Intro for elder care

[hillview]

I thought it might be good to have a thread of intro of who has what going on re elder care.

My parents are in their mid 70s and live with us and are in pretty good shape. My mom has pre diabetes and is a stage IV cancer survivor so she has ongoing medical challenges. My MIL is in her 90s and not in good health but they live far from us. She often needs urgent care. We support them all financially.

[Zansu]

Parent/ILs are all 79-80. We're dealing with Parkinson's, relocations, possible co-housing.

My biggest frustration is loss of hearing in my mom. Every conversation is held with raised voice, which raises my blood pressure and causes me to be less than patient. She has hearing aids, but doesn't wear them if it's just family.

[hellokitty]

We do not have parents living with us, however I do think about elder care often.

1.5 yrs ago my parents moved several states away to live closer to my brother. This sounds horrible, but it has taken some of the load off of me. My dad is in his mid-70's, but has never taken care of his health. He's a walking trainwreck, his diabetes has resulted in chronic heart disease, including open heart surgery (he is about due for a re-do, but we doubt he could be a candidate), he has neuropathy, his diabetes is poorly managed, he self-medicated himself for decades (he is a retired MD... whoever said that MDs make the worst patients are completely correct) and as a result he also suffers from end-stage renal failure, which is also in part due to his diabetes. He also has back issues and refused to get treatment for that, so to me he is an accident (falls risk), waiting to happen, on top of all of his other issues. He needs to be on dialysis, but refuses, but this is MO, everything is done kicking and screaming with lots of drama and resistence. We don't think he will live for more than a couple more years. Worse yet he is NPD and has a very toxic personality (which is why I wasn't sad to see them move)... even without the chronic disease that makes him grumpy, he is already a very unpleasant person to be around, it makes it difficult to feel sorry for him when he has always been such a giant jerk to us and his own actions have led to these results (despite my mom and my brothers and I trying to dissuade his unhealthy habits). My mom is healthy, and a saint for putting up with him. However, I worry about her, the caregiver stress and what will happen once my dad dies or worse yet, she dies first for whatever reason, my father is such a bear. It sounds awful, but b/c they now live closer to my brother and my brother has never had to deal with my parents before, most of this will be on him now that they've moved closer to him. For 14 yrs, I was the one who dealt with all of this crap.

My in laws... ugh. They are luckily relatively healthy, but they live only an hr from us. Mil has hypothyroidism, but is a hypochondriac and has anxiety and depression that combined together make her a negative, needy, dramaqueen, soul-sucking, emotional vampire to be around. They only live an hour from us. However, they are very needy. Fil was always ok, until he retired and how he is stuck with mil 24/7, and going crazy, and he projects that onto dh and so my dh has been miserable for the past yr. I blame it all on mil. She needs to be on meds, but refuses to take them. We are, "stuck" with them. Bil is barely in the picture and shirks his duties as a son. He did invite them to move to their city, which is in a much nicer area... several yrs ago, but unfortunately mil wanted to stay here. Dh said that means that they are chosing US to take care of them in their old age. I cannot deal with mil and her personality/mental issues, so I avoid her as much as possible and I dread what will happen if fil dies first and mil is left. I KNOW she wants to live with us, but I feel like that will only happen if dh and I get divorced. FTR, if it were the flip situation where fil outlived mil, I would have no issue with fil coming to live with us. This is one reason why bil and sil have nothing to do with mil/fil, b/c sil could no longer tolerate mil. So, we got stuck with the boobie prize and yes, I resent it.

Both sets are emotionally draining to deal with and barely know my kids at all, due to being so wrapped up in themselves. How do you seperate the resentment that you feel with emotionally needy and aging grandparents who were also crappy parents and grandparents?

[lovin2shop]

My mom is close to 70 and my dad is 73. They live about 4 hours away, in a somewhat rural area that they moved to in retirement. It is very pretty, but it does bother me that they are out there alone and somewhat secluded. I've tried to convince them to move closer to us, but have not at all been successful. My mom has terminal brain cancer, and her life expectancy was about 14 months at diagnosis. She is at that point now, and doing very well considering. She does have lingering issues from her surgeries and radiation over the last year and half. These include vision, speech and hearing deficits, but she manages all of them pretty well. The vision issue concerns me the most, as she has little to no peripheral vision on one side and has taken a tumble on a couple of occasions. The speech issues seem to bother her the most. I haven't been able to get her to do any PT/OT or rehab type therapy, but I'm not sure exactly how much that would help overall. My Dad is not in great health, but does manage to care for my mom well. He has diabetes, which he says in control, but he eats HORRIBLY for a diabetic and never tests his levels. He has gastroparesis as result, and really struggles with it and has not found any effective medications to treat it. He also has high blood pressure and cholesterol, but did just do a full cardiac work up and is reportedly doing well. He was scheduled for angioplasty or stent a couple of weeks ago, but once they put the dye in all of the plaque moved right out of the artery, so they did not have to do anything at all. So, I worry a lot, but they seem content to make the rounds of Dr's appointments by themselves. I do struggle to get complete information on all of the medical issues from them. My parents do well financially as they both have pensions; and despite never having high dollar professional salaries, they were very big savers.

My MIL is 73, and she lives alone, and is also four hours away. She also has diabetes, though she takes better care of herself. She has macular degeneration that requires her to get injections in her eyes every month. She had a big scare a few weeks ago with a really serious eye infection post injection that could have left her blind. We have also tried to get her to move closer to us or to BIL with no luck, but clearly the vision issues could eventually cause her to change her mind. We have supported her off and on over the years, as her retirement account dwindles, I expect we will ultimately provide full support at some point.

Needless to say, I believe that I will be a big reader of this forum because we definitely have a lot of issues to face. Thank you for the getting this started Hillview!

[abh5e8]

Thankfully, mil/fil live 12 hours away, 20 mind from sil. I assume the burden will fall on her. But they are 61 and in excellent health. My dad is also 61, excellent health and has a 41 yo wife, who I assume will take care of him. :) they live 2 hours away. My mom is 60, still works and is 2 hours away. She doesn't exercise or eat well, but is so far healthy. No meds or anything. Her husband is older and not in great health... I am sort of planning on her coming to live with us later on. So... All that to say, I'm not really there yet, but it is something I want to learn more about.

[ArizonaGirl]

I worry about this a lot as my Dad just turned 70 and is scheduled to have his second knee replaced in mid-March. My mom just turned 65 and is in good health but right now my priority has been trying to get them to downsize.

They are living in a two story house (almost 3800 sq ft) on 1/3 of an acre. They are the nicest most helpful people every day, they help me with my kids (one of which has special needs), they are amazing.

I am worried though because they are products of not having much growing up and as a result have hoarding tendencies. This house is full, I mean FULL, of stuff, most of which I don't want. I am so the opposite of this, I live a relatively simple life and don't need "things" at all. They have a 4 car garage and the minivan and Miata barely fit because of all of the stuff.

I am literally overwhelmed by the thought of trying to get the house cleared out and fixed up to sell. My mom is motivated because she is feeling the toll of taking care of such a large home. My dad just doesn't seem motivated to move.

I feel very lonely because all of my friends and my husbands parents are much younger than mine so I don't really know anyone that can relate to what I am feeling.

My DH parents are a disaster, but of their own making, they are younger (early 50s).

They have been using illegal drugs for years and abusing alcohol, they don't have insurance and so they never go to the doctor, hell my FIL doesn't even have a bank account.

We are not really close to them though so we will see what happens later on.

My MIL lives about 25 minutes away from us but about 5 minutes away from BIL and his family and they are pretty close.

My FIL lives in another state...

I am more worried about my DH grandparents who live in a smaller city about 3 hours from us. My DH is their executor for their will and is responsible for releasing the monetary gifts to the 3 children (his Aunt, Uncle and Mom) and that I am dreading something fierce.

Good luck to you all, and I hope to learn a lot from here.

[DualvansMommy]

My mum will be 73 this summer with fair range of medical issues. Chronic heart disease (3 different heart attacks in span of 10 years) 4 stents put in 7-8 years ago, and 2 main arteries clogged again. High BP and high cholesterol, landed in hospital for 10 days with pneumonia last year. Lifetime smoker with 2.5 pack daily habit, but stopped as of last year. Horrendous diet management. Retired 8 years ago but went back to work private practice 4 days a week. She lives alone in a 5 bedroom house with far too much stuff/clutter, but is overseas with 3k miles between us. Her care, when she can't cope one day will fall onto me down the road, and I've no idea how to manage since she isn't very forthcoming with details.

Dad is 80, fairly good health apart from RH in his hands and shoulders. Lives in warm weather 75% year and split his time between his home country and warm state with his younger healthy wife. Wife will manage him if it ever comes to that point.

MIL is 87, lives locally and fairly healthy apart from irregular heart rhythm. On medication for it. Doesn't drive nighttime and only drives very locally daytime, but prefers FIL to drive her. Fairly mobile. FIL is fairly healthy at 79 with no issues, wear hearing aids due to some loss from age. BIL/SIL and us will manage/care for MIL if she ever becomes infirm. Townhouse is paid off, sufficient financially with good health insurance from FIL state employment. Despite their older years, I'm not as worried for them as I am for my own mum, she's the one who keeps me awake some nights.


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[MontrealMum]

So glad to see this forum!

My mom is in her 70s, divorced, and suffers from dementia. She lives in the US and I live in Canada. I put her in a retirement home against her will this summer. I was lucky in that she became hospitalized and 2 doctors were more than willing to sign off on her being incapable to make decisions. Otherwise, I would have had to take her to court :( I had previously applied successfully to the state to have her driver's license yanked, though she did contest it. Twice.

I'm an only child and make all medical and financial decisions for her. It's been difficult but she's finally coming around to accepting her situation. She got hearing aids last week and we're hoping they help with the misunderstandings, but it's hard to know if communication difficulties are due to hearing loss (which is major, she's at 30%), or to brain damage due to dementia.

We are also dealing with this with my MIL who lives local to us and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She's on some sort of medication, don't know what. No idea of the state of advancement, any estate planning that's been done, or any plans for a care facility. FIL is attempting to deal with all of this himself and refuses to discuss it. Both are in their 80s. It's a recipe for disaster.

[kdeunc]

My dad is 80 and my mom 77. Dad has a history of heart disease but otherwise is doing OK for 80 other than refusing to admit he needs hearing aids!! Mom is healthy. They just put their house on the market this week in order to move to my area. They are currently 3 hours away. It will be a good thing to have them close as they age. MIL is 67 and also now living in our area. FIL died last summer of cancer and we knew she would need to be close to us as well despite being healthy. Luckily DH and I get along with our families and having them close is not a burden.

[Neatfreak]

My mom is in her mid-'60s. She's recovering from cancer treatment and is dealing with the beginning of arthritis in her knees. And she is also the main decision-maker for my 96 year-old grandmother, who is dealing with dementia. Thankfully, she's in a care facility.

My sibling is finally moving out of my mom's house into her own place next year, so my mom is also looking to move, but seems to be struggling with the idea of actually down-sizing. The potential homes that she's keenest on have the same number of bedrooms and square footage as her current house, except there's more stairs. I don't get it. Next time I visit her city, we're going to start clearing out either the basement or the garage.

[niccig]

My Dad is 70 and has congestive heart failure (can't do surgery) and recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My mum is 68 and her health is good, though she's always been a smoker and I'm expecting that to catch up with her. They live overseas and thankfully Dad has good access to healthcare. Dad sees an OT, PT and SLP for rehab for the Parkinson's Disease and both he and mum seem to be dealing with the diagnosis better and are making changes to lifestyle to accommodate what Dad can no longer do. Mum struggled initially as she kept expecting Dad to be able to do what he used to do, she's more accepting now. She's the task master for Dad to do all his rehab homework, and Dad lets her tell him what to do. I struggle with being so far away and feeling like I can't help - I could help with his speech and swallowing issues - my role seems to be talking to both of them. They've told me things they haven't told the other or my sisters, and I've encouraged changes they need to make but weren't willing to do yet. My aunt lives part of the year with my parents and she's still in good health. She can be annoying, but she does help a great deal and I can't see Mum keeping up the large house/yard without her help now that Dad can't do as much. I can't see Mum leaving the house even after Dad dies, so I'm not sure what will happen long term. Both my sisters live overseas too, so we're kinda screwed with how much help we can give.

FIL (76) has had several health issues over the years (cardiac, tremors) and was just diagnosed with a neurological condition that affects his autonomic systems and life expectancy is only a few years. MIL and FIL were both nurses, and MIL is well placed to help FIL, but the question will be if he'll accept the help - he can be very ornery and grumpy. SIL lives about 20 minutes away and will help out too. DH is going to get back to see his Dad more often. He's also struggling with living so far away and not being able to help with day to day things. MIL is still in good health at 73, and they downsized to a smaller condo a few years back, so we can see her staying on there. She won't leave while SIL still lives in the area and she has friends there.

Both sets of parents are financially secure at the moment, so we haven't needed to help out financially. As both our fathers have progressive neurological diseases, we need to see them as much as we can while they can still be engaged and interact with us and DS, so all our vacation time will be to see family.

[Meatball Mommie]

My dad is the biggest "problem" in terms of health and care. The problem lies in that he tells me very little. He is 77 and has been an heavy smoker since he was 16. Despite having a COPD diagnosis, he continues to smoke. My mom died from cancer 15 years ago. I am an only child and my father has no other living relatives and very few friends. He lives 30 minutes from me. We have a strained relationship mostly due to lack of communication skills on my dad's part and his inability to relate to me or my children. I was very close to my mom and her passing has created a space between my dad and I instead of drawing us closer. It's hard to explain without writing a book lol.

I suspect he's at the end stages of COPD but he is extremely private and doesn't say much. He is not on oxygen but sees a pulmonologist and cardiologist. He has difficulty just walking from his car into my house and clearly needs to sit and catch his breath for a few minutes. He uses a rescue inhaler frequently. I am very frightened for him - he doesn't have much will to live, honestly, so he doesn't make the best patient. My husband says that I need to check on him more often, but I struggle with that for 2 reasons: (1) I really don't like my father and don't want to spend time with him 1-on-1 and I suspect the feeling is mutual (2) it would be so awkward for me to suddenly call him every other day out of the blue - he is very private as well. I dread his death because I imagine having to go into his home and finding him...

Luckily my IL's area in great shape. They have their minor health issues and my FIL is 82 but MIL (65) is in better shape than I am! She will do 2 back to back classes at the gym regularly and still works full time. She will be the primary caretaker of my FIL should he need it. FIL remains pretty active as well. His only problem is that he occasionally overdoes things and then pays the price. He has had both hips replaced but is otherwise physically fine. Both are mentally great and very easy to deal with. Great communicators too. We live down the street from them and see them daily.

[Percycat]

Wow. I'm glad to see this forum --- I am amazed and thrilled that Denise and Alan are so responsive to our requests and allow BabyBargains forums to grow with its members -- first with a forum for older kids and now a forum for elder care. Thank you!

DH and I were initiated into caring for others this past year. DH became the legal guardian for his older brother (49) whose physical and mental conditions prevent him from being able to live independently. DH has done a fantastic job learning all about the different programs and services available for people with BIL's disabilities and all of the requirements to get BIL accepted into these programs. Until last summer, BIL lived with FIL. DH was able to place him in a fantastic state-funded, semi-independent home setting a few miles from our house with 24 hours, full time support staff. The program provides transportation to work, educational benefits, social programs and individual living plans which encourage residents to live as independently as possible and provides supports where needed. BIL has significantly more control over his life, has appropriate safety nets in place, and is thriving. Plus, he lives only a few miles from our home making it easier for DH to provide support and for us to include BIL in family activities.

Also this summer, DH provided a lot of support to FIL. Both FIL (76) and SMIL (73) have had health issues requiring hospitalizations this past year. FIL is also showing signs of dementia, which complicates all matters and adds stress to SMIL. Last Fall, FIL and SMIL moved to FL. The sale of the local home and all its contents, the move to FL, and outstanding debt added significant stress and complexity to FIL's tenuous finances. DH did a wonderful job gracefully helping FIL navigate all of these transitions. FIL and SMIL are now established in FL (3 months). DH occasionally provides some support, but really the distance prevents us from being able to provide significant support. Both FIL and SMIL have been hospitalized since their move. I'm not sure how long they will be able to live independently -- physically and financially. I also don't know how involved we will be in making those decisions or helping with any future transitions.

MIL (73) lives a few miles from us. She regularly has health concerns that require medical attention and occasional hospitalization. SIL is very close to MIL (73) and is most involved in providing support. SIL and MIL used to travel extensively. Unfortunately due to MIL's declining health, they have been unable to travel for the past couple years. MIL is still very active locally. Her mom lived into her 90s and did not have dementia until the last couple years, so I expect MIL will be independent for many years. MIL is financially responsible, has assets and a financial plan, and should be able to meet her needs and wants for a long time.

My parents live a few houses from me. Both are very active and have an insane travel schedule. They just recently returned from a 12 visit to Patagonia -- this was the first time I really noticed travel being stressful. While on this trip, they cancelled a Baltic cruise they had scheduled in June -- wanting to spend more time at home. My dad (72) has just completed treatment for a very aggressive form of prostate cancer. He has had two post-op PSA tests with extremely low numbers --- which is great news. My dad had been learning Spanish -- but when he was diagnosed, decided it was a waste of time to learn a new language. After his most recent PSA test, he decided to start learning again. : ) My mom (68) has heart and blood pressure issues. She gets out of breath easily -- sometimes unpredictably. I'm not sure how well the doctors are at managing her condition and I'm not sure how good a patient my mother is. She is the type of person who won't tell you she has a problem. I imagine it is very difficult for doctors to provide her care if she doesn't let them know about problems. I personally always see her as a strong person, so I am often naive about my mother's health. My parents are financially conservative and have prepared well for their future.

My parents were both care givers for their mothers, who died within the last 12 years. I was blessed to live near my parents and grandparents during this time and observed my parents and assisted in the care given to my grandmothers. I hope I am as caring and supportive as they were.

I am thankful we have this place to support, share with, and learn from each other.

[pharmjenn]

I haven't had to worry about any of this acutely until 2 weeks ago when my 84yo father had a massive heart attack. He was previously healthy (well, he won't go to the doctor, so nothing was known) except for increasing blindness. He lives alone in a 4 story house, and has made his wishes clear that he wants to remain in his house even if he needs a bed in the living room.
He had a heart cath and stent placement, with a diagnosis of heart failure and heart arrhythmia for which he now has to take 5 medications daily. Dad lives in Virginia, with 2 of my siblings nearby. I am in CA, and our last sister in Oregon. I spent last week with him, in the bitter cold so he won't go outside except to doctor appointments. My local siblings both work full time and can't take too much more time off. Dad isn't cooking, isn't cleaning (dishes etc, he keeps himself clean) and refuses to allow a helper/cleaning person in (although he knows we bring in cleaners a couple times a year when he was travelling)
Since he still in fully oriented, we can't do anything legally to change his situation. We are hoping if the cardiologist tells him he is not allowed to do laundry, worry about cooking etc, then he will allow us to bring in a "helper" to do these things for him.

[94bruin]

My mom is in her 70s, my dad his early 80s. They are both in relative good health. The lived with us for a few years when they first moved to California. They have since moved one town away (10-15 min drive depending on traffic.)

My mom helps with my girls, which is a godsend. She's just a meddling mom, which is something I've lived with all my life, so nothing new. Now it's advice on how we should eat healthier, eat certain vitamins, etc. What the girls should be doing, etc.

My Dad's main issue is his hearing loss and slowing of his reflexes. When they first moved to California, it was apparent that he really should give up driving, or at least reduce it. Mom kept saying things like "you're just not used to it." In any case, the rule is that he cannot drive my kids around. For the most part, they listen to that rule. He also only drives during the day. My mom does do the bulk of the driving, even though she hates it.

What I'm trying to do now is to help them set up a trust (DH is really on me about this as my parents are older than his mom, though in better health.) I'm also trying to help them figure out their final plans. For all of my life, my mom has said that she doesn't want any heroic actions taken on her part, wants to just die when it's time. I get it, but I'm trying to have her realize there are nuances to this desire. She's also adamant about being cremated and is trying to decide what she wants done with her ashes.

My brother lives in the Bay Area, so I can lean on him for help.

As for MIL (dear FIL passed away right before we were married), she's something else. I've asked the board for help previously with her. She's a thorn in DH's side. She lives in her own home about 30 mins away from us. About 2 summers ago, she fainted, drove herself to the hospital(!) and was admitted. She eventually had a pacemaker placed. While she was in the hospital, DH went through her PILES of unopened mail and discovered that she had failed to pay taxes for almost 10 years! OMG! It's a mess that DH is still trying to dig her out of. They are in the final stages of clearing up the mess, just waiting on the IRS at this point. She also made some huge investment mistakes during that time that cost her a lot of money.

She eats horribly and doesn't take good care of her health. She also is horrible with money. Luckily, the IRS fiasco is making her realize that she needs to cede some control to DH. For a few years after FILS's death, DH help with finances. However, she eventually pushed him away, saying that she could do it all.

I have made it clear that in no circumstances will I allow her to live with us. I told her that she will just have to go to Chicago to live with her precious 1st born son (yes, she plays favorites.) Oh, and does BIL help? Nope, it's DH that does all the work.

[MamaKath]

My dad and stepmom are in their mid 70s, on their own (within an hour drive from me), working towards preparing to move to some kind of 55+, and dealing with some health issues (joint replacements, Stage 0 breast cancer) but overall doing well.

My in-laws are in their late 70s, on their own (within an hour from me), and with numerous health issues (Parkinson's, severe depression, macular degeneration, fused neck/back). I am minimally involved for a number of reasons.

I was my mom's care provider as she battled a rare form of uterine cancer. I commuted many hours each way caring for her and eventually moved home to provide care. She has since passed and I am still here for a number of reasons, including remaining closer in distance to all the other parental units.

[gatorsmom]

Both of my parents are dead. I talked about a lot of my challenges with my dad here while it was going on. I'm not sure if I should be greatrul or not but neither of my parents ended up needing serious care. My dad was living with chemo and doing well. He was still living alone, working part time and traveling with friends regularly. He died in his sleep. My mom was diagnosed with metastasized cancer and decided not to fight it the second time she had it. She was still traveling with my dad until about 6weeks before she died. She was only bedridden for 3 weeks. My dad took care of her at the time.

Now my ILS are starting to struggle with their health. My MIL has a number of health issues but her biggest problem is that she is a full-blown alcoholic and completely in denial. They hang out with and travel with a big group of other retired alcoholics. FIL can control his drinking but she can't and she is always feeling poorly (or more likely hung over and dehydrated). We live on the other side of the country from them and don't see them much. DH's siblings live much closer (all within driving distance) and yet they want us to stage an intervention. I'm mainly staying out of it and leaving it to Dh and his sibs to figure out.

What fascinates me about them is that my DH was the problem child growing up. He was always in trouble (I'm pretty sure he had ADHD) and all my ILS friends and DH's cousins say he was always causing problems. I think my FIL honestly didn't like his son, even into adulthood. Now the tables have totally turned. Dh is wildly successful, far surpassed his siblings and even his successful father with his career. He's also become a caring father and well-rounded person. My ILs have been forced to begrudgingly admit that Dh makes much better decisions with his life and that they should listen to his opinions, especially when it comes to thoughts on their future welfare.

I I have a couple of elderly aunts that have outlived their retirement funds who are healthy and being taken care of by their children that I send money too. I know my cousins don't have the money to support their elderly parents so I'm happy to help. I'd be happy to have one of the local aunts move in with us(we certainly have the room and my kids are at an easy age), but I don think my aunt wants to leave the house she has been living in for 50 years.

[maestramommy]

My mom is 72, my dad is 84. Dad has mid to late stage Alzheimer's, so last fall they sold their home and moved in with us. We are a little over halfway into a trial period of a year. So far it's going well, but it's really giving the entire family, kids included, a close up view to this disease. The plan is for Dad to stay home until his care becomes unsustainable for Mom (with our support), or he is in need of nursing care.

I started blogging about our journey to keep friends and family updated on Dad's condition and also to help me process :P. See link in my siggy if you're interested. I just saw that there is a forum here for elder care so I'll be checking in more often.

[o_mom]

My mom is 72, my dad is 84. Dad has mid to late stage Alzheimer's, so last fall they sold their home and moved in with us. We are a little over halfway into a trial period of a year. So far it's going well, but it's really giving the entire family, kids included, a close up view to this disease. The plan is for Dad to stay home until his care becomes unsustainable for Mom (with our support), or he is in need of nursing care.

I started blogging about our journey to keep friends and family updated on Dad's condition and also to help me process :P. See link in my siggy if you're interested. I just saw that there is a forum here for elder care so I'll be checking in more often.

Thank you so much for the blog! It is such a hard journey and it helps to see other perspectives.