What would you have done?

[basil]

Picked up DS from school today, around 3:30. He is 5. They change into slippers or crocs for inside. So when we got to his cubby there were two pairs of shoes. I was sort of confused but figured he had ended up with extra shoes there between having snow boots, etc and took both pairs home. I asked DS which ones he was wearing and he said both.

Stopped at the grocery store on the way home and chatted with a neighbor before I went inside, so around 4:45. Then realized by DSs shoes were home so we must have taken someone else's shoes. Texted the daycare owners a picture of the shoes and said we would bring them back in the morning.

DH is very angry with me. He says I should have been more careful. I should have texted him to see which shoes DS was wearing before I took the shoes home (I had left my phone in the car). He says the other parents are probably upset and I should have driven back to the daycare to bring the shoes back immediately on realizing my mistake (no guarantee the other kid was even there by then).

Feel like I can't win lately. I guess I could have handled it better. Would you be upset if your unlabeled shoes got taken home accidentally by another parent? Would you be angry if you had to be the one to be "embarrassed" by bringing the shoes back the next day?

[MSWR0319]

I don't think this is a big deal at all. I think your DH is overreacting. You accidentally took a pair of shoes in your son's cubby that weren't his. You let the daycare know and will bring them back in the morning. I wouldn't expect you to do anything else. In fact, I wouldn't even be upset if you didn't let the daycare know and just sent them back in the morning. It's not like you were trying to steal them.

[hillview]

this happens. I would not sweat it at all. We have had this issue with boots. I now label every thing. Love Mabel's labels. DH being very upset is insane (IMO)

[BDKmom]

I don't think it's a big deal either. Stuff gets mixed around at daycare. Lots of kids, lots of stuff. They were in your kids cubby and you are taking them back tomorrow. Honest mistake.

[trcy]

I think your DH is wrong to be mad at you. Pick up can be chaotic, stuff happens. Bring the shoes back tomorrow and don't give it another thought.


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[JElaineB]

Seriously? Your DH needs to take a chill pill. A shoe mix-up at daycare is about the least concerning thing I can think of.

[jgenie]

I think your DH is wrong to be mad at you. Pick up can be chaotic, stuff happens. Bring the shoes back tomorrow and don't give it another thought.


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:yeahthat:

[PZMommy]

Not a big deal at all!! Mix ups happen all of the time, especially if things aren't labeled. Bring them back tomorrow, no big deal.

When my youngest was at daycare, there were a couple of times when a stray sweater/jacket would end up in his take home cubby, and my DH has no clue what clothes are his vs some other kid. I always just sent it back the next day.

[twowhat?]

Oh geez, seriously not a big deal. You did more than what most folks would've done by sending the daycare a picture and letting them know the shoes would be back the next morning! I would've just brought the shoes back the next morning with an apology!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Seriously? Your DH needs to take a chill pill. A shoe mix-up at daycare is about the least concerning thing I can think of.

Totally!!! Your dh needs to get a grip. It's no big deal.


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[specialp]

I would've texted the teacher (no pic) I picked up an extra pair of shoes just to keep her from looking for them. Then I would've asked DH what was really bothering him b/c this is such a minor thing. There has to be something else.

[infocrazy]

The solution here is for DH to do pickup...just kidding...

[barkley1]

I cannot imagine DH getting that angry (or angry AT ALL) for taking the wrong shoes home. 0.5 on a scale of 1-10.

[gatorsmom]

I don't think this is a big deal at all. I think your DH is overreacting. You accidentally took a pair of shoes in your son's cubby that weren't his. You let the daycare know and will bring them back in the morning. I wouldn't expect you to do anything else. In fact, I wouldn't even be upset if you didn't let the daycare know and just sent them back in the morning. It's not like you were trying to steal them.

ITA. If I got busy I might not have called the daycare. Mix ups happen ALL THE TIME. And honeslty, anytime we've had a mix up, I blame myself for not labeling our stuff. It happens.

[belovedgandp]

Definitely no big deal. Just take them back in the morning; way more stuff has gone home to the wrong house I'm sure.

It still happens at our martial arts studio with kids much older than 5. And they typically put their shoes in the cubby 45 minutes earlier and still leave with the wrong ones.

[elbenn]

The kids have boots, so it's not like they are having to go somewhere after school without shoes, right? Not a big deal in the slightest in that case.

[Philly Mom]

Your DH is being ridiculous and needs to be less controlling. Happens all the time and no one cares.


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[AnnieW625]

I think your DH is completely over reacting. We ended up with someone else's socks numerous times at daycare and I never noticed until they had been washed and dried. By the time I figured it out and took them back to the dcp she said no one had reported any socks missing so she said to just keep them. Shoes are different story, but yes just return them tomorrow.


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[DualvansMommy]

Add myself to the chorus, not a BIG DEAL at all! I've had quite few mix ups since starting my oldest in preK 2.5 years ago! and guess what? it still happens every now and then with him in kindergarten too. Arrival/dismissal time can get choatic easily, and it's the major reason why schools/centers want coats and such to be labelled for situations like yours. Easy solution, you already did the thinking. Tell your DH to read this thread!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Seriously? Your DH needs to take a chill pill. A shoe mix-up at daycare is about the least concerning thing I can think of.

Yeah that.

I can't imagine getting upset at a spouse over this. Was an honest mistake and it happens all the time. I'd be mad at him for making such a big deal. You are obviously trying your best. Seems like he is overly concerned over what others think?

[StantonHyde]

Oh geez, seriously not a big deal. You did more than what most folks would've done by sending the daycare a picture and letting them know the shoes would be back the next morning! I would've just brought the shoes back the next morning with an apology!

This is exactly what I would have done!!

[Kindra178]

It's going to happen 100 more times between now and high school graduation.

[MamaSnoo]

It's going to happen 100 more times between now and high school graduation.

For realz.......there are going to be so many bigger issues and mishaps throughout your parenting careers. Your DH should let this go!

[essnce629]

Seriously? Your DH needs to take a chill pill. A shoe mix-up at daycare is about the least concerning thing I can think of.
Yep, wouldn't even think twice about it and would just return the shoes the next day.

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[Tenasparkl]

We've ended up with so many things from other kids over the years. When DS was in daycare I got another kid's bibs all the time. I'd usually wash and then return. When DS has water play at preschool we end up with strange towels, tshirts, underwear etc. It happens even with nametags. Not the end of the world.

[ellies mom]

It isn't like you brought the wrong kid home. That would be embarrassing. Stuff happens. Bring them back the next day and tell him to move on.


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[Pear]

This stuff happens all the time. I think you handled it perfectly.

I am also a big fan of labeling everything. I recommend Label Daddy

[hwin708]

You could not have handled this better, and no, I would not be embarrassed. I wouldn't even apologize. You didn't put the shoes in the cubby. I would just say "These were in my son's cubby, I took them home and realized there had been a mix-up. Here are the shoes. You're welcome."

I wonder - has your DH ever dealt with any of the daycare pickups and organization? Because if this is shocking to him, I would guess that he does very little hands on parenting where the school is concerned. Otherwise, this has to be about some other issue, and he is just blowing this out of proportion as part of that.

[carolinacool]

Your DH needs to have several seats.

I also had a similar thing happen when DS was in daycare. In our case it took a couple of days to sort out. His jacket actually was labeled, but another little boy had one just like it, so it ended up on his hook and his mother naturally took it. I was a little eager to get back because DS didn't have another lightweight coat. But in the end, it all got sorted out. I certainly wasn't angry about it.

[trales]

You DH was totally out of line. I can't tell you how many we take home the wrong thing by accident or get an email from the daycare asking if anyone has seen a shoe etc. And our stuff is labeled. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Most people bring them back the next day or the next time they are there if they are a MWF or TR kid. You went way above and beyond. On the big deal scale this is a super negative value. This is just part of daily life with kids.

It's time for DH to figure out what is going on and get a handle on it.

[California]

Does your DH have anxiety? I can't think of any valid or reasonable reasons for your DH to be angry, but could see him wrestling with imaginary reasons to be anxious about it (have a DS myself who gets anxious.) That's HIS issue, and not yours, and no way should you be pacifying him, apologizing, etc. to his unreasonable reaction. You could be sympathetic if it's anxiety. Sometimes with my DS it helps if I ask, "And what are you thinking will happen?" Followed by, "And then?" And eventually DS will realize that he's not thinking realistically. When you say certain things out loud you realize how silly they are "The other parents will shun us over this! The director will be angry!"

My DS once came home in another kid's underwear :-) He'd had an accident at preschool and they grabbed undies from the wrong cubby. I had a good laugh with the preschool teacher.

[mom2khj]

DH is way over-reacting. This is a total non-event.

To answer the original question, I would've brought the shoes back the next day.

[basil]

OP here. DH was angry because he was worried that the other child would not have shoes to go home in. And I assume that he was worried the other kids parents would be angry that their child did not have shoes to go home. I think the other kid could have just used his inside crocs but that's why he was mad.

DH usually does drop off and I or my nanny do the pick up. He was mad because he felt like he had to "fix my mistake". But he brought back the shoes yesterday and I picked up DS. The teacher told me the reason things got messed up because they burned some cookies and the fire alarm went off and somehow in the commotion the shoes got mixed up. So likely she put them in the wrong cubby.

[khalloc]

Yeah. Your DH sounds like a piece of work. This type of stuff happens ALL.THE.TIME with kids in daycare,preschool, and up. This still happens to my 8 year old son! It will keep happening until the kids can keep track of their own crap. Totally not your fault. I'm worried about your DH because he sounds like he needs some anger management classes.

[TwinFoxes]

DH is very angry with me. He says I should have been more careful. I should have texted him to see which shoes DS was wearing before I took the shoes home (I had left my phone in the car). He says the other parents are probably upset and I should have driven back to the daycare to bring the shoes back immediately on realizing my mistake (no guarantee the other kid was even there by then).

Feel like I can't win lately. I guess I could have handled it better. Would you be upset if your unlabeled shoes got taken home accidentally by another parent? Would you be angry if you had to be the one to be "embarrassed" by bringing the shoes back the next day?[/QUOTE]

Honey, re-read this. This is not normal. It sounds like you walk on eggshells and he flies off the handle out of a fear of being embarrassed.

[schrocat]

My son's brand new unlabeled shoes got taken home by another kid and he came home in a pair of ill fitting one size smaller shoes that looked exactly the same. I didn't realize it until later because my husband picked him up that day and he's clueless like that. I was extremely upset. The difference between a worn out pair that's one size too small and his brand new expensive Stride Rites was very apparent. I emailed the teacher and the next week we got our shoes back. In the meantime I had to run out and buy DS3 a new pair of shoes that actually fit properly to tide him over the weekend. I cried. That is actually a true story and I don't think I was over reacting.

What was wierd was that the other parent never mentioned that their child wore the wrong pair of shoes home. They were probably thrilled to get a brand new pair in it's place.

That said.... you husband should not be very angry with you. It's a mistake. The shoes can be brought back to school in a timely manner. It doesn't need to be brought back immediately.

[123LuckyMom]

OP here. DH was angry because he was worried that the other child would not have shoes to go home in. And I assume that he was worried the other kids parents would be angry that their child did not have shoes to go home. I think the other kid could have just used his inside crocs but that's why he was mad.

DH usually does drop off and I or my nanny do the pick up. He was mad because he felt like he had to "fix my mistake". But he brought back the shoes yesterday and I picked up DS. The teacher told me the reason things got messed up because they burned some cookies and the fire alarm went off and somehow in the commotion the shoes got mixed up. So likely she put them in the wrong cubby.

As everyone else has said, your DH overreacted. He didn't need to fix anything. The concern he had was HIS concern, and that's about his own personality. You've got a whole bunch of parents here explaining that this kind of mixup is an expectation for preschool, not an anomaly. That your DH disagrees is his issue, and it's important for him to recognize that and not make it about you or the other parents. Even if the other kid had to go home in crocs, it would not have been any sort of tragedy! One of the most important things to learn in parenting, I've found personally, is to lighten up! Things become unpredictable. Everything doesn't run smoothly or the way you expect. Events you thought would be tremendous fun end up being disasters, and events you never thought would amount to much end up becoming family legends. It's really, really important to maintain a sense of humor, a willingness to be flexible, and an ability to pick your battles and determine what's truly important and what you can let slide. An overnight shoe mix-up is waaaaaay down there on the importance list, especially when the kids have another pair of shoes ON THEIR FEET. Crocs may not be ideal for inclement outdoor weather, but they are actual shoes. Also, most preschools have stashes of extra clothing. My kids have come home with "school shoes" when they had accidents or got too wet from outdoor play. I'd be shocked if your school didn't have extra shoes, jackets, gloves, hats, etc. in the wings. I think your DH was projecting his anger onto the other parents figuring that if he was so upset, other parents would be, too, but that's just not the case. The vast majority of parents would not see this as anything more than an annoyance, and most would see it as no problem at all. An overnight shoe mix-up is not a safety problem, a financial problem, or an emotional distress problem. It's just not a problem, really, at all.

[Green_Tea]

My son's brand new unlabeled shoes got taken home by another kid and he came home in a pair of ill fitting one size smaller shoes that looked exactly the same. I didn't realize it until later because my husband picked him up that day and he's clueless like that. I was extremely upset. The difference between a worn out pair that's one size too small and his brand new expensive Stride Rites was very apparent. I emailed the teacher and the next week we got our shoes back. In the meantime I had to run out and buy DS3 a new pair of shoes that actually fit properly to tide him over the weekend. I cried. That is actually a true story and I don't think I was over reacting.

What was wierd was that the other parent never mentioned that their child wore the wrong pair of shoes home. They were probably thrilled to get a brand new pair in it's place.

That said.... you husband should not be very angry with you. It's a mistake. The shoes can be brought back to school in a timely manner. It doesn't need to be brought back immediately.

Really??? You CRIED over a mixed up pair of shoes and you think that's a reasonable reaction? Why would you think the parents of the other kid had any idea that they had the wrong shoes if they "looked exactly the same" (your words)? If my kids came home with shoes that looked exactly like the ones they wore to school and didn't complain about the fit, it wouldn't make my radar AT ALL - and I certainly wouldn't be secretly rejoicing about getting a brand new pair of shoes. I probably wouldn't even notice.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My son's brand new unlabeled shoes got taken home by another kid and he came home in a pair of ill fitting one size smaller shoes that looked exactly the same. I didn't realize it until later because my husband picked him up that day and he's clueless like that. I was extremely upset. The difference between a worn out pair that's one size too small and his brand new expensive Stride Rites was very apparent. I emailed the teacher and the next week we got our shoes back. In the meantime I had to run out and buy DS3 a new pair of shoes that actually fit properly to tide him over the weekend. I cried. That is actually a true story and I don't think I was over reacting.

What was wierd was that the other parent never mentioned that their child wore the wrong pair of shoes home. They were probably thrilled to get a brand new pair in it's place.

That said.... you husband should not be very angry with you. It's a mistake. The shoes can be brought back to school in a timely manner. It doesn't need to be brought back immediately.

Why are you thinking the other parents were celebrating the mistake ("yay! New shoes!")? I probably wouldn't have noticed either. And if I had, we have more than 1 pair of shoes and we could have made do until the other shoes turned up.


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[jgenie]

My son's brand new unlabeled shoes got taken home by another kid and he came home in a pair of ill fitting one size smaller shoes that looked exactly the same. I didn't realize it until later because my husband picked him up that day and he's clueless like that. I was extremely upset. The difference between a worn out pair that's one size too small and his brand new expensive Stride Rites was very apparent. I emailed the teacher and the next week we got our shoes back. In the meantime I had to run out and buy DS3 a new pair of shoes that actually fit properly to tide him over the weekend. I cried. That is actually a true story and I don't think I was over reacting.

What was wierd was that the other parent never mentioned that their child wore the wrong pair of shoes home. They were probably thrilled to get a brand new pair in it's place.

That said.... you husband should not be very angry with you. It's a mistake. The shoes can be brought back to school in a timely manner. It doesn't need to be brought back immediately.

This happened to us but when I saw the shoes DS1 came home in I thought he had really played hard that day. The next day he got his new shoes back.


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[schrocat]

Really??? You CRIED over a mixed up pair of shoes and you think that's a reasonable reaction? Why would you think the parents of the other kid had any idea that they had the wrong shoes if they "looked exactly the same" (your words)? If my kids came home with shoes that looked exactly like the ones they wore to school and didn't complain about the fit, it wouldn't make my radar AT ALL - and I certainly wouldn't be secretly rejoicing about getting a brand new pair of shoes. I probably wouldn't even notice.

Yes. I do think it's a reasonable reaction. Money was very tight at that time in a HCOL area, anew baby with the accompanying medical bills to pay and two kids in very expensive preschools. Buying a new pair of shoes was painful. The shoes did not look exactly the same. The shoes that he came back with were extremely worn out. It was not my husband's mistake either. Those were the only pair of shoes that were left so the other parents made the mistake.

I'm not ashamed of saying that I cried over a pair of shoes. I don't care if I'm flamed or laughed at for actually doing that because it doesn't matter. It was something that made me feel sad at that time.

I laugh about it now. But then, looking after a new baby, it was something that was really hard to deal with.

I wouldn't rejoice over getting a new pair of shoes but I don't assume that everybody is honest. My kids have had good jackets stolen. We do live in a High Cost of Living area and money is very tight for alot of families here.

[schrocat]

Why are you thinking the other parents were celebrating the mistake ("yay! New shoes!")? I probably wouldn't have noticed either. And if I had, we have more than 1 pair of shoes and we could have made do until the other shoes turned up.


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I know that my son's pair of shoes looked very different in size and condition from the one he came home in. Any mother who pays attention to her child would have noticed the difference.

That's the thing. We didn't have more than one pair of shoes. He only had that one pair that was suitable for the rainy weather we have. We couldn't afford at that time to buy him more than one pair of shoes and he had just outgrown his old pair and I paid full price for that pair of Stride Rites.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I know that my son's pair of shoes looked very different in size and condition from the one he came home in. Any mother who pays attention to her child would have noticed the difference.

That's the thing. We didn't have more than one pair of shoes. He only had that one pair that was suitable for the rainy weather we have. We couldn't afford at that time to buy him more than one pair of shoes and he had just outgrown his old pair and I paid full price for that pair of Stride Rites.

Some of our back up shoes are like-new used shoes from a consignment store. I don't spend more than $10 on them. Just a back pocket thought.
Imagine though that you had a crappy day at work, you were running late, had a million things left to do, another parent or teacher was talking to you while you were packing up and your child was crying up a storm? In that case, the shoes just might not get noticed. We all know flakey, well intentioned parents too. :)
I guess since you knew were they were, it doesn't seem like a huge deal to get it sorted out without buying new shoes.
I cried over something really dumb today though so I do understand. You can't always control what will be that final straw!


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[schrocat]

I do think that Basil's husband should not have gotten upset with her. Mistakes do happen.

[carolinacool]

Schrocat, I get it. I mentioned that DS' jacket was taken. Money was tight back then to for us, and I really wasn't thrilled with the prospect of having to make an unplanned clothing purchase. I think we made do with a heavy weight sweatshirt for the couple of days until he got his jacket back. As with anything that costs money, missing clothes are going to be bigger deal for some families than others.

The OP's DH's reaction was still completely over the top, though, even if he thought the other kid might not have had shoes to wear home.

[TwinFoxes]

I know that my son's pair of shoes looked very different in size and condition from the one he came home in. Any mother who pays attention to her child would have noticed the difference.


I do understand not being able to afford a new pair of shoes. But the parents returned them, right? Do you still think they intentionally stole them?

I do think if people are super concerned about losing their kids' stuff that labeling makes sense and would solve a LOT of problems. You don't even have to buy labels. My neighbor (who's working on kid number four, a "surprise" 16 years after the 3rd) laughs at me for using labels. She's like "sharpies work great!"

[schrocat]

I think that the only reason why the shoes were returned was because I emailed the preschool teacher about it and she investigated. That's the honest truth. I don't think the parent would have swapped it back otherwise. I don't think it was intentionally stolen but I don't think it would have been returned if I had not made inquiries. That said, if I had not bought him a new pair of shoes, my son would have been without shoes for a few days over the weekend. We've actually had a few stolen jackets so I don't have much faith in the other parents around me.

[Kindra178]

Any mother who pays attention to her child would have noticed the difference.

.

You are kidding, right? Going forward, ask a friend for a pair of shoes their kids have outgrown so you have a back up or two. Or goto a consignment sale in your town and buy some barely worn shoes. The richer the town, the better the sale will be.

A few things. I rarely pick up my three kids from school and they have hw, travel and rec sports and music. I have no clue what my kids wore home today or yesterday or any other day. Honestly, if someone truly felt that they would have to steal my kid's shoes or winter jacket, I can honestly say they need it more than I do. I can borrow a jacket from a friend, order a deeply discounted one from somewhere or get one from consignment somewhere.


Shoes will get switched, even amongst second or third graders. Jackets get misplaced, hats get lost. Life with kids, my friends. Don't make them neurotic about this.


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[TwinFoxes]

Shoes will get switched, even amongst second or third graders. Jackets get misplaced, hats get lost. Life with kids, my friends. Don't make them neurotic about this.


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As someone who found a boy's jacket that I had never seen before in my clean laundry basket this weekend, I can attest to this. I have no earthly idea where it came from. I've asked the parents of anyone who would have been over to my house or in my car. It's a mystery. I'm going to just take it to the school lost and found at this point. It could have been in my house for a long time. But trust me, I'm not looking to steal anyone's jacket.

[basil]

OP again. FWIW they were nice shoes. I paid $65 for my son's :/ I would have been mad if his had been lost. But figured that the daycare could pass along to the other family that they weren't lost, just misplaced, and that they wouldn't worry.

There have been times I may have cried over lost shoes. A former nanny lost one of my daughters new crocs when she was a toddler then hid the other one to cover it up. I think I cried then when I found it.

but on the other hand my daughter lost her doll at daycare last week and "Julia" was missing for a night. They explained they would find her and DD got her back the next morning. DD was sad not to have the doll st bedtime but that's the risk of bringing a doll to school. She was back the next day discovered in another room.

Anyways, over now. I am just tired of not being good enough.

[khm]

Anyways, over now. I am just tired of not being good enough.

But this is in no way indication of you being or not being good enough! I don't know the backstory with your husband, but this is so not a big deal. I get it can be a bummer if things go lost at the wrong time, the straw and the camel's back and all that. But, it is COMMON as dirt for kid stuff to go missing.

Kid stuff gets lost, gets accidentally taken by a different kid, it gets left behind in any myriad of places. We've lost 2 nice school-branded sweatshirts in a past couple years. I highly doubt they were stolen, they just got left somewhere never to be seen again. Some kid might have ended up with them, who knows. When a 1st grader, my kid came once with an exact version of his Columbia fleece, except 2 sizes smaller. Upon questioning, he said Johnny has the same coat..... Johnny is a teeny sprite, yup, he had ours. It wasn't malicious, they were the same plain black coat among 6 or 7 year olds with the attention span of a gnat. The coats were mainly being carried back and forth at that time of year in case they were needed, the mom had no clue. She was not out to get a larger coat, she just plain didn't catch on for any number of reasons.

Not everyone pays that much attention to clothes, honestly. How many times have we seen complaints that "OMG you should see what Dad dressed Kid in?" Dad just doesn't see that X doesn't match Z and Y is 3 sizes too small. A lot of Moms are that way too!! A lot.

[KpbS]

Anyways, over now. I am just tired of not being good enough.

You ARE good enough. More than enough. This was a simple mistake that isn't a big deal at all. :hug:

[schrocat]

Basil - You are good enough. I went back to read your past posts. I think that you and your husband have alot of differences that are making you unhappy. I hope that you will find happiness.

I have never berated my husband for not making sure the kids come home with the right jacket and my husband would never scold me for bringing my child home with the wrong shoes if it happened.

[Tenasparkl]

As someone who found a boy's jacket that I had never seen before in my clean laundry basket this weekend, I can attest to this. I have no earthly idea where it came from. I've asked the parents of anyone who would have been over to my house or in my car. It's a mystery. I'm going to just take it to the school lost and found at this point. It could have been in my house for a long time. But trust me, I'm not looking to steal anyone's jacket.

A black cardigan appeared at my house and I can't figure out what child it belongs to. School lost & found is a good idea. I didn't think of that!

I've also cried over a lost shoe. DD was a toddler and tossed it out an open car door into a drain - gone forever!

[twowhat?]

Anyways, over now. I am just tired of not being good enough.

I am so sorry!!! You sound so sad :( I hope things get better.