Get wishes and affairs in order OH and a burial plan

[hillview]

My dad died suddenly of a massive heart attack on Sunday in my back yard, I found him and did CPR -- it was an awful situation.

He had no plan, no plot, nothing planned at all. I've spent the last 4 days with my mom trying to organize things and funerals are super expensive. Later this year once I've gotten past this specific moment DH and I will be buying a place to be buried and fund/make arrangements. It is seriously insane. This is a PSA to both talk to older parents or in laws and also get your own affairs in order. Not doing it is awful.

[PunkyBoo]

I'm so sorry for your loss! How completely awful and frightening for you. You and your family are in my prayers.

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[mikala]

Oh my goodness. P&pt for you and your family.

I've been on my parents to do their planning. Not so much for the cost as spelling out their wishes so we don't have to try to guess what they wanted in an emotional time.

This does lead to a related question for others on the board. How do you plan burial specifics when you aren't sure where you'll be living at the time of your (hopefully many many years away) death? For my parents it's obvious that they'll very likely be living in the same city but not as certain for us.

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[123LuckyMom]

I'm so sorry, OP! It's horrifying enough to lose someone you love, but to have to take care of all those decisions and details and shoulder such a large, unexpected expense while trying to cope with the shock and grief... It's too much! Hugs to you!


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[Tenasparkl]

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second, thank you for the reminder! Thinking of you and your family

[pinay]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[TwinFoxes]

I am sorry, so very sorry, for your loss, for the suddeness, and the trauma of finding him.

My parents have both passed away, neither had a plan. I understand what you are going through.

[goldenpig]

I'm so sorry for your loss hillview, and for the trauma of they way he died. Hugs to you and your family.

My MIL is getting older and lives all alone, we are trying to figure out what to do when she gets older as DH is an only and his parents divorced. We are looking into residential living but it is so expensive, both entry fee and monthly fee. We worry about her because she lives far away (in SoCal) that if anything happened to her we are not around to help immediately.

[Globetrotter]

Hugs to you. I can imagine how traumatizing this was for you 😟

[gatorsmom]

Oh Hillview, I'm so sorry! I'll be saying some prayers for you and your family.

I have to say, it's very kind of you to go through all this with your mother. And what a blessing it is that she lives with you! When my mom died, my dad said it was so hard living without her alone in his house. He left her purse and keys in the same spot she always left them but he just didn't have the heart to move them. I imagine it's a huge comfort for her to be there with you and her sweet grandkids.

I will say that we had a great funeral director and he was an enormous help wading through all of the funeral and burial details. Essentially we showed up, he asked us a bunch of questions, offered to handle as many of the details as he could himself, right down to paying the priest the stipend for his services. He had the owner of the headstone-carving company waiting at the cemetery for us and the cemetery director was there at the same time to show us which plots they had available. We didn't have to do anything after that but bring some clothes to the funeral home and then show up the night of the wake. He didn't charge any more for this service, since we organized everything through them. But yeah, I think for middle of the road caskets and crypt we paid $12k. Not cheap. And even with him doing all that for us, it was agony and the pain was so fresh.

I really feel for what you are going through right now. :hug:

[baymom]

Oh my goodness, Hillview! I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how traumatic it must have been to have found him and to administer CPR to your father. :hug:

[boolady]

Hillview, I am so, so sorry. Your mom will appreciate your help and support so much. Please know you are all in my thoughts.

[trcy]

I am so sorry for your tragic loss.


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[Momit]

I am so sorry. My husband just lost his sister and her affairs were in a similar state. It's so hard for the family members to deal with all that stuff in the midst of grieving.

[cvanbrunt]

I am so very sorry for your loss, Hillview. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[jgenie]

I'm so sorry for your loss.


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[georgiegirl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

FIL passed away about a year ago. We knew it was coming, but I was in charge of dealing with the after-death stuff because I wasn't emotionally involved like DH and MIL. Looking into cremation options, selecting the urn, picking up the remains. DH and I both agreed to be cremated when the time comes.

[Philly Mom]

I am so sorry for your loss and the additional emotional stress that you are now dealing with. I will be thinking of you.


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[SnuggleBuggles]

I can't even imagine what you and your family are going through. I am so sorry.


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[MontrealMum]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sending P&PT to your family.

[oneplustwo]

I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine the shock and pain for all of you. Hugs as you and your mom work your way through all this.

[KrisM]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Mikey0709]

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

[DualvansMommy]

You're in our thoughts and prayers! Such an ordeal for you, from the sound of it. Please take care of yourself too in the meantime.


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[wendibird22]

Oh Hillview, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hugs!

[wencit]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. :hug:

[elektra]

I am so sorry. That sounds horrible. :( I am lucky in that my dad has gone almost overboard in the other direction, wanting to plan out all the details. I have already selected my mom's casket at Costco for example. I need to be more appreciate.

I also have nothing planned for myself. It's a reality though that it's going to happen and you never can really know exactly when that will be. Thanks for the PSA and again, I am so so sorry.

[kdeunc]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[happymom]

I am so sorry for your loss :cry:. Hugs.

[California]

That's awful. You must be so shaken up from the shock, and trying to make decisions while grieving at the same time. Hugs, P&PT for you and your family. If you can, find someone to unabtrusively record the service as you may be in too much shock right now to remember it well afterwards. Listening to the tributes later may be very comforting.

[Indianamom2]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. You will be in my prayers.

I have been bugging my parents to do this. They finally made a will this year. I am 37.:nono::nono:

[lmh2402]

omg, hillary. i just saw this. i'm so very sorry - I know your parents were very involved and a big part of your life...might be remembering wrong or a different poster, but I thought they lived with you or right near you. i can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your family. sending you hugs and peace.

[rlu]

I'm so sorry. My mom passed quickly. However she and dad had much of the plans in place. Even with many things decided it was an ordeal for our family to work with the various organizations, getting death certs, even copies of her birth cert and marriage license (really, get copies of those now and put in a box - luckily mom was a California girl so most things are somewhat local), picking out verses (she'd picked songs), ordering food, etc.

I do caution to really think about getting the all-in-one burial plans. My folks had done that years ago (thank you) and were still on a payment plan which came suddenly due for her and we ended up not using them for much of what they had bought (mostly having to do with the burial plot but there were other items in the "California" plan that weren't necessary/needed). Overall a relief to be able to call them up, give a policy number and they came quickly and respectfully (suits on) to do their piece of the plan. Hospice was there almost immediately to help me dress her before they arrived, but they weren't far behind.

Gah, I can't do this now, but I agree with your overall sentiment.

I'm really sorry for your loss. It never goes away.

[bigsis]

I'm so sorry for your loss hillview. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

[hillview]

omg, hillary. i just saw this. i'm so very sorry - I know your parents were very involved and a big part of your life...might be remembering wrong or a different poster, but I thought they lived with you or right near you. i can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your family. sending you hugs and peace.
good memory :)
thank you all for your kind words I am grieving

[jent]

So sorry for your loss, Hillary. Sending hugs and positive thoughts.

[legaleagle]

So sorry for your loss - your family will be in my thoughts.

[sunnyside]

I'm just seeing this Hillview. I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, and just want to send my love and thoughts. :(

[essnce629]

Oh no Hillview I'm just seeing this now as well. How horrible and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of positive vibes your way. (((HUGS)))

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[citymama]

I missed your post all these days. I am so very sorry for your sudden loss. Sending you good thoughts and wishes for strength.

Thanks for the PSA - that is good advice. Hugs.

[lizzywednesday]

...

I have been bugging my parents to do this. They finally made a will this year. I am 37.:nono::nono:

I'm 38. Neither of my parents have a will.

Dad says he's too poor for it to be an issue and Mom hasn't got her own money. (Her situation is actually scarier than Dad's, to be honest, because she stands to lose her home if her husband passes away intestate.)

[lizzywednesday]

Hillview, please know you and your family have been in my thoughts; there's a lot of value in your PSA.

Sending hugs.