Help me figure out this neighborhood situation

[petesgirl]

Have you ever had a neighbor that just sort of assumes you are their personal babysitter? How do you handle it? I have 2 situations like this that just started in the last few weeks.

#1 -- One of our neighbors (about 3 streets north of us actually) has a boy who is with his dad every other week. Dad lives in our neighborhood and I've spoken to him only twice. Once this boy was riding his bike around and we invited him to play in our backyard with DS and some other friends. Now his dad will walk him over and just let him into our backyard (without even alerting me!) and then Dad takes off. The boy knocks on our back door and says something like 'My dad said I can play until 7:30. Will you tell me when it's 7:30?'
Ok.. so I don't mind at all having him over to play. But I would prefer that it be by my invitation and that his dad asks first if its ok!! Typically if there are kids out in my backyard I feel like I need to be out there supervising because we have a trampoline. And sometimes I can't just drop whatever I am doing to keep an eye on your kid!
We were out of town for most of the day yesterday and got back about 7:00. This boy was just hanging out on our porch waiting to play! We said 10 mins only. He responded with, 'Oh, my Dad actually said I can play for an hour.' We sent him home after 10 mins :)

#2 -- Our neighbors across the street also have a 7 yr old boy. His mom is always bringing up how this boy needs someone to play with because he has 3 younger sisters and they aren't the same as having brothers..blah, blah, blah...he is always so lonely... We don't invite him over often though because he treats DS as a younger sibling and really wants to play with DS's toys without DS. Well, lately he has been coming over to the house and asking if he can play. I usually let him stay for a bit. But now he has started bringing over his 2 younger sisters (ages 3 and 18 months) and saying 'My mom said I could come play but I would have to bring the girls. Can you help me watch them so they don't get hurt?' So...If I let him stay and play I end up babysitting the 2 girls. NOT my idea of a good time. Passive-aggressive way of the mom making me babysit??

Urgh. I am so frustrated about how I am being taken advantage of. But, my non-confrontational self isn't sure how to handle either situation without offending somebody!

[Snow mom]

I wouldn't worry about offending. Just say "no." Full stop. Seriously, why worry about offending these people? It doesn't sound like you have an established relationship or that they reciprocate having your kids over. Unfortunately it may mean you can't ever invite these children to play because their parents don't understand boundaries. I'd start by sending them away, then progress to talking to the parents if they don't get the hint and keep sending the kids around uninvited. There is no way you should be free babysitting against your will so don't feel bad setting limits that work for you.

[SnuggleBuggles]

1= call to authorities if he's just leaving his child off not even knowing if you're home. Eta- when you said, "and took off", for some reason my mind went to dropping off and driving away. Don't know why I thought that. That's why I said to call bc I thought he was just leaving his kid and no plans to retrieve/ nothing communicated.
2= walking the kiddos back and having a chat with mom about not having the siblings over. That you need to be asked first but that you aren't comfortable having them there (or whatever you want to say).


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[bisous]

I'm a fan of being direct and polite with neighbors. You can't just blow them off because they know where you live and can see when you come and go!

In the first case, I'd talk to the dad right away. As soon as you can. Let the dad know you really like playing with the child but you need to make sure it works for your schedule and he can't just drop him off in your backyard. Phrase it like, "Let's talk about this so we can make it work for both of us. We really like playing with (kid's name)."

In situation 2, I'd be really honest if it isn't a good time or a good situation. If the child comes over and you think that it would be a good time to play, let him in. If he comes with his siblings or at a bad time, just tell him "it isn't a good time right now" or you can even say, "We're going to be playing in 2 hours, you can come back then" if that works better for you. As to the behavior of treating your DS not so kindly or even using the toys, again, I'd be really direct. Before deciding that he isn't a good playmate, I'd talk to him about specifics in his behavior. I've told kids "I'm glad you're playing here. At our house we don't talk to each other like that" or "You are welcome to play with DS' toys but I you need to make sure DS can play as well". Kids are used to being told what to do by adults in charge and they take it remarkably well.

I'd just be really nice and advocate right from the start what works best for you. Play when it suits you, maybe help out extra when you can, but when it really doesn't work for you, just politely decline the "play date". It will make things way less complicated!

[TwinFoxes]

Stop being a doormat. I don't know how to sugar coat it.

Just tell them "we can't play now." I do that with kids I like and who are genuinely coming over to play. If someone opened my gate to let their kid play on a trampoline, I'd take him home and tell the dad it's not acceptable for liability reasons. And if someone showed up with two extra kids in tow, just no. And what were you supposed to do if the little one's diaper needed changing? My diaper changing days are o-v-e-r, and I'm not coming out of retirement for some random kid that shows up.

The only time something even CLOSE to what you described was when my neighbor, (who's one of my BFFs and the first person I met in the neighborhood and we have done countless favors for each other) was out of town for an emergency. Her husband dropped their then 5 year old off pretty unceremoniously, but I have a feeling it was that or lock himself in a closet with a bottle of scotch.

[BananaMama]

I would start telling the kids to go home. And I would be telling the parents if they leave their kids at my house without permission I will be calling the cops.

But I am cool with confrontation :)


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[JBaxter]

No sorry we can't play right now you have to go home. ~ close the door~ No we are getting ready to leave sorry ~ load the children up and go buy milk if necessary~

[gatorsmom]

The next time the kids come over, send them home right away with a note from you asking the parent for their phone number or a number where the parent can be reached. Tell the kids not to come back without that. Then you can text the parent directly. I think your inability to communicate with the parents is what is causing the problems right now. The next time the kids show up text, " sorry, we will be leaving this afternoon at 2pm and I'll be sending Johnny home then." Or something like that.

[khm]

Stop being a doormat. I don't know how to sugar coat it.


Yeah. I'd send kid #1 back home and say we had plans, not a good time, leaving in 30 minutes, whatever.

#2?? Whut? **Sending** two toddlers over? 3 is mindboggling, 18 months.... leaves me utterly speechless.

[petesgirl]

Yeah. I'd send kid #1 back home and say we had plans, not a good time, leaving in 30 minutes, whatever.

#2?? Whut? **Sending** two toddlers over? 3 is mindboggling, 18 months.... leaves me utterly speechless.

I know, right?? And it seriously feels like the mom is trying to 'cover up' that she wants me to babysit. Like her son is REALLY going to watch both girls while they are playing at my house! Once the 3 yr old had a potty accident and I took her home. About 10 mins later she was back knocking on my door, all changed and ready to play some more!

[petesgirl]

[QUOTE=TwinFoxes;4207087]Stop being a doormat. I don't know how to sugar coat it.

QUOTE]

Ha ha! For real--I am SUCH a doormat sometimes. Also, I am a little in shock that this is actually happening because most of the parents I have dealt with are super courteous about not intruding, etc. But, with DS starting kinder this year I am sure that will change!!

[niccig]

Walk them back home. Tell the parent now isn't a good time and in future they need to text you FIRST to see if it's a good time for the kids to play. If they come over without a text, send them home, "No, the kids can't play now" and close the door.

I feel that if you sometimes let them play without the parents checking, then they'll try every time they can. Some people need really tight boundaries.

[khm]

I know, right?? And it seriously feels like the mom is trying to 'cover up' that she wants me to babysit. Like her son is REALLY going to watch both girls while they are playing at my house! Once the 3 yr old had a potty accident and I took her home. About 10 mins later she was back knocking on my door, all changed and ready to play some more!

Is this mom depressed or crazy? I just cannot wrap my head around that. Doing that would be a **favor** I might ask of someone or agree to do for someone, not a "Eh, just go over to XX's house". This isn't a play date, it is straight up babysitting.

I'd send kid #2 home and tell him next time his dad needs to text.

I'd walk kids #1 home and let mom know it isn't ok, I'm not sure what I'd say exactly, but that is so far out of my comfort zone. What if you weren't home and they wandered away but she thought they were at your house? A 7 year old shouldn't have responsibility for such young kids! What if one runs one way and the other the other way. Just... ugh.

[Liziz]

Wow. Just wow. I'm shocked about both situations.

#1 - if you don't have the dad's contact info, then the next time it happens, I would tell the boy it isn't a good time to play. I would also send him home with a note for his dad -- "hi <dad> -- we enjoy having Billy come over to play occasionally, but for his safety, it's really important to me that I'm aware if he's coming over. My cell phone is #### -- next time Billy wants to play, please text me first so I can let you know if it's a good time. Thanks!" Or, just ask the kid for his dad's cell phone and call/text him that same message. Then, you need to be comfortable saying "no" if you get a text and it's not a good time for you.

#2 - I'm fairly speechless. I can't even fathom this one -- 3 is surprising, but an 18 month old??? I would probably say something like "It's nice to have <son's name> over to play sometimes, but it really doesn't work to have <daughters' names> come with him. If the kids all want to play together, I can send <your son's name> over to your house to play, otherwise I'd prefer only <son's name> comes over." As to that son's rude behavior at your house, I'd feel comfortable correcting him -- your house, your rules. I'd say something similar to what Bisous suggested.

And in both situations...if it's not a good time, feel confident to just say that to the kids and send them home!

Good luck! I'm super non confrontational too so I get it.....but these people seem nuts and will totally take advantage of you if you don't stand up for yourself. You can do it!

[squimp]

I would do what makes you comfortable, and not worry about being a doormat. We had a boy in our neighborhood who had a tough family life but was a really sweet kid. He would come over all the time, and when it worked for us, they would play at my house. When it didn't, we would send him home. But he lived right across the street, so we could see that when he went home, his family was there to let him in. We never coordinated with his family at all, but it didn't bother me. DD loved playing with that little guy and she still talks about him even though we moved when she was 5. My DD is an extrovert and loves to have other kids around so I didn't mind being the gathering spot as long as it worked for us.

For me, the hardest part of your first situation is that he lives 3 blocks away! I would probably walk the kid home and tell his dad he needs to call first.

[TwinFoxes]

I would do what makes you comfortable, and not worry about being a doormat.
OP wrote: I am so frustrated about how I am being taken advantage of. She's not comfortable, and yet she's allowing this to happen. That's why I said to stop being a doormat. I thought that was obvious from the context, but apparently not. If she had posted "I love have unattended 18 months and 3 year olds over uninvited, but people say I shouldn't do it. WWYD?" I would have said, "If you enjoy it, I don't see a problem with it, have fun!"

[ExcitedMamma]

Lots of good advice so I'll just add get a lock for your gate! That way at least you won't have that dad letting his son in when you aren't even there let alone agreed to it. And you must be a very amazing patient person for things to have gotten this far!! Your son is very blessed to have such a great mom!

[petesgirl]

Lots of good advice so I'll just add get a lock for your gate! That way at least you won't have that dad letting his son in when you aren't even there let alone agreed to it. And you must be a very amazing patient person for things to have gotten this far!! Your son is very blessed to have such a great mom!

Yes! I do want a gate lock. The problem is that we have one side fenced and the other side unfenced but landscaped with a path to our backyard (that story could be told in a BP..) so a lock wouldn't entirely solve the problem. However, with our relatively new trampoline I really want to gate the whole yard because I understand that it is such a temptation for free-roaming children.

[twowhat?]

I hate confrontation too but I would find it MUCH easier to tell a kid "No" than to tell the parent:) Given that the parent isn't around when the kid comes knocking, I don't see a problem with telling the kid(s) "No. Not today. Your dad/mom needs to check with me before you can come over to play. You will need to go back home." and send them home. Rinse, repeat with the same words every time, starting NOW!! I'm assuming these kids will pass the message to their parents, since they're old enough to remember "My dad says I can stay until 7:30" (WTF, BTW???) But even if they don't pass your verbal message to their parents, it should be a big enough hint. You are not free babysitting!

I'm usually all for being extra nice about it (some PPs gave some "extra-nice" verbiage) but in this case the parents are freakin' clueless!!! So blunt is best. Next step would be to escalate by walking the kid home and telling the parent in person. I hope it wouldn't come to this but you never know...

And OMG I just read about the uninvited little girl with the potty accident at your house - what in the world is the matter with those parents????

[petesgirl]

You know, Squimp and Twinfoxes, I think this is the part that is hard for me. I DO want my home to be a gathering place for DS's friends, especially because he is a lonely only so he has no siblings to play with. I regularly invite kids of many different ages over and volunteer to watch the neighbor's kids all the time. But again, that is all done when I have planned and prepared for it. In fact, there are one or two kids out in the back yard every evening for now but most often their parents come too and we all chat OR the parent has previously arranged to drop the child off. I need to tell that to boy #1's dad I suppose. Also, it does worry me when I send him home. A few times, another parent has offered to walk him halfway or something.
If one of these kids knocked on my door and asked if DS could play I would be ok with it or also be ok saying that it was not a good time. I can also tell a parent that it isn't a good time if they ask. But yes--the frustrating thing is the feeling that the parent has no regard for my plans and therefore the child learns not to ask permission.
I think next time I will just try to intercept the parents and ask them to text before sending the kids over.

[ray7694]

We have a girl in our neighborhood who house hops and is 10. My dd is 8. She will just stay from morning until night if you let her. She will say I can eat here and I say no go home. I choose if she can stay for lunch and tell her to go home all the time.
It's rude how people take advantage but until you speak up it will never end. I would keep telling both kids no every time they come over. You need to break the habit. The parents will get the message

[BunnyBee]

I'd be proactive and approach them preventatively. Write a script, practice, and call or text. If you're open to them asking you first, say that, but with people who are known users, I would leave it only to "I will text you to set up a play date when it's convenient" and keep the ball in your court.

[mackmama]

I'm flabbergasted honestly. I can't imagine either scenario. Then again neighbors don't seem to socialize where we live. I'd be direct. I'd go over to the father's and explain he can't just drop off his son not even knowing if you are home. I'd also think about calling CPS anonymously. Re the mom with 3 kids, I'd explain you are happy to have the one friend over when it's convenient to you both but that you can't host (i.e. babysit) all 3 kids.

[123LuckyMom]

I don't ever think it's fair to ask another human being to be a mind reader! No matter how obvious it seems to you that your view is the only correct one, if you haven't tested your reality with the other person, you can't assume they see things the same way.

We have a group of kids who play together on our block. The youngest kids are 3/4, and the oldest are 10 with a range in the middle. They travel from house to house, but often they spend their time at the oldest child's house. All the parents who are home, mom's and dads, have each other's phone numbers so we can text. There's a lot of, "the kids seem to be heading your way" texts and "will you please send my kids home at 7pm" texts. There are "your boys are asking for food, may I give them a cheese stick and some watermelon" texts. We stay in good touch, and I do hope nobody thinks I'm taking advantage. I don't feel that way about anyone else. There are a couple of younger boys, though, who had some trouble with just opening our unlocked doors and coming in. They've caught me in pjs and once in the shower. I explained to them several times about needing to ring the bell and WAIT and not come in unless someone inside opened the door! That didn't work, so I texted their mom to ask her to please text me to make sure it's convenient before letting them come over (and to remind them to wait for an adult to open the door). Honestly, though, if I hadn't said anything to her, she really might not know this was a problem! It never happens any more, but if I hadn't communicated about it, it might still be a problem.

I'm not saying that the parents of the kids in your scenario are behaving the right way, but you need to get a way to communicate with them and be clear about your limits. If you never say anything, it's really possible they just don't know their behavior is a problem. Ask that they text before letting their kids come over. When they text say whether it's okay, who can come, how long they can stay, etc. If you can take care of the annoying aspects of these visits, your DS will actually have a good thing going. I'd urge you to speak up and set limits. I know it's hard, but it's really the only way to make sure everyone is on the same page. If after you speak up the other parents don't listen, THEN you know you're being taken advantage of.


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[ShanaMama]

I think both parents know they are taking advantage. That's why they aren't asking- they are using their kids as emissaries. Ok, dad might be a little more clueless, but seriously, his son is with him every other week, he needs to figure this out. I think calling CPS is a serious cop out. I see people suggest it all the time on here and it is meant for children who are in danger, not parents who don't ask before play dates. He needs to be told firmly and directly "you cannot drop your son off on my property without calling/ texting/ knocking on the door to ask if it's a good time and how long he can stay." Simple. Tell him straight. The trampoline is a major liability- if that kid gets hurt you can be sued. You can hide behind that or not. I think it's better not to give excuses becuase them they can always come back with answers. Just say what you want from him.
Mom across the street is being a jerk. I know parents who tell their 7 yo's to watch the younger kids. I don't agree with it, but they probably don't agree with some of my parenting choices either. She gave her son that script that he should help you watch the kids. You need to send them all back home and go across and tell her "I am not available to watch your children." If and when you want DS to play with the boy you invite him over. Him playing with DS toys and not DS is probably more age appropriate and you can definitely address it. Remember, you're the adult. You say what goes and they listen. If they don't listen, they don't come back.

I think you really have no choice but to be ultra firm with both of these parents. I find that people like this take advantage of anyone they can. You need to step up and show them you are not available for that. Once you set a boundary once or twice they will move on and look for a new doormat. You will still have the option to invite the sons over to play with your DS but they will already know not to take advantage of you. JMNSHO

[petesgirl]

The little boy came by today while I was working and DH told him that he couldn't play and that when he wants to play he needs to go to the front door and ask. Dad was nowhere to be seen.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't ever think it's fair to ask another human being to be a mind reader! No matter how obvious it seems to you that your view is the only correct one, if you haven't tested your reality with the other person, you can't assume they see things the same way.

We have a group of kids who play together on our block. The youngest kids are 3/4, and the oldest are 10 with a range in the middle. They travel from house to house, but often they spend their time at the oldest child's house. All the parents who are home, mom's and dads, have each other's phone numbers so we can text. There's a lot of, "the kids seem to be heading your way" texts and "will you please send my kids home at 7pm" texts. There are "your boys are asking for food, may I give them a cheese stick and some watermelon" texts. We stay in good touch, and I do hope nobody thinks I'm taking advantage. I don't feel that way about anyone else. There are a couple of younger boys, though, who had some trouble with just opening our unlocked doors and coming in. They've caught me in pjs and once in the shower. I explained to them several times about needing to ring the bell and WAIT and not come in unless someone inside opened the door! That didn't work, so I texted their mom to ask her to please text me to make sure it's convenient before letting them come over (and to remind them to wait for an adult to open the door). Honestly, though, if I hadn't said anything to her, she really might not know this was a problem! It never happens any more, but if I hadn't communicated about it, it might still be a problem.

I'm not saying that the parents of the kids in your scenario are behaving the right way, but you need to get a way to communicate with them and be clear about your limits. If you never say anything, it's really possible they just don't know their behavior is a problem. Ask that they text before letting their kids come over. When they text say whether it's okay, who can come, how long they can stay, etc. If you can take care of the annoying aspects of these visits, your DS will actually have a good thing going. I'd urge you to speak up and set limits. I know it's hard, but it's really the only way to make sure everyone is on the same page. If after you speak up the other parents don't listen, THEN you know you're being taken advantage of.


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What you describe is a lot like our neighborhood. Lots of texting like that. And I love it too. I can't imagine any of the parents sending a kid in diapers, or opening a gate to send their kid in to jump on a trampoline when no one was home though. That's what is unacceptable to me.

I am with you, 123. I have no problem with kids showing up and knocking to play out of the blue. That's how I grew up, and I like that about our neighborhood, kids aren't relying on their parents to schedule their friends.

[sweetsue98]

We have situations like that in our neighborhood as well. One of our neighbor kids just walks right into our house and we had to tell her numerous times that she has to knock prior to entering. She also comes over without telling her parents. As previous posters mention it is important to get the parents contact information to communicate with them. Who knows the kids may be telling their parents it is completely OK with you to have them over anytime. As parents I don't think it's OK to send your kids over to someone else's home without permission but who knows what the kids are telling the parents.

[calebsmama03]

Those examples are pretty blatant and I wouldn't be worried at all about offending the parents.

There was a family down the street that used to let their little girls roam freely till well after dark. Once we heard someone trying to open our screen door at 9PM one night and it was these girls (about 3 and 5 at the time) saying they wanted my kids to play. We told them they were in bed and walked them back home. It continued to the point where we just flat out told our kids they couldn't play with these girls anymore because they were never supervised, would come join our kids outside and tell us, "My mom said she would be home at ___" (several hours later) but if the kids didn't get their way in a game they'd run home and tell mom/dad/teenage sibling that one of our kids hurt them! Myself and my neighbor friends got tired of being the defacto babysitters so we just cut them off. Our kids didn't enjoy playing with them so it wasn't a difficult choice. If you DS enjoys playing with these kids it might be harder.

With the toddlers I'd tell the mom I'm sorry but it becomes a very weird play dynamic when the girls are over so as much as your DS loves to play with her DS, you can't be responsible for the littles but her DS is welcome to come play.

[MMMommy]

I think the bottom line is communication here. Do I think either scenario is acceptable? Absolutely not. They, however, either don't realize that their actions bother you, or they know and just don't care. With them, I think you have to be very direct, no beating around the bush. Do not hesitate to say "no" firmly and clearly and do not be afraid to state your boundaries. I am one that is afraid of and hates confrontation, and I would be terribly uncomfortable in this situation. But I would have to just bite the bullet and be uncomfortable and say what I need to say to avoid further issues like these. Sometimes people really are clueless and don't get it until you really lay it out for them.

[bisous]

Petesgirl I think you are on your way to becoming one of those welcoming "hang out" homes that you aspire to be. Obviously children like to be at your home and that's awesome. Just make sure that you craft the experience to suit the needs of your family. I think that's why open and direct communication really works. I think it works especially well if you can let parents know that you do like being with their children and then you give them scenarios that WORK FOR YOU that allow them to play at your house. I think that takes away the feeling of being a doormat because you are in control. I know that I purposefully host more often than not because I am pretty overprotective with my kids (medical needs play a role here) and so this option allows me some control. I don't feel like the situation makes me resentful though because I only do what I feel like works for me. Does that make sense?

[daniele_ut]

I was thinking to myself as I read the OP, that sounds like my old neighbors, and then I remembered that you live in my general area lol!

When we lived in our last house, which was in an urban neighborhood of mostly quarter acre lots, my neighbor's kids would come over constantly asking to play and if I let them I would often get a text not long after from their parent asking if I'd seen her kids. At the time the younger one was less than 3. Their older daughter used to just walk right in if she found the door unlocked. I am generally a compulsive door locker, but a few times when I forgot she would just open it and barge in.

Our current house has a total of 12 kids living in the two homes next to ours and four of those kids and my daughter are frequently running back and forth between the houses, but I have no problem at all telling them when it's time to go home.