Developing a mindset for our kids to go to/get into college

[bisous]

DS1 is 12. He was with cousins yesterday for Easter and one of his cousins is already talking about getting ready to get into college. DS1 is completely oblivious to that kind of thinking, lol! I'm wondering if I'm missing something? Or is he just too young?

DH and I both attended college, as did our parents. I have an advanced degree. College is just something we want and anticipate for our kids. But we haven't talked about it a ton. I've had the discussion with DS1 about the importance of learning to get good grades in high school so he'll be prepared for college and get into a good one. That's about the extent of our discussion.

I thought this might make an interesting discussion.

What are you doing to get your kids ready for college and at what ages? What is your discussion about? What do you feel is "healthy" at various ages? Do you start at middle school? Before? When do grades "count" for you? What are your reasons? What about if you have a child with special needs? Anxiety? ADHD?

I'd love to hear the wisdom of the BBB.

Also, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read this but I read somewhere that the educational prospects of kids are best when the mother is highly educated. Can't remember the exact details. I just remember thinking that it rings true for my experience. My own mom was very into education (became a teacher) whereas DH's mom quit college to get married and have children. Her kids struggled with terrible grades but have gradually become quite successful. OTOH, my siblings all have at least a BA, two have an MA, and two are currently in PhD programs. What do you think?

[minnie-zb]

We've always talked about college. From when they were babies. They talk about college (they are 14 and 11). It seems pretty normal where I live. It's part of the dialogue. You go to school and one day you will go to college! We don't put pressure on them, although we are talking more about it with our 14YO as she will be a freshman in the fall and grades count! And she hears this as school -- they do a good job educating them on how it all works. But yeah, I think it's important. They both know the expectation is they will go to college and they both think it's part of the process. We frequently talk about what it will mean and how it's important for jobs, etc.

[JBaxter]

My 12 yr old is already googling engineering schools. Hes in advanced 6th grade classes and is extremely strong in math civics & science Grades count for him now because he wants to go to the IB high school program and will need to maintain his current scores. His math teacher is getting me a packet of programs she wants us to take a look at for next year. Both my older boys have ( or will have in May) completed their BS degree in 4 yrs and my oldest is applying to grad schools next year. I have an AA but as a dental hygienist I didn't need a BS. I never understood why a mother not having an advanced degree was a hindrance to her children's education. It's not the case for my children.

[KrisM]

My oldest is in 6th and talks about college and what he might do. He looks ahead for school and knows what he needs to do to get into other advanced classes in 1-3 years. We talk about college as what you do after high school and all the kids assume they are going. I don't know if they realize it's actually a choice at this point.

I don't know why a mom's lack of degree would be problematic, really. I have not seen that.

[AnnieW625]

Both kids have known they are going to college (community college or a technical college is okay as well.....I know hair dressers and massage therapists who make the same amount of money, if not more than me, and the fast track BSRN program at a local community college is one of the best, if not the best in the region) since a young age. I don't have career paths set for our kids we just want them to go to college and have a life and career they enjoy. Dd2 knows she can't get married until after college;). DD1 wants to be a pediatrician (and I can see her going that route or nursing/PA, or some sort of engineering), and DD2 wants to skip all school and go to art school (we have our hands full there, but I wouldn't change it at all:)).

My mom went to college for 3 yrs. before getting married and being a SAHM for 17 yrs., and has been an office manager for the last 18 yrs. My mom is the only one of her five siblings not to get a bachelors; her older sister has a law degree, and another sibling has a masters degree. Had she finished college she would've gotten a BA in English. Her mother had a BA in Art, a minor in Math, a teaching credential, and a Masters in Art. Her masters and credential were a joint one year program. Her mother (my great grandma) went to a Catholic boarding high school (20 miles from home) and this was in the early 1900s so definitely not common back then. My dad's mom was admitted to Stanford, but chose USC instead because it was closer to home, she didn't graduate either, but both of her sons graduated from college. My paternal grandma's parents didn't go to college; her mom grad. high school, and my great grandpa dropped out to join the navy in 1918 at 16 yrs. old (he later became a successful accountant and helped start a now large employee credit union in the early 1950s).

ETA: I have a BA in Telecom and Film, and DH has a BS in mechanical engineering. Both of my inlaws have an AS in business, and my dad has a BS in Business. We also hope to pay for as much of their college as possible, including housing, and will consider helping with grad school as well. My maternal grandma worked her way through college and bought her parents house with student loans in 1938 because her family couldn't afford to buy it on their own and the rental prices were high even during the depression so my mom said that was one of the catalysts in her family was the parents being able to provide a college education for their kids, and why my parents helped us out as well. I would feel very hipocritical if I didn't pay for my kids education as well.

[94bruin]

We talk about our own college experiences. Meet up with college friends. We've visited our old campus, watch football or basketball games. So, it very much woven into the fabric of our lives.

We also live in a college town, so that helps.

We try not to put too much pressure on grades as Dd1 only started getting grades on tests this half year. (report cards are just marked as reaching benchmarks, no grades til middle school.) More emphasis on learning the material and study habits.

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Baby Bargains mobile app

[khalloc]

We've always talked about college with our kids. They are 10 & 8. They both have an easy time in school. Both DH and I just have BS degrees from a state university. DH's parents both went to college. Mine did not, but they grew up in different places (city vs rural). We always mention how good grades are important to get into college and we talk about how much fun college is, and living away from home, getting a good job, etc...

You know since both my parents did not go to college, now that I am an adult I realize how great it was that my dad and mom both encouraged us to go to college. I think my dad especially knew how important it was and he made a point to expect that of me. And for that I am thankful, particularly because he didnt have any experience with applying for college or any of that. He would talk to his coworkers about where their kids were going, etc...

My DD has a friend whose parents treat school like an afterthought. They are allowed to stay home for the parents' birthdays, or if they get a new pet and just want to play with it the first day its at the house, whenever they just dont feel like going to school, etc...The dad works evenings and on his day off he will pick the kids up from school early sometimes (like at noon) so they can spend time together. Which is nice, that he wants to do that, but what message does that send to the kids that its OK to skip school whenever you feel like it? My daughter's friend doesnt want to go to college (she is 10) and I think a big part of that is her parents. I think the mom might have a 2 year degree and the dad I am pretty sure never went to college. He works at a large wholesale store, which probably has good pay/benefits, but you cant depend on that being available or an option for your kids. And DD's friend says she wants to work at the same place as her Dad. I dont expect my kids to be doctors or anything, but I think its reasonable to expect them to graduate with a bachelor's degree.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We've always talked about college. From when they were babies. They talk about college (they are 14 and 11). It seems pretty normal where I live. It's part of the dialogue. You go to school and one day you will go to college! We don't put pressure on them, although we are talking more about it with our 14YO as she will be a freshman in the fall and grades count! And she hears this as school -- they do a good job educating them on how it all works. But yeah, I think it's important. They both know the expectation is they will go to college and they both think it's part of the process. We frequently talk about what it will mean and how it's important for jobs, etc.

That's how we've done it too. High school is next year and he's struggled some with grades this year. I'm glad he can figure out study skills and such without it being on his permanent record. But, we have talked often about how it will really matter next year.

TBH, I am open to the idea of a trade school or an alternative to college if it seems like the right fit for either of my kids (they have the spark, ambition and interest in one of those fields). As it is now, I see college being their more likely route.

[JBaxter]

That's how we've done it too. High school is next year and he's struggled some with grades this year. I'm glad he can figure out study skills and such without it being on his permanent record. But, we have talked often about how it will really matter next year.

TBH, I am open to the idea of a trade school or an alternative to college if it seems like the right fit for either of my kids (they have the spark, ambition and interest in one of those fields). As it is now, I see college being their more likely route.

I have a couple relatives who went to trade school and have done well in the electrical business.

[bisous]

This is really interesting to hear. I'm afraid maybe I've taken the wrong approach here. It is tough because DS1 is my oldest and he has ADHD and type 1 diabetes and all of his school life I've emphasized love of learning and low stress and nurturing environment, etc. I've taken to hear the whole "don't let school get in the way of your education" philosophy and I don't think that was necessarily misplaced for DS1. Yet I feel like I missed some subtle opportunities to keep that low stress/laidback attitude but still make college and success in school a priority. I'm trying to figure what I could have done better and what I can do now. Success, in school, in life, in relationships, emotionally, etc. is my goal for my kids and producing the right tone in the home is something that I struggle with! I appreciate what you are sharing!

[gatorsmom]

Well, we talk about college as part of a larger discussion about how to succeed in life. And when I say succeed I mean how to earn enough money to support your family, your community and be able to do the things you want to do. Dh and I can't help it- Dh is an entrepreneur who has been successful with his businesses and I am the daughter of a small business owner. Dh and I both went to college as did DH's parents. Neither of mine did. My mother dropped out of high school to help support her family. Dh and I make it clear that good grades are essential to getting into college. College is pretty essential to doing well in life. Further education probably is too. But so is working hard. And in our family so is doing God's will. That might be more than you wanted to know.

As an aside, even though my mom didn't graduate from high school, I graduated from college. But I was adopted and not much like anyone in my family. I was only the second person in our extended family to graduate from college. And I was an avid reader unlike anyone else in our family. While they would be out tinkering in the yard, working on cars or playing sports, I was always, always reading books. They made fun of me because they didn't understand. So maybe the research on children following their mom's education example should look into whether the data is affected by the mother being genetically related to her children. Just a thought.

[lfp2n]

We've always talked about college plus I work at one and we live in a college town so its just normal. At the moment she wants to go here but I am sure that will change. Our school has an AVID grant and program that is all about introducing 6th graders and beyond to the idea of going to college, especially for kids where family members haven't been and there's no encouragement at home.

[Corie]

We've always talked about college with our kids. We talk about our own college experiences with the kids. Our 11 yr. old son has already said that he wants
to go to Notre Dame.

Our 14 yr. old DD is in the 8th grade and she is already earning high school credit with her math and foreign language. She is super excited about venturing
off to college somewhere far away from Mom & Dad.

For us, we expect them to go to college. We also told the kids that we would like them to get a Master's Degree. We will pay for all their school.

[bisous]

Well, we talk about college as part of a larger discussion about how to succeed in life. And when I say succeed I mean how to earn enough money to support your family, your community and be able to do the things you want to do. Dh and I can't help it- Dh is an entrepreneur who has been successful with his businesses and I am the daughter of a small business owner. Dh and I both went to college as did DH's parents. Neither of mine did. My mother dropped out of high school to help support her family. Dh and I make it clear that good grades are essential to getting into college. College is pretty essential to doing well in life. Further education probably is too. But so is working hard. And in our family so is doing God's will. That might be more than you wanted to know.

As an aside, even though my mom didn't graduate from high school, I graduated from college. But I was adopted and not much like anyone in my family. I was only the second person in our extended family to graduate from college. And I was an avid reader unlike anyone else in our family. While they would be out tinkering in the yard, working on cars or playing sports, I was always, always reading books. They made fun of me because they didn't understand. So maybe the research on children following their mom's education example should look into whether the data is affected by the mother being genetically related to her children. Just a thought.

That's not more than I wanted to know. :) That's important, really important! in our family too.

What you are saying about genetics is interesting. I don't remember where I read that statistic so I can't refer to it. I'm not even sure I have it correctly! I was hoping someone else might have heard it and can point me back to the source.

[Meatball Mommie]

We've always talked about college. From when they were babies. They talk about college (they are 14 and 11). It seems pretty normal where I live. It's part of the dialogue. You go to school and one day you will go to college! We don't put pressure on them, although we are talking more about it with our 14YO as she will be a freshman in the fall and grades count! And she hears this as school -- they do a good job educating them on how it all works. But yeah, I think it's important. They both know the expectation is they will go to college and they both think it's part of the process. We frequently talk about what it will mean and how it's important for jobs, etc.

This is us pretty much word for word. Although we have told them that if they want to become an electrician/plumber/mechanic, then they don't have to go to college but trade school instead. Our family owns an excavation company (so lots of big machines) and DS2 talks about wanting to "do what dad does" (DH has an advanced degree in Civil Engineering and has his PE but he doesn't officially work as an engineer). DS1 talks about being a scientist "like mom" (I have an advanced degree in chemistry but don't work in the field). They have visited our alma mater and say they'd like to go there (ha!).

[belovedgandp]

Chiming in that it is just what we talk about. When the kids talk about growing older and what to expect. We talk about the neighbor/babysitter being in middle school then high school. We've now aged some up and out of college. My parents are local so we talk about when I lived at Grandma's house and then I went to college.

We also talk about it in abstract terms when saving money. Save for the long term being your first car and college.

[lovin2shop]

We are big into college here right now, but much of it is centered around the NCAA tournament brackets, lol! But seriously, I don't mind that my boys are big into sports as it has introduced them into a lot of different size/type of schools. There is a lot of rivalry in my household, and I think it adds to their desire to be able to get into their desired schools. My 2nd grader is winning our brackets in both our home pool and DH's work pool, lol.

We try to visit nearby colleges whenever traveling on vacation or visiting relatives. My 7th grade DS and I have discussed the importance of grades and good study skills quite a bit as he is taking classes that impact his GPA now. He's taken the ACT and SAT as part of the Duke TIP program already, and will hopefully attend a three week camp this summer at one of the universities in this program.

I don't want my kids to be under too much pressure in getting admitted to college, but I do think that it is good to plant the seed that it unquestionably the next step. I'm a big proponent of Community College, so I would be more than happy for them to start out at a good CC and then transfer to a University program when they are ready, so admissions does not HAVE to be a stressful part of the equation unless you are die hard on an Ivy League education.

[PZMommy]

We've talked about college since they have been babies. It helps that my DH has gotten 3 masters degrees and is finishing up his PhD, so they have seen their dad attend college their entire life.

I teach kindergarten, and I talk to my students about college. It is hard for them to always see the big picture, and many have just recently moved to this country.

[cvanbrunt]

We've always talked about it but not in any formal way. Both my husband and I have PhDs and I was a college professor so school is just a natural part of our discussions and stories about our lives. I don't make any connections between grades and school yet and won't be deliberate about it until high school. Too much pressure too soon.

[lalasmama]

In our case, we just always talked about it like it was a "duh;" you go to lower elementary, upper elementary, middle school, high school, college. Youngest DD has the bonus of seeing college-educated sister with a house, a working car, and plenty of money, and non-college-educated sister struggling much more. Granted, youngest DD currently wants to be the ice cream scooper at Baskin Robbins, but we're working on the idea of career goals... She likes money, lol, so that's the guiding force right now!

[chlobo]

there is a girl in my DDs class in 6th grade who knows she wants to go to Harvard on a softball scholarship. No idea how that works.

[specialp]

My mother did not complete a college degree, but it was always assumed I would go to college and beyond. She was wonderful for planting that seed and saving every spare penny - on a single parent income - for me to go. But that is where the help stopped. She did not know the ropes, for example, how important it was to look at the rates for those in undergrad who applied to and were accepted into post graduate programs in my field. I ended up at the worst undergrad for my field basically because it was the best financial decision for those 4 years only. Looking back, it was such a short-term view of things. I was incredibly lucky to have 2-3 professors along the way who offered me guidance for post graduation. My mother had no BTDT experience with college much less beyond college, but this was also a different time. Now you can google “how to help my child get into X” and find a wealth of guidance and information. That didn’t exist then.

I have to run now, but found this paper (http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jomf.12156/full) was published in 2015 and maybe what you saw referenced. The article I saw it referenced in stated: "College-educated mothers are “able to more appropriately tailor cognitively stimulating activities to their children’s developmental level,” the researchers document, and they are more equipped to help kids do homework and study for tests" according to the paper.

[AnnieW625]

In our case, we just always talked about it like it was a "duh;" you go to lower elementary, upper elementary, middle school, high school, college. Youngest DD has the bonus of seeing college-educated sister with a house, a working car, and plenty of money, and non-college-educated sister struggling much more. Granted, youngest DD currently wants to be the ice cream scooper at Baskin Robbins, but we're working on the idea of career goals... She likes money, lol, so that's the guiding force right now!

Honestly I think that is a great goal for a 12 yr. old to have. I know people who worked in fast food during high school and college so it would remind them that they would most likely not have to work in that field once they got a degree. The guy who owns the a few McDonalds in my town and is the vice mayor of our city ended up buying a few franchises post college and started working at McDonalds in high school. You never know where that first job might take you. A co worker's brother owns a few Subways and they are cash cows; he is doing well for himself.

[niccig]

I teach kindergarten, and I talk to my students about college. It is hard for them to always see the big picture, and many have just recently moved to this country.

My main school talks about college all the time. There's banners up for different colleges in the hallways and staff are encouraged to wear college alumni shirt on Mondays.

[JBaxter]

My main school talks about college all the time. There's banners up for different colleges in the hallways and staff are encouraged to wear college alumni shirt on Mondays.

Nathan's middle school has pennants of all the staff alumni hanging in the front office Its pretty cool.

[maestramommy]

We have talked about college with the kids, but only in general terms. Mainly that they need to go in order to learn what is necessary for whatever career they want to go to.

We live in a rather high performing district, and if our kids do relatively well in HS I can't imagine that they won't be ready for college. The difficulty will lie in finding one that they like and that we can afford.

[schrocat]

We talk about what one needs to do in order to earn a decent living. Going to university is a means to an end.

[bisous]

My main school talks about college all the time. There's banners up for different colleges in the hallways and staff are encouraged to wear college alumni shirt on Mondays.

I've heard of this before and I love the idea. DH has a framed diploma from his school and we've visited it. I have never framed my diplomas for either of my degrees. I think maybe I should. That's a way to demonstrate that it is important to me.

[DualvansMommy]

My kids are fairly young, but we do intent to talk about college as a planning phase and tool to get most out of what you want from life. I believe mindset is really important, as I have a family friend who is 12 years older than me, was never really academically inclined at school her entire life. Got married at 20 years old, because her parents never talked about college with her, divorced within a year and worked deadend jobs till 30. That's when she met her younger husband who then moved out of state with their toddler son when her father died, her hubby never went to college. Went to work straight out of HS at postal office but rose through the ranks till he lost that job in his transfer out of state. Their two kids; oldest son got into a well regarded magnet school in FL, and got a full ride on musical scholarship to one of best programs for music. But he dropped out as "wasn't happy" and now is working in couple of jobs while moonlighting in his band by playing gigs around town. Got a 3 month old kid, so I feel now his chances to go and do something solid with his path is bit harder now that he has a son and new wife to support.

I always felt that was largely due from his parents not really talking about college, how to make the most out of it simply because the parents never went.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[niccig]

Also, I cannot for the life of me remember where I read this but I read somewhere that the educational prospects of kids are best when the mother is highly educated. Can't remember the exact details. I just remember thinking that it rings true for my experience. My own mom was very into education (became a teacher) whereas DH's mom quit college to get married and have children. Her kids struggled with terrible grades but have gradually become quite successful. OTOH, my siblings all have at least a BA, two have an MA, and two are currently in PhD programs. What do you think?

I've read this too. And it makes sense today as DS is finishing a PowerPoint presentation on circulatory systems diseases. Not only can I help him with using PowerPoint, I'm guiding him in how to do research, summarizing in his own words, and insisting on him adding extra details. I can also explain to him things he doesn't understand. I think about the parents of my 5th graders, many didn't finish high school, and they can't provide the extra instruction I give DS, so it's all on the teachers.

And why is it educated mothers?? Because typically mothers are the ones helping with homework. DH could help DS with this project (not the PowerPoint part) but he's at work today.

[maestramommy]

And why is it educated mothers?? Because typically mothers are the ones helping with homework. DH could help DS with this project (not the PowerPoint part) but he's at work today.

LOL, this is certainly true in my house! The way math homework is explained and done these days I think it would be very hard for an adult with HS or less to help with even elementary math homework. Not because the work itself is all that difficult, but the way it's explained is sometimes tortuous! Recently I couldn't seem to get the gist of the way 4th graders do long division and I had to ask Dh if he could make any sense of it. He was able to but I had to watch a long tutorial the teacher very kindly sent me!

[niccig]

LOL, this is certainly true in my house! The way math homework is explained and done these days I think it would be very hard for an adult with HS or less to help with even elementary math homework. Not because the work itself is all that difficult, but the way it's explained is sometimes tortuous! Recently I couldn't seem to get the gist of the way 4th graders do long division and I had to ask Dh if he could make any sense of it. He was able to but I had to watch a long tutorial the teacher very kindly sent me!

I've learned to find a YouTube video showing how the math is done so I don't confuse DS by doing it the old way.

Some of the parents I work with can't read or write in their native language, so figuring out the lattice method and helping their child is above their own education level. Many of the teachers at my school offer after school tutoring for 30-60 mins. I frequently remind myself that DS is going to be fine as he has advantages so many other children don't have.

[sunnyside]

I haven't decided how to approach this.. I'm very entrepreneurial minded. And I tend to see a million paths to a goal. So my gut instinct is to encourage my kids to evaluate the goals they have and the steps required to succeed. This could include college or not.. But then on the other hand, I do think advanced studies are important and can provide a structured way to learn how to reach goals. It's so expensive, and I spent SO much money on my education, it took me a few tries to figure out what I wanted to study, and get my degree in. Then in hindsight, the early pressure and lack of guidance just had me more confused and feeling rushed and doomed about the whole thing... Ask me again in a decade LOL.

[geochick]

I've read that if your child wants to get into a competitive school, s/he will need a resume before they leave high school. IF you plan for your child to go this route, you should start the conversations now about extracurriculars, volunteer work, grades, ... If you don't see an ivy league school in your kid's future, let them be a kid a little while longer.

[ilfaith]

there is a girl in my DDs class in 6th grade who knows she wants to go to Harvard on a softball scholarship. No idea how that works.

She is going to be disappointed to learn that Ivy League schools do not give out athletic scholarships.


I've read that if your child wants to get into a competitive school, s/he will need a resume before they leave high school. IF you plan for your child to go this route, you should start the conversations now about extracurriculars, volunteer work, grades, ... If you don't see an ivy league school in your kid's future, let them be a kid a little while longer.

My husband does alumni interviews for Columbia University, and it is true that many of the high school seniors he meets do come with resumes in hand. He has been interviewing applicants for the past 25 years or so and the bar is much higher now than it was when he started out. He doubts he would get in to that school if he applied today.

I am pretty certain all three of my boys just assume college is compulsory education after high school. I had the same belief growing up. My parents both have degrees (Dad in business, Mom in education...although she married right out of college, got pregnant on her honeymoon, and while she was set to begin teaching in the fall of 1968, the NYC teachers went on strike, and by the time they settled there was no hiding the bun in the oven, and at the time teachers had to take leave once they were visibly pregnant...years later she got a masters degree and became a librarian). My in-laws both have degrees as well (and are both retired history teachers). My paternal grandmother was the only one of that generation to attend college, although she did not graduate her two siblings earned degrees. My husband has an MBA and I have a BS (in advertising).

We talk about college. Living in Florida, college sports are huge, so the kids see support for the Gators or 'Noles everywhere. We've been watching a bit of the NCAA tournament the past two weeks (especially since my alma mater surprised us all by making the Final Four...even I had them losing in the second round to Michigan State). We occasionally have conversations about what the boys "want to be when they grow up" which often leads to discussion of what sort of education and training the job requires. My 6th grader wants to be a writer; my 4th grader wants to design video games; and my 1st grader aspires to be an astronaut (must be that trip to the Kennedy Space Center earlier this year). I am sure my husband would be delighted if one of the boys followed in his footsteps at Columbia (all those years of doing interviews should entitle him to something more than a nice pen). I would be fine with them going to a state school (admissions are growing more competitive each year...I have many friends who are die-hard Gators who are concerned their children won't get in, even with good grades and test scores).

[hillview]

We talk about college more often
- fun / funny stories about college years
- what college costs and how the savings plan is going -- we share the statement quarterly
- what college is like academically (more ability to focus on what you like and less what you don't like -- so DS1 loves math and he gets to take a lot of math in college)
- that college is like what high school was when I was little (or when my parents were younger) it is a given you have to go to have a job you want
- DS2 wants to live at home (he is 8) when he is in college which we said was fine (expect he will change his mind)
- sometimes when a DS talks about wanting to be xyz when he grows up we talk about the college major or graduate school work he could do to get there or when we go to the doctor or see a lawyer friend what degrees they have (more casually as a point of conversation)
- I am way more focused on a "do your best" than I am on a "get an A in this class" so grades are not really a focus area per se

I have a BA and DH has a PhD.

[daisysmom]

We talk about college a ton with my 9 year old but that is 100% driven by the fact that her cousins and her babysitters are all either in college or going in the next two years. As older parents, we get to watch what everyone else does and learn from them. So my DD has her top two favorite schools and thinks she will go to one or the other. I do find this helpful and fun, but frankly, we aren't getting her ready academically. But she is used to the idea that she will go and leave us, and have a wonderful time there like all of her cousins are having.

[div_0305]

Education is highly valued in my family, and growing up, I didn't even think college was an option--just the next step after HS. I think it's the same with my kids--since a young age, they both have talked about college and the profession they are interested in--which has changed, but is always a challenging one. I don't believe in pressuring my kids to do anything, but I know that I and DH talk about our university experiences and that has to influence the kids subtly, if not directly.

[smiles33]

I think my kids are fortunate that they have been exposed to relatives and friends that all went to college and many to graduate/professional school as well. In our extended family, we have numerous PhDs, lawyers, dentists, orthodontists, medical doctors, pharmacists, optometrists, etc. All 4 of DDs' grandparents have graduate/professional degrees, both parents do, and 2 aunts (1 is by marriage) and an uncle also have graduate/professional degrees. The only aunt who doesn't have a graduate degree wanted to be an actress, but still earned her BA. An uncle about to join the family by marriage doesn't have a grad degree but he's been successful in tech (which doesn't seem to require grad degrees these days).

I hope that knowing that advanced studies are "common" will lay the groundwork for them to do so as well. We absolutely expect them to go to college and truth be told, there is also the expectation that they will do advanced graduate work. My dad emphasized grad degrees to my brother and me because he felt that we had to be "over-qualified" in order to compete as minorities in America. I don't know that this is the case anymore (minorities aren't as easily passed over as they were decades ago).

We have told them it's hard work to get into these advanced programs, but we've never emphasized grades or test scores (or praised high scores, to DD1's disappointment as she knows other kids' parents give rewards). Instead, our praise and encouragement always focuses on effort and perseverance.

[MelissaTC]

We have always discussed it. Now that he's going to HS next school year (how is that possible??!!) we had to make a 4 year plan. He knows how important his grades are and he doesn't hear it just from us. His middle school is ultra competitive and his high school will be as well. He and his classmates talk about college all the time.

[hellokitty]

Well, if you don't talk about it, then they won't exposed to it. We've talked casually to our kids about college for a long time. The two older ones (10 an 12) often make references with, "when I go to college..." So, they kind of know that this is a path we expect them to take. My 6 yr old thinks that college is a place and doesn't quite understand what it is, whereas I think my older boys understand that it is a place for them to study to start their careers.

[Globetrotter]

Move to the Bay Area. It's ALL we think about 🙄
My kids have always known from early elementary, and they even assume they will get doctorates, which is rather amusing to me.
Maybe hang out with older family friends or cousins who can be a good role model? Do you live in a place where college is heavily emphasized? If so, it will happen automatically when he's older. You could talk about the importance of a degree Irt lifestyle. My kids want to travel and live in decent places, so they know they need a certain salary to do that. I think that is more relatable at this age.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Move to the Bay Area. It's ALL we think about [emoji849]
My kids have always known from early elementary, and they even assume they will get doctorates, which is rather amusing to me.
Maybe hang out with older family friends or cousins who can be a good role model? Do you live in a place where college is heavily emphasized? If so, it will happen automatically when he's older. You could talk about the importance of a degree Irt lifestyle. My kids want to travel and live in decent places, so they know they need a certain salary to do that. I think that is more relatable at this age.

Ha! I was going to post sooner but hadn't had time. So my East Bay niece and nephew have been the cautionary tales for my kids. Niece is finally on track. Nephew is mid-20s, no college, squandered an inheritance, wants to be in a band (sees no value in school) and now lives across the country with his grandparents as he ran out of money...and hope. He has managed to hold down his job as a waiter for 6 months now, which is a record. I think he's getting on the right track. We do reference him when talking about the importance of college or at least having a realistic plan of some sort. So, anyway, the Bay Area influence didn't come over to their neck of Oakland and Berkley. Back when they were in school, it was far more respected to "find your happiness" than pursue a successful career (not that the 2 are mutually exclusive; a dose of thinking about how to pay the bills has to factor in at some point though).

[bisous]

I just talked to my kids. DS1 says college comes after high school and he wants to go but hopes he has enough money, lol. I think I need to work with him. We do have (SMALL!) fund for him but he will need scholarships and loans and we'll help when with what we can. DS2 says he's DEFINITELY going because he is dead set on becoming a vulcanologist. He's already starting to think about programs. DS3 is 4 and DD is 2 so, not on their radar yet.

I want my kids to go to college but I don't want them to be stressed about it. I like the suggestions on here about talking proudly about school, sharing stories etc. I'm going to get my degrees framed. It is a small thing but I think if they are visible they will show that they are important to me. I think maybe we'll schedule some college visits and hopefully that will inspire a desire to get a degree because they'll want to go! THat is what worked for me. I was (and still am) about "finding your happiness" but I think the practical aspects of life DO bring happiness. And college was very much a happy place for me!

It is just interesting to me because I think college can be overemphasized. I'm really interested in hearing from kids who did remarkably well in high school and got into great schools. Is it a foregone conclusion that they will be working late nights throughout high school and feeling a lot of pressure to achieve at that level? Or are there highly successful kids (academically) that also have a nice life balance?

[daisysmom]

It is just interesting to me because I think college can be overemphasized. I'm really interested in hearing from kids who did remarkably well in high school and got into great schools. Is it a foregone conclusion that they will be working late nights throughout high school and feeling a lot of pressure to achieve at that level? Or are there highly successful kids (academically) that also have a nice life balance?

I agree that highschool is far more competitive now than it was when I was there (1983-1987). But have you read "Boys in the Boat" -- as you will see that university then (leading up to WWII) was far less competitive than it was when I went (1987-1991). I remember my father remarking on this when I was in college, since he (a doctor) rented a room and worked two full time jobs while he went to college.

This is to say... times change. And my belief is this is ok. Just like I didn't really understand that my college experience was more competitive than my father's was, kids now don't really feel how much more competitive their highschool experience was compared to ours. Sure they here it, but when you are in the forest, you can't see the trees. Our two babysitters are graduating highschool and heading off to very prestigious colleges this fall. They still are wonderfully happy and cheerful and hopeful kids (huge Bernie Sanders supporters, interestingly, considering their parents have paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to send them to private schools their whole lives). They have had as many allnighters as I had in lawschool (i.e. a lot) but they are still happy kids. I just don't worry about these things too much.

[Globetrotter]

Bisous, maybe not the whole Bay Area lol Some parts are more granola, but ours is predominantly Asian high tech 😬
Oh yeah, we also relay fun college stories!

I'm having a hard time quoting on my phone, but to answer your question, Does it have to be stressful? No, but if you live in a cut throat environment it is very hard to stay out of the craziness. It also depends on your kid's personality and how stressed they get. Mine are high strung and put pressure on themselves, so we have to pull back. For instance, we limited APs and activities and emphasize sleep and social activities to provide balance. We are not the norm, though we found a group of like-minded friends. And DD has done exceptionally well (SATs and so on) so she is no worse off than the kids who took all APs and got no sleep. We are also lucky that her high school emphasizes balance, though the teachers still give loads of work so there is little down time, and she's a fast worker!

[egoldber]

We've talked to the kids about how we have college expectations. Now that older DD is in HS, the kids are obsessed with it. I've had to be the parent who tells their kid they don't have to take all APs, or found a non-profit, or be president of every club in order to get into college. I know part of this is she goes to a very competitive public magnet and many of the kids there are incredibly off the chart in many ways. But they are still kids!

She definitely has thoughts about where she would like to go to college, but IMO the places she says she wants to attend are only because she has experience with them in some way: a random school competition was there, she went to a camp there, etc.


kids now don't really feel how much more competitive their highschool experience was compared to ours. Sure they here it, but when you are in the forest, you can't see the trees.

I don't agree with this. From what I see kids are under a tremendous amount of pressure from parents and peers to have that perfect resume. And if they don't they think they are doomed to work at McDonalds their whole lives. I'm not kidding there are kids that think this way. It's amazing to me.

Our district has had several suicides in recent years. And articles like these really resonate with me and what I hear from my older DD.

http://www.vox.com/2016/3/29/11301078/high-school-stress-college

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/12/the-silicon-valley-suicides/413140/

I think high school kids these days are under an extraordinary amount of stress and pressure that I think is incredibly unhealthy. And often it is well meaning parents who are feeding the frenzy.

My younger DD is not a typical learner. And she has already told me she would rather do anything than work in an office all day. She is a different kid from my oldest and I am not certain a traditional 4 year degree path is the right one for her. That is hard for me to navigate since it is very different from my own path and the one her older sister is taking.

[gatorsmom]

She definitely has thoughts about where she would like to go to college, but IMO the places she says she wants to attend are only because she has experience with them in some way: a random school competition was there, she went to a camp there, etc.

My younger DD is not a typical learner. And she has already told me she would rather do anything than work in an office all day. She is a different kid from my oldest and I am not certain a traditional 4 year degree path is the right one for her. That is hard for me to navigate since it is very different from my own path and the one her older sister is taking.

Texas A&M is DH's alma mater. He and everyone else who I know went there are VERY vocally supportive of that school. Our kids have been wearing A&M athletic gear since they were babies. So of course ALL FOUR of my kids want to go there! I like the school but come on, there are other universities out there (and since we don't live in Texas we'd be paying out if state tuition. Ouch).

Regarding kids not learning in a typical manner, I have 2 like that. I know they are very intelligent because their neuropsych evals indicated this. But we just haven't found the things they really love yet or an industry that excites them. The only thing I'm absolutely certain about is that DS1 couldn't be in an office all day (just like Dh). But I could spend the rest of my working life in a tiny cubicle and be fine with that so I just don't understand that mindset. DH switched univsersities 3 times before he graduated. And it took a few jobs after college before he figured out his real talent is in sales and with numbers. I'm trying to figure out how to guide my kids toward a study and introduce activities and games that would be a good fit and preparation for them but I honestly don't have a clue.

[Globetrotter]

I agree with egoldberg. The pressure is very real, and it's worsened by tiger parenting. It takes a lot of get into universities that were once considered a safe bet, and every year kids experience heartbreaking rejections.
Check out Race to nowhere and challenge success.

[carolinacool]

DS is 6, but we've been talking about college with him since he could speak. I went to UNC. All three of us have UNC gear, UNC knickknacks sit around the house, my car has stickers, license plates, etc. (As an aside, a PP mentioned her college being a surprise at the Final Four this year. I apologize in advance for the beatdown we're going to put on you Saturday. lol)

But we always tell DS "And when you go to UNC..." He's too young to understand and it's all in fun. But we are laying the expectation that he will do *something* after high school. DH did not go. Unlike many on here, we come from families where college was not an expectation. DH has done very well for himself at his current company, but he definitely hasn't had the easy option to move around to other places because he doesn't have a degree, even though he has tons of experience.

[Corie]

Texas A&M is DH's alma mater. He and everyone else who I know went there are VERY vocally supportive of that school.


My husband also went to Texas A&M and Aggies are crazy-in-love with their school. :)

[NCGrandma]

DS is 6, but we've been talking about college with him since he could speak. I went to UNC. All three of us have UNC gear, UNC knickknacks sit around the house, my car has stickers, license plates, etc. (As an aside, a PP mentioned her college being a surprise at the Final Four this year. I apologize in advance for the beatdown we're going to put on you Saturday. lol)

But we always tell DS "And when you go to UNC..." He's too young to understand and it's all in fun. But we are laying the expectation that he will do *something* after high school. DH did not go. Unlike many on here, we come from families where college was not an expectation. DH has done very well for himself at his current company, but he definitely hasn't had the easy option to move around to other places because he doesn't have a degree, even though he has tons of experience.

Yes, this may not be the best time to have a neutral conversation about colleges! And I already know not to even try to go downtown at certain times!

This thread has made me realize that for my DGDs, college is just a part of the family environment. Both parents and all 5 grandparents have advanced degrees and the majority of both generations are in academia. I'm not sure they've ever had the same kind of "when you go to college" conversation that would occur in a family where this is less common.


Sent from my iPad using Baby Bargains mobile app

[carolinacool]

Yes, this may not be the best time to have a neutral conversation about colleges! And I already know not to even try to go downtown at certain times!


Sent from my iPad using Baby Bargains mobile app

Yes! We're driving to Chapel Hill to watch the game. I'm so excited, I'm about to come out of my skin!:ROTFLMAO: But my joking is all in good fun.

[mom2binsd]

I talk about it, and the kids are aware of what college we went to, and both XH and have Masters degrees. I wouldn't say it's a huge focus at this point, DD is in 7th grade and does well, although a lot of her passion is artistic, creative ventures that may be better suited at a jr. college type setting at least to start. DS figures he's getting a hockey scholarship to Michigan State, but he's only 10 so he also thinks he's going to play in the NHL too. I think it's important to support them academically but also know they may not chose or get into the traditional 4 year college right away and that's fine with me too. A lot of very successful people that I know did not go to college but own businesses or are carpenters, electricians etc.

I'm sure as they enter high school we'll discuss it more but I don't drill it into them or make it focus of a lot of conversations.

[StantonHyde]

My kids fully understand that they have to go to college. (they do not have vo-tech leanings). My philosophy is that I don't care what you do as long as:
1. You have a college degree or some sort of degree/training that gives you an opportunity for a steady job. Once you have that, then you can CHOOSE. I know many, many people who got stuck in their late 30s being at the end of the road because they have tons of experience but no degree.

2. After the degree--here are my requirements:
a) be self-sustaining--I am not paying for you, you are not living with me. Yes, I will help launch you and then you are done.
b) be happy--don't work a dead end Wall Street job so you can retire when you are 40. It will suck the life out of you.
c) be legally employed. (no drug dealing or scams etc)

So my kids know, just KNOW they are going to college. DS will probably have to go to a state university type place because he will need accommodations for dyslexia. DD could do anything but she may well take something like art school etc.

I interview students for my alma mater--top 10 east-coast liberal arts school. I can tell you, flat out, the easiest way to get into a competitive school is to move to where there are few people who apply!!!! I got into school largely because I was living in Idaho at the time. Not kidding. I had great grades and good recommendations. My essay was AWFUL!!! I can't test for crap. But--I chose to apply to a school that cares more about the person and the community vs. the test scores. I would encourage my kids to do the same.

As for kids having a balance-nope. Sorry. I didn't have one when I was in HS 30+ years ago. I sure as he!! didn't in college--good gravy that was ridiculous. And I honestly don't know that I want my kids to have to do what I did. Big name schools get you a foot in the door if you work in major east coast or west coast cities. Otherwise, you are better off getting a degree from whatever regional powerhouse is where you want to live. My kids could get 50% off tuition at the state U here and could easily get any job they wanted with that degree--provided they stay in this region. My fancy pants college means NOTHING to people here. Heck my fancy pants degree meant nada to the bank where I first worked after grad school--everybody there graduated from "lower level" schools and that's what the managers respected.

On the flip side, I got an amazing, awesome education that stays with me the rest of my life. Not a giant COLLEGE experience. But a great education with attention from amazing professors. I went to a bigger university for grad school and was appalled at how the professors treated undergrads. I got a great grad school education but they could not care LESS about undergrads. And those students were easily paying as much as I did for a college--but my largest class had 60 people in it and professors who called me if I missed class twice--they wanted to make sure I was ok.

It's all a balance of what you want. But if you live in California and you want to go anywhere on the West Coast or to a big name east coast school (Harvard, Yale) you are hosed. Same thing if you are from New Jersey and want to go to a competitive east coast school. I worked in admissions and my gads--every kid was captain of the lacrosse team, editor of the yearbook, blah, blah, blah. I love interviewing kids who are in our local High School IB program. They are fascinating--one girl took up flamenco dancing in HS and worked as a docent at the historical society. Another kid worked with the local Muslim/Jewish group that fed people on Christmas day. He also taught himself Bengali by watching Bollywood movies because his parents were immigrants and thought he should only speak English.

So do something different!!!!!!! (or move to Idaho :wink2:)