Update in OP: Issue with DH's family - grateful for your advice

[mackmama]

Update:
You all suggested not to say anything to the in-law, and I agreed. However, right now the in-law is making another drama about me and being all formal and rude to me if I answer the phone when this person calls for DH. (Thankfully I don't think DH is taking the bait on this one but who really knows.) So... can I say something? I'm just SO tired of it and want to call it out. Just not sure exactly what to say. "Do we have a problem?" (Although not sure I really want to get into it because it's all nonsensical.) What I really want to say is "DH and your parents tip-toe around you, but I really think you'd benefit from professional therapy. Please stop making dramas about me, and speak to me directly to me if you have an issue with me." I just feel like I'm being walked on by not standing up for myself and am being complicit in their family's dysfunction of tiptoeing around this person.

Original:
Without going into too much backstory... DH's sibling likes drama and badmouths me to DH. DH's family has never been very friendly or welcoming to me - and I've gotten the impression it'd be like that with anyone DH married - almost like they feel a spouse has "taken DH away from them." It's all very strange, and DH never has my back with them and instead turns on me. I am tired of the drama. I am very aware that the primary issue is with DH, but would you also say something to DH's sibling directly?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd be tempted to say something but not what you wrote. That is very formal and not really conducive to relationship building. I'd think hard about the wording before sending.

[mom2binsd]

It will only give that sibling more fuel to the fire IMHO. I would work on addressing the issue of your husband turning on you and not having your back, that's not fair at all, once you get married, your spouse and children become your priority. I understand that you don't see that changing but I don't honestly think directly speaking or emailing the sibling will accomplish what you hope it will. Is your husband willing to work on that with you through counseling?

[Kindra178]

I wouldn't say anyting to your dh's sister. I am not sure what's not fair to you. Your sister in law has the right to say anything she wants. She clearly has issues, so you saying something probably won't help. It seems to me that you need to discuss all this with your dh, maybe in front of a counselor.

[MMMommy]

I would focus less on the sibling badmouthing and turn the attention towards your DH turning on you. That, to me, is the bigger issue here. I think that absolutely, 100% needs to be addressed and would not just let it go. You say you don't see that dynamic changing, but I think that is what needs to change here.

[TwinFoxes]

I have so many questions! Who's telling you that the sibling is bad mouthing you? And to what end?

Bad mouthing like lying, or bad mouthing you like "she's annoying." If it's the former, I'd call her out immediately when it occurred. If it's the latter, it would probably bother me, but not enough to say something.

I don't think I'd email in any case. I'm more the type to say something to someone's face than to send an email. I also wouldn't in a million years mention my relationship issues with DH to the sibling.

[hillview]

I think marriage counseling would be a good idea. Have you directly heard the sibling saying bad stuff? If so I'd address it directly. If it is hearsay that is a lot harder. What does DH think would be a good plan of action?

What you describe is what my DH family is like (none of them are married and they would prefer to have DH to themselves) BUT as far as I know they don't say much bad about me to DH. They will occasionally say things to me that are more insulting or rude but really they all lack social skills. My BIL did once send a very nasty email to DH that included nasty things about me. I didn't address it directly and DH chose to ignore it. They live out of the country which is a huge help.

[minnie-zb]

You don't have an inlaw issue, you have a spousal issue. Marriage therapy -- especially since your husband is not willing to change how he reacts to his sibling.

I wouldn't say anything to the inlaw, their behavior is not going to change. It could backfire and reinforce their bad behavior.

[specialp]

No good can come from that email. None at all and you are dealing with the wrong issue anyway. I would devote 100% of this type of attention to your marriage and if IL says anything untrue about you, you address it when it happens at the time.

[JBaxter]

I agree the much bigger issue is you and your husband. But your other relative is correct emailing her will do nothing but give her more things to talk about you with

[anonomom]

Hmm. How sure are you that it's the sibling badmouthing you, not your DH himself?

I ask because my sister and I are in a similar situation, but from the other side. Since DB started dating his wife, he has called us periodically and told us terrible things about her. Sis and I have been very careful not to judge or respond (we know he's probably exaggerating), but a few months ago she sent an email to Sis to defend herself. It became clear that he was telling her we were badmouthing her (basically, voicing his complaints about her, but claiming it wasn't his issue and that we were the ones talking about it), though we honestly were not.

In any event, her email did nothing to help her cause. Though we're well aware fo DB's flair for drama and casual relationship with the truth, he's still our brother. We aren't about to start taking sides against him or get involved in his marriage.

[BunnyBee]

Agree that you have a husband problem. He has a sibling problem, but that's not yours. Talking to them directly would be disastrous. Marriage therapy ASAP. Set boundaries together. If he won't, go alone. Set your boundaries yourself. You and your child should not be subjected to people who treat you poorly.

[hillview]

Agree that you have a husband problem. He has a sibling problem, but that's not yours. Talking to them directly would be disastrous. Marriage therapy ASAP. Set boundaries together. If he won't, go alone. Set your boundaries yourself. You and your child should not be subjected to people who treat you poorly.
:yeahthat:

[wellyes]

One of my family members who knows the whole story has told me there is no use in saying anything because nothing will change, and I will only end up bit in the end (by DH).

I would take this advice to heart. There is absolutely no point in talking to the in-law. I'd be furious that your husband isn't respecting you to the degree that people outside of the dynamic are saying he'd choose his sister over you. This is a rough place to be, and I'd get to counseling asap.

[SummerBaby]

As others have said, the real problem is with your DH not supporting you and defending you to his sibling. Once you are married you need to take your spouse's side. My DH has a very dramatic family and we stay out of it. He talks me down, lol. IMO, sending an email like that to your SIL would only add fuel to the fire and give her more fodder. People like that are looking for a response and want you to be bothered. The best thing you can do is to work on your marriage and ignore her. I know it's hard to bite your tongue in these situations. I've been there!!

[khm]

I agree with the choir, I'm sorry.

I think anonomom might have a point that maybe your DH is the one doing the badmouthing and the sibling is just agreeing/going along. At any rate, he isn't shutting them down, and THAT is the issue here.

You will not be able to stop the sibling from talking about you. Ever.

No way, no how would I send any type of email suggesting they do so. They don't owe you a thing, if they already don't like you, that will NOT help.

[mackmama]

Thanks everyone. I agree with what everyone has said, and I'm very aware of the larger issue with DH. I've made many efforts but, as I've said, nothing has changed on many fronts. So I was considering talking to the sibling as an effort to try tackling this smaller problem. I have overheard the sibling say negative things about me and seen it in texts - the sibling twists facts, misconstrues, and has a victimized mindset in general - which is why I would only email the sibling (versus a phone convo) to prevent my communication from being misportrayed.

Thanks all. I will stay mum to the sibling.

[wellyes]

If you live near this in-laws, consider a move. I'd hate to live with that kind of stress. It's tough.

[California]

I know it sounds very Dear Abbyish, but that's because it works- have you tried talking to a counselor, even if your DH won't go?

[trcy]

I know it sounds very Dear Abbyish, but that's because it works- have you tried talking to a counselor, even if your DH won't go?
I think this is good advice. Hugs OP, sounds like a very difficult situation.



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[specialp]

Thanks everyone. I agree with what everyone has said, and I'm very aware of the larger issue with DH. I've made many efforts but, as I've said, nothing has changed on many fronts. So I was considering talking to the sibling as an effort to try tackling this smaller problem. I have overheard the sibling say negative things about me and seen it in texts - the sibling twists facts, misconstrues, and has a victimized mindset in general - which is why I would only email the sibling (versus a phone convo) to prevent my communication from being misportrayed.

Thanks all. I will stay mum to the sibling.



That’s terrible. Yes, an email with this type of person would only make him/her laugh at you. Glad you decided against it. Didn’t you just move closer to the ILs? I know your post was about a specific topic, but is there anyway you can limit the interaction you have with this person? Not avoiding, but not engaging in the type of topics that generate the criticisms. The less you engage with these people, the less ammunition they have. I have a relative and I can count on one hand the number of topics I can discuss with the person, but boy, I can discuss them to death if I have in order to keep the peace. (My whole family used to white knuckle it at the holidays because we were likely to blow up at each other.) It is almost like I’m too boring now to target! If I overheard someone say something about me, I would have to speak up.

[BunnyBee]

The book Boundaries is highly recommended for crazy family. There's a marriage one too, but I don't know as much about it. It's Christian based, but you can take the concrete advice and leave the religious material if that's not your cup of tea. Many libraries carry it.

[mackmama]

Update in OP

[Kindra178]

RE: your update. It's not your job to cure your dh's extended family dysfunction. While saying something to her may make you feel better in the short term, when you are dealing with crazy you will get more crazy in return. Put another way, you saying something will feed the crazy and more likely than not not help you at all. The issue is with your dh. You need to deal with that now.

[anonomom]

I don't think holding your tongue requires you to tiptoe around your SiL -- you're not required to let her treat you rudely. If she says something to your face you can say "please do not speak to me like that."

[JBaxter]

RE: your update. It's not your job to cure your dh's extended family dysfunction. While saying something to her may make you feel better in the short term, when you are dealing with crazy you will get more crazy in return. Put another way, you saying something will feed the crazy and more likely than not not help you at all. The issue is with your dh. You need to deal with that now.

What Kindra said is spot on. It will get worse and you will be singled out as the trouble maker even if it is the relative. You need to work on your relationship with your husband and ignore the other ramblings of the relative. If anyone should say something its your husband.

[gamma]

I say kill her with kindness when she calls. It will drive her crazy!

[TwinFoxes]

Update:
You all suggested not to say anything to the in-law, and I agreed. However, right now the in-law is making another drama about me and being all formal and rude to me if I answer the phone when this person calls for DH. (Thankfully I don't think DH is taking the bait on this one but who really knows.) So... can I say something? I'm just SO tired of it and want to call it out. Just not sure exactly what to say. "Do we have a problem?" (Although not sure I really want to get into it because it's all nonsensical.) What I really want to say is "DH and your parents tip-toe around you, but I really think you'd benefit from professional therapy. Please stop making dramas about me, and speak to me directly to me if you have an issue with me." I just feel like I'm being walked on by not standing up for myself and am being complicit in their family's dysfunction of tiptoeing around this person.



How do you know about the drama? Whoever's telling you about it seems to have suspect motives.
If you don't think calling her out would work, I don't see the point. She clearly thrives on drama. Just don't give her any. Don't tiptoe, but don't give her what she craves.

[BunnyBee]

Nope. Don't feed the drama llama. I'd stop answering the phone, TBH. That's what caller ID is for.

[doberbrat]

Nope. Do Not poke the snarling dog. I too would stop answering the phone when she calls. I do not have any drama with my in laws and still rarely pu the phone when they call. They're not calling to talk to me, kwim?

They're DH's problem and HE needs to be the one to address it or move to limit communication.

If they are directly rude to you, it is fair to say "please do not speak to me like that". but ultimately, I would nix as much contact with them as possible. I might agree to attend major family functions. Christmas (or whatever big holiday you celebrate) and FIL/MIL and kid birthdays. DH is welcome to go on his own.

[khm]

If you truly believe she is crazy and/or out to get you, then no, you cannot fight that. There is no magic combination of words that will change her!! None. It'll never change. That kind of crazy/hatred are out of your control.

I know it is hard, but the best thing to do is to bore her. Don't take the bait. She'll get bored eventually when she gets no reward.

And, yeah, who is telling you this stuff!? You need to tell them to stop. Knowing that she is critiquing how you answer the phone is just plain not something they should be telling you. Full stop.

[MMMommy]

RE: your update. It's not your job to cure your dh's extended family dysfunction. While saying something to her may make you feel better in the short term, when you are dealing with crazy you will get more crazy in return. Put another way, you saying something will feed the crazy and more likely than not not help you at all. The issue is with your dh. You need to deal with that now.:yeahthat:

[specialp]

If you truly believe she is crazy and/or out to get you, then no, you cannot fight that. There is no magic combination of words that will change her!! None. It'll never change. That kind of crazy/hatred are out of your control.

I know it is hard, but the best thing to do is to bore her. Don't take the bait. She'll get bored eventually when she gets no reward.

And, yeah, who is telling you this stuff!? You need to tell them to stop. Knowing that she is critiquing how you answer the phone is just plain not something they should be telling you. Full stop.


Agreed. OP, do you honestly think he/she will suddenly be enlightened to the behavior if you call it out? And realize a need for therapy or suddenly stop it? Of course not. It'll be fuel to know it is getting to you. You'll feel better for exactly 2 seconds, then you'll have your inlaws, your DH, and this person all angry at you. You are sticking up for yourself by not engaging.

But why are you answering the phone? If you see it is for DH, let him answer or let it go unanswered if he isn't there or not able to talk. We do this with people we like so I can't understand why you aren't doing it with a person you cannot stand. You seriously need to stop opportunities for this person to get to you.

[mackmama]

Ok thanks all for the reality check again. This person really gets under my skin. So far now for years I have not taken the bait. I'm just so over it. You're all right, though, that my speaking up would make no difference and would in fact only fuel yet another drama. Ok - stepping away. Just frustrating since DH will never set those boundaries. Sigh.