Reasonable compensation for rides to school during health crisis?

[rin]

My family is going through a difficult and aggressive health crisis right now with an uncertain future, and in the aftermath of the initial hospitalization (when we weren't perfectly clear what was happening) several of our friends have offered to help by giving our girls rides to school. Our girls go to two different schools. One family (whose daughter is in our oldest daughter's class) lives 6 blocks away and drives past our house anyways on their way to school; they've offered to pick our oldest up in the mornings. The other family has two children at the other school where our youngest goes (but not the same grade) and lives right behind our house, they've offered to have our daughter dropped off/picked up from their house most days (barring some scheduling conflict where their kids won't be at school that day), and then do the actual driving to/from school, so we only have to walk her around the block each morning/afternoon (plus she gets a bit of a playdate with their kids).

Both families have purely volunteered and seem happy to help, but when they volunteered it was in the context of the acute initial hospitalization. At this point we know a lot more about the duration of treatment/etc, and we'd like to have an explicit conversation with each of them about whether it would be feasible to turn this into a longer-term arrangement at least while we handle the next 5-6 months of hospitalizations and recuperation (best case outcome). I'd like to propose a weekly "gas money" contribution, but wasn't sure if (a) that seemed like the right way to make it feel like a win-win scenario for them and (b) if so, what would be reasonable?

If some sort of weekly gas money would be right, how much would make sense?

Is there anything else that would be reasonable? Right now we're spread pretty thin, so honestly don't have much bandwidth for sharing carpooling or returning favors in kind. :(

[wellyes]

Hugs to you .

I know a woman in a similar boat (giving rides to a friend's child for a school year) and she did not accept compensation. I would not accept compensation.

I think in your shoes, to keep it absolutely simple, I might word it as: I hope you can continue this arrangement for the next six months at least and I will be giving you gas cards to help , it's all I can do at this point.
I suspect they will understand, and hopefully say yes OR say, we can work this out if we split it with some other friends...... something like that.

I hope of all the things you are juggling and dealing with this one is simple and easy.

[AngB]

I am really sorry you are having to deal with this. :(

There is no way I would accept any contribution from a friend for a drive that I was already doing anyway, especially when they were going through major medical issues. In high school my best friend's brother was a senior when we were freshman and we lived in the same neighborhood, he gave me a ride to/from school every day, not a big deal. I did the same for our next door neighbor when I was a senior.

It would be nice to offer gas cards but I really do not think it's necessary.

[Kindra178]

Absent a severe inability to pay for a tiny bit of gas, I wouldn't consider accepting money. Also, these families aren't driving your kids hours and hours away regularly. It takes a village. Sorry you are going through this.


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[azzeps]

I wouldn't take your money. I would appreciate your thoughtfulness in offering, but would not accept it. So sorry about the health problems.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Hugs.
I wouldn't want anything. Maybe a gift card to the ice cream shop, donut store, favorite family restaurant or something if you really want to do something.


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[baymom]

I wouldn't accept your money. You'd be so thoughtful to offer, but I don't think that I'm alone when I say friends like to help each other out. Putting money in the mix makes it feel funny. Maybe a nice handwritten Thank You note.

[lmh2402]

hugs to you. I understand your instinct to offer, but I would guess your friends won't accept. I'd send a note explaining that given current circumstances, you would appreciate knowing they can continue driving your DDs for the foreseeable future; explain that you're happy to offer them a gas card on a weekly basis as a form of contribution. Assuming they say "no," be happy for good, kind friends and move on to dealing with everything else. If they happen to say yes, they want the gas card...then I guess I'd ask them how much they think would be fair on a weekly basis.

I'm so sorry for the stress you and your family are dealing with.

[mom2binsd]

I would talk with them about the need to continue to accept the rides and give them a rough timeline, and offer up gas cards etc. If they refuse, I'd still try and give them a gift card to a place they might go out to eat at, Dairy Queen, frozen yougurt etc.

[trcy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Like others have said, you can offer but they probably won't accept any compensation...I know I wouldn't. If you really feel like you need to do something, you could put a gift card (gas or something else) in a thank you card.


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[ckso]

The friends offering aren't really going out of their way so if it was me, I wouldn't accept any type of money.

Maybe you can offer small gift cards to ice cream, etc as a token of appreciation. Maybe offer to watch their kids one night for date night?


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[Philly Mom]

The friends offering aren't really going out of their way so if it was me, I wouldn't accept any type of money.

Maybe you can offer small gift cards to ice cream, etc as a token of appreciation. Maybe offer to watch their kids one night for date night?


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I agree and hugs to you!


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[California]

I would do just what you are planning- have an explicit conversation with them letting them know the current diagnosis and plan, and then go from there. I agree with PP that they may not want any compensation, but give them a chance to answer that question themselves. If they don't want money for gas, little notes of gratitude and gift cards for restaurants or an after school treat would let them know how appreciated they are (and may make you feel better too.)

Another thing to consider: From what you've described it's very possible that there may be a few days when complications arise and you are not available to take care of your kids after school. If you can put a Plan B and Plan C in place with the neighbors now for any emergencies, it will help give you all peace of mind later on. That may mean Plan B is asking them to help out, and then having a Plan C list of friends and relatives to call if needed.

[jgenie]

We went through this recently with friends. A group of us covered kid transportation, meals, doctor / treatment transportation so the spouse could continue to work. Our friend wasn't able to drive and wasn't alone. We didn't accept any payment. As someone on the outside it's so hard to see the struggle and feel helpless. By telling us what they needed we were able to provide in ways they decided were most beneficial. I'm so sorry you're going through this. :grouphug:

[candaceb]

Most people genuinely want to be helpful. If you tell them a way that they can make your life easier and it will take almost no time out of their day, I can't imagine they wouldn't be happy to do it. When close friends were going through a cancer crisis, I was desperate for some way to be able to help them despite the fact that I was working full time with a 2 hour commute. It turned out that they really wanted to be able to go to church on Sunday without taking their 2 year old. So I took her for a couple of hours every Sunday, I felt helpful, they got a little time to themselves. I never would have accepted compensation. Said 2 year old is now 13 and when she recently babysat DS for the first time, her mother didn't want me to pay her because of all the time I spent babysitting her. Absolutely unnecessary to repay me in any way, especially not 11 years later.

I'm sorry for the medical issues you are facing. Sending strength your way.

[rin]

Thanks all, this is very helpful. We're really just reeling right now, trying to settle down what we can count on to be stable so we know what additional bandwidth we have for everything else. You all are absolutely right; something like this does take a village, it's just quite a change from what I think many of us are used to in terms of managing most of the daily details of our lives on our own.

We'll offer gas cards, if they don't accept (which it sounds like they may not), then we'll plan to send thank you notes with gift cards to the local ice cream shop.

Thank you all for the good thoughts as well; much appreciated.

[citymama]

I am so very sorry about your family is going through.

In their shoes, I would not accept or expect compensation. It's what friends and neighbors do. You could offer, and likely be turned down. I would give them a gift card to Target or Costco down the line, or maybe some place fun for the family to eat out. Right now, accept the help and focus on what needs your attention. Sounds like they've got your back.

[bigsis]

Absent a severe inability to pay for a tiny bit of gas, I wouldn't consider accepting money. Also, these families aren't driving your kids hours and hours away regularly. It takes a village. Sorry you are going through this.
:yeahthat:

[Globetrotter]

In our circle, when someone is going through a crisis the others chip in. It all balances out in the end, and even if it doesn't, so what? Like PP's, it makes me very happy to help friends in need. We sit around wondering what to do and this gives us a concrete way to help.
I doubt they will except your offer, and honestly I don't think you need to worry about it too much since they are going there anyway, but the ice cream is a great idea :-)
Hugs to you all as you go through this difficult time.