crazy, and he flat out told my dad his own poor choices have lead to this and he is a poor candidate for transplant, anyway. My mom (I love her, but she is his co-dependent and enabler and so I get pissed at her too for constantly making excuses for him) tried to guilt my brother about that and said that he shouldn't have said it was my dad's own fault, b/c it hurt my dad's feelings. Ugh... what about the fact that my dad has NEVER put anyone's feelings under consideration before, except for his own and has treated his own family like garbage from the very beginning???

We also think that my dad is trying to guilt on of us into donating a kidney to him. Sorry, not going to happen, he is a poor candidate for transplant to begin with, we think it sucks that he would even consider it a possibility. Oh and he too thinks he is father of the year... it's so frustrating to deal with someone who is NPD and delusional. {{{HUGS}}} We have to hear about how everyone else's adult kids do this or that and about how it's so sad that we do not do XYZ with them, etc.. Guilt and manipulation are the only way they can get ppl to do anything for them. Oh and you notice how they LOVE it when they have to get some medical procedure done and they think that they can lay on the guilt and milk the attn, ugh, it's just bad when ppl act this way to their own family members and then act like they don't understand why everyone wants to run away from them! My dad LOVES to brag about how he might have to get XYZ medical procedure, it's sick.

[gatorsmom]

After years of therapy, boundaries and laughter are the best ways to handle this brand o'crazy!!!!!!

And distance. Long miles between you.

I'm so sorry your dad is so impossible. Otoh, it must be blissful to be so unaware of your past transgressions. I can't imagine.

[StantonHyde]

Otoh, it must be blissful to be so unaware of your past transgressions. I can't imagine.

And to live in a world where, according to you, everybody thinks EXACTLY like you do, except for the people who don't--and they are crazy. I remember at one Thanksgiving, he said something embarrassing to DD and she was very upset. He asked why and I said, "She is embarrassed". His response was, "I'm not embarrassed". I said, "No, She is embarrassed". (I thought he didn't hear me) He just repeated, again, that he was not embarrassed--because if he isn't, then nobody else should be either!! The mind is capable of creating amazing alternative universes....

[robinsmommy]

It must be really helpful to have your brother on your side in that situation as well. I am glad you have each other to talk things through.

[StantonHyde]

Yes, I feel very fortunate/blessed to have my brother with me on these issues. We haven't always taken the same approach to setting boundaries but we agree on root causes and won't let my dad trash talk one of us to the other.