Being supportive versus being realistic?

[lalasmama]

DH and I are struggling with this little conundrum....

DD is an incredibly flexible 12yo (like, she can put her ankles behind her neck and walk on her hands)... She's also completely hopeless in body awareness--she has dyspraxia (poor motor planning). Her dyspraxia can be "helped," but it's likely always going to be a bit of a hurdle for her. It frequently frustrates her that she can't figure out how to move her body like other kids do. It took her a long time to walk, to run, to jump, to do alternate-climbing stairs, and she still has a heck of time with anything that crosses the midline (like doing a "windmill" or a cartwheel). She has a Xbox game that gives points for dancing, and for her to "get" how to do the dance, I have to stand behind her and move her body the right way; once she "feels" it a few times, she can usually get a close approximation, but never completely "right." She has lost all the "fun" of the game because she doesn't get it to say "perfect" or "almost perfect" very often.

One of her (well-meaning, but oblivious) friends told her she should do dance next year, as that would make great use of her flexibility. DD has glommed onto this idea, and it is 100% what she wants to do next year, at the expense of any other sport/activity. Our dance program at the school is competition-based.

She's done track and cross country this year, and liked both. She's not good at either of them, but she had a lot of fun. We encouraged these because she's going against her self versus another team. We have a fairly competitive sports program; the track and XC are the least competitive (or the easiest to ignore the competitiveness).

So, the conundrum is pretty simple... Do we support her in the dance program, knowing that she's going to be really frustrated very quickly, and her dyspraxia will affect the whole team, or do we say "no" to dance, but continue to support other "personal" sports, like track and XC where success is as simple as beating your last PR?

[cmo]

Could she try out dance in a summer camp or evening class type setting before the start of next school year? That would give her a taste of how it works, if she likes it, how competitive it is, etc.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I am biased against competition dance schools so I'd be seeking out an alternative. But I'd allow her to try a low key rec dance program and see how it goes. Can her therapists recommend a good program?


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[egoldber]

Is this a dance team at the school? Or a dance team at a dance studio?

If it is a competitive tryout, and she is competing against kids with years of prior dance experience, then she will likely just not get picked. I would let the process work itself out.

Now, my oldest is somewhat like you describe. This year she joined an arts based team at her high school. It isn't dance, but it is similar. The tryouts were not competitive and they basically take anyone. She is not great at it, but she loves it. They have practice 2 nights a week and a competition most weekends.

Honestly it's been an incredible experience for her. She has learned a lot and grown tremendously being a part of this group even though she is very clearly the least talented person on the team. She did take dance for several years in elementary school and that did help her. She also does yoga once a week and that has helped her build strength and coordination.

If she would really like to try, I would reach out to the coach and find out what the basic requirements are. Like a PP mentioned I would consider looking for summer camps / workshops to help her build skills. There are summer intensive classes and camps (for a range of abilities) that will help her build skills and also help her decide if this is something that she really wants to do.

[hillview]

I'd let her do it

[npace19147]

At that age it might be best to let school be the "bad guy" and have her not make the dance team if it is truly competitive. If you stop her then you will be the reason she didn't do it. I would explain to her what you said here (kindly) and if she refuses to listen then be supportive if it crashes and burns. Maybe it will work out, maybe not, but you can't protect them from everything. GL!

[bisous]

I'd let her do it

I would too.

[essnce629]

I would let her do it as well.

[mom2binsd]

Our Jr. High dance team is super competitive, there are tryouts and only the kids who've been taking dance for at least 5 years make the team, so I'm assuming yours might be the same. I would let her find out more about it, does her friend have previous dance experience? She may realize that she doesn't have the dance experience to make the team. So let her find out more about it (our schools have tryouts in the spring for the following school year, incoming 6th graders from the elementary schools are notified and come and tryout.

Let her figure it out.

[AnnieW625]

I would let her do it too. Good luck to her.

[Indianamom2]

I completely understand what you're saying here. DD is very much the same. It's painful to watch her try sometimes and very hard to know what to do. I like the suggestion of letting her try a low-cost/commitment dance program over the summer to see how that goes.

[inmypjs]

I have a child with dyspraxia, and I wanted to ask if she knows she has it? Does she know what it means and have you talked about how it affects her? My son is aware, and honestly it has helped him to know it. He has tried a few sports/activities that I would not have chosen for him, but I felt like he did with eyes wide open - knowing that they would be harder for him because of dyspraxia. We did have to point that out, he didn't naturally think of it. We talked about the activities ahead of time, that they would likely be harder for him than other kids, if he was up for that, and that the expectation was that he would stick with it for the duration even if he got frustrated. I think that helped a lot. I am a big fan of giving kids all the information so they can make the best choices. I am also a fan of talking openly about disabilities. So my bottom line is yes I would let her do it, but not without talking about how her dyspraxia may impact her first.

[lalasmama]

I have a child with dyspraxia, and I wanted to ask if she knows she has it? Does she know what it means and have you talked about how it affects her? My son is aware, and honestly it has helped him to know it. He has tried a few sports/activities that I would not have chosen for him, but I felt like he did with eyes wide open - knowing that they would be harder for him because of dyspraxia. We did have to point that out, he didn't naturally think of it. We talked about the activities ahead of time, that they would likely be harder for him than other kids, if he was up for that, and that the expectation was that he would stick with it for the duration even if he got frustrated. I think that helped a lot. I am a big fan of giving kids all the information so they can make the best choices. I am also a fan of talking openly about disabilities. So my bottom line is yes I would let her do it, but not without talking about how her dyspraxia may impact her first.

She's aware of the dyspraxia; we're pretty open about it, and she knows I have it (much more mildly than she does), so we often struggle together to learn how to do something. She was diagnosed when she was 5, so she's been dealing with it for as long as she can remember. DD, has rougher time with it than I do with large muscle motor skills, and has to "feel" the movements many times to "maybe" get an idea of how to kind of do the movement. And all the time, it's very trying for her, very emotional if she feels like she's not getting it. (We play Dance Central on the Xbox, and by the second song, she's usually mad and possibly stomping off crying.)

I often will point out to DD things that I have a problem with because of my dyspraxia--like I'm a second behind schedule when I need to hit a ball, and I have to be a "mirror" instead of a "shadow" when learning to move my body by watching someone else, and I can't read directions to figure out how to do something, but once I see how to do it visually, in real time, I can usually approximate it. I always point out that I'm having fun learning, so that it doesn't seem like a mountain to conquer, but she gets much more frustrated much easier than I do... Because of her history (intrauterine drug exposure), we're pretty darn open about the challenges that come, and talking/planning how to make things easier. We've talked to her about the fact that the dyspraxia will make it more difficult (along with the tears, and yelling, and cursing about why she was born with these challenges, as always), but that it doesn't mean we stop doing things just because they are hard.

DH and I have talked about it. He'll be talking to the dance coach to see how competitive it really is, and how to help her succeed as much as possible. I like the thought that several people had upthread, that if we let her do it and she did her best and didn't make it, it wasn't us holding her back... that's a good way for us to look at it, I think. I'll be sad along with her if she doesn't make it, but as least I will know that's my fault because I didn't allow her to try.