How to get 12 year old to not lie

[niccig]

DS has struggled this year with telling us what's needed at school. I forgot to order a novel he needed, so he did tell me about the book, but rather than ask me when I was getting the book, he told a lie - teacher changed start date of the book it's in 2 days and not next week. I found out about the lie, as I emailed other moms with a FYI to get the book, to find out they had already started it in class. When I asked him if they had already started reading the book in class, he said he didn't know. Finally, he admitted they're on chapter 9 and he's been sharing a book with a friend. He said he made up the story so he wouldn't get in trouble. It was my fault I didn't order book when he first told me, so he wouldn't be in trouble and no need to lie.

He's been forgetting to give me notices and when I get an email about it, he says he didn't get it. I check back pack and there it is.

I'm now doubting what he tells me eg math test was pop quiz and not told about test with time to study. His teacher isn't most organized, so I can see him not being given notice sometimes, other parents feel same about the disorganization and we have been given last minute notice about some things. But maybe he was given notice of the test and he's lying to cover up.

I feel like I have to verify what he tells me with other kids/parents.

He's in 6th grade, which is last year elementary. In middle school next year, he's expected to be more responsible and I don't think we get emails from teachers like we do now. We never had issues in previous years, so this is new. I know about middle school brain, but don't think we will survive next few years.


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[rin]

This might sounds ridiculously naive, but have you tried asking him? My first instinct would be to sit down with him, give a little mini-speech about how important it is for everyone in the family to be able to trust what one another says and how important it is for everyone to tell the truth (we're a team, we need to know that what we hear from one another is true so we can all work together to make the best decisions for the family), then bring up this incident in particular and remind DS that you would certainly not have been upset with him and that his lie just delayed your ability to help fix the problem. I'd then probably just ask him if he has any ideas about what could help, and remind him that it's not that he would 'get in trouble' but more that your job is to help him become the strongest student/etc and you can't help him if you don't know what's happening. For example, you could point out that if he's forgetting things, you can help him think of ways to remember notices (i.e. maybe he could have a special folder where they go, or a notebook to make a note, etc); that you won't be angry with him if he tells you that he's having trouble remembering stuff but you need to know so you can help.

Huge caveat on this being of course that my own kids are much younger, so I have zero experience with the tween age group! This is probably what I'd do with my 7-year-old, but might not be reasonable for an older kid.

[StantonHyde]

I think there is something underneath this. Like being afraid to get in trouble, to disappoint. So ask him and see if you can uncover it. I can attest to the fact that my kids (ages 11 and 14) will think they did something or that they intend to do something--and then they don't. so it looks like lying from my perspective, but to them it is not. That takes a lot of repetitive education. And it only gets worse in the next few years. Sorry.

[Kindra178]

Would it help if you checked his backpack everyday with him? My kid is a year younger but in middle school with 7 teachers/switching classes throughout the day. On his school ipad, we go through his my hw app to make sure everything is done. It seems to me you are giving him a little more freedom and independence than he is ready for. ORganization needs to be taught.

[Green_Tea]

Am I remembering correctly that he might have some attentional issues? Or a learning difference? I find that kids that age fib/lie when they honestly don't remember things and then feel bad about it. My ten year old ADHD kid gets super defensive and is quick to lie if he forgets something and is afraid of getting in trouble. I agree with Kindra that he might not be ready for that amount of independence. Some kids are ready in 5th or 6th, but many still need more support and monitoring.

[pinkmomagain]

I was thinking ADHD and/or anxiety might be contributing to this.....

[bisous]

Would it help if you checked his backpack everyday with him? My kid is a year younger but in middle school with 7 teachers/switching classes throughout the day. On his school ipad, we go through his my hw app to make sure everything is done. It seems to me you are giving him a little more freedom and independence than he is ready for. ORganization needs to be taught.

This is a great point and a really good practice. I do this with my DS1 and it really helps.

It seems to me that maybe he is just unorganized and a little overwhelmed and maybe embarrassed by it? I would definitely try to figure out what is going on. Depending on what that is, it would necessitate a different response. I don't think you can ever go wrong with trying to understand first, then connect, and then explain where you are coming from.

[niccig]

Thanks all. DS tested a couple of year ago with some mild executive functioning issues, but nothing in realm with of needing services - most scores were average or above average, with a couple of lower scores showing a weakness, but not low to show a disorder.

DH talked with him more this morning and DS said he thought he'd get in trouble for not having the book. DH explained it's the lying that got him in trouble and not telling us the class had already started reading it, delayed getting him the book. We could've gone any time in last 2 weeks to get it.

I do think you're all right that he lied as didn't want to admit they've been reading it for 2 weeks. Or he thinks he did something so isn't lying as really thought it got done. He said he had handed in an envelope to his teacher several times, and it was crumbled up at bottom of his bag. Then other times he's very responsible, the teacher has told them to not give things to the sub, so he's asked to take things to the office as knew it had to be handed in that day. He told DH he's been sharing a book with a friend then borrowed a copy from the school library- so he found a solution.

I hope in middle school they have an app/web site to check things. DS has an agenda and used it until 4th grade as the teacher made them use it. In 5th and 6th grade, they don't tell them to use it so DS doesn't use it - he can remember what's for homework so is getting by now, but I know he'll need more organization next year. We and other families have had issues with the 6th grade teachers not sending home the weekly folder with notices. It doesn't come home or missing things. A group didn't get forms for picture day. So some things are last minute as no notice. But there's been enough times where DS hasn't given us something. I do think we need to check the backpack everyday.

It's frustrating as last year in 5th we got all notices, but thinking back, his 5th grade teacher sent home the weekly folder every Thursday. This year the folder isn't sent home on Thursdays. I just checked with another mom with older kids, and she said its like that with 6 grade teachers, it's not sent home as regularly, and I wonder if the randomness of when something gets sent home is part of the problem.



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[ncat]

We have been frustrated with DD and lying over the last year. The lies seem to be far worse than whatever she is lying about, so DH and I are really struggling.