DS's perfectionism and upset when he makes a mistake

[cilantromapuche]

I have been meaning to post this for a while. DS is 12, in 7th grade. This year he has done 2 varsity sports and 1 modified. He is also on several other academic teams (i.e. chess, quizbowl, etc.). Very busy and going to nationals in 2 of the academic pursuits, great grades, you get the picture.

My problem is that he is so hard on himself. He gets really upset when he makes a mistake and puts so much pressure on himself. I am trying to scale back activities but he does have a genuine interest and ability in these things. I thought he was crazy to do 3 sports but I now think the physical activity is good for him.

He has a therapist but his schedule is so hard for him to see her regularly (and he insisted that it be someone out of town).

Any advice?

[Meatball Mommie]

Sorry - no suggestions - my son just needs a dose of what yours has. Just kidding but we are at the complete opposite place. Appointment with a therapist on Monday.

Some kids are just crazy motivated - I knew some from my high school days. I don't know that you can really do anything to change how his is. He will always likely have this inner drive.

[jren]

My DS (7) is also a perfectionist and internally motivated. I like to think he will grow into his personality, but it can be stressful at times and I'm sure more as he gets to be middle/high school aged. At 6, he would come home from soccer practice (a recreation league) and practice a drill he couldn't master for hours in the dark in the backyard.


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[cilantromapuche]

I don't know that they grow into it. I worry because I hear about high achieving kids committing suicide and I used to wonder why some people who have it all do that. Now I know. Not that he is suicidal but it worries me. I just finished When Breathe Becomes Air and in it he talks about a fellow brilliant neurosurgeon who committed suicide.
For those on the other side I have one of those too! DD wants to do nothing. We make her do one sport a year, kicking and screaming. In some ways we are grateful because DS is a full time job.

[jren]

I have one on the other side as well! They are miles apart from each other.

Right now, mine has zero anxiety surrounding his high motivation. But I have seen some kids who are high achieving struggle when they finally do fail at something. I'm not sure what the answer to that is. Mine is still so young.


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[baymom]

I don't know that they grow into it. I worry because I hear about high achieving kids committing suicide and I used to wonder why some people who have it all do that. Now I know. Not that he is suicidal but it worries me. I just finished When Breathe Becomes Air and in it he talks about a fellow brilliant neurosurgeon who committed suicide.
For those on the other side I have one of those too! DD wants to do nothing. We make her do one sport a year, kicking and screaming. In some ways we are grateful because DS is a full time job.

:hug5: I don’t know what the answer is, but I couldn’t not respond. I have a DS who sounds a lot like yours. It’s heartbreaking to watch. When he was younger, he would scratch himself or knock his head to the wall/floor if he didn’t get something perfect. While I’m not so sure it’s a phase that he will grow out of, it has ebbed and flowed in the intensity for him. We constantly point out when we make a mistake and make a show of how it’s fine, not the end of the world, fixable, ect. I’m not really sure that kind of modeling makes any impact on him, but I’m not sure what else to try. As a PP said, I think it’s just who he is. He’s excels in sports and at school and is funny and has lots of friends and if you met him, you wouldn’t think anything was off. However, suicide in teens is much higher than the national average, where I live and I’m definitely worried about teen stress level/anxiety/extreme perfectionism. My DD, on the other hand, is an equally high achieving, driven kid, but doesn’t have any of the unreasonable perfectionism that DS has. They are two very different personalities and I’m not sure there is much I can do about it. DH and I have talked about finding him a therapist, so I guess that is our next step.

[MommyAllison]

I have been meaning to ask about this, so thank you for starting this thread! My nearly 8yo son is also a perfectionist, and when he makes a mistake he is so frustrated with himself that he falls apart emotionally. If he makes a mistake while playing sports, or his team loses a game, he is so upset with himself (but never the team) for not playing better. He is old enough that he is embarrassed that his team mates saw him cry, which makes it even worse. I found some picture books on perfectionism that I plan to read with him, and I've tried to discuss situations that have naturally come up (watching his favorite NFL team lose a game, and how the quarterback reacts, etc). One of my other kids is also a perfectionist, but the opposite type, where she is so afraid of failing that she won't try - but that's honestly been easier to work through than DS' perfectionism. I hope someone has some suggestions!

[mom_hanna]

My dd (11) was like this. She was sooooo hard on herself. In school and in sports. She is an A student and on travel baseball and volleyball teams. If her team lost a game, in her head it was her fault. She would pick apart all the little mistakes and berate herself. Her personality would get so negative it was awful. We finally sat her down and had a serious talk about her perceptions and how they affected her teammates, herself, her classmates, her family, etc. For instance, she is a catcher in baseball. When she'd have a bad day, she'd get mad and throw an attitude and to the pitcher, she came off as pissed off at him. So we told her, and asked her how she thought that made her teammate feel. Repeat in all situations where appropriate. She started to see how others perceived some of her actions and how they affected other people, but it took a lot of work. And then we got her a therapist. Two years later and she is so much better. She still demands and expects a lot of herself, but it is actually pretty amazing how well she handles it now when she isn't performing up to her own expectations. And we keep repeating that we don't care about the results as long as she knew she had tried her best at the time. I'd suggest making a point of seeing the therapist regularly so he can get a handle on things.

[squimp]

I think I would make time with the therapist a priority. Around here, numerous high achieving high school and even middle school kids started to unravel (anxiety, depression, perfectionism, eating disorders leading to commitment in inpatient facilities and suicide) and it scares the crap out of me. Getting a handle on these issues in middle school is a really good idea. Here, the kids who are struggling academically have classes, resources, after school programs, but we feel it's the kids who are doing well that fall through the cracks because there is no obvious support for them at school.

[BunnyBee]

I think I would make time with the therapist a priority. Around here, numerous high achieving high school and even middle school kids started to unravel (anxiety, depression, perfectionism, eating disorders leading to commitment in inpatient facilities and suicide) and it scares the crap out of me. Getting a handle on these issues in middle school is a really good idea. Here, the kids who are struggling academically have classes, resources, after school programs, but we feel it's the kids who are doing well that fall through the cracks because there is no obvious support for them at school.

This, exactly. Make the time before high school.

[123LuckyMom]

One of the things you can try is urging him to use mistakes as a tool for learning. Berating yourself for a mistake is totally unhelpful. Analyzing a mistake and using it as an opportunity to do better next time is helpful. You can guide this process. If he misses a shot in basketball, for example, and starts to beat himself up, you can say, "Think for a minute. Can you remember why you missed the basket?" He says, "Because I'm really bad at basketball." You say, "No, that's not helpful. What was it? Was your accuracy off? Was there not enough force in your throw? What caused the problem?" Just by getting him to make an analysis of the play, you shift the energy from emotion to rational thought. If he tries to globalize his mistakes, try to point out when he's actually achieved what he says he never can. Then try to get him to think of other instances when he did things right. You can try to get him to analyze what was different the times when he did it right from this time. Then, praise him for using this mistake as such a great opportunity for learning. The other kids who played perfectly might not have learned anything this game, but he has a few ideas of how he can improve his game, and that's priceless. Of course he feels bad that the game didn't go the way he hoped. That's understandable. It doesn't have to be where the story stops, though. It can be what motivates him to improve. You have to do this like a broken record, constantly interrupting the cycle of denigration, shifting to logical thinking, and formulating a plan to move forward, but eventually, he'll hear you in his head and go through the steps himself.


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[MommyAllison]

One of the things you can try is urging him to use mistakes as a tool for learning. Berating yourself for a mistake is totally unhelpful. Analyzing a mistake and using it as an opportunity to do better next time is helpful. You can guide this process. If he misses a shot in basketball, for example, and starts to beat himself up, you can say, "Think for a minute. Can you remember why you missed the basket?" He says, "Because I'm really bad at basketball." You say, "No, that's not helpful. What was it? Was your accuracy off? Was there not enough force in your throw? What caused the problem?" Just by getting him to make an analysis of the play, you shift the energy from emotion to rational thought. If he tries to globalize his mistakes, try to point out when he's actually achieved what he says he never can. Then try to get him to think of other instances when he did things right. You can try to get him to analyze what was different the times when he did it right from this time. Then, praise him for using this mistake as such a great opportunity for learning. The other kids who played perfectly might not have learned anything this game, but he has a few ideas of how he can improve his game, and that's priceless. Of course he feels bad that the game didn't go the way he hoped. That's understandable. It doesn't have to be where the story stops, though. It can be what motivates him to improve. You have to do this like a broken record, constantly interrupting the cycle of denigration, shifting to logical thinking, and formulating a plan to move forward, but eventually, he'll hear you in his head and go through the steps himself.


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This is so helpful, thank you!!