Shy, Lack of self-confidence, or something else?

[alootikki]

I'm looking for advice or book recs to help my 7 year old DD. She's always been on the shy side, and I'm not sure how to help her make more friends and feel more confident socially. She has one BFF, and happily plays with groups of kids at recess (if BFF is there), but feels very awkward initiating social contact herself. Some examples:

- Since K, kids at school will say "Hi DD!" as we're walking to school - she will either not respond or respond very softly. After a couple of times, the other kids don't bother anymore.

- She's always happy to host a playdate and have another girl come over. They have a great time playing, but it doesn't seem to translate to interacting more at school or anything beyond the actual playdate!

- Her teachers always tell me that she is easy to get along with, so she's not exhibiting any anxiety or shyness in the classroom. She's certainly not an outcast by any means, but just not more than acquaintances with anyone other than her BFF.

- She went to a couple of camps this summer where she didn't know any other kids - and enjoyed it, but didn't make any new friends or even remember the names of the kids she was with. She tends to do her own thing, and would be happy playing in her room all day.


I feel that in this point in 2nd grade, most kids have found a few friends. Quirky kids have found other quirky kids :) She's not in the same class as BFF, so that's probably a good thing - but I really want to help her make other friends. Any book recs or relatable experience?

[petesgirl]

Sounds like my DS. But he is only in preschool so I figure he has time to learn social rules...

[jren]

Mine isn't shy, and will go up to new kids at school and say hi. Half of the time the kids just look and her and don't say anything back. I have to remind her that some may be a bit shy, and it doesn't mean that they don't like you. She's in 6th grade. Even with her more outgoing personality, she just found a group of friends this year that seem to get her. Prior to that, she always had acquaintances, but never a BFF.

[wendibird22]

She doesn't sound shy or lacking confidence to me. She sounds introverted. I'm like this. My DD1 is like this. Many introverts prefer a few good friends than many acquaintances and aren't good at or simply just don't enjoy small talk and surface level relationships. Just yesterday I had time to "check in" with DD1 about friends. She's happy with her friend group, feels liked by others, feels included, doesn't desire more or fewer friends. If she's content, I'm content. I do sometimes wish that she engaged deeper in her friend relationships or branched out to other kids, but I'm choosing to focus on how she feels about it.

Personally, I didn't have a close knit group of friends until my junior year of high school. My mom used to ask me, "why don't your friends ever call you to come over and play?" I didn't honestly know at the time, and couldn't do anything about it, and given that I still have this memory at age 40 certainly indicates that my mom's question had a lot of impact on me. So, I'm really careful how I talk to DD1 about her friendships.

[daisysmom]

There are books about establishing a social IQ. I can't recall the titles, but they were recommended on here and I think I found some others through amazon, searching by the term "social IQ". I looked into it this summer, b/c my DD and her BFF were getting on each others nerves and I wanted DD to form some other friendships. I started reading those books, and did try to initiate some conversations with DD about them. But in the conversations, I really did learn from her that she was completely happy with the level of interactions that she had. And when I opened my eyes to it a little more, I realized that she was forming other friendships, but that they were just different and not as blatant as the one with BFF (whose mother is one of my BFF's, so that one has just always been there). I still get on my DD to loudly return someone's greeting, b/c I see with other kids too, that they will say hello and I don't hear my DD say hello back. But she says she does. And one time I could see her face, and she does widely smile at the kids when they say hello. Anyway, I think for us... a combination of me accepting her level of happiness and also me not projecting my own "extreme extrovert" onto her. Now if she was unhappy... I would open those books again and work through some of the good suggestions in them.

And a note on classes, every year I had requested that DD not be in the same class as BFF b/c they have some much together time in other activites. This year they got in the same class. That has been really curious to watch... as they both have other friends now and it is a happy crowd of 10-15 girls that really travel in a pack. I am really grateful for that.

[2ndtimearound]

I'm looking for advice or book recs to help my 7 year old DD. She's always been on the shy side, and I'm not sure how to help her make more friends and feel more confident socially. She has one BFF, and happily plays with groups of kids at recess (if BFF is there), but feels very awkward initiating social contact herself. Some examples:

- Since K, kids at school will say "Hi DD!" as we're walking to school - she will either not respond or respond very softly. After a couple of times, the other kids don't bother anymore.

- She's always happy to host a playdate and have another girl come over. They have a great time playing, but it doesn't seem to translate to interacting more at school or anything beyond the actual playdate!

- Her teachers always tell me that she is easy to get along with, so she's not exhibiting any anxiety or shyness in the classroom. She's certainly not an outcast by any means, but just not more than acquaintances with anyone other than her BFF.

- She went to a couple of camps this summer where she didn't know any other kids - and enjoyed it, but didn't make any new friends or even remember the names of the kids she was with. She tends to do her own thing, and would be happy playing in her room all day.



This is my DD to a T! including the summer camp experience this past summer. DD has play dates, which go well, but they don't go beyond the play date. Kids yell hi on the way to school and DD gives a limp wave. Only small difference is that she would probably be reading in her room, not playing. DD is 8 and in 3rd; her BFF is not in her class, but several of the girls she plays with when BFF is there are in her class, so she does know people. I have gotten the same feedback you have-- DD gets along well, isn't picked on or excluded per se, just seems to do her own thing.

I have decided to not worry about it. It's hard, but really, there is nothing to 'fix'. One thing I would advise you to do is put her in Girl Scouts. We joined in K, and that is where she met BFF. Several of the kids she plays with when BFF is there are are in her troop. GS has been a way to break down the 100+ 3rd graders into a community of people to at least know their names. Our troop is run out of our school. I would do whatever you can to keep DD connected to the school community if you think you will stay at the school long term. In our school community, everyone plays on the same baseball and soccer teams, is in the GS or BS troops, takes art and music classes after school, uses the same 2 dance studios, etc. I have put DD in GS and Choir with her school community. She swims at the local swim school, which many people use as well. A girl in her class this year was in her swimming class last year. Just keep her in the mix of people so she is known.

From what I have heard, there is a big reshuffling of friendship circles in Jr. High and then again in High School. (Our schools go K-6, 7&8, 9-12.) As long as she knows people and isn't a target of bullying or gets labeled as a pariah, she will probably find her tribe. I would also do everything you can to help her blend in, just so she doesn't get labeled as "different." My DD could care less about what she wears; she is still wearing Hanna playdresses (with the buttons). Her peers have moved on to Justice. DH told me to stop buying the toddler-style clothes, and I plan to start buying more mature styles this fall/winter season. That's about all I can think to do.

[twowhat?]

She doesn't sound shy or lacking confidence to me. She sounds introverted. I'm like this. My DD1 is like this. Many introverts prefer a few good friends than many acquaintances and aren't good at or simply just don't enjoy small talk and surface level relationships. Just yesterday I had time to "check in" with DD1 about friends. She's happy with her friend group, feels liked by others, feels included, doesn't desire more or fewer friends. If she's content, I'm content. I do sometimes wish that she engaged deeper in her friend relationships or branched out to other kids, but I'm choosing to focus on how she feels about it.

Personally, I didn't have a close knit group of friends until my junior year of high school. My mom used to ask me, "why don't your friends ever call you to come over and play?" I didn't honestly know at the time, and couldn't do anything about it, and given that I still have this memory at age 40 certainly indicates that my mom's question had a lot of impact on me. So, I'm really careful how I talk to DD1 about her friendships.

Yup, this. I have only ever had 1 or 2 friends AT MOST at any given time during my grade school years. I derived energy and enjoyment out of playing alone for hours at a time. There's nothing wrong with it. It sounds like her teacher doesn't think there's an issue, as she gets along easily with others. My kids are like this too. They talk about 1 friend in each of their classes. They don't seem all that much interested in making "more friends". Their teachers report that they are friendly and get along with everyone and are well-liked by their classmates. They sound JUST LIKE ME! LOL :)

I wouldn't worry too much, and try to not turn it into a negative. She will cherish her friendship with her BFF. If BFF ever moves or is no longer a BFF, she'll make another close friend in time. She just doesn't have it in her social tendencies to have more than 1 or 2 close friends at a time. And that's totally fine.

It will probably make it easier to keep tabs on her in jr high and high school:) I was a super easy kid as a teen and I think this is part of the reason.

[baymom]

I agree with the PPs who suggest she might be an introvert. Even though I'm an introvert, it took me a while to realize/accept that DD was one, as well.

I always thought it was more healthy for kids to have a gaggle of friends, but that's just not DD at all. Even though she is friendly and makes friends easily, she prefers to just have 1-2 BFFs. Still, I find it frustrating when other kids will greet her at school or soccer or somewhere and she only mumbles back a 'hi.' We have talked a lot about making eye contact and talking loud enough for the other person to hear her. She's getting better. Just like you, I worry that her friends will stop greeting her. To me, that's more about having good manners than about being 'shy.' She just started a new school this year, so the other kids don't even know her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt!

She can occupy herself alone for hours and be really happy. And, aside from her few close friends, she prefers to be by herself (or the family) to playing with other kids. She'll turn down playdates with non-BFFs and I realize now that it's because they can be too draining for her. I used to make her do playdates because I thought it was good for her and now I realize it's not that she is unfriendly, it's just too much for her. She is kind to everyone, just doesn't want to play with them. When she was younger, I used to always check in with her teachers that she was doing okay socially. I was always told she was great, and well-liked. So, over the years, I've realized that she's fine, just an introvert. Like me. :)

[daisysmom]

given that I still have this memory at age 40 certainly indicates that my mom's question had a lot of impact on me. So, I'm really careful how I talk to DD1 about her friendships.

Double underscore this!! My DD was not happy when I was skimming the social IQ books to help her with her friendships. It made her feel like she had a failing. I really do think we need to be careful to not project our worries on to our kids, as well intentioned as we are. There are bumps on the social road for every kid (or at least, I think so), but if we make too big of a deal, we are creating more of an issue.

[Simon]

It sounds like she has a strong friendship with a BFF, gets along with classmates, and just may not need or want more friends other than casual friendships. I wouldn't worry. There are some kids who just never get close to school friends and feel more emotionally close to siblings and family or friends who share a hobby/sport/activity outside of school.

[pinkmomagain]

I would agree with the previous posters. The only thing I would add is that I personally would address my child about responding to greetings from others. I think this is a basic social skill that should be worked on. Perhaps being introverted she is nervous about a "hi" turning into a conversation that she doesn't have the energy for, but I think it think it is important to "exercise that muscle" of simply being friendly.

[cvanbrunt]

Is your daughter bothered? If not, I wouldn't do anything other than work on returning greetings.

[123LuckyMom]

I would agree with the previous posters. The only thing I would add is that I personally would address my child about responding to greetings from others. I think this is a basic social skill that should be worked on. Perhaps being introverted she is nervous about a "hi" turning into a conversation that she doesn't have the energy for, but I think it think it is important to "exercise that muscle" of simply being friendly.

I agree! Returning somebody's greeting is an issue of manners, and I would talk to your DD about that and practice responding when spoken to. Even just a smile and a wave is fine. Other than that, if your DD is happy, there's really no problem. If she felt lonely or excluded, that would be different, but if she's happy, all is well.