What do you do if your child won't go to his room when told?

[MSWR0319]

DS will not go to his room when told. He refuses to go and runs all over the house or lays on the floor and becomes dead weight. I refuse to let him win so I carry him upstairs as he kicks and screams because he's mad I'm making him do something. We just found out he's gifted and that is part of his behavior issues, so I will bring this up with the therapist when we start working on coping skills. I the meantime though, I was wondering how others handle it when their child won't go to their room (or refuses to do something else you may ask). Am I wrong in carrying him to his room? BTW, he is 7.

[georgiegirl]

Is there another place he could go to? Some kids don't react well to being isolated like that. My oldest could never handle that.


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[bisous]

DS will not go to his room when told. He refuses to go and runs all over the house or lays on the floor and becomes dead weight. I refuse to let him win so I carry him upstairs as he kicks and screams because he's mad I'm making him do something. We just found out he's gifted and that is part of his behavior issues, so I will bring this up with the therapist when we start working on coping skills. I the meantime though, I was wondering how others handle it when their child won't go to their room (or refuses to do something else you may ask). Am I wrong in carrying him to his room? BTW, he is 7.

Well I do that all the time with my 4yo but its getting less necessary. I suppose I would if I needed to with a 7yo but I'd try to use some other kind of leverage instead. I use screen time, or I will draw out the length of the time out, or other things. Does that make sense? My older kids are not rebellious but I have a 4yo that sounds just like yours!

[BunnyBee]

Is there a reason he needs to go to his room? We generally just ignore or remove ourselves if it's a meltdown situation gone south. Forcing them to go to their room can turn into another power struggle. (I have at least 2 2E kids. So tiring.)

[lmh2402]

i physically carry him to his room if/when he refuses. it is a power struggle I try to avoid, but if it gets to the point where a time out/ physical removal is necessary and he won't go, then he is carried.

[essnce629]

i physically carry him to his room if/when he refuses. it is a power struggle I try to avoid, but if it gets to the point where a time out/ physical removal is necessary and he won't go, then he is carried.

Yes to this as well. My DS2 is also 7. Now that he's older this is MUCH less frequent compared to when he was 3 or 4. Maybe a few times a year.

[JBaxter]

I'm bigger so I win if my 7 yr old would throw a fit like that I'd take him to his room and probably spank is butt. It doesn't happen her often but it does happen. My 7 yr old is gifted also so I don't buy that as and excuse .... Well it doesn't fly as an excuse in my house and all my boys have been very bright and I have never allowed them to get away with that type of behavior. Not everyone parents that way but it works here ( my oldest 2 are college graduates with decent paying jobs working on post grad degrees and my middle school holds a 4.0 in honors classes)

[BunnyBee]

I'm bigger so I win if my 7 yr old would throw a fit like that I'd take him to his room and probably spank is butt. It doesn't happen her often but it does happen. My 7 yr old is gifted also so I don't buy that as and excuse .... Well it doesn't fly as an excuse in my house and all my boys have been very bright and I have never allowed them to get away with that type of behavior. Not everyone parents that way but it works here ( my oldest 2 are college graduates with decent paying jobs working on post grad degrees and my middle school holds a 4.0 in honors classes)

It's not "getting away" with something when the child is having a meltdown. Sometimes pushing their buttons when they're already past their breaking point makes things worse. It's about picking battles and not getting in power struggles where they're not necessary. My DS is also gifted but remarkably easygoing. He's a totally different child to parent.

Spanking absolutely doesn't help matters in this situation. What happens when your child is bigger than you? My oldest is taller than me now at 12. My son will be bigger than my husband before he's out of puberty. I'm not teaching them that the biggest person gets his way by brute physical force.

[kboyle]

That wouldn't fly in my house. All three of my boys know I mean business if they're actually getting in trouble. If they decide to argue/put up a fight/talkback/ignore me/ANYTHING other than what I'm asking them to do a nice smack on the butt generally zips their lips and changes their attitude real quick. My oldest has also been tested as gifted and is the most stubborn in the house, and he knew at that age that if I have to physically drag or carry you anywhere when we get there it's going to be a heck of a lot worse if he would've listened in the first place. But...that's just me.

[Kymberley]

That wouldn't fly in my house. All three of my boys know I mean business if they're actually getting in trouble. If they decide to argue/put up a fight/talkback/ignore me/ANYTHING other than what I'm asking them to do a nice smack on the butt generally zips their lips and changes their attitude real quick. My oldest has also been tested as gifted and is the most stubborn in the house, and he knew at that age that if I have to physically drag or carry you anywhere when we get there it's going to be a heck of a lot worse if he would've listened in the first place. But...that's just me.

I'm the same way.

[Kymberley]

Double post for no reason. Sorry

[bisous]

It is hard to articulate but my biggest take away from having 4 kids is that there is never a single right way to do things in all circumstances. Every interaction and every child is different. Some kids in the circumstance OP describes might not be capable of controlling the meltdown and others absolutely can but they are putting on a show, or they might not even know or have practice controlling their emotions. As a mom, it is the hard job to try to determine the capability of the child and act accordingly. I personally believe in holding my child to the highest standard that they are capable of achieving. My very bright (yet not tested so who knows) and very sensitive DS3 was NOT capable of controlling his outbursts at age 2. He just was not. He's now 4 and the control is coming. It is still a mighty struggle but consequences and accountability are helping and it is really nice to see.

[JBaxter]

It's not "getting away" with something when the child is having a meltdown. Sometimes pushing their buttons when they're already past their breaking point makes things worse. It's about picking battles and not getting in power struggles where they're not necessary. My DS is also gifted but remarkably easygoing. He's a totally different child to parent.

Spanking absolutely doesn't help matters in this situation. What happens when your child is bigger than you? My oldest is taller than me now at 12. My son will be bigger than my husband before he's out of puberty. I'm not teaching them that the biggest person gets his way by brute physical force. I guess you missed the part where I said Not every one parents that way? It does & did work LOL my oldest was 6ft1 and 225 and a lineman so he was bigger than me for a very long time The point in parenting and dealing with fits is to do so at a young age. I do get my way because I'm the parent if talking , reasoning time outs don't work then the spanking if very much on the table at my house. It works in my home and I rarely have the giant fits the OP described. I won't judge you for not spanking and you shouldn't judge me for my choice in doing so on a as needed basis.

[trcy]

i physically carry him to his room if/when he refuses. it is a power struggle I try to avoid, but if it gets to the point where a time out/ physical removal is necessary and he won't go, then he is carried.

I do the same with DD. She now knows that she is going to her room one way or another, so I don't have to carry her as often.



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[mackmama]

I would do away with the power struggle and not make him go anywhere as part of a punishment. Instead I'd do 1-2-3 and something he likes will be taken away for a period of time if you get to 3.

[carolinacool]

I do the same with DD. She now knows that she is going to her room one way or another, so I don't have to carry her as often.



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Same here.

[ray7694]

My DD would cry and not stop. We would tell her if you are going to cry for no reason go to your room. I would carry her if necessary. It was after all
other methods failed. Every kid is different and finding what works and then follow through is the most important thing. If I say I'm taking away screen time I do and they know it. As they got older it has been easier because they understand. I would think a 7 yo I gets it but it may be for attention so if that is the case I wouldn't feed it.

[abh5e8]

Is this a new behavior? What worked in the past for him?

[boogiemom]

I'm bigger so I win if my 7 yr old would throw a fit like that I'd take him to his room and probably spank is butt. It doesn't happen her often but it does happen. My 7 yr old is gifted also so I don't buy that as and excuse .... Well it doesn't fly as an excuse in my house and all my boys have been very bright and I have never allowed them to get away with that type of behavior. Not everyone parents that way but it works here ( my oldest 2 are college graduates with decent paying jobs working on post grad degrees and my middle school holds a 4.0 in honors classes)

I parented similarly when my boys were young. I too am quite happy with the young men they have become and we do not have power struggles. They know I mean business.


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[Melaine]

It is hard to articulate but my biggest take away from having 4 kids is that there is never a single right way to do things in all circumstances. Every interaction and every child is different. Some kids in the circumstance OP describes might not be capable of controlling the meltdown and others absolutely can but they are putting on a show, or they might not even know or have practice controlling their emotions. As a mom, it is the hard job to try to determine the capability of the child and act accordingly. I personally believe in holding my child to the highest standard that they are capable of achieving. My very bright (yet not tested so who knows) and very sensitive DS3 was NOT capable of controlling his outbursts at age 2. He just was not. He's now 4 and the control is coming. It is still a mighty struggle but consequences and accountability are helping and it is really nice to see.

I think this is such great advice, especially about holding your child to the highest standard they are capable of achieving!

I struggle with this with DS. He is super social but also really has trouble still with impulse control. Sometimes he has to go to his room to be alone and calm down and sometimes he refuses.

[firstbaby]

My middle DS used to have major tantrums / meltdowns and he would be sent to his room when needed. He would often not listen / push back and his weight became hard to physically handle for me, so I flipped it and told him if I made it to his room before he did, there would be another consequence. And then I would purposefully walk to his room and he got it pretty quickly. He was at about the same age as OP's son when we started doing this.

[MSWR0319]

Thank you for all of your input. I mostly just wanted to make sure I wasn't out of place by carrying him to his room. My mom was here during one of his tantrums yesterday and ran out of the house and muttered something about me abusing him because I carried him to his room when he wasn't listening. I felt she was totally out of place, as I wasn't hurting him at all, but it really bothered me so I wanted some input. For those who though spanking was the answer, it's not. I am opposed to spanking for the most part, but did try it a few times. It didn't work. All it did was add to his rage and cause him to think it's ok to hit everyone else, which is just what I suspected would happen. I will try a few of your suggestions (letting him pick where he goes, racing him to that spot, etc). Unfortunately it's not as simple as it seems. These are not your "normal" tantrums. You can tell he is literally not in control. The psychologist who did the testing flat out told us, they are a result of being gifted. She explained that he has a high school intelligence level and a 7 year old emotional level, causing him to not know how to process his emotions. I'm really hopeful that the coping strategies will work. We just have to be patient and get to that point. Thanks again!!

[trcy]

Thank you for all of your input. I mostly just wanted to make sure I wasn't out of place by carrying him to his room. My mom was here during one of his tantrums yesterday and ran out of the house and muttered something about me abusing him because I carried him to his room when he wasn't listening. I felt she was totally out of place, as I wasn't hurting him at all, but it really bothered me so I wanted some input. For those who though spanking was the answer, it's not. I am opposed to spanking for the most part, but did try it a few times. It didn't work. All it did was add to his rage and cause him to think it's ok to hit everyone else, which is just what I suspected would happen. I will try a few of your suggestions (letting him pick where he goes, racing him to that spot, etc). Unfortunately it's not as simple as it seems. These are not your "normal" tantrums. You can tell he is literally not in control. The psychologist who did the testing flat out told us, they are a result of being gifted. She explained that he has a high school intelligence level and a 7 year old emotional level, causing him to not know how to process his emotions. I'm really hopeful that the coping strategies will work. We just have to be patient and get to that point. Thanks again!!
Your mom is totally wrong. Carrying him to his room is in no way abusive!
DD has similar out of control tantrums, she is not herself. Like you, I tried spankings a few times and had similar results. I will not try it again, it made everything worse.
Not to hijack, but DD has ADHD, she is also very bright. How did you know your DS was gifted? Just not sure if that is something I should have on my radar.



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[JustMe]

Your mom is totally wrong. Carrying him to his room is in no way abusive!
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:yeahthat:

I could see how it may or may not be the right thing to do---totally depends upon the child...but definitely not abusive! FWIW, based on what you describe it does seem like your ds does need to know that you are in control in a kind, firm way, as he is not during these times.

One thing you might want to do is practice how you will help him calm down (whether its going to his room, staying with him where he is, taking deep breaths, etc) when he is calm..not tantrumming or upset. Practice what he/you will do when he is escalated, remind him you are there to help him.

[MSWR0319]

Your mom is totally wrong. Carrying him to his room is in no way abusive!
DD has similar out of control tantrums, she is not herself. Like you, I tried spankings a few times and had similar results. I will not try it again, it made everything worse.
Not to hijack, but DD has ADHD, she is also very bright. How did you know your DS was gifted? Just not sure if that is something I should have on my radar.



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I have always known DS was bright. A few of his teachers this year told me they thought he may be gifted but I didn't think much about it. It didn't really matter to me anyway. We had talked to the pediatrician last year about his behavior and he suggested we get some testing done from a psychologist to see if there was ADHD, spectrum issues, etc. His behavior got better at that point so we never did it. This summer it escalated again after summer sports were over ( last summer it also escalated after swim and ball were done), so I called the local psychologist who contracts with the school to see who she recommended I take him to. She talked to his teachers and then suggested I let her test him, as the school was willing to do it. So they did some IQ testing and various subtests, as well as behavioral checklists with parents, teachers, etc. That is when I found out he's gifted and not at all ADHD like I had suspected. He does have some pretty strong sensory issues, which I'm told are also very common in gifted children and are more than likely contributing to the meltdowns.

[Melaine]

Thank you for all of your input. I mostly just wanted to make sure I wasn't out of place by carrying him to his room. My mom was here during one of his tantrums yesterday and ran out of the house and muttered something about me abusing him because I carried him to his room when he wasn't listening. I felt she was totally out of place, as I wasn't hurting him at all, but it really bothered me so I wanted some input. For those who though spanking was the answer, it's not. I am opposed to spanking for the most part, but did try it a few times. It didn't work. All it did was add to his rage and cause him to think it's ok to hit everyone else, which is just what I suspected would happen. I will try a few of your suggestions (letting him pick where he goes, racing him to that spot, etc). Unfortunately it's not as simple as it seems. These are not your "normal" tantrums. You can tell he is literally not in control. The psychologist who did the testing flat out told us, they are a result of being gifted. She explained that he has a high school intelligence level and a 7 year old emotional level, causing him to not know how to process his emotions. I'm really hopeful that the coping strategies will work. We just have to be patient and get to that point. Thanks again!!

That's ridiculous! Is it "abuse" to pick up an 18 month old who is flailing and pitching a fit to keep them safe from hurting themselves? With all the true abuse that happens in this world and the kids that are just flat out ignored and neglected it's insane to suggest that requiring your child to obey by picking them up is abusive. I would have a hard time communicating with a grandparent who said something like that to me!

[123LuckyMom]

Have you tried hugging him and trying to help him physiologically calm down instead of taking him to and leaving him in his room? I don't think that abusive, by the way, nowhere near!!! I also have an intellectually advanced 7 year old who has trouble with emotional regulation. Isolating him often doesn't work well. He really has trouble calming himself down sometimes, and he needs help. It's hard, because I'm usually really angry at him when he launches a tantrum, and the last thing I feel like doing is comforting him, especially when I feel like he deserves to be chastised, but it works; it helps him; and then he's calm enough that I can talk to him about why his behavior was a problem so he can learn something. If I just send him off to his room, he stews in resentment for a long time and blames me for being mean rather than learning anything about himself.

The thing about a super smart kid is that they can reason, but nobody can think in a state of emotional arousal, so the emotional arousal needs to be addressed first. Next time, I'd try hugging him. He won't want to hug, of course, but try to keep him there, and say soothing things or sing a calming song he knows, breathe slowly, and wait until his body has calmed. Then you can talk to him. This works for the hyper sillies, too. That behavior is the flip side of crying. Another thing that can help calm is having him sing a song or recite something. It switches the brain to thinking mode. That's why I usually sing or say something he knows while holding him. Try it. You'll be surprised at how well it works.


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[georgiegirl]

Have you tried hugging him and trying to help him physiologically calm down instead of taking him to and leaving him in his room? I don't think that abusive, by the way, nowhere near!!! I also have an intellectually advanced 7 year old who has trouble with emotional regulation. Isolating him often doesn't work well. He really has trouble calming himself down sometimes, and he needs help. It's hard, because I'm usually really angry at him when he launches a tantrum, and the last thing I feel like doing is comforting him, especially when I feel like he deserves to be chastised, but it works; it helps him; and then he's calm enough that I can talk to him about why his behavior was a problem so he can learn something. If I just send him off to his room, he stews in resentment for a long time and blames me for being mean rather than learning anything about himself.

The thing about a super smart kid is that they can reason, but nobody can think in a state of emotional arousal, so the emotional arousal needs to be addressed first. Next time, I'd try hugging him. He won't want to hug, of course, but try to keep him there, and say soothing things or sing a calming song he knows, breathe slowly, and wait until his body has calmed. Then you can talk to him. This works for the hyper sillies, too. That behavior is the flip side of crying. Another thing that can help calm is having him sing a song or recite something. It switches the brain to thinking mode. That's why I usually sing or say something he knows while holding him. Try it. You'll be surprised at how well it works.


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This is excellent advice. It's what I try to do with my bright 7 year old DS who has issues with emotional regulation (and probably ADHD). He simply doesn't have the ability to control his emotions and helping him work through it makes him feel more confident and more connected to me (rather than brewing resentment and feelings of self loathing.)


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[wellyes]

I've had problems of outright defiance with my (moderate special needs) DD who is 8. What has helped is asking her at a later, calm time what would be the most effective way to deal with meltdowns and tantrums. When she is freaking out, does she want to be left alone, does she want to be "helped" to do what she's supposed to, or what? Not that she is in charge of her own discipline, but she knows more than I do what is going on in her head and it is useful for me to know.

I don't use "go to your room" for defiance. I take away things she values. So late night I said get in the shower- a few times, politely. She ignored me / was rude. So I said do it in the next 10 seconds or or you don't get to go to _____ tomorrow (or not TV tomorrow, or whatever) . I reaaaaaally wish we were past having to do that but we aren't.

[MSWR0319]

Have you tried hugging him and trying to help him physiologically calm down instead of taking him to and leaving him in his room? I don't think that abusive, by the way, nowhere near!!! I also have an intellectually advanced 7 year old who has trouble with emotional regulation. Isolating him often doesn't work well. He really has trouble calming himself down sometimes, and he needs help. It's hard, because I'm usually really angry at him when he launches a tantrum, and the last thing I feel like doing is comforting him, especially when I feel like he deserves to be chastised, but it works; it helps him; and then he's calm enough that I can talk to him about why his behavior was a problem so he can learn something. If I just send him off to his room, he stews in resentment for a long time and blames me for being mean rather than learning anything about himself.

The thing about a super smart kid is that they can reason, but nobody can think in a state of emotional arousal, so the emotional arousal needs to be addressed first. Next time, I'd try hugging him. He won't want to hug, of course, but try to keep him there, and say soothing things or sing a calming song he knows, breathe slowly, and wait until his body has calmed. Then you can talk to him. This works for the hyper sillies, too. That behavior is the flip side of crying. Another thing that can help calm is having him sing a song or recite something. It switches the brain to thinking mode. That's why I usually sing or say something he knows while holding him. Try it. You'll be surprised at how well it works.


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I love the singing idea! I'll try that next time. I have been going with him to his room the last few times to hug him or wrap him in his weighted blanket. Once I get him calm I am able to get his brush out and that helps too. But he gets so fixated on what happened that I really thinking the singing will help distract him. Thank you!!


I've had problems of outright defiance with my (moderate special needs) DD who is 8. What has helped is asking her at a later, calm time what would be the most effective way to deal with meltdowns and tantrums. When she is freaking out, does she want to be left alone, does she want to be "helped" to do what she's supposed to, or what? Not that she is in charge of her own discipline, but she knows more than I do what is going on in her head and it is useful for me to know.

I don't use "go to your room" for defiance. I take away things she values. So late night I said get in the shower- a few times, politely. She ignored me / was rude. So I said do it in the next 10 seconds or or you don't get to go to _____ tomorrow (or not TV tomorrow, or whatever) . I reaaaaaally wish we were past having to do that but we aren't.

Thank you! I will also try asking him what would help. His having some nighttime anxiety with his room right now, and so maybe going to his room isn't the best thing. I wish I could figure out what he values. I have tried taking just about everything away and nothing seems to phase him. The psychologist told me that it's really hard with kids who don't seem to have a "currency" to effectively discipline them by taking things away. Once I figure out his currency we may get somewhere, but I can't figure it out to save my life.

[Melaine]

I love the singing idea! I'll try that next time. I have been going with him to his room the last few times to hug him or wrap him in his weighted blanket. Once I get him calm I am able to get his brush out and that helps too. But he gets so fixated on what happened that I really thinking the singing will help distract him. Thank you!!



Thank you! I will also try asking him what would help. His having some nighttime anxiety with his room right now, and so maybe going to his room isn't the best thing. I wish I could figure out what he values. I have tried taking just about everything away and nothing seems to phase him. The psychologist told me that it's really hard with kids who don't seem to have a "currency" to effectively discipline them by taking things away. Once I figure out his currency we may get somewhere, but I can't figure it out to save my life.

I have a lot of trouble because the only thing DS really seems to value is Ipad time. Every day, early in the day, he disobeys or does something totally unacceptable and I'm faced with the choice of taking ipad away. After I take it away, what do I do for the rest of the day? Behavior just seems to disintegrate further. We have taken away dessert (for completely unacceptable table manners), taken away outings, taken away toys, sent him to his room, etc. Even in the moment, if we say, "DS if you eat with your hands again you cannot have dessert". And he will gravely say, "I understand". We know he wants dessert! 2 or 3 minutes later he will dip his hand into his soup again! It's like compulsive.

[georgiegirl]

I have a lot of trouble because the only thing DS really seems to value is Ipad time. Every day, early in the day, he disobeys or does something totally unacceptable and I'm faced with the choice of taking ipad away. After I take it away, what do I do for the rest of the day? Behavior just seems to disintegrate further. We have taken away dessert (for completely unacceptable table manners), taken away outings, taken away toys, sent him to his room, etc. Even in the moment, if we say, "DS if you eat with your hands again you cannot have dessert". And he will gravely say, "I understand". We know he wants dessert! 2 or 3 minutes later he will dip his hand into his soup again! It's like compulsive.

My son is like this. It's like nothing I do or say changes future behavior. He just can't control himself.

[annex]

Since my DS is autistic, we've seen many behavior consultants. All of them have recommended not using any type of system where he is punished either with time-outs or taking away privileges for loss of control, meltdowns, outbursts, etc. - our priority is to teach him what he should do instead, and reward him when he uses it. It is so much more effective for him - not sure if it works as well on typical kids. So if his current currency is ipad time - he is giving many "opportunities to earn" the time. If he has a meltdown he doesn't lose time. We set up lots of easy opportunities so he gets the hang of the system, then you can use it to target things that are hard. e.g. if getting out of bed and dressed is hard, you can set a timer where they have to finish by the end to get their 10 minutes of iPad. If they don't do this, they have lost the opportunity to earn 10 minutes of time. For whatever reason, this doesn't make him flip out as much as when we used to take away iPad time. You can also make it into a token-reward system e.g. they earn a token for each desired behavior (asking for help instead of screaming, saying "I don't like that" instead of hitting a sibling etc.) that they can exchange x number of tokens for whatever their current favorite thing is. It also means we're never backing him into a corner where he can't recover from a meltdown - e.g. taking the iPad away for a whole day as a punishment. We just make it clear that he didn't make a good choice, so isn't earning iPad time at that moment, but if he starts making better choices later he can earn iPad. Once a particular target behavior has been changed we can usually fade the reward too - he will start to remember to ask for the token for it less and less, and we won't offer it unless we see he's regressing to do the behavior again. May not work for every kid, but it has been life-changing for us to realize that heaping on punishments was only making everyone miserable and not helping a child who didn't have the tools/neurology to behave better the majority of the time.

[georgiegirl]

Annex, I really appreciate your response. I think I will have to try something like that with my son.


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[MSWR0319]

My son is like this. It's like nothing I do or say changes future behavior. He just can't control himself.
You've hit the nail on the head. My son literally can't control it. He's always very remorseful after he's done something he knows he shouldn't. In fact, he's too hard on himself and says he's bad, etc which are things I make sure not to say to him when he's upset because I don't want to reinforce that thought.


Since my DS is autistic, we've seen many behavior consultants. All of them have recommended not using any type of system where he is punished either with time-outs or taking away privileges for loss of control, meltdowns, outbursts, etc. - our priority is to teach him what he should do instead, and reward him when he uses it. It is so much more effective for him - not sure if it works as well on typical kids. So if his current currency is ipad time - he is giving many "opportunities to earn" the time. If he has a meltdown he doesn't lose time. We set up lots of easy opportunities so he gets the hang of the system, then you can use it to target things that are hard. e.g. if getting out of bed and dressed is hard, you can set a timer where they have to finish by the end to get their 10 minutes of iPad. If they don't do this, they have lost the opportunity to earn 10 minutes of time. For whatever reason, this doesn't make him flip out as much as when we used to take away iPad time. You can also make it into a token-reward system e.g. they earn a token for each desired behavior (asking for help instead of screaming, saying "I don't like that" instead of hitting a sibling etc.) that they can exchange x number of tokens for whatever their current favorite thing is. It also means we're never backing him into a corner where he can't recover from a meltdown - e.g. taking the iPad away for a whole day as a punishment. We just make it clear that he didn't make a good choice, so isn't earning iPad time at that moment, but if he starts making better choices later he can earn iPad. Once a particular target behavior has been changed we can usually fade the reward too - he will start to remember to ask for the token for it less and less, and we won't offer it unless we see he's regressing to do the behavior again. May not work for every kid, but it has been life-changing for us to realize that heaping on punishments was only making everyone miserable and not helping a child who didn't have the tools/neurology to behave better the majority of the time.

This is a fantastic idea. I feel like maybe I tried this a year or two ago, and he'd throw a fit when he wouldn't earn a reward but I think I am going to try it again. Maybe he was too young then for it to work. Thanks!

[123LuckyMom]

Since my DS is autistic, we've seen many behavior consultants. All of them have recommended not using any type of system where he is punished either with time-outs or taking away privileges for loss of control, meltdowns, outbursts, etc. - our priority is to teach him what he should do instead, and reward him when he uses it. It is so much more effective for him - not sure if it works as well on typical kids. So if his current currency is ipad time - he is giving many "opportunities to earn" the time. If he has a meltdown he doesn't lose time. We set up lots of easy opportunities so he gets the hang of the system, then you can use it to target things that are hard. e.g. if getting out of bed and dressed is hard, you can set a timer where they have to finish by the end to get their 10 minutes of iPad. If they don't do this, they have lost the opportunity to earn 10 minutes of time. For whatever reason, this doesn't make him flip out as much as when we used to take away iPad time. You can also make it into a token-reward system e.g. they earn a token for each desired behavior (asking for help instead of screaming, saying "I don't like that" instead of hitting a sibling etc.) that they can exchange x number of tokens for whatever their current favorite thing is. It also means we're never backing him into a corner where he can't recover from a meltdown - e.g. taking the iPad away for a whole day as a punishment. We just make it clear that he didn't make a good choice, so isn't earning iPad time at that moment, but if he starts making better choices later he can earn iPad. Once a particular target behavior has been changed we can usually fade the reward too - he will start to remember to ask for the token for it less and less, and we won't offer it unless we see he's regressing to do the behavior again. May not work for every kid, but it has been life-changing for us to realize that heaping on punishments was only making everyone miserable and not helping a child who didn't have the tools/neurology to behave better the majority of the time.

I was just thinking the other day that I need to start doing this. We already have a reward system similar to your token system in place, but as DS's behavior has gotten more consistently better, we've become really lax about it. I'm not sure I want to reinstate it (though it is really helpful and definitely works), but I was thinking about switching the electronics thing to an earning model for good behavior. We have lots of arguments over the idevices despite the fact that I've got them on scheduled timers so they can't overuse them, and their use is not supposed to be open to negotiation. Our system isn't working as well as I'd hoped, though, and I was thinking about trying to switch the dynamic from limits to rewards. It is ALWAYS a great idea to try to motivate kids by catching them doing something RIGHT. I definitely find with my guy that he responds very well to praise and feeling like he accomplished or earned something. He likes to feel like he's doing a good job.


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