Academic success and other parents

[ahisma]

If you have a child who is successful academically, how do you navigate comments from other parents? For context, we have three kids. Are are great, all have their own challenges. DS1 happens to be very intelligent and does very well academically. He's also working on not eating his own clothes or falling out of his chair (he's 10!), so it's worth keeping things in perspective;)

As he's gotten older, we've started to hear more comments from his peer's parents about his aptitude. This year in particular, we've heard a lot - it's as if people think that we haven't recognized it.

It's really awkward. We're in a very type A competitive environment so it seems to be a "thing." I don't want to throw him under the bus by listing off his challenges, but I don't know how to respond. I thought a simple "thanks" would suffice, but I've even had people ask about his standardized test scores (I'm not willing to go there, I just say that I don't recall, but that I don't put much stock in standardized testing.)

I do think that 99% of the comments are made with good intentions. He's an odd duck and has been very gracefully accepted, even embraced, by his peers and their families. I think the questions are from a "we love DS1" perspective...but I still don't want to go there.

And yeah - I feel like a jerk for even posting this question. He's not a perfect kid. He has plenty of struggles, it just happens that they're not in the area of academics.

[bisous]

Maybe something like "Thanks for mentioning that. We are proud that he seems to be doing well. We're just hoping that he can continue to try his best all throughout school." Then move on like it isn't a big deal?

[Corie]

How do other parents know about his intelligence and how well he does academically? I'm just curious because
I have no clue about other kids' academic abilities.

[hillview]

I think what bisous said was a good response. I think just saying "thanks, he seems to be having a strong year -- we have no idea where he gets it from"

[georgiegirl]

Fortunately, I haven't encountered that yet. DD (10) is universally loved at her school and very academically successful.

I would say something like, school comes easy to him. Or he's a hard worker. Of just thanks.


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[twowhat?]

No explanation or excuse or "yes, but.." needed!!

"Thank you, we're very proud of him."

"We don't discuss standardized test scores." (who the heck asks what your kid's test scores were???)

[MSWR0319]

We're having a similar issue. DS just tested gifted and is getting different work than most of his classmates. His friends know it because they see the teacher giving him a different spelling test or him reading a different book. I've had parents say things to me a lot more this year because of it. I feel awkward discussing his intelligence. So I always just say thanks if that would be an appropriate response or "He is doing really well this year." DS also has plenty of other issues that they are telling me are often correlated with giftedness I guess, but people don't see them because they only come out at home.

[BunnyBee]

"Thanks. Hopefully he grows up to be kind as well."

As for scores, I'd say, gosh, I don't know! Isn't that like asking what someone weighs? Then pointedly change the subject. So! Are you ready for the holidays?

[ahisma]

How do other parents know about his intelligence and how well he does academically? I'm just curious because
I have no clue about other kids' academic abilities.

It's a small-ish school with a heavy reliance on parent volunteers. It's very common for parents to interact with other students on a regular basis - in the classroom, in clubs, in after school events, at recess, etc. He's really mathy and is constantly creating complex equations to assess probability, etc. I'm sure they get an earful of math from him.

[khm]

How do other parents know about his intelligence and how well he does academically? I'm just curious because
I have no clue about other kids' academic abilities.

I think, like PP mentioned, sometimes the kids notice at school of a kid gets different homework or gets pulled out of class for a "special".

Off the top of my head I know 2 girls in my daughter's class go to the high school for a couple advanced classes. I only know that because she mentioned "Amy and Annie already know our awesome new volleyball coach, because she is also the advanced teacher and they've been going over there for X." I also overheard the 6th boys (new middle school) in my car discussing a recent breakout session where they knew group A was kids who are keeping up with middle school homework, but group B wasn't so they were getting some scheduling tips, and group C were discussing their upcoming advanced "specials". They were discussing it the realm of who had to miss more or less of what was a fun PE day, rather than focusing on the academic side. Lol.

Stuff like that, likely. I doubt anyone is grilling their kids about other kids, but stuff just comes up randomly.

ETA - X-posted with OP.

While I know these things randomly, and I'm sure others know random things about my kids, it being brought up is gross and rude and I would shut that down with vague platitudes.

I also kind of have an issue with how much the volunteers get to know.... it long made me uncomfortable, and we only really have volunteers for the younger grades. But, there always was a handful of volunteers that seemed a little too interested and knew a little too much. My kids are solidly "fine". Not first or last in class, but I still didn't love knowing that other moms had the kind of information they did. When I volunteered it was really up to the teacher, sometimes you just did little activities with the kids, sometimes you did stuff that I felt exposed an outside parent to too much info about a kid's grades and/or ability. I'm not sure what can be done about that though when volunteers are so sought after. But, OP, maybe think about where they ARE getting this info and if it might not be appropriate for them to have as a volunteer.

[Mommy_Mea]

We get this a lot with DS1, he is very bright and likes to talk people's ears off about his latest subject. I just smile and say "Thanks, he really likes learning about X." And then I change the subject. It isn't anything I try and talk at length about, because it isn't like we did anything special to make him so smart, and we have a lot of other challenges at home with his behavior, and emotional needs.

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[ahisma]

I also overheard the 6th boys (new middle school) in my car discussing a recent breakout session where they knew group A was kids who are keeping up with middle school homework, but group B wasn't so they were getting some scheduling tips, and group C were discussing their upcoming advanced "specials". They were discussing it the realm of who had to miss more or less of what was a fun PE day, rather than focusing on the academic side. Lol.

Stuff like that, likely. I doubt anyone is grilling their kids about other kids, but stuff just comes up randomly.

Yes-This exactly, plus whatever parents notice when they're at the school. I do know from DS2 that when they do the testing every few months, the score comes up on the screen. He know what all of his buddies' scores are. That's a whole separate gripe, but they do know scores. DS1 had never mentioned this, but when it came up at home he drew up his entire score report to show me (I had assumed DS2 was confused - my mind was blown to hear that they knew their scores.)

DS1 is his own person in a very big way. Sometimes he just blows up a project - like turning a 5 page project into a 30 page project. It all happened at school so I had no idea until it came home.

[ahisma]

I also kind of have an issue with how much the volunteers get to know.... it long made me uncomfortable, and we only really have volunteers for the younger grades. But, there always was a handful of volunteers that seemed a little too interested and knew a little too much. My kids are solidly "fine". Not first or last in class, but I still didn't love knowing that other moms had the kind of information they did. When I volunteered it was really up to the teacher, sometimes you just did little activities with the kids, sometimes you did stuff that I felt exposed an outside parent to too much info about a kid's grades and/or ability. I'm not sure what can be done about that though when volunteers are so sought after. But, OP, maybe think about where they ARE getting this info and if it might not be appropriate for them to have as a volunteer.

ITA. We've had a tremendous amount of budget cuts, which really take a toll on a small district. They've partially offset cuts by relying on parents. I'm not thrilled about some aspects of it, but it's better than the alternative, I suppose. It definitely does come at the cost of privacy.

[ahisma]

"Thanks. Hopefully he grows up to be kind as well."

I like this a lot, thanks!


As for scores, I'd say, gosh, I don't know! Isn't that like asking what someone weighs? Then pointedly change the subject. So! Are you ready for the holidays?

LOL! I wish I had the guts to say that - it's spot on.

[khm]

I wonder why they are mentioning it? Do you think they want "tips" or reassurance that they aren't missing anything they could be doing?

I guess I kind of had this with a sport my daughter recently took up. She didn't do it as a 7th grader, but did go out for the 8th grade team. Well, she came in and did really really well. Turns out she's just good at it naturally.

I kind of got the feeling that some parents wanted to know her secret, what was her training routine. Uhhhh, nothing. She practiced during official practice and not a minute more. Where it came from, I have no idea! I basically would say just that.

[gatorsmom]

We get this a lot about DS2 except it's not math, he's just very creative. Our school is small too so all the parents
know each other which is hard sometimes and great most of the time. Parents and sometimes teachers comment on DS2's ingenuity frequently. I simply say, "yep, you are right about that, he is a creative kid." And then I stop. Sometimes I'll add, "it will be fun to see what he does with it". Nobody really has much to say after that. And if they do, I just let them ramble. People would always rather talk about themselves and their own kids so I'm happy to oblige.

[ahisma]

I wonder why they are mentioning it? Do you think they want "tips" or reassurance that they aren't missing anything they could be doing?

I guess I kind of had this with a sport my daughter recently took up. She didn't do it as a 7th grader, but did go out for the 8th grade team. Well, she came in and did really really well. Turns out she's just good at it naturally.

I kind of got the feeling that some parents wanted to know her secret, what was her training routine. Uhhhh, nothing. She practiced during official practice and not a minute more. Where it came from, I have no idea! I basically would say just that.

Yeah - I think that's it, really. I know that some do ask if we work with him at home - we don't. We're really hands off in that respect. He runs his own homework, all I do is sign the planner. I think some wonder if we're tiger parenting him - we definitely are not. It's a really type-A school and I do think that there is some element of wanting to make sure that their kid isn't behind. What I wish that I could tell them is that giftedness brings it's own set of challenges and isn't necessarily something to wish for.

I get some of the same sorts of questions about athletics with DS2. Somehow that feels less awkward, although it shouldn't. I just say that all we've done is buy balls and make sure that he has good health insurance because I know a broken bone has got to be in his future.

[Globetrotter]

We are in a similar situation. It's quite apparent because of certain activities he does and also he gets totally different work from everyone else, and he does independent study for math to skip a year. I have even had parents tell me they want their kids to spend more time with DS because he is a good influence 🙄 That has always bothered me because that is only one aspect of his personality. fortunately he is social and athletic, so he has never had trouble making friends.

I just say yes, he loves to learn, and leave it at that. As for asking about test scores, that is bizarre. I would just say I don't know, does it matter?

I too wonder if people are trying to emulate your methods. I have had people ask me what did we do at home, and I just tell them that we let him do his own thing and have unstructured time so he can pursue his interests.

[squimp]

I agree that there may be some curiosity about what you do at home. It's interesting, I think there might be less of this with girls because IME some teachers seem to focus on boys in the classroom. Is there any chance the teachers are gushing over him in the classroom? We had a few cases of this in elementary school and it was really damaging to many of the other kids, especially some girls. A few of DD's friends were really bothered by this.

The good news is that by middle school, I think there is less of this comparative stuff because the kids move around so much, they take challenge classes or get to work ahead 1-2 years ahead in math, so they get grouped with their academic peers more. So there's not as much intense focus on the kids who stand out. They also have grades in PE and band and choir and art, which tends to balance things out a bit, it's not just about reading and math.

[Corie]

He's really mathy and is constantly creating complex equations to assess probability, etc. I'm sure they get an earful of math from him.


I love that!! :)

[StantonHyde]

wow, I think those people must be really insecure. I can't IMAGINE asking somebody about their kid's grades, let alone test scores. There are a couple of kids in DD's class who are really super bright. The kids all know who they are, and so do the other parents. With all 3 of those boys, I know their parents. They expect their children to do well in school but there is no "extra" anything. In fact, their mothers are all more concerned with the child's social development. I might say something to the mother that I noticed her son was having a good time at recess by himself or that DD really liked having him at her table because he really helped her with math problems and that he was nice about it. With DS, he will talk your ear off about science etc so most parents assume he is in advanced math etc. He has dyslexia so he isn't--and sometimes parents feel bad or awkward when I say that. (it comes up because a mother will say to me--oh my gosh, what are you going to do with that advanced math packet they got for the summer? And I have to say that DS isn't in advanced math because he has dyslexia. And they always look stunned. I am nice about it--I think they are just processing new info) DS isn't athletic at all but I like to talk to moms I know who have athletic kids and I can say how great it is that their kid is doing so well.

This isn't a competition. Every kids learns at their own rate and in their own way. When we all get to be 40, does it really matter????

To the OP's question--"thanks I hope he grows up to be kind too" is a great idea. But if I was asked scores, I would seriously have a pat answer like one of the BBB favorites--"that's an interesting question, why do you ask?" or just "why would you ask that?" Because that is just rude.

[cilantromapuche]

We get this and parents are very competitive when it comes to their kids (at least here they are). I just say that all we ask of our kids it that they work hard and have balance. I always mention "kids" plural because I don't want DD to hear these questions and answers and feel even more insecure about comparing herself to DS.

I do always mention that he is a hard worker because DS gets annoyed that people think it comes easy (he puts a lot of pressure on himself). He does many activities and 3 sports (2 varsity level since 7th grade) but I worry about him being too hard on himself.

[belovedgandp]

I've definitely used the "I don't feel comfortable talking about test scores" line. At 10 you're right on the edge where school kicks it up a notch. I noticed it about 4th or 5th grade where people started asking questions like that. It would come out when they'd be talking about taking over an hour to do math homework that DS1 didn't even bring home because he finished in class. Plus our school has some math competitions DS1 was consistently doing well in.

I think they were hoping to hear we had some fantastic tutor or program, but he just thinks that way.