How to help DD with stress at school?

[ang79]

My 10 yr. old DD1 has been having trouble sleeping and every night at bedtime she gets very worried and said she needs to talk to me. So we lay and talk together and she unloads worries on me (sometimes about not understanding something at school - she's a perfectionist, sometimes about the negative behavior of classmates that makes it hard for her to concentrate, sometimes about issues with friends - says kids make fun of her/leave her out). She's had a rough year in 4th grade (lots of chaos in class, not because the teachers are bad but just a bad mix of kids, immaturity, etc.). So many of these worries have been going on for awhile, but the sleeping issue is a recent problem, as is tummy aches before bed and she says sometimes at home and school she gets dizzy - which I think is her describing almost an anxiety attack, as it always seems to happen when she is worried about something. It seems that every night she comes home from school and does homework, then has a relaxing night playing with her sister, but as soon as it is bedtime she starts to worry about school the next day.

I emailed and talked to her two teachers today and they said socially she seems to do fine at school (has a small group of girls she hangs out with, is not alone at recess). Academically they feel she is very strong, but can see how she gets worried if she feels she doesn't understand something. They also said that in the past few weeks they have started prepping for the state tests that are coming up and wondered if she could be worried about that (which is probably accurate, she worried alot about them in third grade too). We have tried different calming techniques but she never wants to use them (taking a break from something to read or write in a journal, coloring/doodling, breathing techniques). Then I started thinking of maybe getting her a stress ball or fidgit toy to use when working on homework or while in class, but I'm not sure where to start. Any suggestions for things she try to help soothe herself when she gets worked up while at school especially?

[mm123]

My DD is younger (8 years old), but is also a big worrier, and is somewhat anxious. We read through this book with her, and found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488251232&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+you+worry+too+much+a+kids +guide+to+overcoming+anxiety

[RiverRat]

My older Dd is a worrier but younger than yours 7yo. To help her turn off "worry brain" I have to give her melatonin on school nights to help her fall asleep.

We were in a cycle: lack of sleep made the next day harder, came home and couldn't sleep because of a hard day. I'm so happy i started her on it. Weekends she doesn't need it to fall asleep unless we are going somewhere or doing something big the next day.

I still talk all the time to her about her days, but I feel this gives her a good sleep to get through the day.


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[jent]

My DD is younger (8 years old), but is also a big worrier, and is somewhat anxious. We read through this book with her, and found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488251232&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+you+worry+too+much+a+kids +guide+to+overcoming+anxiety

DD is a fourth grader too and very similar to yours. We bought that book ^^ I think 3 years ago (on a BBB recommendation) and it was very helpful. We don't pull it out anymore but when she is worrying a lot we talk about the concepts in the book.

I've also pointed out to her that she tends to worry more at night, right before bedtime, and that whatever is bothering her always feels better in the morning. Importantly, we talked about this in the daytime, NOT at night when she was having an episode at night where she was upset/anxious, and she could see that this was true. Then at night when she starts to get anxious, we talk about how "hey this is nighttime, when you're tired and everything seems worse" and let's put it off to talk about in the morning. And of course by morning it is not as big a deal.

[StantonHyde]

Try the book "Freeing Your Child from Anxiety". Very practical suggestions. Easy to read/understand. To the point, etc.

[ang79]

My DD is younger (8 years old), but is also a big worrier, and is somewhat anxious. We read through this book with her, and found it very helpful: https://www.amazon.com/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1488251232&sr=8-1&keywords=what+to+do+when+you+worry+too+much+a+kids +guide+to+overcoming+anxiety

We actually have this book, I bought it last fall when she was having a hard time and we started it, then life got busy and it kinda got forgotten (:oops: Oddly enough, she actually found it tonight in a book bin and was looking through it, so I will try to make time to go through it with her again. She had a really tough first marking period (adjusting to the new Intermediate school, new kids, loud class, etc.). Then she got busy with afterschool activities such as running club, orchestra, and girl scouts. I think being busy in those activities helped take her focus off of school problems. But afterschool orchestra and running club took a break during the winter. They are both starting up again in the next few weeks, so hopefully that will help as well.

After talking to her more tonight (and going off a hunch from her teacher), I asked if she is really concerned about her work at school, or about the upcoming PSSA state tests. She said she is worried that her class is behind in their lessons because of rowdy students, so that she won't know everything she needs to know for the test. Its going to be a long next few months, as the tests aren't until April and as a 4th grader she has to take reading, math, and science! I need to make a committment to trying more stress relieving activities with her at home and hopefully she can then try to use them at school too.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Oh wow! I had to stop reading and check the author's name bc this sounded exactly like our scenario down to the disruptive 4th graders and being behind on lessons in 5th for the same reason! We have that book on a rec from SIL and we need to sit and do some of it together. I need to buy and read the freeing book as well. I'm sorry she's going through it. It stinks to be a quiet, well-behaved kid whose peers are holding back your learning.

We are doing a math curriculum at home to make up for lost time. She both loves and hates it, but she does a couple lessons each weekend day when we have time and it made her test scores rebound to nearly perfect. I think she really feels better knowing at least her math skills aren't suffering from the chaos around her.


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[nfceagles]

This sounds a lot like my 3rd grade DD. She has melt downs at bedtime and many of her worries are about the misbehaving kids in class. She's academically strong but a perfectionist. Teachers don't see any problems. Some of the night time worries border on nonsensical so I never know wether to hear her out and listen or discourage it and try to get her to sleep. We have the book mentioned and I feel like when I give her a chance to share her worries, she ends up just dreaming up endless things to add to the list.

No help here, but it is nice to hear we aren't alone.


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