Need Advice - Marriage

[Soccermomm]

So, I need some advice. It seems like my marriage is not doing so well. We've had a rough 2016, here is the cliff note version.

DH accepts new job in a different state
DH totals car
DH starts new job, rents apartment and rental car
Dh moves to another apartment due to health issues with first one
Me and DS finish up school year, pack up house, and move to new state.
Day after we arrive we are now moving to apartment #3
Majority of our belongings go into storage
My car finally arrives (had to be shipped) and we get rid of rental car (meaning we now have one car)
We are house hunting this whole entire time.....
Its a long and HOT summer
DS does not want to do anything but elec things
My Mom is in and out of the hospital 5 times in the course of 2 months and spends a month in rehab before she comes home (side note she is home and doing better, but still not as good as she was before her health issues began)

Theres other stuff going on through out all of this too. My Dh has been having major knee pains, but wont go to doctor. A scare with lyme disease. My brothers house going into foreclosure, major issues with Dh parents and DH sister (which is a whole other long rant in itself)

So in a nut shell, I.am.stressed. And it seems I am stressed all.the.time. Everything upsets me and I am wired to take most things very personally. Dh and I are not getting along. We will soon be celebrating another anniversary (getting close to a big number) and well I am just not sure how to fix what is wrong with us. I am 47. Am I having a mid-life crises? Is he? Are we both? Is this pre-menopausal crap also?

I guess I'll vent now. I hate having one car. We only have one car because the car he thinks he wants is due to come out something in mid-august or so. I feel like a chauffeur. I have to take/pick up from work, run errands, and figure out where I am driving in this new city. I hate this apartment. I hate needing stuff in storage and not even being able to access it (due to the storage unit is full from floor to ceiling and front to back.) I am exhausted. We have not been on vacation, and I guess we wont be going on one anytime soon. No idea what we are doing about finding a house and are looking into building one. I really don't want to build. I think it will be a very difficult process.

So Dh asked me today why I am never happy. Funny thing about that question is that I was happy today. I left earlier in the week to be with my mom (so my sister could go on vacation and someone would be with her) and just came back today. I had a good time with my mom. I love being with her and I worked my but off the whole time helping her get things done that needed to get done. She didn't want to do them and in some cases doesn't have the strength to do them. So it was great to be out of the tiny apartment and spend quality time with my mom. I call Dh on the car ride home and he doesn't want to talk, he wanted to watch a movie. I arrive home and he is still watching movie and wants to finish it. So my feelings are hurt. I really wanted to tell him all about my week and just talk, but it seems the movie was more important than me. He just had 5 days to himself. Yes, he had to go to work, but he didn't have to take care of anyone or do anything he didn't want to do. So, big argument explodes over all of this. My point is that I was happy, but I feel like he is part of the reason I am not.

So if you have read this far, got any advice? Any great books to read on how to save your marriage? I just don't know what to do anymore.

[TwinFoxes]

That is a lot, a LOT of stress. It's not surprising your marriage is feeling it.

Sometimes, letting go is hard, but necessary. Watching a movie you're into and wanting to see the end doesn't mean you don't think your spouse isn't important. I can see why it's hurtful. I'm not blaming you AT ALL, but think if you'd sat on the couch next to him and waited for the movie to end. And I'm sure there are examples where he could be more giving to you. (Like he could have paused the movie and given you a big hug and said, hey, do you mind if I finish this real quick?) I guess I'm saying you should both try to be more...considerate? I am having trouble coming up with the perfect word. It's a really, really stressful time for you.

Is therapy an option? Although I imagine it's hard to think about when you've just moved to a new state.

[wellyes]

If he can afford a brand-spanking-new model car, he can afford to rent a car for another month. That would be step 1 for me.

I would say, here are the steps I need to get to a better place:
Stop driving you
Dedicated focus on getting a new place to live
Get to NORMAL as fast as possible
With the stress of the move, your mom and family stuff........... it is entirely right to say, my priorities are important to help this family work.

And maybe have a date night, or a dedicated family dinner (even if it's a couple days a week) where you decide to talk about stuff that isn't the car, the move, your mom, the brother / il-law issues. Talk politics, TV, movies, stories from your day. Try to reconnect.

[gatorsmom]

Oh my dear what a rough year you have had!!! Ok, a few things jump out at me. Part of the reason you are unhappy, tell your DH, is because you need your own car NOW. NOT when his fantastic one comes out. Right now. Way too much other stress in your lives to add a frivolous one. You should each have a working car.

Second- find a house to buy. DO NOT BUILD. It would again be adding stress to your already over stressed lives. Would your marriage even survive that???

Thirdly- and this one is probably most important- you need to set up regular date nights with ONLY YOUR SPOUSE. No kids. Which probably means you need a babysitter. You don't need to do anything fancy- go for dinner or coffee, go see a movie you are both excited about, go swing in a park, anything. When Dh and I first started getting babysitters, I was a worry wart and would have fed the kids and put them to bed before the sitter came. All she had to do was watch tv and call me if there were any problems. For that you could ask for a responsible middle schooler in the neighborhood who might be interested. It will make a big difference to your marriage. It's a bit of time to escape all the stress and relate like you used to before kids and stress. It might be rocky the first couple of times. Instead of feeling better, you might argue more given the opportunity to be alone. If so, just go to a movie and don't talk. Or agree that the stress is talking. But keep going out because it really does work.

Beat of luck to you!

[Kindra178]

Many one car families around here Uber regularly, i.e. the working spouse uses Uber to get to and from the train, to meet friends, etc. It's much cheaper than renting a car for a month.

[Corie]

So Dh asked me today why I am never happy. Funny thing about that question is that I was happy today. I left earlier in the week to be with my mom (so my sister could go on vacation and someone would be with her) and just came back today. I had a good time with my mom. I love being with her and I worked my but off the whole time helping her get things done that needed to get done. She didn't want to do them and in some cases doesn't have the strength to do them. So it was great to be out of the tiny apartment and spend quality time with my mom. I call Dh on the car ride home and he doesn't want to talk, he wanted to watch a movie. I arrive home and he is still watching movie and wants to finish it. So my feelings are hurt. I really wanted to tell him all about my week and just talk, but it seems the movie was more important than me. He just had 5 days to himself. Yes, he had to go to work, but he didn't have to take care of anyone or do anything he didn't want to do. So, big argument explodes over all of this. My point is that I was happy, but I feel like he is part of the reason I am not.




I find this to be incredibly rude and selfish. I think you have every right to be angry about it.

[catsnkid]

I went through a year like that a couple years ago. Seeing a counselor would help, also possibly a medication. I totally agree on renting a car and NOT building s house. Couples therapy might also be a good idea. SO and I just went through a few months sharing a car, and it was VERY stressful.

[Soccermomm]

Thank you to those of you who have commented. It was really hard for me to write that all down and share it. I was so afraid that no one would respond. I am really not sure what to do, but I do think I need to talk to a professional. How does one go about finding a good one? New city, new state. I really dont know a single person here.

Found out that my DH called my mom last night to ask her what happened while I was there. She was shocked that he called and asked her all these questions about me and my behavior. Sooooooooo, I had to have awkward conversation with mom this morning. I really tried not to share anything, didnt think she should even be a part of all this. She left saying that I should talk to someone. They would be able to give me different tools, ideas, etc.

Im just sitting here crying as I type, because a part of me feels he wants out, but he wont ask. I feel like he is being that mean boyfriend who acts like a jerk so you are forced to break up with him. I am just so sad.

[BananaMama]

I just wanted to send you big hugs. Sounds like it's been a very stressful year and I think a lot of people would be feeling the same way. I would echo the other posters suggesting your DH get a rental car to at least take some of the driving off your plate.

[elbenn]

First off, I agree with others that you need to get him his own car, or Uber driver, or whatever. Also you need to focus on finding a house. Know that things are REALLY stressful for you right now and you won't always feel this way. Your DH is in a new area and in a new job and has moved a bunch of times and maybe he handles his stress by just chilling out watching movies. It's not helpful to you, but that might be why he does that. You are both super stressed. Hang in there until you are both under less stress. Get marriage counseling. Are you involved in a church? If so, you might reach out to them for counselor recommendations.

I agree with Twinfoxes that it might be best to let some things go. You just need to get through this stressful time. Also, maybe I'm reading your post wrong, but it seems like your DH called your mom because he's concerned about you. If that's the case, it doesn't seem like he wants out. That might mean that marriage counseling is something he would agree to.

Are you in a hot region of the US? If so, extended hot weather can make people grumpy. Hang in there for some cooler weather!

[elbenn]

Double post

[PunkyBoo]

Thank you to those of you who have commented. It was really hard for me to write that all down and share it. I was so afraid that no one would respond. I am really not sure what to do, but I do think I need to talk to a professional. How does one go about finding a good one? New city, new state. I really dont know a single person here.

Found out that my DH called my mom last night to ask her what happened while I was there. She was shocked that he called and asked her all these questions about me and my behavior. Sooooooooo, I had to have awkward conversation with mom this morning. I really tried not to share anything, didnt think she should even be a part of all this. She left saying that I should talk to someone. They would be able to give me different tools, ideas, etc.

Im just sitting here crying as I type, because a part of me feels he wants out, but he wont ask. I feel like he is being that mean boyfriend who acts like a jerk so you are forced to break up with him. I am just so sad.
Can you find out if his job offers an EAP? That would provide resources for therapists.

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[echoesofspring]

Hugs! This sounds like a really stressful situation. We went through a bit of real estate drama recently where our offer was rejected and we couldn't agree on the next step. There were a couple days where I thought he wanted out. It turned out the whole process had unleashed some pretty deep emotions, completely unrelated from our marriage, and DH was having a lot of trouble processing. Once we were able to lay it on the table things got a lot better. You've done a great job outlining a lot of the stressors on you, and maybe DH has a similar list that is affecting him, but he isn't able to communicate.

Since your situation sounds very up in the air, could you sit down and list together what needs to happen so that you both are comfortable where you are for the time being? Like if we stay in this apartment through the end of year, what does the car situation need to be, what do I need to be able to get to easily in the storage unit, what do we need to do here to make it feel like a home for the time being? Looking for a new house in a new state is full of uncertainty, maybe if you can create some stability within your current situation it will seem more approachable.

[minnie-zb]

You are depressed. He's not looking to get rid of you or he would not have called your mom concerned about your well being.

Find someone to talk to -- you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now and not worry about the other "stuff" -- it will all work out. If there are small things your husband can do to help you right now, you should let him know. One of the PP suggested Uber -- that's a great idea and something he could do today to help you.

[div_0305]

You are depressed. He's not looking to get rid of you or he would not have called your mom concerned about your well being.

Find someone to talk to -- you need to focus on taking care of yourself right now and not worry about the other "stuff" -- it will all work out. If there are small things your husband can do to help you right now, you should let him know. One of the PP suggested Uber -- that's a great idea and something he could do today to help you.
:yeahthat: This is what I read from your posts, as well. Your husband sounds very interested in helping you get better, and is probably having a hard time broaching the issue of depression with you so he called your mom. I think that's very kind and considerate. Please do get some help soon before the depression affects your life anymore. :hug5:

[Pear]

It's completely understandable that you are both stressed. I actually think your DH carving out some downtime for himself is a good thing, but it is unfortunate that it conflicted with your needs.

I would do a few things
1. Remember that it is ok to have spells of time where your marriage is primarily a logistic and economic partnership.
2. If you are having trouble communicating during this time, counseling is a good idea.
3. I would insist that the chauffeur service stops immediately. That is a major stress that can be taken off of you within 48 hours if he buys his second choice car.

[BunnyBee]

Calling your mom could be out of concern or it could be a boundary red flag. If he wasn't concerned enough about how you were doing to pause his movie and chat, I have a hard time seeing him making the effort to call out of concern.

You can create a drop dead date for being his chauffeur. He can Uber or rent a car (Costco weekly rates) or whatever. His problem. I would not buy a house right now. You've had a ton of major life stressors, and real estate adds another one. Definitely don't build right now. Rent a house if you absolutely can't stand the apartment, but that means more stress in moving. Making big decisions under stress rarely goes well. The big issue to work on is your marriage and personal mental health. Put your energy toward that. Good luck. :hug:

[catsnkid]

How does one go about finding a good one? New city, new state. I really dont know a single person here.





As far as finding a professional, I would check your insurance's website to see what doctors take you insurance, and then look them up on doctor rating websites, I think it is called healthgrades. You can also switch counselors/doctors if you don't feel like it is a good match. It sounds like your DH is concerned about you.

[mackmama]

I have a few thoughts...

1) You have been through a LOT this year. I'm not sure if you are clinically depressed, but it sounds like you are maxed out emotionally which is understandable. Getting support for yourself sounds like a good idea. Browse on Psychology Today for a therapist. Find 2 or 3 profiles that connect with you, have a phone conversation with each of them, and then make an appointment with whoever you feel like you click with the best. I'd do the same for a couples counselor. https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?gclid=CLrA3eKIxM4CFUVhfgodZOIDww

2) Put real estate stuff on hold. Rebuild yourself first.

3) When you are ready to proceed with finding a house, I suggest buying a house. Do not build. Building will add so much stress to your plate.

4) Think about the boundaries that feel right to you re your DH calling your mom. If it feels caring and loving to you, fine. If it feels like a boundary was crossed, set the appropriate boundary with him ("Please do not call my mom again about me or our relationship. Speak with me directly about it.")

5) Take time for yourself each and every day to get out into nature. A 10 minute walk, an hour's jog, laying down in the backyard looking at the sky, sitting on a bench people watching. Something. Breathe in the air. In and out, in and out. Let thoughts and worries go. Remember yourself. Tell yourself you will be okay. Be gentle with yourself.

[MSWR0319]

It also sounds to me like maybe he's used to living on his on (not shutting the movie off), since he had moved while you and DS were still back at the old location. Perhaps you could sit down and re-establish what you expect of him and how you need him to listen to you. You've had a ton of major life stressors, so please take care of yourself. I hope you find a could therapist and start feeling better soon.

[niccig]

It also sounds to me like maybe he's used to living on his on (not shutting the movie off), since he had moved while you and DS were still back at the old location. Perhaps you could sit down and re-establish what you expect of him and how you need him to listen to you. You've had a ton of major life stressors, so please take care of yourself. I hope you find a could therapist and start feeling better soon.

Good point, maybe he hasn't gotten used to you and DS being home. Not the same, but DH has difficulty dealing when DS and I go to my parents overseas for a few weeks. He misses us terribly, and can't wait for us to be home. But the homecoming is never what he imagines ie. his family all home and enjoying time with each other. This last trip, DS and I were out of it with jet lag, I was sick with a bad cold and we left pretty much straight away for the ILs. DH was snappy at me over everything, DS was being more obnoxious than ever and I was knocked on on cold medicine. We all needed to cut each other slack. DH admitted he had missed us, and was still missing us as we weren't back to our normal life yet.

I agree with taking as much stress off you as you can, make life easier and just regroup for a few weeks. Then start to deal with things one at a time if you can. Counseling has helped us work out things, so I would look at that too. What we've realized is that both of us are too busy/stressed to notice the other person is also struggling.

[bigsis]

:hug: That's way too much stress on a human being, much less a marriage. Take care of your own for right now---the stuff with your brother, DH sister and his parents, you can't fix that. Focus only on things you absolutely must do.

I agree with the PPs on getting another car. I drive my mom around sometimes on top of my kids' activities and my errands---I go nuts!! I can't imagine driving DH too.

If date night is too expensive, have date nights in the apartment. Just make sure your DS doesn't leave the bedroom. DH and I have taco nights every Wednesday and the kids get the evil eye if they come out of their rooms. ;) We've been doing this for at least 7 years now. It's not fancy, we eat, watch TV, talk a little bit. But we both know that time is set aside just for us.

Try to get back to normal; I'd get out of the cramped apartment as well. Your marriage and sanity is WAY more important than getting the "perfect" house.

I'm not sure if you're open to it, but 1-800-A-FAMILY has Christian counselors that are willing to listen. Hours are M-F 6am-8pm Mountain Time. It might be a good starting point, and if you want to go farther they can give you a local referral as well.

HTH and I hope you get peace soon.

[California]

It sounds like you and your DH are both under a lot of stress. Even if it may feel like it right now, it's a phase of life and not your whole life. You will move through this. Based on what you've written here alone I wouldn't immediately think of you as depressed- you sound like you are very capable, are able to identify concrete changes you'd like to see happen, are motivated to make changes, and were a huge help to your mom.

Each of the issues you've mentioned- your mom having health issues, moving to a new state, a new job for DH, siblings having issues, DH having an injury- on their own are highly stressful. You've got the whole enchilada. Give yourself some credit that you are looking for solutions!

My suggestion is to temporarily not look to your DH as an emotional shoulder to lean on. Just as all this is a lot of stress for you to try to handle, it's also a lot of stress for him. He's got a new job, his parents and sibling are having issues, his knee is hurting... And it's possible that being raised as a male in our society, he wasn't trained culturally on emotional sensitivity (is there a PC way to say that?) When you walk in all full of emotion he may have no clue what to do with all those strong feelings. Which may be why he tried to defer the conversation with the movie and preferred talking to your mom over asking you about your week. I'm not saying he shouldn't figure it out. Just saying that for now, for YOU to get the best support possible, turn to a therapist.

A therapist would be a good way to give you an understanding ear and some support. You've moved to a new state. You probably haven't had a chance to make new friends there, and it doesn't sound like you are able to socialize much yet. It would be very normal in your circumstances to feel really lonely. That may be why spending time with your mom felt so good- you felt the comfort of that connection. If you can find a therapist, or at least talk to a sympathetic friend, it'll take some of the pressure off of your relationship with DH. Taking that pressure off will also make it easier for you and your DH to plan a date night or even just hang out together for an evening at home.

It also may help your DH if you give him concrete directions. He's blowing it with the car. I asked my hubs for his male perspective on this situation and he immediately said that your DH needs to handle the car situation himself, and is asking too much of you. My hubby pointed out that somethings you compromise on in a marriage, but mental wellbeing and health trump being picky about a car or a house. I think it's very, very fair and rational to say that you want to stop being his chauffeur, to skip the long wait of a build, and that you want to concentrate on settling in roots now to create a wonderful life for your family in your new town.

[citymama]

That is a ton of stress to be undergoing. I am so sorry for all that you're going through. No advice, just wanted to send a virtual hug and some good mojo your way.

[NJ_Mom2011]

I love the advice not to turn to DH to deal with any future problems. He is stressed out, and he won't be helpful. It took over a decade to figure that one out from my own marriage.

I think that it is a good sign that you had a list for your initial post. That is exactly right. Itemizing what is wrong here is the first step.

Things I recommend tabling for the long term: Global and nebulous decisions that you are right now not in a right place to handle. Once things are more to norm, you are in a better position.

So things that are in my opinion are global issues that just need to be delayed for another day: Brother and Mom. So unless your mom needs to go to assisted living now, delay until after Thanksgiving. If she needs help or someone to regularly check on her, and she has resources, get a home health aide. Don't make any drastic decisions about her now, as you are just not in a good position.

State of your marriage: I know everyone is pushing you to get help, but again I would be tabling this until you guys are in your permanent home and there is less chaos.

Husband being a jerk: If he addresses the car situation and home problem, I will let some of this slide unless he crosses the line too much.

Son using electronic devices: Unless he is watching something dangerous, just table that one for a few months. Maybe end of September? He is going through a lot of changes, and frankly since he is not in crises, it should do for now.

Immediate problems: Immediate problems are where you should concentrate on. You need to have less chaos and things more settled. Thus, one car is not working. He needs to uber his commutes, or you are getting a rental. Or he can stop being so silly about cars and you can buy one. You need a home now. Rentals don't work for you. So forget date night, you guys need to be house hunting. Finally, husband needs to go to the doctor. There are some doctor practices open Saturday, and he needs to go now. You guys are too stressed to have him in pain.

Once you guys are all settled in, then you will be in a better position to tackle the state of your marriage, brother's problems, son's use of electronics, and what to do with Mom.

[Soccermomm]

Note really much of an update, but we have been talking about things and I have been trying to stay calm. I realize that everything and almost anything starts to make my blood boil and stress me out. I have been trying to make sure he hears that my feels are hurt and what is upsetting me, etc. I have been looking into working with a therapist. I do think I need to do this. DS will be going back to school soon, so it will be easy for me to go while he is at school and DH is at work. We are actually going on a long weekend trip to the beach this weekend. Its really our only vacation this summer. We have just decided not to talk about certain subjects and go enjoy the weekend.

[TwinFoxes]

Note really much of an update, but we have been talking about things and I have been trying to stay calm. I realize that everything and almost anything starts to make my blood boil and stress me out. I have been trying to make sure he hears that my feels are hurt and what is upsetting me, etc. I have been looking into working with a therapist. I do think I need to do this. DS will be going back to school soon, so it will be easy for me to go while he is at school and DH is at work. We are actually going on a long weekend trip to the beach this weekend. Its really our only vacation this summer. We have just decided not to talk about certain subjects and go enjoy the weekend.

I think this is great.

Calling your mom could be a good thing. He could really be concerned and trying to help. Have fun this weekend, and try to leave your stressors behind. :)

[pastrygirl]

I just want to add that rage and anger is my *only* symptom of depression. I am on medication now and feel 1,000x better. I don't get angry nearly as much, and never feel ragey anymore. I'm no longer constantly stressed, either.

[Soccermomm]

Small update, but a really good one. The car he was waiting for came in this week and we bought it on saturday. It is an awesome car, and he is so happy. I am so happy!!! One stressful thing marked off my list!

[123LuckyMom]

Small update, but a really good one. The car he was waiting for came in this week and we bought it on saturday. It is an awesome car, and he is so happy. I am so happy!!! One stressful thing marked off my list!

That's great! Having the car issue resolved is a good step in the right direction. I'm glad you're both so happy!


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[Simon]

That is great news. I am glad to hear things have taken a positive turn.

[essnce629]

Yay, glad you finally have a second car!!! I hope it can help take off some of the stress and that things continue to improve from here on out!