Do you allow your kids to bring toys/electronics to family gatherings?

[gatorsmom]

If you do, at what age do you stop it and expect them to mingle? In other words, is there an age at which you consider it rude for kids to sit in the corner of a family gathering playing their iPad/Nintendo and not really visiting? How do you handle taking kids to a family gathering/reunion when you know at some point they are going to get bored? In our case there are no cousins that are my kids age.

We are heading to a family gathering tonight and I'm debating letting my kids bring their iPads. It would prevent them from playing too rough with the toddlers and preschoolers that will be there. And it will prevent them from getting bored. Otoh, is 12yo an age where oldest DS should be mingling and chatting with adults and older cousins? Or maybe I should have him do a round of mingling before I let him hang out with the iPad? I am not sure my family would care either way but I don't want the kids to seem rude and ungrateful. Just thought I'd see what you guys think.

[o_mom]

Generally we don't bring them unless DSs don't really know the family or there are no cousins their age. If I do let them, they are not brought out right away. So if we were going to a dinner, I would probably tell them not until after dessert (we typically have an hour or so between dinner and dessert). I also encourage them to bring a board game or card game to play. I would not expect a 12 yo to mingle and chat with adults unless that was their personality. How old the older cousins are would also factor into it - back to the board games/card games. We often have the 16-18 yos playing cards or Monopoly with the 8-12 yos. When they were younger, though, it was harder for a 5 yo to play with a 15 yo, so it really depends on the specific mix of ages you have.

[AnnieW625]

Nope, we don't take electronics with us to parties. We have taken coloring books and crayons though or given out paper and pens if we are at wedding reception or the like at a party venue. If the party is at a house the kids usually find a way to mingle especially if there are other kids there. Once we sit down at a table to eat at a restaurant the electronics and our phones go in my purse. DH has also opted just to leave his phone in the car.

[TwinFoxes]

Funny, I would think the question would be "how old will your kid have to be when you let them be the sullen teen in the corner on a device?" ;) In all seriousness, our kids aren't allowed to take devices to events, especially family gatherings where there are people there who love them and are more than happy to talk to them, play with them, listen to their non-stop chatter about life.

[JBaxter]

Yes I reserve the right to take them but often the play together or help each other with levels

[mmsmom]

Our general rule is that electronics do not leave the house. I personally dislike seeing groups of kids huddled around a device vs playing and interacting in other ways. I also dislike seeing families out at a restaurant or other place with each person on a device. I want my kids to learn to navigate these situations and find other ways to entertain themselves if they are bored. We were just away with kids of varying ages and they were all able to play together despite the age difference so in the situation you describe I would not allow it.

[ExcitedMamma]

If you do, at what age do you stop it and expect them to mingle? In other words, is there an age at which you consider it rude for kids to sit in the corner of a family gathering playing their iPad/Nintendo and not really visiting? How do you handle taking kids to a family gathering/reunion when you know at some point they are going to get bored? In our case there are no cousins that are my kids age.

We are heading to a family gathering tonight and I'm debating letting my kids bring their iPads. It would prevent them from playing too rough with the toddlers and preschoolers that will be there. And it will prevent them from getting bored. Otoh, is 12yo an age where oldest DS should be mingling and chatting with adults and older cousins? Or maybe I should have him do a round of mingling before I let him hang out with the iPad? I am not sure my family would care either way but I don't want the kids to seem rude and ungrateful. Just thought I'd see what you guys think.

That's a great question! I had meant to ask this over the holidays but forgot. We spent time with a lot of our siblings kids and I was shocked that they always had their eyes glued to a screen. These are kids we've seen their whole lives a few times a year and know pretty well from past interactions and phone calls and now we can't can have anything resembling a conversation with them. These were trips where one or the other of us had driven at least a few hours to get together so DH and I were surprised that their parents didn't require any interaction at all. I was wondering if this was a new normal since it involved parents on both sides our families.

I would have liked at minimum some forced interaction like at meals. Shouldn't kids have to sit and chat with relatives?

I remember as a kid there was fun and boredom being around relatives but I was expected to deal. I wasn't allowed to bring my Gameboy or a book and tune out. Is that an antiquated notion now?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Mingle for a while, play on gadget after some time. That's what we do.

ETA- if there were cousins, I'd say no devices. But if just grown ups and their siblings? I just don't expect my kids to mingle the whole time.

ETAA- neither side of the family is very kid-centric. The adults will ask some basic questions but then they want to move onto adult topics. They aren't really looking to engage the kids. I'm socially savvy enough though to know when electronics need to be put away and when they can be played with. ;) I make on the fly decisions about them.

[lizzywednesday]

DD is the youngest of the cousins on DH's side. She is not permitted to bring her tablet to family get-togethers, though BIL's kids (ages 13, 11, and 9) do bring their devices.

DH's SIL has been at family dinners playing games on her phone, completely disengaged from the other people; I find that rude.

The last time DD asked to bring her tablet, I said we were having a party and we should all talk to each other. Her 9-year-old cousin had brought his, but he demo-ed some MineCraft building for her, which made her happy because she thinks he hung the moon.

When we do things with my family, it's a non-issue - none of the kids have a lot of tech, and they're close enough in age that they enjoy playing with the same things that it doesn't matter.

[Corie]

In all seriousness, our kids aren't allowed to take devices to events, especially family gatherings where there are people there who love them and are more than happy to talk to them, play with them, listen to their non-stop chatter about life.


Yes, I agree with TwinFoxes. Our family is the same.

[Momit]

Funny, I would think the question would be "how old will your kid have to be when you let them be the sullen teen in the corner on a device?" ;) In all seriousness, our kids aren't allowed to take devices to events, especially family gatherings where there are people there who love them and are more than happy to talk to them, play with them, listen to their non-stop chatter about life.

This, exactly.

[doberbrat]

no electronics or books. Be social or be quietly bored. ESPECIALLY if there are other children there.

[123LuckyMom]

My kids are younger, so maybe I'll change my mind when they're older, but we don't bring devices to social gatherings, especially to family gatherings, and when I was young, I was not allowed to bring a book. In our family, we consider playing on a device or reading instead of interacting to be rude. Devices or reading at the table-- rude! In DH's family it's common for the kids to be playing on devices even at the table in a restaurant or at a family meal. They don't have a problem with it. It's definitely one of those different families-different rules situations.


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[abh5e8]

No books or electronics. But we love to play card games or board games with family.

[smilequeen]

Yes. My kids can bring their devices, books, and/or toys. There are not many kids in either family and I don't expect them to spend hours mingling with adults. I don't really care if other adults think that's rude. My oldest son is very introverted and very shy. I'm not going to torture him just so a bunch of adults don't judge him as rude. He's not rude. He's incredibly sweet. He's me at that age, and I know what it's like. If there are other kids around, they'll play with them. They have to make some conversation with adults, but not for hours.

[georgiegirl]

No. My kids do being electronics when they travel (via plane) to see my family, but they never play them when family is around. They are not allowed to bring electronics to social functions either.


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[belovedgandp]

No electronics at functions - holiday dinners, wedding receptions, funerals, family reunions, 50th anniversary dinners, first communion/baptism open houses - are all times for the family to interact. If there's a screen they are not interacting.

I have three kids from 6 to 12. Depending on the hosting location and length of the event, we will bring activities the kids like. But they are interactive games. One of my favorite Thanksgiving dinner memories involves my oldest at 5 teaching his cousins who were 15 and 17 at the time how to play a card game.

For family reunions at the park, we've brought our slacklines, chalk and playground balls. I don't expect the kids to hang out and converse with all my aunts and uncles who are 70 to 88 for hours, but they do need to say hi and smile while answering the same questions (age, grade, sports) in an age appropriate manner. Sometimes my kids are the only children in attendance (I'm local for a lot of funerals) but at others there are tons of younger relatives to play with.

[AngB]

My kids don't have any cousins and see my family at least once or twice a week, most weeks, so we let them. For extended family stuff, maybe. It just depends.

[essnce629]

Hmm, we don't have much extended family and my kids only have one cousin who is their age. We do get together with my mom's side of the family for major holidays and I don't allow them to bring electronics. My grandma keeps a massive bin of Legos at her house so they always play with that. DS2 always packs a backpack of games, origami stuff, coloring stuff, etc whenever we go anywhere. We had a big formal 90th birthday party for my grandma 1.5 years ago and DS2 just had has backpack of stuff to keep him occupied.

[KrisM]

They don't bring them to parties with family. But if we are visiting for a week, yes they do. Even if we go up north with my brother's family for 3 nights, they do as there isn't much to do at night and we all end up reading or something. Yes, they play games, socialize, etc, but there is only so much of that to do. If we are just visiting for 2-3 hours, they can play, talk, etc.

[hbridge]

YES!! DC have no cousins and family events are all adults except for them. Usually there aren't any toys at the houses we visit. So, yes, DC are allowed to bring electronic devices. However, we have never had a problem with DC playing too much so we let them use the devices as they need to. Also, DC DO NOT sit around well (neither does DH :) ) so family events are NOT fun for any of us!

[DualvansMommy]

My kids are younger, I only bring coloring books, iPad if we're going to lengthy family events. But I do take away their devices when it's time to eat at their table among guests and family.

I also don't force my kids to talk endlessly with older guests/family, just exhibit good manners. I still feel scarred from a mother constantly berating me for being anti social my entire childhood. Still resent her for that, so I refuse to make my kids feel bad for just being themselves.


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[trcy]

Yes! DD drives me and everyone else crazy if she is bored. I bring other things too. The iPad is the last resort.


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[sunnyside]

We don't. My kids love playing with their cousins who are 10 and 12. Even though my kids are only 5 and just turned 1, they like to play together. Kids don't have to be the same age to have fun.

[TwinFoxes]

They don't have a problem with it. It's definitely one of those different families-different rules situations.



I tend to agree. PPs have said they have shy kids, so, yeah, forcing them to interact probably isn't kind. Or if you have family who aren't into interacting with kids. But our families are all about kids and are the type that will make an effort to entertain the kids. My teenage niece and nephews are so sweet to their younger cousins. They are more willing to play endless games of 20 questions than I am!

[AnnieW625]

I tend to agree. PPs have said they have shy kids, so, yeah, forcing them to interact probably isn't kind. Or if you have family who aren't into interacting with kids. But our families are all about kids and are the type that will make an effort to entertain the kids. My teenage niece and nephews are so sweet to their younger cousins. They are more willing to play endless games of 20 questions than I am!

Mine and DHs cousins that we see regularly (5 cousins total), plus my brother, SIL, and sister range in age from 22 to 36 and they are all childless and love interacting with my kids who are routinely the only kids at immediately family events.

When we are with my BIL and BILW there are a few more of BILW nieces and nephews, which is nice too, plus my niece and nephew who are 5, and 2.

[PZMommy]

It depends. My kids are pretty social, so we tend to not bring devices if we're just going for a dinner or birthday party. If we were going for a longer stretch, or would be someplace where there would be no other kids, I'd let them bring their iPads.

I also have no problem with my kids (or any kids) using a phone to entertain themselves at a restaurant while waiting for food. Once the food is served devices go away, but if playing on a phone keeps my kids calm and quiet while they are waiting, I have no problem with it.

[melrose7]

DD1 is the only one that has a device to play on, her iPad, that she received because of her disability. The other kids know it hers but do get to use it if she isn't using it. It comes with us to family gatherings because she is mostly nonverbal she can't have a conversation with her cousins. She will play or try to play with them but it only lasts for so long. Sometimes she's on it a lot other times not so much. She does like to show people close to her what she is playing or watching. For the most part the other 2 aren't allowed to use the iPad at family parties. In just the immediately family there are 6 cousins. And extended family there are an additional 11. Some of them bring their devices but not all and not on them all the time.

[carolinacool]

Our most common scenario is that we have some very good friends who host a lot of casual get-togethers. Cookouts, game viewing parties, etc. They have two boys who are a little younger than DS, who's 6. Sometimes there are a couple other kids over that we know as well. For the most part they just play together early on, but as it stretches into hour three, four, sometimes five, the iPads tend to come out. That's fine with the parents. We just try not to start the gathering with those.

As for family, we don't get together with mine very much at all as we're not local. When we do, there are no other kids DS's age, The closest are his three cousins, who were all six and seven years older than he is. We rented a beach house over Thanksgiving with extended family. I was really impressed with how much they played with him. I never would've done that at that age. Lol I think it helped that we were in a different setting with different types of activities to keep them busy. I think if we were just at aunt Mary's house for 4 to 5 hours, the electronics would've come out.

[lalasmama]

DD is 12. She's allowed to bring electronics, but only allowed to play when others are already playing. In our case, she's the odd-aged kid quite often (BFF's kids are 17, 8, 7, and 1; nephews are 5, 4, and 1; cousins that we spend time with are 13.5 and 19yo boys). So, if she's overwhelmed, or if the older kids have their iDevices out, then she may have hers out too. I do expect her to mingle, chat, answer Aunt Mildred's 98 questions, thank the host first.

[wellyes]

no electronics or books. Be social or be quietly bored. ESPECIALLY if there are other children there.



Yes. This. Unless the kid has severe special needs, he / she can deal with feeling awkward or bored.
I think it is fine for kids to be remote from relatives who want to interact with them - no one should be forced to hug anyone or be fake - but to ignore a relative who wants to talk to you because you are playing on your tablet or gaming device is flat-out rude. Rude if you are 40, or 10, or 4.

[Dayzy]

Depends on the situation. DS is 8 and DD is 3. On DH's side of the family, these are the only kids. When we go to an event at a restaurant or hall, I know he can only talk to the adults for so long. He reads for a while and then I let him play his iPod. Now on my side, he has 3 boy cousins all around his age and they don't need electronics, so he doesn't get them there.

[rin]

In our family (both sides) kids don't bring electronics/etc to family get-togethers; we also don't take electronics for eating out/etc. I'd find it rude to have a child of any age (like a PP said, barring special circumstances) disappear into a screen at a family event, but would be increasingly disappointed by older children/teens. This is their chance to absorb family culture & make connections with adults, and even as young teens they're actually old enough to participate at some level in adult conversations.

We'll bring art supplies sometimes (crayons/notebooks/etc), but I can't imagine letting my kids disappear into screens when they could be spending time with their grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins/etc.

[maestramommy]

Well, we don't have devices per se, though the kids have their own mp3 players for long car rides. But they leave them in the car when we go to gatherings. Generally our kids always play with their cousins. Dh has extended family in Mass, and whenever we visit they play with their cousin who is between DD2 and 3 in age. Sometimes DD1 will come in a read a book or play with the toys in the house, but generally she and the other kids love to play outside because the house we go to abuts preservation land with a trail to a brook.

We went to a wedding 2 years ago where we only knew the parents of the groom and their immediate family. There were not a ton of kids there, but the kids I saw were playing on their ipads during the wedding! And during the reception. Our kids hadn't brought anything, but they were distracted by the very posh surroundings, the amazing food during cocktail hour, the music, dancing, photo booth. We finally had to leave before dinner was over because it was already 10pm (weddings in NYC must go VERY late!) and they were pooped and overstimulated, but while it wasn't the most fun they had, they were not bored.

[mommy111]

At gatherings, we expect the younger kids to play with the older ones and we expect the older kids to interact with the younger ones. We don't take electronics. What I've noticed is that my older nieces will often interact with the younger kids by teaching them how to play new games on their phones......but that's OK by me because that's host initiated and involves interaction

[carolinacool]

Honestly, most of the adults at our family get-togethers, which is really our annual family reunion, have their devices with them. So I'm just not really concerned about DS having his iPad, either. Like a few other people mentioned, my family is not very kid centric. People will have a couple of random chitchat questions, and then they're done with the kids. Heck, I'm 41 and I'm still considered a kid by most of the folks in my family. So I usually just sit with my mom and listen to people tell the same stories I've been hearing for 30+ years. Sometimes, I'm grateful for my phone. That said, I'm only talking about very casual events. Not more formal occasions like a milestone birthday celebration, or a funeral or something like that.

[vonfirmath]

We don't. My kids love playing with their cousins who are 10 and 12. Even though my kids are only 5 and just turned 1, they like to play together. Kids don't have to be the same age to have fun.

Laugh. At that age I would bring toys to play with so my sister's kids (4,6,and 8 years older than my oldest) didn't feel obligated to play with the babies all the time. They love playing with my kids == but not for hours on end. Everyone ends up better friends when they are not the sole means of entertainment. Sometimes the kids even bond over electronics the way we used to over Monopoly. My husband and my nephew have ended up in long conversations about particular computer games this way.

[sunnyside]

Laugh. At that age I would bring toys to play with so my sister's kids (4,6,and 8 years older than my oldest) didn't feel obligated to play with the babies all the time. They love playing with my kids == but not for hours on end. Everyone ends up better friends when they are not the sole means of entertainment. Sometimes the kids even bond over electronics the way we used to over Monopoly. My husband and my nephew have ended up in long conversations about particular computer games this way.

Sounds like that works for you. My kids and their cousins just spent 6 days together and will be back together Tuesday for another 6 days. The older kids were bummed they have to take a break due to gymnastics and baseball practices. I was surprised, but they are loving having all this time and I love seeing all the crazy thing they are building together and games they're making up. It's really been awesome and definitely not an obligation.

[mackmama]

We have a preschooler and generally electronics stay in the car. If there are other kids around, it's not as issue as DC is super social and is happy playing with the other kids. If there is a meltdown or something though or no other kids, we will bring it out for a bit though.

[KrisM]

Sounds like that works for you. My kids and their cousins just spent 6 days together and will be back together Tuesday for another 6 days. The older kids were bummed they have to take a break due to gymnastics and baseball practices. I was surprised, but they are loving having all this time and I love seeing all the crazy thing they are building together and games they're making up. It's really been awesome and definitely not an obligation.

We do a week with the older cousins and they mostly play together. They are 2-4 years older than DS1, which means 6-8 older than DS2. Every summer the adults attend a haunted house they all put on together - scripts, props, etc. They work for hours on it every year. But, they do end up doing some electronics together at times, but they are still playing together, just computer games. None of the kids have a smart phone and only DD has a kindle Fire for a tablet. Otherwise, they are on regular computers or Nintendo DS's.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

No, we don't allow it. I personally think it's pretty rude for a neurotypical kid above the age of say, 5, to be glued to a screen during important family events like weddings, reunions, etc.

a year or so ago DH's cousin got married and we all went to the wedding. the wedding ceremony/reception was at local botanical garden, a bit on small side but still somewhat formal. while waiting for the wedding ceremony to start and throughout reception, all 3 of BIL/SIL's kids (who were from 5yo to 12yo) were all GLUED to their ipads/phones. Normally I would not care at all and it's not my place to judge, whatever floats your boat and all that, but the problem was that my 4yo and 5yo (who adore their cousins) at the time saw that and then were like 1) ooh, i want to watch TOOO!! and instead of interacting with family members we rarely see they wanted nothing else but to watch too :(. 2) and when i told my DC to stop, i got the "why THEY'RE watching..why can't i watch iPad like them??" GRR!!!! Drove me batty. During the reception, when they were about to do the cake cutting, all 5 kids were watching something on their screens and loudly laughing, etc. i had to tell my DC's repeatedly to be quiet. I thought it was so rude and never in a million years would my DC have done this without them there (they would not have been allowed to have the electronics there in the first place). We eventually had tell my DC to move and it put me in an extremely awkward position to tell my DC they had to stop watching "Because it's extremely rude!! this is a wedding!!" with BIL/SIL right there. Argh.

anyway, i have no issues with kids screens at all and i in no way judge parenting for this..my dc have ipads and we let them use them often at home. i see kids using screens waiting at dr's office, in line, shopping, at siblings' practice (i saw a toddler using one while his diaper was being changed!).. fine. but i think it's rude for school-aged kids to be constantly glued to screens at important family events, seems very rude to me. like they can't be bothered. if they're that addicted as kids, i shudder to know how they will be like as adults...

[ahisma]

We only pull them out when our 7 yo hits anxiety overload. He can generally make it through an event without it at this point and doesn't know that we have it with us. It never comes out with cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Only at events like weddings with groups that he doesn't know well.

[cilantromapuche]

We don't allow electronics but do allow books. it is less offensive and can provide a conversation piece. On a whole we don't allow electronics so it isn't a big switch.