Need some advice about alcoholic ILs

[gatorsmom]

I posted here last summer asking for advice how to help my MIL who was coming to visit with a bunch of family members. She had recently been admitted into a rehab program for alcoholism. ILs live in Tx, our family lives in Wisconsin so we see them 2-3 times a year for a week or so at a time. When she came last summer she was fresh out of rehab and I was trying to prepare my house to welcome and accommodate her. She was doing well for about 6 months, we just found out. DH called her last week and she was drunk. FIL knew she had been drinking lately and hadn't told DH. FIL admitted that he has booze around the house and probably could get rid of it (but I suspect he is a functional alcoholic) but he also admitted that MIL has been taking Ambien and then drinking herself to sleep. Before we found out about the Ambien abuse, we had been worried but wanted to let the ILs kinda figure it out on their own. They have other children and relatives near to them and they have fought this before. But now that she is mixing drugs, DH is desperate to help in some way. I have stayed out of this for the most part except to listen to him. But I'm concerned about DH because he has said more than once that he has to fix this. He says he knows his mother will listen to him. He has said twice that he is the only one she will listen to. I've tried to make it clear to DH that I support him trying to help and we will do whatever we can to help, but it's ultimately not his responsibility. It's likely that he can't change his mom. She has to change herself. I think he feels guilt there because he was a very difficult child (undiagnosed ADHD). He's flying down for a day to invite them to stay with us for a month (they are both retired) and get to know their grandchildren better (we have a very nice apartment about 15minutes from our house on a lake that they could stay at and have some privacy). He is planning to tell them he is very worried about them and hoping they will come more regularly to be in their grand kids' lives. We are hoping that a change of environment will make a difference in their life. Any advice on how to help would be appreciated.

But the main reason I'm posting is Im hoping someone here can suggest some books for adult children watching their parents fight this disease. The searches I did came up with books for adult children of alcoholic parents recovering from a childhood marked by alcoholism. I don't think that is what DH needs. I don't think MIL was struggling with this when DH was little. No one- including FIL's very chatty sister and her husband as well as her children- have ever mentioned that MIL struggled with this before so I think this has really only emerged since her kids were grown. I do know that DH's childhood wasn't easy and his family struggled but I assumed it was because DH has extreme ADHD. If DH was anything like our son DS3, then they had a very hard road. Our son is doing amazingly well now that he is in behavioral therapy and on Prozac and Concerta. But before he started those medications, we all walked on eggshells around him. But I worry that DH will feel like a failure if he fails to heal his mom or prevent her from further decline. I'm looking for a book to give him some insights.

Can anyone recommend one?

eta- I should add that DH is a recovering alcoholic. He hasn't touched alcohol in 12 years. His family doesn't talk about the fact that we don't drink or have alcohol around our house when they visit. He did go to some AA meetings but i think a lot of why he stopped was he expected better of himself and hated who he was when he drank.

[lizzywednesday]

Will he go to a 12-step like Al-Anon (http://al-anon.org) or something? That might be the best starting point for him to figure out his emotions (i.e. - why he has to fix it, not his parents, etc.)

I linked their site; they may have a reading list. I didn't really look.

I wish I could help with a direct book-recommendation, though and I apologize if the link to Al-Anon isn't what will help your DH.

[StantonHyde]

Two things--MIL is the only person who can save herself and DH is the only person who can take care of himself. You can give them all the resources in the world but they may not take it.

I would strongly suggest that MIL see a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction medicine. There are plenty of them out there. She either needs another stint in rehab (it takes an average of 3 times through a program before it is effective) or she needs intensive outpatient therapy. They have Intensive Outpatient Treatment Options--people usually go for 3-4 hours, 4 evenings a week. She may be able to get away with just seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist on an outpatient basis. But first she needs to be assessed. Mixing Ambien and alcohol is a big deal.

Then, the whole family (at least FIL and MIL) need to go to therapy. There is no way in hell she can maintain sobriety if he has alcohol in the house. No way. He is sabotaging her at worst, not facing his own problems at medium, and at best it is just wishful thinking. Addicts don't stay that way by themselves--somebody enables them. A good treatment program will mandate that they do couples therapy.

I would not push AA right now, she needs more. And frankly, it isn't always that effective. Vivitrol injections are highly effective http://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-144395/vivitrol-intramuscular/details
But it isn't for everybody and you should only use it when prescribed by an MD who specializes in addictions.

Your DH needs to go to counseling too. Just because nobody remembers mom being drunk doesn't mean she was always sober. She could have been drinking herself to sleep for years and if the kids were little, they would not have known. DH needs to get over his own guilt--and that takes therapy, not a book IMO. If he likes 12 step programs, then Al-Anon would be helpful for him.

Good luck!

[azzeps]

I think your MIL needs to go through rehab again. She needs professional help more than any change of scenery.... I mean, there are liquor stores in your town, too.... ask yourself how far sucked into this you want to get. My imagination is already running away with itself.... Could she do rehab near you guys so that you could visit/support? She sounds like my FIL. He had to go through rehab a couple of times before it stuck. I'm sorry you and your DH are going through this. It is so, so hard to want to help and fix, but we really aren't able to do that.

As far as a book, how about Codependent No More by Melody Beattie?

[123LuckyMom]

There is more and more and more evidence out there that there are drugs that cure or go a long way towards curing addiction. Though they may not address issues that led to substance abuse, they can eliminate cravings, and for many, that's enough. AA is not the only answer, and while AA alone has been a life saver for some, it has also been ineffective long term for many. Some of the drugs that work for alcohol addiction are naltrexone, vivitrol, topirimate, and baclophen. The last two are muscle relaxants, but in higher doses they work to eliminate addiction cravings and remove the desire for alcohol to such an extent that many alcohol abusers can continue to be around and even consume alcohol without risk of relapse (though there is a threshold of alcoholism at which total abstinence is still recommended.) These drugs, especially in concert with good talk therapy (trauma work, if necessary, or cognitive behavioral therapy) or with AA if the person finds the 12 step program helpful (which many women do not because it emphasizes powerlessness when they need to own their own competence) can cure addiction to alcohol to such an extent that there would be no problem with your MIL having alcohol available in her home. The drug cures the medical problem. The therapy addresses the behavioral issues developed as an addict as well as any underlying issues that may have led to turning to a substance in the first place.

It is, of course, not your son's job or responsibility to cure his mom, but he could certainly seek to help her research alternative treatment methods like the drug therapies mentioned above. Also, the more he learns about the medical model of addiction, the more he will realize that, though his behaviors as a child may have caused his mother stress, it was a problem in her brain that caused her addiction, not the stress. He's not responsible for a medical disorder that caused her brain to crave alcohol while another person's brain would have let her have a few drinks and move on. He's no more responsible than he would be for a tumor or a heart condition.

Many people do benefit from Alanon, but as with AA, many don't find the 12 step model helpful. Adult children of alcoholics (ACOA) is another organization he might prefer. ACOA is great for a child who grows up in a household where there is dysfunction from substance abuse or mental illness. (My experience is that people who grew up in households where mental illness or general dysfunction are present respond very well to ACOA and find it helpful, and it does sound like there was some dysfunction in his household growing up.) Here's a link to the ACOA "laundry list" of characteristics of people who have grown up with family dysfunction: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit-Laundry_List Your DH may see himself reflected in that list or not.

Your DH could also seek counseling, which he didn't do as part of his own path to sobriety. It's very possible to be dry (not drinking/consuming alcohol) but still plagued by the troubles that caused you to seek solace in alcohol in the first place. A good therapist might be the best place for him to turn.


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[StantonHyde]

ded.)
the more he learns about the medical model of addiction, the more he will realize that, though his behaviors as a child may have caused his mother stress, it was a problem in her brain that caused her addiction, not the stress. He's not responsible for a medical disorder that caused her brain to crave alcohol while another person's brain would have let her have a few drinks and move on. He's no more responsible than he would be for a tumor or a heart condition.

Your DH could also seek counseling, which he didn't do as part of his own path to sobriety. It's very possible to be dry (not drinking/consuming alcohol) but still plagued by the troubles that caused you to seek solace in alcohol in the first place. A good therapist might be the best place for him to turn.


Yes, I forgot to add that DH needs to get over his guilt because it is not his fault. I have a friend with a REALLY difficult child. Beyond stressful. She can drink and leave it etc. Her brain isn't wired for addiction. Your DH's mom's brain is. Some people just have that "switch" in their brain that can get "turned on". Others don't. Your DH didn't cause any of this. (I think FIL and MIL's relationship might have been a bigger stressor than your DH's behavior but that's just a guess based on what you shared last summer)

And DH definitely needs therapy to deal with those issues that led him to drink. For example, just because somebody binge eats carrots instead of M&Ms--the bottom line is that they are still binge eating to "stuff" feelings etc. Lots of people switch from alcohol to extreme exercise. And that works for a while but it still doesn't resolve the underlying issues.

Again--good luck. This is hard.

[Pear]

I understand why your spouse wants to try, but ultimately She is the only one who can fix this. Her husband can help by not having alcohol in the house.

I wanted to address your visit offer. Don't do it. Just absolutely, positively don't do it. Even with separate lodging it is a bad idea for them to visit for a month. The children don't need to be spending extra time with the alcoholic grandparents. I do take dd to see my alcoholic parents(mom sober, dad still abusing) occasionally, but I control the circumstances and they are never left with my child unsupervised. If it was my mother solo, I would trust her, but as long as my dad is anywhere in the vicinity, even if he hasn't had a drink yet that day, she gets a chaperone.

Until she decides to fight her condition, she has the potential to do real lasting damage to your children. Don't let your spouse offer them up in some misguided attempt to fix things.

[gatorsmom]

Thank you all so much for your insights and suggestions. I've been reading them to Dh and we have had some excellent talks. I'm looking into all your suggestions. I hate seeing DH struggle with this. So sad.