Do your parents and ILs have a plan for their eldercare?

[gatorsmom]

I think it's such an important conversation to have and yet most people avoid it. So I thought I'd get a thread going.

Have you talked to your parents? ILs? Do you or your SO (or siblings) have power of attorney? Do your parents have a will? Have your parents completed a "do not resuscitate?"

[ArizonaGirl]

My parents have thought way ahead on this and have a will, trust, power of atty, etc.

They also have Long Term Care Insurance and are financially fine.

IL on the other hand live paycheck to paycheck and do not have a will, power of atty, or really anything. They make very poor living, health choices, and both are on state provided insurance so they are a bit of a disaster.

My parents are 65 and 70.

IL are early 50's.

[niccig]

ILs are all set - MIL worked as a nurse administrator in nursing homes. They've had everything planned for years.

My parents weren't as prepared, but they've started to do things since my father had diagnosis of congestive heart failure and now he has Parkinson's. They've done their will, power of attorney and all of that paperwork. Financially they should be fine and they live in a country with universal healthcare, so no concerns with health insurance. They're starting to talk to us now about things, but only when I ask questions.

I don't see us needing to help either set of grandparents out financially. The main issue is going to be distance as we don't live close to them. SIL lives near the ILs, so she can help. None of my siblings leave near my parents, but my aunt lives nearby and my parents are late 60's, so still young.

[georgiegirl]

MILs plan is that we take care of her. She has little money and isn't a citizen. (Not her fault since she came from a former communist country.)

My mom probably won't live long enough for long term elder care. She has a rare type of blood cancer. Although she's far from rich, she has money saved and has a will set up.

My dad is a huge spender, and he has zero plans. Fortunately he's healthy and his wife is 8 years younger than him.


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[vludmilla]

My IL's are in great shape and they will probably be very healthy for a long time given genetics and their very active and healthy lifestyle.

My mom is a mess health wise (RA, thyroid disease, high blood pressure, morbidly obese) and she isn't active or a healthy eater. I imagine she won't have as long a lifespan as she should as a result. My sister is financially dependent on her and lives with her so that is probably my mom's "care plan". She has some savings and a defined benefit pension so she should be ok financially.

My dad is a major spendthrift. He is almost 67 and still working part-time. He couldn't make it financially if he wasn't able to work. I don't know what will happen if he gets really sick; it worries me sometimes. Like a PP, he has a much younger girlfriend so perhaps that will help.

[abh5e8]

Yes, thankfully they all have a plan. And so far are in excellent health. So no DNR or power of attorney yet.. They are all still working professionals. But I agree with the OP...it's so important for everyone to have a plan and for family to be aware of what the plan is.

[DualvansMommy]

Mum has a will, no power of attorney and not in great health either. She lives in a country with universal healthcare plus some private insurance, she's gonna need that considering her serious health issues. Lives in a paid off house with defined pension plus income from working 4 days in private practice. Despite being the longest living (her parents died in 50's and late 60's respectively) as a 72 senior citizen, I don't foreseen her living beyond the 80's. Main issue is distance factor for LTC if it ever comes up.

Father is 80, fairly healthy with much younger wife. Both are very set with wills, investments, insurance and power of attorneys.

IL's have will, not sure about power of attorney. Doubt it, ok financially with pension and 401K retirement funds, live in a modest paid off town home. MIL have couple health issues at 87, but otherwise fine. FIL is fairly healthy with some hearing loss as 79 years old. We anticipate them live fairly long life from genetics & family history. Not sure what to do about FIL if MIL goes first, as he can cook basic meals for himself, drives daytime but we all live locally so am sure probably check in and such. I don't want FIL to live with us in our home though.


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[hellokitty01]

Well, my dad's plan is that he will die before my mom will, so she can take care of him. He doesn't care what happens to her. Mil's plan is to move in with us... that's not happening. I will take my mom or my fil, but not my mil or my dad. It's interesting that the ones who are the most difficult are also the ones arrogant enough to assume that others will take care of them.

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[gatorsmom]

My parents are dead. They had a will done long before they needed it. My dad signed power of attorney and DNR befire he went in for surgery to remove his bladder (cancer). He didn't want to talk about (neither did I really), but since he was in the hospital bed waiting to go into surgery, it's not like he could walk away from me. I think I remember that the nurse witnessed it.

While all that was going on, ILs were staying with us helping with the kids. I talked to them about how important it was to make sure it was all in place. FIL looked me in the eye and said, oh you don't have to worry about that. We have everything squared away including money set aside and and a place chosen for our long term care facility if we need it. Ive since found out that none of that was true. It was all a bald-faced lie. Maybe he didn't want to talk to me about it but then why not just say that? He must have known id tell DH what was said. I wish I could use that as an excuse to stop worrying about what happens to them, but it's never that simple, is it?

[mmommy]

My parents have thought way ahead on this and have a will, trust, power of atty, etc.

They also have Long Term Care Insurance and are financially fine.

IL on the other hand live paycheck to paycheck and do not have a will, power of atty, or really anything. They make very poor living, health choices, and both are on state provided insurance so they are a bit of a disaster.

My parents are 65 and 70.

IL are early 50's.

This is exactly us, except my folks are both 70 and ILs are mid-50s. We live far from ILs and we have our own expenses, I don't know that we'll be able to do much to help them. DH's siblings are local to ILs but in even worse shape (addiction) so I'm really unsure what will happen to ILs. MIL is in very poor health already. I'm so frustrated with their consistent bad choices that I'm not sure I'd be able to help them out without becoming too resentful for it to actually be helpful. I'm trying to work on myself about that.

[specialp]

Both of our parents have taken care of their parents through moving in, eventual nursing home in the final weeks, and death and the tough financial and medical decisions that come up with that. I know my side has everything taken care of, we've been over the paperwork, LTC ins., and had discussions on scenarios, etc. It was an easy discussion for us because we witnessed the bad of not doing it. I do not know about ILs, but I seriously doubt it. They are smart people who have BTDT, but they procrastinate. They are in good health now.

[NCGrandma]

I'm not really the target audience for this thread, but I do have some perspective on it. Over 20 years ago, my parents moved to a continuing care retirement community so neither they nor I (only-child) had to make decisions on an urgent basis. They spent over 8 active years in an independent apartment, then were able to move together to an assisted living apartment on the same campus when my mother began to develop dementia. For the last 6 months of their lives, they lived together in the nursing care part of campus. (They died 2 days apart in September 2001, a week before 9/11... bad time for my family.)

My family and I were impressed by how seamless a good CCRC made the process of moving from independence to needing more help. With that experience, I got on the waiting list after they died and moved into the same CCRC as soon as I was old enough to qualify (65), even though I was still working. I've been very happy, and my family feels much less of the kind of pressure some PPs describe.


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[niccig]

I'm not really the target audience for this thread, but I do have some perspective on it. Over 20 years ago, my parents moved to a continuing care retirement community so neither they nor I (only-child) had to make decisions on an urgent basis. They spent over 8 active years in an independent apartment, then were able to move together to an assisted living apartment on the same campus when my mother began to develop dementia. For the last 6 months of their lives, they lived together in the nursing care part of campus. (They died 2 days apart in September 2001, a week before 9/11... bad time for my family.)

My family and I were impressed by how seamless a good CCRC made the process of moving from independence to needing more help. With that experience, I got on the waiting list after they died and moved into the same CCRC as soon as I was old enough to qualify (65), even though I was still working. I've been very happy, and my family feels much less of the kind of pressure some PPs describe.


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A friend's mother did this and he's commented that it's made the process so less stressful. I plan to do the same. I think the chance of us living near DS is pretty slim, and it will mean less worry for him.

[legaleagle]

Just a note on Powers of Attorney - it's so important they're signed before something happens. Once a person is seriously disabled, they may no longer be competent and then you have to go through guardianship proceedings which are 1) very expensive 2) can be quite lengthy 3) not infrequently contenious and 4) are usually open public record so everyone and their brother can read about it if they want. That said, it's highly unusual that someone that has a professionally done will does not also have powers of attorney, they are generally a package deal.

On a more personal note, both sets of parents are divorced, only my mom and father are remarried. My mom & stepfather are both in good health, plenty of money, as is my FIL (state pension). My siblings and I are currently not speaking to my father - he's having some kind of dementia issues that lead to him being super paranoid and saying horrible unforgivable things to my sister so we've all pretty much communicating. In the midst of this he abruptly married his girlfriend which is good - now we don't have any residual issues with not intervening when the time comes. MIL has become a shut-in since she retired 3 years ago (also has state pension + SS so doing ok financially for now) and AFAIK has not been to the doctor since despite having some health issues. DH is not at all close to his family and his brother lives near his mom so he gets the brunt of dealing with her weirdness.

[NCGrandma]

Just a note on Powers of Attorney - it's so important they're signed before something happens. Once a person is seriously disabled, they may no longer be competent and then you have to go through guardianship proceedings which are 1) very expensive 2) can be quite lengthy 3) not infrequently contenious and 4) are usually open public record so everyone and their brother can read about it if they want. That said, it's highly unusual that someone that has a professionally done will does not also have powers of attorney, they are generally a package deal. to .

Definitely, but a couple additional caveats, based on my experience dealing with my parents' stuff and setting up my own paperwork:
1. Some financial institutions rejected a perfectly good POA because it was not on their special forms. At that point, I had the choice of having my mother with dementia sign new bank forms or enlisting their attorney to try to fight it...
2. Sometimes, state laws change in ways that make it prudent to re-do the POA forms. My attorney recommended this a few years ago, while we were updating some other stuff.


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[legaleagle]

Definitely, but a couple additional caveats, based on my experience dealing with my parents' stuff and setting up my own paperwork:
1. Some financial institutions rejected a perfectly good POA because it was not on their special forms. At that point, I had the choice of having my mother with dementia sign new bank forms or enlisting their attorney to try to fight it...
2. Sometimes, state laws change in ways that make it prudent to re-do the POA forms. My attorney recommended this a few years ago, while we were updating some other stuff.


Yes on 1, though fortunately recent state laws are stronger is forcing them to accept them. Definitely update as needed - many many states have passed laws recently, and older ones aren't invalidated by these new laws though they are often harder to use. But any competently drafted one is way better than nothing. It also goes to show intent as far a court ordered guardianship as to wishes on who is appointed, which would smooth the way if it comes to that.

[pharmjenn]

My father was in great health until a month ago when he suffered a massive heart attack and now has heart failure and arrhythmias. He is military though, so through Medicare and Tricare (military retirement plan) he has free medical care and only pays a copay for his medications (for which he now takes a bunch.) He made a trust and will years ago, as well as a Medical Advance Directive, naming his children as executors. Depending on which child is nearby (2 of us live across the country) that one will be responsible for acute medical decisions if it comes to that.
He has plenty of money to pay for a care team at his house if needed, as that is what he desires, rather than moving somewhere. I really hope we are able to comply with his wishes.
My mother has no money, but decent Medicare healthcare. I don't know what she has planned if she becomes unable to care for herself.

[o_mom]

ILs are deceased, though MIL had no plan and SIL took her in when she entered hospice care (and I am forever grateful).

My parents have LTC insurance and are well off. It is one less thing to worry about, but it is still a very tough road.

[mytwosons]

My parents had their trust, PoAs, etc., done way before they were needed. They also took out cadillac LTC policies when my mom was in her 50s and my dad in his 60s. I was so grateful to be able to have everything at my fingertips when it was needed. They also moved into a CCRC, which made later moves for both of them much easier.

I doubt my ILs have anything. They are divorced and neither are in good health (although they are young). Fortunately, they both remarried younger spouses who can care for them.

[Still-in-Shock]

I asked my mom years ago what she wanted to do once she couldn't care for herself, and she just didn't know. She finally told me this week that she wants to remain at home, not move in with any of the kids, and have home health care visit and live in. Not what I would have suggested, but now I know what to do!

[jren]

My mom has gone to great lengths to plan for her eventual incapacitation, even though she is completely healthy and may never need nursing home care. It's her worse fear. She has me on her bank account so I can access funds. She's given me POA and also gone above a typical DNR to spell out exactly what she won't allow (no feeding tubes, nothing). DNR is not enough to ensure you will not be forced to live out your life in a vegetative state.



I doubt my in-laws have any plan for sudden disability. They will likely enter a local retirement home where you have to give them all your assets since that's what most people do there.

[JBaxter]

My inlaws do. They have some type of nursing home insurance plan. My mom is financially stable but neither my sister / brother or I would allow her to go to a nursing home for any reason.

[Twoboos]

Both my parents passed away in 2008. We had all the health care and legal POAs before then.

MIL is still living on her own and should be able to continue to do so for a long time, IMO. She also has some nursing home insurance plan, although the rates are going up either this year or next. She has seen what it's like to have her mother in assisted living so knows this is best as she lives far from us and SIL.

FIL... who knows. He's an odd duck. I doubt DH has discussed it with him.

[gatorsmom]

I'm watching some cousins struggle with this stuff right now. My 96yo great aunt (my late grandfather's baby sister) fell down in the middle of the night while making her way to the bathroom. She broke her pelvis, collarbone and needed stitches in her forehead. Then while at the hospital she was diagnosed with pneumonia. Her mind is still sharp and she has an incredible memory. I have never talked to her about end-of life stuff because she has 4 very concerned children who are very loving and active in her life. But apparently she never named POA and didn't complete her DNR paperwork and the kids can't agree. To their credit you couldn't tell by being around them that they were fighting but one of the kids made it clear. This "kid" is my great aunt's 70 yo daughter Ellie who is an urgent care doctor and lives on the other side of the country. Never married and had no kids. When I called her to ask how her mom was she told me that she doesn't expect her mom to leave the hospital. She said the physical therapist came in to work with her mom and she shewed her away saying her mom lived long enough and there aren't enough resourced on the earth to support everyone as it is. Her mother should be made very comfortable and let it naturally progress to the end. And then she went on to tell me how her siblings have different ideas and are sleeping over night in their mom's room to put ideas into her head. Apparently Ellie's siblings got their way because yesterday my aunt was moved back to her nursing home into a more advanced care section and they were starting physical therapy. My aunt seemed to enjoy visiting with me and kept her hand very tightly around mine so I stayed with her a long time. I could tell her other 3 kids weren't ready to let her go (and frankly she didn't seem ready either!). Maybe it's because they live locally and spend a lot of time with her. But it must be frustrating to everyone involved to argue about something so serious and with the potential to destroy family relationships. My aunt needs to name a POA. I think because her mind is so clear and sharp she doesn't want anyone making decisions for her. Maybe she doesn't trust her kids. I don't know. But it's really a mess.

[94bruin]

After several years about telling my parents to get a trust/will/dpoa, etc done, we finally met with a lawyer yesterday. They were going to do it via software, but I convinced them that it would be better done through a lawyer. Considering the questions my dad asked, I'm glad they agreed to meet with a lawyer.

However, in terms of wishes, my mom has always been very clear that she doesn't want any heroic measures taken. Actually, our/their health plan (Kaiser Permanente) has a great form that is generally lauded in medical circles. They already had that filled out, so at least the hospital has that on file. We have notarized forms for those already.

[lizzywednesday]

My mother is more inclined than my father to do this kind of planning, but my stepfather is not. (In fact, after their over 20 years together and 16 years of marriage, he's still resistant to even do a quickie will, and this is AFTER seeing his children tear themselves apart over their mother's estate. She died, suddenly, shortly before his youngest son got married, and she was intestate. The disposal and management of the estate was so contentious among the children AND their father that two of them no longer speak to each other ... and one is currently not speaking to my stepfather.)

My father reminds me that he's got nothing to his name so he doesn't need a will. He's disinclined to consider the healthcare stuff as well, despite going through heck with Nana over her end-of-life care. I suspect that he expects my siblings and I to take care of everything when the time comes and I'm not looking forward to it. (Dad is going on 64 and in less than stellar health; Mom is going on 62 and quite fit, though she has arthritis, scoliosis, and has had hip & knee surgery; stepfather is 74 and in generally good health, though he's a cancer survivor with a recently detected recurrence. Dad is also remarried; stepmother is in her 50s.)

[citymama]

Shudder. No. And they're all in their 70s (knock on wood, in good health). I worry about my ILs bc they live in the country quite isolated from a community. I worry about my parents because my sister and I live so far away from them.