Technology Limits--Futile or Necessary?

[bisous]

DS2 is 9 and can play 30 minutes of computer games a WEEK. Yes, it is strict. We've felt the need to regulate him because he becomes obsessed, specifically with minecraft if he lays it daily. By contrast, DS1 plays every evening when the little kids go to bed and is very respectful and has plenty of other hobbies and fun things to do. I feel like he can responsibly play much more often.

DS2 wants to use tech any chance he gets. Lately he's been happy to write original stories in MS Word on the computer and I do allow him to do that. Now DH introduced him to a Wacom tablet and some free software and now he becomes angry or irritable if he isn't allowed to use it whenever he wants (it is on my computer that I use for work and for other things so not always possible). Which means I probably need to limit that to the weekends too. Yet, what does DH do? Works on a tablet (Cintiq for him but still!) all day at work.

Yet, I'm just so frustrated with his obsession. He is clearly gifted at using the computer and is very technologically savvy. I want to follow his interests but I am concerned with the ugly sides of his personality that come out AND if tech is available he doesn't play imaginatively, he doesn't play outside, he doesn't read, etc. These were huge important parts of my childhood. I want that for him to become a balanced person.

I guess I don't feel like I'm a "mean" parent. I think I'm trying to do what is best for him and I'm ok with that. I'm wondering if I'm making life needlessly complicated. I also feel pretty alone. I feel like when the older boys were little there were some parents that limited technology. Now that they're all older many of DS1's friends play pretty much all weekend long and after homework on week days. And here I am with DS2 and his tech time is so small. Maybe he'll get older and it will be more appropriate? He's 9.5 and in 4th grade.

[schrocat]

I limit technology for my kids. My husband works in the tech industry and he limits his sons' computer access.

[JBaxter]

I don't set limits but mine will self regulate. If I say your done they stop but most often they play a game with each other or friends then go out and play. I play candy crush myself more than 30 minutes a week Part of my 2nd graders homework is on the ipad/ computer he does math drills & spelling activities

[rin]

My kids are younger (4 and 7), but we limit technology. We don't have a hard limit yet (I'm sure as they get older we'll need to sort it out), but I'd say that they probably get about 2-3 hours/week of screen time, including our family movie night and a variety of kids' shows. They ask regularly to use the iPad, and I don't see any sign that they'd self-regulate; occasionally they'll wake up before we do on the weekends and as far as I can tell they'd just sit and watch movies/shows for hours.

I would probably be more open to 'creative' uses of screens (coding/games) than just vegging out watching movies, but mine are still too young for most of that.

FWIW, I work in tech myself and am by no means anti-technology, but I feel that (a) there's a difference between active and passive uses of screens and (b) reasonable exposure is totally individual. It sounds like in your DS's case, I would also feel uncomfortable with added screen time.

[hillview]

I don't really limit per se. DS1 has to have his homework done. If there are kids available to play with both boys will leave sceeens. Freezing cold day with no friends around they might spend several hours on a screen. If I say screens away. They go away no debate.

[georgiegirl]

My DS1 is exactly the same. He has zero ability to self-regulate and becomes obsessive/addicted. He's always asking for more, more, more, and will lie and try to sneak time. And he gets angry and argumentative when I take it away. About a month ago, DH and I decided he wasn't allowed to have any time on the kindle/iPad. None! He does get music on his iPad to fall asleep to, but I downloaded that program ourpact, so there's nothing else on it he can play. And he also stopped letting him watch TV, except he can have one show in the morning if he slept well the night before. He was very upset at first, but he's okay with it now. Although he does complain from time to time. DD has zero problems self regulating and will play for 20 min then play with friends or read books. Even DS2 who is only 3.5 can self regulate better than DS1. When the timer goes off, DS2 just turns off the kindle and hands it back. I've told DD she can only use hers for "fun" if DS1 isn't around, or else he'd get very mad. So I completely understand your restrictions. Some kids can't handle technology. It's addicting.


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[twowhat?]

We don't have hard limits but my kids could spend an entire day on minecraft if we let them, and YES screens somehow negatively affect mood. On weekdays the rule is that everything that needs to get done has to get done first (homework, music, dinner, showers, etc). THEN if there is extra time (usually just 10-20 minutes since they go to bed early) they can get on the computer. On weekends same rule applies but they can choose the order, e.g. if they want to spend part of the morning playing minecraft first, and then practice piano, that's fine as long as everything gets done. We also reserve the right to cut it off at any time for any reason!

Exercise is hard because we do have to make them get out of the house, and we have to go with them - no sending them out to ride bikes around the neighborhood like we did when we were their age. Sure, we need the exercise too but there are weekends I really just want to lay around and rot. Our kids are serious homebodies (even without the computers).

I'll admit that I don't mind Minecraft so much...mine actually like to get books and read and figure out command lines, etc...that's getting close to coding there and if they could get interested in coding, GREAT! What I can't stand is the Minecraft youtubers and all the videos - THAT we have to put more serious limits on.

eta: I think every kid is different and if you need to limit your DS to 30 min a week because otherwise his mood gets all messed up, then by all means limit away!!! We would definitely set harder limits for our kids if technology contributed to irritable moods (sometimes it does, but usually our kids are fine).

[doberbrat]

I think you know your kid and do your best. dd1 self regulates well. dd2 could sit on the computer/tv/kindle ALL.DAY.LONG

I dont have hard/fast limits b/c our life isnt that structured. Generally during the week there is no 'fun' 'electricity time'. They're limited to xtra math and a reading program that they do as part of their homework. After school we hang out at the playground usually until 5pm so plenty of outside time.

During the weekend, I allow them much more as long as they dont bug me. Before they start, they must read for 30min, do their xtra math, computer reading and violin practice. IF they argue with each other, refuse to let the dogs out whatever, then they are done for the day.

[Momit]

I'm glad I'm not the only one whose kid can turn into a complete monster when screens are involved. My DS could play Minecraft all day. We don't have an exact limit, usually no more than an hour per day. That seems to be a threshold where we can get him to stop without him completely losing his mind. He loves reading and sports too, but isn't obsessive about those like he can be about video games.

[ang79]

We are not a techy family. Well, DH likes to play computer games for hours on end, but the girls and I do not use tech or TV very much. They would much rather do imaginitive play, read, play games, do crafts, etc., than play on tablets or computers. They do use Chromebooks, Kindles, and Ipads at school, so I feel like they know how to use them and get exposure to them, but they choose not to in their free time. DD1 is in 4th grade this year and she was shocked by how tech obsessed most of the kids in her class are (have their own phones and/or tablets, talk about TV shows, video games, apps, and texting non-stop). And I substitute teach in our K-3 and 4-6 schools and I see and hear the tech obsession alot. I would do the same in your shoes (limiting tech), as you know that too much exposure causes him to be irritable, and keeps him from doing other things like outdoor play, reading, imagination, etc.

[maestramommy]

So, our kids are allowed to play a total of 30 minutes of any kind of gaming or computer use a day, on weekends or holidays. That means minecraft on the computer, typing their stories, using my old phone to make videos or play Bejeweled, or the Atari. DD1 is allowed to type for about 15 minutes in the morning on school days before she goes out to the bus. But she's pretty disciplined. But DD2 gets obsessed and needs tight limits that are black and white or she just has no control. She also gets very cranky after too much screen time of any kind, which is why we set these limits. They are also allowed to watch TV on weekends and Friday movie nights, which is independent of other screen time. But that has its limits as well.

We are a tech enough family, but we don't have tablets, and our phones don't have games for the kids, though Dh loaded google glass(?) and occasionally lets them look at stuff. I am on a committee for our school fundraiser, which involves as many raffle baskets as we can muster up, and we've hit a huge difficulty in coming up with baskets kids will be interested in, because it seems to be all app related. Seriously? I'm glad we set limits in our house, because our kids are able to cultivate other interests.

[ang79]

We are a tech enough family, but we don't have tablets, and our phones don't have games for the kids, though Dh loaded google glass(?) and occasionally lets them look at stuff. I am on a committee for our school fundraiser, which involves as many raffle baskets as we can muster up, and we've hit a huge difficulty in coming up with baskets kids will be interested in, because it seems to be all app related. Seriously? I'm glad we set limits in our house, because our kids are able to cultivate other interests.

One day while subbing in second grade, the kids had a writing assignment to write about a time when they had to work really hard on something. I let them share some ideas. The majority of the kids shared about either working really hard to beat a video game level, or to find a Pokemon Go character. I then asked if anyone had any examples of working hard at a sport, school, learning how to do something like a ride a bike. Out of a class of 20 only a few could relate to those types of senarios. Everyone else wrote about video games. I came home and told DH I was scared because these are the kids that are going to be in charge of the world when we are old (our doctors, lawyers, politicians, etc.). Same week a kid in a 4th grade class got into an argument with another teacher that they didn't need to learn grammar, math facts, etc. because if they ever need to know anything all they have to do is ask Google.....

[anonomom]

One day while subbing in second grade, the kids had a writing assignment to write about a time when they had to work really hard on something. I let them share some ideas. The majority of the kids shared about either working really hard to beat a video game level, or to find a Pokemon Go character. I then asked if anyone had any examples of working hard at a sport, school, learning how to do something like a ride a bike. Out of a class of 20 only a few could relate to those types of senarios. Everyone else wrote about video games. I came home and told DH I was scared because these are the kids that are going to be in charge of the world when we are old (our doctors, lawyers, politicians, etc.). Same week a kid in a 4th grade class got into an argument with another teacher that they didn't need to learn grammar, math facts, etc. because if they ever need to know anything all they have to do is ask Google.....

:47:

That seems extreme.

I keep trying to maintain sight of the fact that our kids are growing up in a world that is just totally different from what we are used to. I believe firmly that technology should be limited, especially in school, until kids get a strong grasp on things like basic arithmetic, the scientific method, writing, etc., but I feel like I'm in a shrinking minority.

We have limits on tech at home, but to be honest, I'm probably too permissive. The lines are just so blurry between school and home, especially with DD1. Her English class is online only, so she needs to be on the computer to complete her assignments, and the only way she can socialize with her classmates is online. They even have some progressive novel thing going in Google docs, where they literally all sit at their own computers and write a story together (each kid uses a different font). On the one hand, it bugs me that she's so into it. OTOH, these are her people -- a small group of kids who think a lot like she does and with whom she is totally comfortable. And it feels wrong to deny her that. So I try to make sure she also gets outside to play with the neighborhood kids for a few hours a day. And I will continue to hold a hard line on her getting her own phone/device for as long as is humanly possible.

DD2 and DS are easier to deal with, because they don't have computer work. DD2 likes to play on Prodigy, which she does in school, and when DS remembers to ask for the iPad, he can get obsessive. But both are very out-of-sight, out-of-mind. If I put the iPad where they can't see it, they'll often forget for days at a time that it exists.

[jren]

I recently had to limit DS (8) to weekends only due to changes in his behavior. He gets irritable with too much screen time. On weekends, we try to keep it to a minimum as well. He would sit for 8 hours and play video games if I let him. I also limit my 13 year old DD's phone use. Even for me, I find it easy to waste too much of the day on my phone, so with a kid with no will power, it becomes impossible.


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[bisous]

Ok thanks! It seems like there is a little subset of kids who just can't seem to handle technology and get obsessive about it. Out of curiosity, it seems like many of them are tween, rather than teen-aged. Would you say that is accurate? Also, I'm thinking about it and I started regularly giving DS2 time on the iPad in 1st grade at age 6. DS1 was 10 and my mom gave us the iPad for Christmas. The apps were all appropriate and we regulated the time. Still, his brain seems to have been more firmly imprinted by tech than his DS1 who started much later. Also, I'm not finding the need to get DS3 onto tech as quickly as I did with DS2. It is like I know instinctively that it is too early? Maybe these is just my family or these individual kids. I don't know!

I think my fears in limiting tech are rooted in part by my own fears. I tend to dislike tech and only know my iphone well enough to get by. I rather resent any changes because it means I have to learn something new. By contrast my kids actually enjoy that stuff! I think I'll just keep following the lead with DS2 that if he is irritable and can't seem to stop obsessing it is okay to put limits. Maybe as he gets older and more emotionally mature he'll be better able to manage. These things are so new that I don't think we really even have expert opinions on them yet. Your responses are invaluable. :)

[essnce629]

My boys are kids that do NOT self limit screen time and get easily addicted to it.

I've let them "self limit" during winter break, etc and what happens is 13 year old DS1 will play video games from the moment he wakes up till the second I make him go to bed. If I don't say a word he will stay in his room the entire day and night, won't get dressed, won't brush his teeth, and won't eat (besides grabbing a bowl of cereal and/or a string cheese). Same goes for 7 year old DS2 who will switch back and forth from the computer, tablet, TV, and PS4 often having more than one screen going at once and will not choose to do anything else (unless DH suggests going bowling). DS2 definitely gets an attitude and becomes irritable with too much screen time and can easily flip out if I make him stop. For that reason, DS2 is not allowed screen time on school days (M-Th). There's not enough time for it and once he gets on he doesn't want to stop when it's time for dinner and bedtime. DS1 is allowed screen time on school days as long as he's done his homework and chores.

On weekends I don't really set screen time limits and my kids easily play for hours and hours every day (like 6+ hours).

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