PDA

View Full Version : Rules for texting?



lalasmama
05-28-2016, 05:19 PM
What are your family's rules for texting in the middle school crowd?

DD got a new phone at Christmas, and her friends (6th graders) have been getting phones as well. DD is excited to start texting with friends, and we agree it's about time to let her (she's texted us and her sisters for months now). But, we're stuck on "appropriate" limit setting and rules. Phone is in the living room generally, and only allowed in her bedroom if the 2/4/5yos are here. It's not password protected, except to buy/download things, and only I know the password.

So, the current "what to do about" is who she is allowed to text. We told her to get her <specifically named> BFF's phone number, so that they could text. She's a good kid, they like to hang out, they are equally socially awkward, not concerned about them texting inappropriate things. (While interested in boys, neither has enough interest to actually talk/hang-out/"date" a boy yet, so I'm not worried about pressure to sext or such.) However, DD then gave her phone number to another child (whose name we hear, but who we have never met), and DD got her number (though, it turns out, it had too many digits). Then this "unknown-to-us" friend texted DD last night. DD lied about who it was ("It's my best friend!" but refused to say it was specifically named friend above), and if we (DH or I) gave permission to text with this person.

Are we ridiculous expecting her to only text with kids we know? She's got 4-5 good friends, 3 whom we've met, and allow texting with anyone of them that we've met except for 1 (because she's seriously boy crazy with zero parental involvement and seeks adult male attention).

What are your family's rules for texting, especially when the child is pretty oblivious re: social situations and new to texting?

jren
05-28-2016, 08:05 PM
My DD is 12 and just graduated 6th. Texting really picked up this past school year. The kids all text each other, group texts as well. Everyone has everyone's number. She knows I am allowed to read all texts as they are coming in and at any time at my discretion. The texts are pretty much just a bunch of "hi"s. Not a lot happening. She has a boy who regularly texts her and she gives quick yes no responses and doesn't engage at all. We've talked about appropriate use of texting and social media (she just got Instagram). If she posts something even slightly questionable, I make her delete it and we discuss why it was borderline. This is the teaching age. In a few years, they'll be too good at hiding stuff. So I hope she learns why things are and aren't okay now.

I would put a password on her phone. We had an instance where a school friend got a hold of DD's phone at a school lock-in and texted a friend of DD's some stuff. My DD handled it, made the girl apologize to her friend. But after that we put a passcode on the phone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

SnuggleBuggles
05-28-2016, 10:23 PM
Phone is password protected and we know the password. A year ago, someone got a hold of ds1's iPad and used ds1's account to harass someone. Caused oodles of trouble though everyone involved knew my kiddo didn't do it. It was passwords protected but the other kid got to it before the pw kicked on. Anyway, passwords are good. Rule is parents need to know them.
Phone gets charged in the kitchen over night.
We can access his phone whenever we want and look at whatever we want.
We don't limit his contacts if they're kids from school. Other situations haven't come up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

erosenst
05-28-2016, 10:56 PM
DD just ended 6th grade. Phone is password protected. Wide circle of people that she texts with - school, camp friends , other friends etc. Lots of silly group chats as well. All social plans made via text whether one friend coming over, a bday party, etc.

We know her password but pretty rarely check it. Deal is that as long as we don't have a reason to not trust her we will only check very rarely. Phone has a 10p curfew on school nights but otherwise allowed in her room.

Having said that - every kid is different and you know her best. If you really think he lack of social awareness can lead to issues I'd probably make a "daily phone check" rule. For most (not all, and you're best judge) kids, limiting to 3 kids at end of 6th isn't realistic or reasonable if you want her social skills to develop.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

JBaxter
05-30-2016, 08:03 AM
DS3 is in 6th Texting is a way of life with is friends. His phone is also password protected but I have his password and he asks permission to change it. To me texting is an extension of talking. I randomly check his phone every couple days to see whats going on with his friends. I actually got alerted by one of DS3s friends mom that he was having a problem with a bullying situation.

toby
05-30-2016, 06:11 PM
There is so much good advice here... lalasmama -let us know how it goes!

I'm sorry for hijacking, but how did your kids' react when you told them that you would or might look at their texts? We haven't quite gotten to the texting stage, but DS has told us that reading texts is like looking at someone's diary. I see what he is saying, but I think that it is important to keep track...

SAHMIL
05-30-2016, 06:43 PM
My son is not of texting age yet, but here are two things I have learned. I believe for droids there is a web site called my mobile watchdog and you an see every text your kid sends by registering phone. Apple products don't have this yet but you can hook up your phone to their cloud or install your cloud on their phone. I did this with my sons iPad so I see what he sends me me and my husband


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

lalasmama
05-30-2016, 10:10 PM
I'm sorry for hijacking, but how did your kids' react when you told them that you would or might look at their texts? We haven't quite gotten to the texting stage, but DS has told us that reading texts is like looking at someone's diary. I see what he is saying, but I think that it is important to keep track...

"That is so UNFAIR! That's my own personal business!" And then I pointed out that she has an iPhone 6 with a killer plan, and if she'd like to have her own private phone where we aren't monitoring it, she's welcome to give us the $85/mo that her phone costs (between leasing the phone and 1/4 of the service plan) when she's 18. She continued to fuss about it a little more, however, once we pointed out that we weren't arguing, and it was a safety issue, she relented. She still grumbles about it, but has accepted that we have the final say if she wants to have a phone and texting plan.

SnuggleBuggles
05-30-2016, 10:14 PM
There is so much good advice here... lalasmama -let us know how it goes!

I'm sorry for hijacking, but how did your kids' react when you told them that you would or might look at their texts? We haven't quite gotten to the texting stage, but DS has told us that reading texts is like looking at someone's diary. I see what he is saying, but I think that it is important to keep track...

I was just reading through my ds1's earlier and he asked what I was doing. I reminded him that I could check when and he didn't complain.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

boolady
05-30-2016, 10:32 PM
There is so much good advice here... lalasmama -let us know how it goes!

I'm sorry for hijacking, but how did your kids' react when you told them that you would or might look at their texts? We haven't quite gotten to the texting stage, but DS has told us that reading texts is like looking at someone's diary. I see what he is saying, but I think that it is important to keep track...

Well, I don't agree with your DS that text messages are equivalent to a diary. A diary contains a person's private thoughts and the things he chooses to record for his own reflection. I think of a diary as a place someone records things he doesn't want to share with anyone. And I respect that and would not read my child's diary unless I thought she was in crisis or some other extraordinary situation.

Texting is the opposite. Text messages are communications to and from the outside world, and can include links, photos, etc. I want to read my DD's texts as much to see what she's receiving as what she's sending, if not more so. In our house, it's very simple. If you want the privilege of communicating with your friends that way using a device and/or carrier I pay for, you accept that the terms of use include my monitoring your texts.

toby
05-31-2016, 08:37 AM
Well, I don't agree with your DS that text messages are equivalent to a diary. A diary contains a person's private thoughts and the things he chooses to record for his own reflection. I think of a diary as a place someone records things he doesn't want to share with anyone. And I respect that and would not read my child's diary unless I thought she was in crisis or some other extraordinary situation.

Texting is the opposite. Text messages are communications to and from the outside world, and can include links, photos, etc. I want to read my DD's texts as much to see what she's receiving as what she's sending, if not more so. In our house, it's very simple. If you want the privilege of communicating with your friends that way using a device and/or carrier I pay for, you accept that the terms of use include my monitoring your texts.


Well said...

Meatball Mommie
05-31-2016, 10:22 AM
Well, I don't agree with your DS that text messages are equivalent to a diary. A diary contains a person's private thoughts and the things he chooses to record for his own reflection. I think of a diary as a place someone records things he doesn't want to share with anyone. And I respect that and would not read my child's diary unless I thought she was in crisis or some other extraordinary situation.

Texting is the opposite. Text messages are communications to and from the outside world, and can include links, photos, etc. I want to read my DD's texts as much to see what she's receiving as what she's sending, if not more so. In our house, it's very simple. If you want the privilege of communicating with your friends that way using a device and/or carrier I pay for, you accept that the terms of use include my monitoring your texts.

I agree with this and this is exactly what we tell our DS1 (12 yrs old - 7th grade). Now, with that said, do I read all of his text conversations? No, not really. Just from time to time and just really between certain friends (hockey team group texts are a good example because I don't really know all those kids). He knows that I could read his messages at any time and he's ok with that (well, he has to be if he wants his phone!)

We have a few ground rules: (1) no texting after bedtime (2) no bad language

We did have a discussion recently about continuing an argument over text. He and a friend haven't been getting along great and had a tiff at the end of a school day. They ended up continuing the argument via text and both said things that they regret. I agree with a pp that this is the teaching time - we had a great conversation about social media and texting and how all that stuff is so permanent and you might say things via text that you wouldn't in person. Definitely a learning experience ;)

I don't monitor his contact list and he exchanges numbers with kids at school and at hockey. He just started using snapchat which I'm not happy about, but so far he only has me, his younger brother, his cousin (same age/same school) and one friend. I plan to monitor it closely but he's only using the silly templates they have.

Minnifer
05-31-2016, 06:21 PM
Also not to hijack, but "spot monitoring" doesn't help if they've deleted texts, right? I am thinking ahead but I'd be nervous about mean stuff going on (in either direction) and then being deleted.

Also, I originally thought I'd be able to have real time "live" access to texts but then read that if the kid has their own Apple ID so they can be on your family account, that's not an option...hoping I either got that wrong or that the technology improves...

jren
05-31-2016, 08:30 PM
Also not to hijack, but "spot monitoring" doesn't help if they've deleted texts, right? I am thinking ahead but I'd be nervous about mean stuff going on (in either direction) and then being deleted.

Also, I originally thought I'd be able to have real time "live" access to texts but then read that if the kid has their own Apple ID so they can be on your family account, that's not an option...hoping I either got that wrong or that the technology improves...

At this age, DD isn't devious enough to delete texts. She just doesn't think that way.. Yet. I'm sure it will come, which is why I want to use texting now as a teaching opportunity. While she's still listening versus how she'll be a few years from now. But every kid is different! And different rules would need to apply then.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Meatball Mommie
06-01-2016, 09:47 AM
Also not to hijack, but "spot monitoring" doesn't help if they've deleted texts, right? I am thinking ahead but I'd be nervous about mean stuff going on (in either direction) and then being deleted.

Also, I originally thought I'd be able to have real time "live" access to texts but then read that if the kid has their own Apple ID so they can be on your family account, that's not an option...hoping I either got that wrong or that the technology improves...

Well, we've run into this issue as well. DS deleted his recent argument with his friend before we could read it. There are ways to recover the texts and that's what we told him. Of course, that doesn't help if you don't know your child is deleting stuff. Our son told us what he did, but I imagine in the future, he won't ;) I still need to look into text monitoring closer but haven't had a chance.

lalasmama
06-01-2016, 08:26 PM
At this age, DD isn't devious enough to delete texts. She just doesn't think that way.. Yet. I'm sure it will come, which is why I want to use texting now as a teaching opportunity. While she's still listening versus how she'll be a few years from now. But every kid is different! And different rules would need to apply then.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That's where we're at right now... She's not saavy enough to think to delete, but will lie about who's she's talking with, which has added some challenges.