Update in #6: My mom seriously needs to chill out

[wendibird22]

Update in post 6. Thanks all for the P&PT that you previously offered up.


Ok so you all know this ongoing medical saga with my mom. She's scheduled for sinus surgery Tuesday to remove the growth and further biopsy of tissue. I've shared that she's totally high strung and anxious already. So now she's had two pre op appointments that have totally ramped up her anxiety. I know that the doc has to do the CYA "here's all the things that could go wrong" speech but now she's utterly panicked about all that could go wrong. She's already reviewed with me what she wants to have happen if she dies. Seriously. She said to me "Joan Rivers didn't think she was going to die that day but she did!" Oh my chill the heck out. She was going to come over today to visit my DDs but texted to say that she couldn't keep her emotions in check so she isnt coming.

I'm trying my hardest to be empathetic but she's causing me to lose my own mind because I'm seriously tired of the handholding and talking her back to reality when she says "I can't help it. I am who I am." No you can help it you chose not to (she does see a therapist and does take an antidepressant but can't get past having a helpless victim mentality). I totally want to tell her that she has to get her $hit together and not call me until she does but I know that's not helpful. The only silver lining is that my dad agreed to take her to the outpatient surgery. I owe him since he's in no way obligated to do this for her.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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[2ndtimearound]

I feel for you. I know this is the BP, but I will offer you this bit of encouragement-- You are well within reasonable to put boundaries around what you can handle. You could tell her, "I can listen to you for 7-10 minutes and then I need to go tend to DC." Or "I can give you a ride and pick you up from the appointment, but I can't stay." I dunno if that is helpful, but I thought maybe there is a way to "be there for her" without getting caught up in the drama of her emotion. Anyway, I will be sending you some P&PTs for a successful surgery and no drama! :)

[wendibird22]

I appreciate the advice. I have been thinking about boundaries. I feel like if I don't then I'm just enabling the behavior. Your suggestion is good.


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[Gracemom]

It is so hard! My husband went through this with his father, who had major anxiety and several serious health problems. He was able to get him medicated but it didn't seem to help much. My husband is an only child so it was really hard for him to set boundaries. Thankfully his dad had a girlfriend that helped a lot. I hope you have some support and take care of yourself.

[Simon]

I have a parent like that, who totally will suck up all of my energy and wants me to parent her through things when life gets tough. It drives me insane and really takes me away from the work/family needs of my own. Is there any chance she can get a short-term script for anxiety? A little zanax or valium to help her (and you) get through the surgery and recovery?

[wendibird22]

I have a parent like that, who totally will suck up all of my energy and wants me to parent her through things when life gets tough. It drives me insane and really takes me away from the work/family needs of my own. Is there any chance she can get a short-term script for anxiety? A little zanax or valium to help her (and you) get through the surgery and recovery?

Yes! This! Sucking my energy and making me the parent. And she totally acknowledges the role reversal and I don't know if that makes it better or worse...cause if you know it, then do something about it! She'll say things like, "How did you learn to be so grounded" and "You are just so smart. I want to be like you when I grow up." Clearly I get my disposition from my dad. When I talked to him yesterday to thank him for sucking it up and taking my mom he said, "I just don't go through life thinking about the bad. Yes it could happen but I just go in thinking it won't. If it's my time, it's my time."

Thankfully, all is well. The doc did the surgery today and they removed the entire growth. Pathology couldn't determine anything from the frozen section while she was still under and further testing will take up to a week. But doc told my dad, no biggie, because even if the cells are cancerous, he was able to remove the entire growth easily because it was only attached by a small section. Knowing would just help inform future monitoring, but that's all. So, once she's back on her feet and feeling better it's time for me to a)set some boundaries, b)encourage her to keep seeking counseling because her worry is out of control, and c)keeping getting her house in order.