Kindergarten question - kid not acting nice

[mackmama]

DC started kinder this year and loves it. There are 14 kids in the class, and they've been in school 3 weeks. No separation issues, has a gaggle of new friends, having a great time overall. However - there is one child (X) who is being consistently mean to DC (saying mean things, excluding, dirty looks, etc), and I'm not sure how to handle it. Each child has assigned seats around a U-shaped table, and X sits next to DC. I've been focused on reminding DC how to respond or walk away when X is mean, but then one day last week DC told me X pushed DC so I spoke to the teacher. The teacher was very receptive, talked to DC in front of me and encouraged DC to tell her anytime X was mean, and asked me to keep her posted on what I hear/see from DC about X. The K teacher said she would also talk to X, which I think she did because the next day DC came home and said "X was nice to me today!" However - this morning on the playground, DC greeted X, and X gave her such a mean look and just walked away which X's parent didn't seem to notice. In itself that's no biggie, but it made my heart drop because DC is such a sweet and sensitive kid, and it's a bummer DC has to sit next to someone who's acting this way.

So... would you do anything else at this point like approach the parent (if so, what do I say)? Or should I invite X over for a playdate so I can observe the dynamics directly and intercede with X as necessary? Should I talk to the K teacher again (although it seems silly to report "X gave DC a dirty look")? DH thinks we should ask if X can be moved so X and DC don't sit next to each other, but I'm not sure if that's overreacting or interfering too much with the teacher's classroom (and I don't want DC moved since DC loves the kids who sit on the other side).

[SnuggleBuggles]

I wouldn't do anything. Not everyone is going to be friends. Encourage your dd to be kind and then just don't stress. You'll know you've done all you can. Don't request a seat change.


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[JBaxter]

Like Sugglebuggles I wouldn't do anything especially inviting them in your home to see how you can "intercede" with the other child. Giving dirty looks is not an actionable offence in school. Let the teacher handle the class room. I know its hard not to be a helicopter parent but you need to allow children to handle things on their own. If your child is physically touched that's one thing getting dirty looks is not always with out reason. Maybe your child did something Child X didn't like you don't know. Not everyone will want to be your childs best friend or even their friend at all. You will discover this as your child moves through grades.

[mousemom]

In Kindy and 1st grade, my DS changed seats/tables once a month. Hopefully your teacher will do this too so that your DC will get a chance to sit next to different people.

[gatorsmom]

I'd let the teacher continue to handle it and wouldn't do anything. However, I don't think a play date is out of order. Not so much for the goal of correcting X but more to see if your DC is doing something that upsets X. Kids can act totally different at school and do things their parents would never have predicted. It might be something as innocent as your DC pronounces X's name wrong. If you see something upsetting X, you can stop your DC from doing it again and explain why. You might be able to quickly resolve something small that seems huge to one of them. Kids tend to blow things out of proportion a lot of the time. :). Plus, more time spent together and they might become hard fast friends. If they really like spending time together they are probably more willing to overlook the little things about each other that bug them.

[smiles33]

Echoing the PP to advise you to stand down, OP. Your DD will face other similar issues and needs to learn to handle unfriendly classmates. If it escalates to physical aggression or verbal bullying, then by all means, your DD needs to go to the teacher. Dirty looks, catty comments, staring, etc. are all par for the course for girls, sadly. My now 5th grade DD1 went through a period when she had a classmate who would look at DD1 and whisper to a friend, or just stare at DD1 randomly. DD1 hated it. I think it started in 1st grade and it was the first time DD1 ever had an issue with someone not liking her (DD1 is very friendly and outgoing).

It was certainly not worth going to the teacher about it, but I had to regularly counsel DD1 to ignore that classmate and not look for the odd behavior. DD1 couldn't resist and would regularly report to me that it was continuing. One time, out of frustration, DD1 even asked her, "Why are you staring at me?" The classmate denied looking at DD1 but would then do it again later in the day. I even caught the classmate doing it to DD1 on the weekdays when I volunteered in their classroom, so at least I could reassure DD1 it wasn't just in her head.

This went on for over 2 years until that girl moved away. DD1 and I would sometimes speculate about it--maybe the classmate thought DD1 reminded her of someone she didn't like, maybe the classmate was jealous of DD1, maybe the classmate didn't like DD1 because DD1 did something to her that DD1 doesn't remember doing, etc. Regardless, DD1 learned that she can't make everyone like her, no matter how nice DD1 tries to be.

[Mikey0709]

I think you have great advice so far.... just be happy it's ONLY 1 kid :)

[mackmama]

Thanks all. I laughed at the PP's "stand down" comment. I needed that.

I guess I just really question the whole "let kids figure it out" theory. I think some of those kids turn into true bullies because no one interceded when younger. I do get that kids need to figure some stuff out, but I think 5 year olds are still very young and need help navigating and learning social skills. It's like i hear some parents of older boys who are acting like bullies say "boys will be boys." I call BS on that and think intervention and training on how to be a nice person is required. Sigh. This is all new territory for me, and I'm having trouble discerning what is my lioness mama coming out and what is a reasonable (although perhaps not mainstream) approach to helping kids navigate social waters with more intervention.

[JBaxter]

It is not your JOB to handle the correction in the classroom or the play ground. I guess since you have only had one newly 5 yr old you can listen to us seasoned moms and yes they DO figure it out. You will also have to take into consideration that you child may not be innocent in the whole situation. There may be something your "DC" does that sets off some trigger in another child. I've seen many times when a parent only gets one side of the story. It happens with my own children as well as school. I averaged 8-10 hrs a week volunteering last year and witnessed many many children try to play innocent in situations. Let the teacher handle it. Nothing you described is a big red flag child X is becoming a bully.

[flashy09]

I just wanted to say I have been through the same thing. I think the dirty looks and snubbing is almost harder because, unlike flat out aggression, it's much harder for a teacher to catch and not really punishable. But probably even more hurtful! I just bolster up my child with things like "you are kind and smart and funny and a good friend" (I am always worried this girl is going to harden DD up, who is also very sweet and sensitive) and try to alternate between minimizing the other girl's behavior by saying things like "she must have had her grumpy pants on, just play with nice kids and don't worry about it" with talking about how she has not yet learned to be a good friend. Basically I don't want DD to dwell on it, but it does hurt her feelings so I try and give it some attention and not have DD feel bad about herself.

[anonomom]

I just wanted to say I have been through the same thing. I think the dirty looks and snubbing is almost harder because, unlike flat out aggression, it's much harder for a teacher to catch and not really punishable. But probably even more hurtful! I just bolster up my child with things like "you are kind and smart and funny and a good friend" (I am always worried this girl is going to harden DD up, who is also very sweet and sensitive) and try to alternate between minimizing the other girl's behavior by saying things like "she must have had her grumpy pants on, just play with nice kids and don't worry about it" with talking about how she has not yet learned to be a good friend. Basically I don't want DD to dwell on it, but it does hurt her feelings so I try and give it some attention and not have DD feel bad about herself.

I think this is a good way to handle it. You can't address or change the other kid's behavior, but you can help your DD react in a healthy way.

I agree that there's not much more you can do right now to address this with the teacher. If your DD tells you about any more overt behavior, then you can ask that the two kids be separated. But dirty looks/exclusion are unfortunately part of kids learning how to be students. It sucks that your DD is dealing with it so soon.

[bisous]

Thanks all. I laughed at the PP's "stand down" comment. I needed that.

I guess I just really question the whole "let kids figure it out" theory. I think some of those kids turn into true bullies because no one interceded when younger. I do get that kids need to figure some stuff out, but I think 5 year olds are still very young and need help navigating and learning social skills. It's like i hear some parents of older boys who are acting like bullies say "boys will be boys." I call BS on that and think intervention and training on how to be a nice person is required. Sigh. This is all new territory for me, and I'm having trouble discerning what is my lioness mama coming out and what is a reasonable (although perhaps not mainstream) approach to helping kids navigate social waters with more intervention.

I think right now it is very trendy to say "kids need to work it out" in part because there is this reaction against helicopter parenting. The truth is, kid behavior is hard and sometimes they DO just need to work it out and sometimes parental involvement and proper adult modeling is absolutely needed. I don't think this sounds like an instance where you, as a parent, need to interfere. Many kids are dealing with less than ideal behavior either towards the teacher or in class and the teacher and the parent of the child are most likely aware of the problem and working on it. You've talked to the teacher who sounded appropriately interested but not overly alarmed. To ME it doesn't sound like it is that big of a deal, honestly although it is hard when our kids get upset!

I like the suggestion mentioned by a PP about building up your DC. That's some excellent adult modeling (by you!) of how kids can handle social difficulties in school, which inevitably occur!

[mackmama]

I just wanted to say I have been through the same thing. I think the dirty looks and snubbing is almost harder because, unlike flat out aggression, it's much harder for a teacher to catch and not really punishable. But probably even more hurtful! I just bolster up my child with things like "you are kind and smart and funny and a good friend" (I am always worried this girl is going to harden DD up, who is also very sweet and sensitive) and try to alternate between minimizing the other girl's behavior by saying things like "she must have had her grumpy pants on, just play with nice kids and don't worry about it" with talking about how she has not yet learned to be a good friend. Basically I don't want DD to dwell on it, but it does hurt her feelings so I try and give it some attention and not have DD feel bad about herself.

Thanks. I appreciate it, and this is exactly how I've been approaching it too. I'm sorry you and your DC have gone through it too, and hope things are better now.

[KpbS]

I recently had to get involved my in DC's social interactions as we have had some problems in this area. Last year a classmate was repeatedly physically aggressive--hitting, spitting, lifting my DC up when that child was angry, etc. My DC knows it is not ok to give or receive this behavior, but recently experienced the same from a new friend. I emailed the teachers, explained what had happened (to the best of my understanding) and the aggression was dealt with.

If the grumpy child your DC is interacting with becomes physically aggressive, that is when it needs to be in the radar of the teachers to nip in the bud. Our initial aggressor was very sneaky and would hit/punch when the teacher's back was turned and during times of transition. It was very hard for my child to understand why a friend would treat DC this way and became "normal" and expected, sadly. Not a good situation. :(

[candaceb]

I saw this article come up in my fb feed and thought of this thread. Might help you distinguish between different types of interactions your daughter runs into.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/bullying_b_2188819.html

[candaceb]

duplicate