This is unreasonable .. About a dog

[niccig]

FIL recently was diagnosed with progressive neurological disease, and he may have 1-2 years to live. MIL knows he wants another dog as he has missed his last dog who died 2 years. MIL has refused to get one. She is now saying she will get FIL a dog but only if DH takes the dog after FIL dies as she doesn't want it.

I told DH we are not getting another dog. We had awful experience 10 years ago with a 2nd dog and had to rehome her. I'm not getting a 2nd dog. Our current dog is very easy to care for, we have an agreement with friends to pet sit for each other when go out of town etc. A 2nd dog changes all of that and makes things more difficult. And it may not get along with our current dog but it'll be our problem.

DH says then his dad won't get a dog which will help him be happy in his last years. . MIL is playing guilt trip card and I'm not playing along. I say it's on MIL to make that decision and care for the dog after FIL dies or SHE finds a new home for the dog. There are other options other than us.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Get the dog. Work on making future arrangements later. I imagine if you start spreading the word that you'll find some takers.
I'm sorry about your FIL.


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[mytwosons]

Wow. She is trying to manipulate your husband and play the two of you against each other. I hope your husband sees what she is doing...

[ahisma]

Get the dog. MIL is in the middle of a grief process and is likely very apprehensive about the coming year, and her life after FIL passes. Many, many things can change between now and then.

[doberbrat]

that is awful. I feel so sorry for your FIL and your DH. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work. A dog is a living breathing thing with a personality etc. I do not think its reasonable for them to get a dog with the plan being you will take over the dog in 1-2yrs with no input on its choosing, raising etc. Its not a painting you can say, well, I dont like it, I'll stick it in a closet.

[spunkybaby]

I say it's on MIL to make that decision and care for the dog after FIL dies or SHE finds a new home for the dog. There are other options other than us.

Yes, why doesn't your MIL make arrangements with your SIL to take care of the dog? Don't they live close by each other, so she can help choose the dog, etc.?

[StantonHyde]

If you have to get the dog, adopt a senior dog! That way it will be a good companion for FIL--with similar energy levels etc. There are programs for 2 footed seniors to adopt 4 footed seniors. This also minimizes the amount of time anybody has to care for the dog after FIL passes.

And, yes, your MIL is being a big jerk!!

[mmommy]

I'd have DH tell MIL that he'll help her to re-home the dog after FIL passes/they can no longer care for it, but not promise to take the dog himself.

[DualvansMommy]

If you have to get the dog, adopt a senior dog! That way it will be a good companion for FIL--with similar energy levels etc. There are programs for 2 footed seniors to adopt 4 footed seniors. This also minimizes the amount of time anybody has to care for the dog after FIL passes.

And, yes, your MIL is being a big jerk!!

That would be my suggestion too. I wouldn't get a puppy/young dog under any circumstances in your situation. It isn't fair to anyone, dog included.


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[BunnyBee]

What? No. A dog isn't a stuffed thing with no feelings. A dog that would work for FIL might not work for a busy family. That's crazy.

I agree with StantonHyde that adopting a senior dog could be a workable situation for FIL and MIL, but their decision is their problem to solve. They shouldn't be foisting something that can live 10-15 years and cost $$$$$ on you out of guilt. That's crap.

[klwa]

If you have to get the dog, adopt a senior dog! That way it will be a good companion for FIL--with similar energy levels etc. There are programs for 2 footed seniors to adopt 4 footed seniors. This also minimizes the amount of time anybody has to care for the dog after FIL passes.

And, yes, your MIL is being a big jerk!!

That's what I was thinking, too. Get an older dog.

[khalloc]

I think it would be very irresponsible to get a dog when they are unsure of what will happen to it after your FIL passes. MAYBE adopt a senior dog, and I mean like a dog that is at least 10 years old.

[KpbS]

Yes, get an older dog and work out the arrangements later. What a piece of work!! :hug:

[trcy]

I really don't think mil is being fair to you or the potential dog.


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[bisous]

I feel for your FIL. Your MIL's plan is not a good one though. Under no circumstances should you accept a dog if that doesn't work for your family! I see no reason why there cannot be some kind of arrangement made where your FIL can enjoy the companionship of a dog and after he passes, it can go to a family that has been in his life. I guess I'm thinking of my Dad's latest dog. A family in our church congregation got a dog and then they realized that their youngest son was leaving for college and nobody would be home to play with him any more. They gave the dog to my dad (who wanted an older well trained dog) but when they want to see him, they just come and pick him up and spend time with him. That is the world's most loved dog! He has the best life ever and has brought so much joy to so many people. Maybe suggest some kind of arrangement like that?

[niccig]

SIL who has 2 dogs lives nearby but won't take another dog. There's another sister, I don't know if she's been asked. But it's crazy to try to guilt someone into taking a dog. DH wants to help his dad, and I've suggested he helps find a dog and then helps his mother rehome the dog later if she doesn't want it, but I am not agreeing to a 2nd dog.

I agree it's manipulative and it will definitely be a topic discussed in marriage counseling this week. I don't think DH sees it, he just wants to help his dad.

[o_mom]

I agree with looking for a senior-ish dog 6-10 years old, depending on breed would be good.

I will add that having a dog has been a huge help to my family member with dementia, but the spouse was willing to take it on and we had a dog in the family already that went to live there. The original owners will take the dog back as well. So...different situation, but the dog was a huge positive influence.

[doberbrat]

I feel for your FIL. Your MIL's plan is not a good one though. Under no circumstances should you accept a dog if that doesn't work for your family! I see no reason why there cannot be some kind of arrangement made where your FIL can enjoy the companionship of a dog and after he passes, it can go to a family that has been in his life. I guess I'm thinking of my Dad's latest dog. A family in our church congregation got a dog and then they realized that their youngest son was leaving for college and nobody would be home to play with him any more. They gave the dog to my dad (who wanted an older well trained dog) but when they want to see him, they just come and pick him up and spend time with him. That is the world's most loved dog! He has the best life ever and has brought so much joy to so many people. Maybe suggest some kind of arrangement like that?

Great when it works out, but someone has to WANT the dog. it seems like in this case, the only person who wants the dog is FIL. - and not only does he potentially only have 1-2yrs to live, he is likely unable to care for the dog himself.

OP, give your DH credit for wanting to make his dying father happy. I can understand that. But do make him understand that MIL is being unreasonable to your family. Honestly, I think she still does not want the dog but wants to make you the "bad guy."

I'm sorry she's put you and your dh in this position.

[California]

They could be a good fit for temporarily fostering dogs. There're two nonprofits that link up military members looking for long-term foster care for their dogs while they are on deployment. That might be something that could work for them.

[anonomom]

{small voice} I don't think your MIL is being that bad. If I'm reading the OP correctly, your FIL wants a dog and your DH would prefer for him to have one. MIL doesn't want a dog and will almost certainly be left in two years to care for the animal she never wanted in the first place, while also grieving for your FIL. So she's seeing if someone else will agree beforehand to take the dog off her hands when the inevitable happens.

Curious, how did your husband become the designated dog-receiver? Did he say anything to his mom about getting FIL a dog? In this particular instance, I think context is really important.

Regardless, it's a bad situation all around because there is no solution that works well for everyone. I'm sorry all of you are dealing with this.

[abh5e8]

Let fil get the dog. I agree with an older dog. You can take it later, and find it another home. If mil is demanding you then keep it forever, she is being super unreasonable.

[mackmama]

I am shocked to hear so many people saying "get the dog" when there is no true plan for what would happen to that poor dog after FIL passes. I agree with you, OP, that you should hold firm. You should not agree to take on a dog if it doesn't work for your family. Too many dogs end up being statistics at shelters.

One idea is having a pet visit your FIL regularly. Either a friend's dog (or your own). There are also services for seniors where animals will visit and snuggle seniors regularly. You might want to call PAWS and ask if they have any resources for after the senior human passes. http://www.paws.org/cats-and-dogs/adopt/seniors-for-seniors/

[icunurse]

I don't agree with getting a dog. Your MIL has no interest in one and your FIL will progressively get worse/die within a year or two? Who is going to actually take care of this dog during that time? Much less after? I'm really sorry that all of you are going through this, but unless someone willingly agrees to take care of that dog, don't bring one into the mix. It's the shock and grief acting out right now, but bringing a dog, even an older one, into a home shouldn't be made as a known temporary decision IMO. I'd call around to your local vets and kennel clubs and see if they can hook you up with a therapy dog to visit. All the joy of a dog and none of the responsibility.

[JElaineB]

I may be off base here but it sounds like your MIL (who would be the one caring for the dog) said "NO" originally but your DH thinks it would be a good idea for his dad to have a dog in his final year or two. I know your MIL is normally a huge PITA and manipulator, but honestly it sounds like she is trying to give your FIL and husband what they want but not be stuck with a dog after FIL passes away. I do not blame her for the possible solution of you taking the dog afterwards if your husband has been encouraging it. Now YOU have to say to DH "no way in hell" so you end up being the bad guy. Totally sucks, but I don't blame either you or MIL for saying NO. Wash, rinse, repeat. It does not sound like a good idea to get a dog at this point for any of you.

[niccig]

I may be off base here but it sounds like your MIL (who would be the one caring for the dog) said "NO" originally but your DH thinks it would be a good idea for his dad to have a dog in his final year or two. I know your MIL is normally a huge PITA and manipulator, but honestly it sounds like she is trying to give your FIL and husband what they want but not be stuck with a dog after FIL passes away. I do not blame her for the possible solution of you taking the dog afterwards if your husband has been encouraging it. Now YOU have to say to DH "no way in hell" so you end up being the bad guy. Totally sucks, but I don't blame either you or MIL for saying NO. Wash, rinse, repeat. It does not sound like a good idea to get a dog at this point for any of you.

It was MILs idea to get FIL a dog, as she knows it will make FIL happy. She admits she doesn't want a dog, but would care for it while FIL is alive, which Is a big deal for her to do. It's what to do with the dog after FIL dies - she does not want a dog then. I don't know whose idea it was for us to take on the dog. DH and DS just visited her and i asked if she's still planning on a dog and what kind... DH replies kind of dog depends on what WE want. I said "we're not taking it on". If they do go ahead and get a dog, that's on them.

[Corie]

I am shocked to hear so many people saying "get the dog" when there is no true plan for what would happen to that poor dog after FIL passes. I agree with you, OP, that you should hold firm. You should not agree to take on a dog if it doesn't work for your family. Too many dogs end up being statistics at shelters.




I completely agree with you!!

[California]

Losing a parent is so hard. Do your think your DH may have offered in the "I'll do anything for you, Dad," mind-set? At the same time, it's really tough to be in your shoes as the reasonable adult. My DH had to keep me from doing some crazy things when I was in the midst of grief. Hopefully your DH will come to appreciate that you are able to think clearly when he can't. In the long term, you are doing the right thing. Taking in a dog is something both spouses should agree on (and it's a requirement on all the rescue organization adoption forms I've read.) Plus, who's going to care for a dog while your FIL is more incapacitated and needs more medical care?

I almost forgot that my aunt temporarily brought home a kitten for her DH when he was dying from cancer. They only had the cat for maybe three months before my uncle passed away. I think they found someone through their church who was willing to adopt the cat once my uncle had passed. That cat did bring her DH a lot of joy- they were cuddle partners. Does your MIL have a church community or any other group she could ask? Or maybe a rescue would be willing to place an older dog as a long-term foster. Some older dogs are harder to adopt out and end up in long term foster care.

[Momit]

I would not suggest getting the dog at all. It may seem like a good idea now, but when FIL's illness enters its final stages I'm not sure your MIL or anyone will want the responsibility of having a dog and feeding, exercising, etc. I like the idea of looking into a hospice service dog or similar to visit regularly. Additionally, many rescue groups have what they call "forever foster" homes where older dogs can go to live out their remaining years. They would provide for the dog and offer resources to help care for it. And they would probably take it back should it outlive your FIL.

[LBW]

I think the previous poster's suggestion of fostering is a great one. Your FIL would get to enjoy the dog for 2-6 months, and once it was adopted, your in laws could decide whether or not to foster again. Fostering is also very rewarding -- you are not only saving the life of the dog you foster, but you are also opening up a spot in a shelter for another homeless pup.

[Meatball Mommie]

One idea is having a pet visit your FIL regularly. Either a friend's dog (or your own). There are also services for seniors where animals will visit and snuggle seniors regularly. You might want to call PAWS and ask if they have any resources for after the senior human passes. http://www.paws.org/cats-and-dogs/adopt/seniors-for-seniors/

This is a great idea! Or even something informal like a friend who has a mellow dog. Maybe the dog could "visit" for a few hours. This could work out to the dog and dog owner's benefit if they work out of the home.

[robinsmommy]

I keep thinking of the phrase "being in love with the IDEA of X, not being in love with X". I completely agree that getting a dog is not the best idea, for a number of reasons. Having another being to take care of is going to add weight to a caretaker's burden in coming months. And if they got a dog (esp a shelter or senior dog) with health issues, even unknowingly, they will have 2 beings that need care that will eat time and money. They will be trying to acclimate a strange animal to their household at a stressful time - what dog is not going to act out in that situation? It seems unfair and unkind to the dog in many ways.

I think that a visitor dog would be great, however it could be arranged. I can't tell you how many friends I have who would love their dog to be able to be around people who are home during the day, for company and care for the dog. And there would be no strings attached down the line, if things got harder. Or look into a foster dog, as PP's suggest, if they really want a dog in the house full time but can't make a permanent commitment.

I think perhaps MIL and DH are attached to the idea of the dog, in terms of making FIL happy at a time in which their ability to do so is shrinking - think of the Make A Wish type foundations for sick kids. And it may even be that for DH, it would be a point of connection to his dad to have the dog around after FIL is gone. It seems likely that emotional attachment is weighing more heavily than practicality for them, and you're on the other side of things, which sucks. But someone has to deal with reality, even in hard situations.

I hope that things can be worked out somehow.

My grandparents ended up with a dog toward the end. My G'pa ended up being a caretaker for my G'ma, and in the end, he died first - I think it all wore him out. The dog did provide some companionship, but I don't know that the benefits outweighed the burden of caring for a dog, small though it was - and they got stuck when she moved into a nursing facility, and he had to stay with the dog because they couldn't bring it there - they had to pay for 2 places to live and be apart because of the dog. And it was other family who ended up caring for the dog - running it to the vet and trying to deal with the fact that it didn't get it's needs met - it didn't get walked enough, etc. And then they had to drive G'pa to see G'ma at her separate place - they might've have been able to be housed in nearby buildings, even if not in the same room, if they didn't have the dog.

[TwinFoxes]

I think it's clear from my posts over the years that I'm a dog lover, and honestly, if this were me the story would end "and that's how we got our third dog." BUT, I don't think anyone should be forced to take on a dog they absolutely do not want. And I think your MIL is being super manipulative, Nicci. She may not mean to be, she may be acting out of grief. But boy, it is so not cool. Your reasons for not wanting a dog make complete sense.

I think you should stand your ground, but I would be gentle while doing it. There's a lot of grief and shock for your DH and his family. It's possible to give a firm 'no' without it sounding harsh.

[BunnyBee]

Therapy dogs might come to him? A bit of cuddling with zero responsibility. I can't imagine taking on a dog with what all they have on their plate right now.

[Kindra178]

Therapy dogs might come to him? A bit of cuddling with zero responsibility. I can't imagine taking on a dog with what all they have on their plate right now.

I was thinking the same thing. One of the training schools around here is always looking for volunteer families so that the therapy dogs in training can go on home visits and get practice. Maybe call some training schools that offer therapy dog classes?