Please help - 3 yr old saying "You're not my friend", kicking etc

[daisyd]

DS2 is having a severe case of the terrible threes. A sweet and loving baby has gradually turned into a preschooler who says and does hurtful stuff. He transitioned to preschool from daycare (at the same center) about 6 months ago. It took about 3-4 months for him not to cry at drop offs and settle in. I've seen myself and heard other parents complain about the classroom atmosphere. Kids regularly (many times daily) say stuff like "You're not my friend. You can't come to my house, party etc". For the past month DS2 is showing more of this behavior along with kicking, hitting, saying "stupid" (when told his behavior is unacceptable) and spitting. DS1 7.5 yrs, is generally a great sibling but he doesn't want to hang out with DS2 much because of this.

Today DS2 greeted a woman he'd never met before with "You're not my friend". She laughed it off and he repeated it insistently ending with "Stupid". I was mortified and apologized to the woman. I'm not sure how to handle this. We've had conversations about how words can be hurtful and how he doesn't like it when his peers at preschool call him names or hurt him physically. He is always remorseful after a tantrum of this sort. I've spoken to his teachers and they acknowledged that the class in general was more rambunctious at this time and he seemed to be feeding off of this. They've promised to help with him and make changes in the classroom.

Has anyone successfully got their 3 year old to unlearn this behavior? It is really affecting our family time and outings. I need some encouragement and advice.

[mom_hanna]

It sounds like he is learning this behavior from the classroom atmosphere at school. I would seriously consider changing preschools and finding one where there are rules for behavior that are enforced.

[123LuckyMom]

If your preschool isn't addressing this behavior, I absolutely would change schools. I doubt that's the case, though. You're in the age of the "you're not my friend" hurtfulness. I still remember the first time my son came home and burst into tears when he told me his friend had said that to him. This is a really important part of preschool (and life) learning. Everyone is not always going to like us. Sometimes people who do like us are going to treat us in a way that's hurtful. When someone we like makes us angry, how will we respond? The preschool should be concentrating on these lessons. Absolutely the word stupid and any physical violence is unacceptable. I wonder whether there's a child in the class who's getting lots of attention acting out in this way. I'd talk to the preschool teachers. I'd tell them the behaviors you're seeing and ask them how they handle these things in the classroom and whether they have tips on how you can handle it at home. I think you'll get a good read from their response as to whether the school is doing a good job.

ETA: That friend of my son's is still his best friend. This behavior will pass. It's best not to have too big a reaction to it. A firm, "using that word is unacceptable," and "I know you're angry, but kicking is not okay," and then redirecting is best. Treat it like whining. Just say no to the behavior over and over and over. Also, give the attention to the offended, not the offender. The one who gets hurt gets the attention, not the one who does the hurting. Meanwhile, this behavior comes from having lots of feelings and not knowing the best way to handle them, so give alternatives.

[khm]

Yeah, the "your not my friend" thing is totally normal. I'm not sure if the preschool is addressing it properly or not, but the behavior itself is NORMAL.

We have a neighbor who is my daughter's age. When they were 4ish, the neighbor liked to tell my daughter they were moving because it made my daughter really upset. I think maybe it felt good that my daughter cared so much? Not sure. They were absolutely not planning on moving, it was entirely fiction. Fast forward 9 years and she is the sweetest most mature wonderful kid. It was just a phase.

[BunnyBee]

It sounds like he is learning this behavior from the classroom atmosphere at school. I would seriously consider changing preschools and finding one where there are rules for behavior that are enforced.

I agree. You aren't going to be able to change behavior in the few hours he's at home if it's getting reinforced all day long in school.

[mackmama]

This type of behavior happens at DC's preschool. DC is 5yo now. I don't like it at all and was shocked when my very-sweet DC started saying stuff like that last year (when DC was 4). I spoke to the teacher, and apparently it was from this one particular boy who other kids were mimicking. They were working with the boy. The parents then redshirted him, so he's still in DC's class this year :( and he still teaches DC and other kids all sorts of mean-kid behavior I don't like. I have again spoken with the teachers this year. I have seen this one boy improve a lot this year, so I'm not sure if that's from the teacher interventions or not. I've spent a lot of time talking about these behaviors with DC, pointing out that stuff isn't nice and isn't good manners, would make others feel bad, makes DC feel bad when DC is on the receiving end. DC gets it and doesn't say that kind of stuff anymore except once in a while when really upset. I think it's normal for kids to "try on" this type of stuff. I recommend talking to the teachers about it and would expect them to be on top of it. If they aren't receptive, I'd switch preschools. I think this is the age when some very basic social skills are being built, and I'd want the teachers to be attuned to it.

[daisyd]

Thanks all for weighing in. Changing preschools did cross my mind, but I wondered if I was overreacting. Our current preschool is a Bright Horizons and accommodates changes in my work schedule with minimal notice. Traditional preschools are not as flexible IME which makes me hesitate about switching schools.

So, I spoke to the lead teacher today. She basically said that this is normal preschool behavior and that they would support him to grow out of it by helping him tune into his emotions that were leading him to act out, encourage him to put on his listening ears and explain to him in an age appropriate way why words can hurt just like actions. She tended to be a little dismissive of the class atmosphere, even defensive saying that this was normal for this age but that they would grow out of it. She suggested giving him chores so that he could earn positive attention and praise which would then lead him to engage in better behavior.

I'm going to give this some time and I hope it will get better with my efforts and school support. But I've already put in an application for another preschool as a safety net. I won't know about acceptance for another 4 months though.Keeping my fingers crossed.

[123LuckyMom]

Thanks all for weighing in. Changing preschools did cross my mind, but I wondered if I was overreacting. Our current preschool is a Bright Horizons and accommodates changes in my work schedule with minimal notice. Traditional preschools are not as flexible IME which makes me hesitate about switching schools.

So, I spoke to the lead teacher today. She basically said that this is normal preschool behavior and that they would support him to grow out of it by helping him tune into his emotions that were leading him to act out, encourage him to put on his listening ears and explain to him in an age appropriate way why words can hurt just like actions. She tended to be a little dismissive of the class atmosphere, even defensive saying that this was normal for this age but that they would grow out of it. She suggested giving him chores so that he could earn positive attention and praise which would then lead him to engage in better behavior.

I'm going to give this some time and I hope it will get better with my efforts and school support. But I've already put in an application for another preschool as a safety net. I won't know about acceptance for another 4 months though.Keeping my fingers crossed.

Her response sounds good. This is normal behavior for that age, she's absolutely right about that, and her plan to address it when it happens is entirely appropriate.


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[daisyd]

Another update - it looks like other parents have noticed a spike in these behaviors in their children. I ran into a couple of moms having this discussion and sounds like they've also spoken about this to the teacher. I'm hoping this will mean more attention is paid to resolving this speedily.

Thanks for your support all.