SAHMs, how did you find your 'people' after you quit your job?

[ourbabygirl]

That is, how did you find your group of friends to hang out with when you no longer had your built-in community or network of coworkers? I've been struggling after quitting my job, and moving. I no longer keep in touch with my old coworkers (other than by FB and Christmas cards), and we live around an hour away from one another now, anyhow. I have a couple of friends who I've met through my kids going to school or preschool with their kids, but we don't hang out often (once or twice a month at play dates or book club), and they're not the type of friends I could just call up and have a long conversation, or have a girls' weekend away with. Unfortunately, our neighborhood's houses are pretty spread out, and are a mixture of retirees and dual income earners with kids in daycare and school. We haven't hit it off, anyhow. And I was hoping to make some couples or family, or even lady, friends through church, but that hasn't happened. Hobbies like work out classes are hard to go to since DH travels for work a bit, and we don't really have the money for a weekly baby-sitter. I went out of state for college and don't see or keep up with old friends from there (which were all from different groups, anyway, not one core group of friends that I hung out with a lot).
We're looking at moving again, staying in this general area, but a different town, and looking for a neighborhood with houses that are much closer to neighbors, and many more kids so our kids will have other kids to play with (right now we need to do drop-off play dates, but luckily our kids play well together as siblings). We'll probably be picking a house more for the community/ neighborhood feel than the school district, since that's not how we did it last time, but I'd still like to figure out how to create more of a network for myself and a sense of community for our family and kids, in the meantime. I would *love* it if we could be in a neighborhood with other SAHMs, so we could chat and have a friendship, and our kids could play at each other's houses in the summer, maybe even take weekend camping trips together with other families.

I guess I wasn't prepared for the sense of isolation as a SAHP, and need to find out how to recreate a network of friends so I don't end up unhappy wherever we live. Any tips you can offer on how you deal with that would be appreciated!
TIA! :)

[hillview]

can you take a class or join a gym (and take a class)? or host an open house for your neighbors (put an invite into mail boxes)? Volunteer at a school thing? Is there a local facebook group for parents or moms you can join and see about getting together?

[specialp]

I still keep up with friends I knew in college and high school, but for post SAHP connections, exercise class (biggest one), parents of kid friends, and I volunteer at an organization (not kid related). I offer to have people over to my house all the time and try not to worry about how bad the house looks. Having people in your home and extending yourself like that (welcome to my mess!) goes a long way. DH and I have several couple friends that we met when moved here. I live in a great neighborhood, but only get together with the SAHPs (there are dads, too) in the summer at the neighborhood pool so the neighborhood has never been a good connection for me. My kids, yes, but not me.

[MSWR0319]

It's hard. I don't feel like I have any really good friends. No one I'd call up and ask to go away for the weekend. I have met plenty of friends though who I enjoy hanging out with when we're together. It took me quite awhile though. I met them through story time at the library, sports with the kids, and have also joined a local civic group that gets together once a month. I have also become more active in volunteering with sports boards and such and have made friends there. I volunteer at the school and have made friends with the teachers also. We recently moved into town from the country into a neighborhood with kids. I know a lot of the families but everyone is so busy with their own kids' activities that we just don't have a lot of time to get together. I did walk the kids down to one house when we had a day off and ended up staying and chatting with my friend instead of leaving, which was nice. Usually she's so busy that we don't get a lot of time to chat. I totally feel your pain.

ETA: DH travels regularly and has been gone the last 6 weeks including 2 weekends. It's so isolating even though I do get out of the house and socialize as much as I can.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I was the chair of our preschool's social committee. If your school doesn't have one, create one. We organized things like hayrides, nature walks and playground play dates. But I also organized parents nights out. We'd get together for dinner a few times/ year without kids. It was great!
I did the same thing with our playgroup. I organized moms nights out and over time, we really got to know each other. 13 years later, I'm still close with 2 of them and they're some of my girls weekend away friends now.
I put big effort in and it was worth it. Not only did I make some close friends, other people found their people too (always enough variety for people to click).
ETA- join local stuff (newcomers, pool, sports teams, library programs...). You just need to put yourself out there, make small talk and keep going back. I've made good friends in our community because we get involved.

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[Philly Mom]

I was the chair of our preschool's social committee. If your school doesn't have one, create one. We organized things like hayrides, nature walks and playground play dates. But I also organized parents nights out. We'd get together for dinner a few times/ year without kids. It was great!
I did the same thing with our playgroup. I organized moms nights out and over time, we really got to know each other. 13 years later, I'm still close with 2 of them and they're some of my girls weekend away friends now.
I put big effort in and it was worth it. Not only did I make some close friends, other people found their people too (always enough variety for people to click).
ETA- join local stuff (newcomers, pool, sports teams, library programs...). You just need to put yourself out there, make small talk and keep going back. I've made good friends in our community because we get involved.

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I agree with this. I work from home for myself so have no colleagues per se. I have old work friends but I have had to make friends with people around me. I try not to say no. I joined a book group where I don't know anyone. I sit outside with the kids and talk with the neighbors. My closest friends still don't live nearby but I have local friends for dinner/drinks and probably will become better friends as time goes on. Most of us have kids the same ages and met because of them in some way. Really put yourself out there. It's hard as an adult!


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[mousemom]

The isolation is hard. I joined a local Mom's group through meetup. They held play dates, parties and mom's night out type events. It was great because everyone was in it to meet other moms. Gave me lots of local connections and a couple of close friends.

[acmom]

It's hard. I don't feel like I have any really good friends. No one I'd call up and ask to go away for the weekend. I have met plenty of friends though who I enjoy hanging out with when we're together.


This is how I feel. I have a ton of people I'm very friendly with and enjoy but only one really close friend in the area. We moved back here (we are both from this area) about 5 years ago and while we have gotten to know a lot of people, I feel sort of stuck in that social friend level, never really getting closer. And I wonder/worry if that will ever change here. In our old neighborhood/city, we had 4 couples who we were really close to and all of us moms were at home or worked part time. It was so nice- I really miss it. Funny that I had the closer friends in a completely new city and after we moved back home, I'm actually feel a little lonely at times.

OP, I agree with what PPs have suggested about putting yourself out there in different ways, through volunteering, school stuff, etc. I do think that helps...the more ways you can meet people, the greater chance of finding someone you really click with. But I empathize with your situation as I feel much the same way!



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[AustenFan]

I have been there five times (!), because I've been a SAHM for 10 years now, and while DH immediately has colleagues to talk to, every time we move, I have to start fresh in each new place. You mention church, so I would recommend looking into getting involved there beyond just attending on Sunday morning (which I find to be a hard time to actually get to know people). We have made couple/family friends at church through getting involved in weeknight small groups (they have different names at every church--small group, growth group, community group, kingdom group!--but basically they're an attempt to cultivate community with a few other couples/families). I tried MOPS when my kids were little, but I seem to have just hit cliquey groups that didn't work for me, so that was a bust, but I made some great, life-long friends at weekday women's Bible studies in various places we've lived. The ones that meet during the day are going to be attended by older women (which I always value as friends because they have more flexibility than I do and often love being surrogate grandmas to my kids) and SAHMs. I did a parenting one when we lived in Chicago that met on Wed mornings and obviously catered to the sahm/part-time wohm crowd, and that was great. We have met and made good friends at the park and at the library, but that's totally unpredictable. Agree with PP about inviting people into my house, mess and all. Here in SoCal, I struggled to connect with Stroller Strides, MOPS, various meet-up groups, book clubs, other sports/class parents, etc, and finally found my people at Community Bible Study. There are CBS groups all over the world, and they're purposefully nondenominational, open to all. Honestly, that's the social highlight of my week, and it's good for my kids, too.

I just want to encourage you that you really have TWO huge things going on simultaneously--moving (which is hard even if you're used to being a SAHP) and transitioning from working to SAH (which is a huge adjustment). It takes me at least a year every place I've lived to find my groove and my people. Actually, it took me three years here in SoCal. Ugh, I hate to say it, but these things just take a stinking long time. The best is if you can find another friend who doesn't have a friend circle yet and needs you as a friend as much as you need her. Bonus if your kids and spouses like each other. It's hard to break into communities when people already have "enough" friends and don't feel the need to invest in new ones. Hugs!

[Snow mom]

Ugh, I hate to say it, but these things just take a stinking long time. The best is if you can find another friend who doesn't have a friend circle yet and needs you as a friend as much as you need her. Bonus if your kids and spouses like each other. It's hard to break into communities when people already have "enough" friends and don't feel the need to invest in new ones. Hugs!
I agree with a lot of this and sediments expressed above about putting yourself out there/ taking the first step. It's always taken me at least six months to feel like I'm starting to find a tribe, often at least a year, and that's with a work community. Our last move I stopped working and it was hard. Where we live people who are "from" there already have plenty of friends, and while many are plenty nice they don't need more people to socialize with. Our friend group is all transplants. Rather than finding someone who also knew no one, our first close friends were through a friendly, outgoing mom who brought us into her already existing friend group. I'm sure there's no single formula for finding friends but the main thing is to go out and make contact with people. It's okay to be the one to ask, the one to invite, etc. My personality is not at all that way but I'm getting more used to it. The other thing is to not let lack of response get to you. People are busy and if someone doesn't respond right away they aren't stewing over how much they dislike you or avoiding you. I think the thing that limits newer friendships the most is thinking you are putting in more effort than the other and pulling back in response. If you want a group of friends that does mom's night once a month you need to start inviting people to go out to that situation--you can't expect friends you see at the library to morph into the type of friends you want unless you invite them to do the things that you hope to do with your friends.

[Momit]

It has taken a while, but I have a great group of friends from DS's school community. Some are the parents of his close friends, others are moms I have met at events or in the neighborhood. Most of us are active volunteers at school and either SAH or work part time.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think there's a one size fits all answer. I have a group of six friends in our neighborhood, and we are super close. My across the street neighbor knocked on my door one day, and invited me to something I wasn't particular interested in, I said yes, and the rest is history. So, sometimes you find friends when you're not doing something you particularly love, so give everything a chance.

There are other moms who are now friends who've asked me to lunch when I don't really feel like it and I say yes. Also, I put myself out there and talk to people and I'm sure to introduce myself to people, even ones who I've met before in case they forgot my name. I tend to be outgoing though, so I do feel lucky in that way.

[MamaSnoo]

Give some of the working neighbors moms a shot! I know their schedules are different from yours, and you might not be able to get together during the school/workday, but I think I lot of the working moms I know feel this way at times. I can be isolating to spend almost all your time on professional efforts and your DH/DCs and housework. I'd love to have a mom friend from outside of my work to chat with or get together for a glass of wine!

[Philly Mom]

Give some of the working neighbors moms a shot! I know their schedules are different from yours, and you might not be able to get together during the school/workday, but I think I lot of the working moms I know feel this way at times. I can be isolating to spend almost all your time on professional efforts and your DH/DCs and housework. I'd love to have a mom friend from outside of my work to chat with or get together for a glass of wine!

I agree with this. I have really appreciated being included by SAHMs. Working moms can have dinner/drinks.


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[123LuckyMom]

I think the hardest part for me is moving the relationship from acquaintance to friend. It requires more than lots of bumping into each other or meeting at school or group events to make a friend. You have to actually invite the person to do something specific with you like getting a coffee or a drink, then maybe a lunch or evening out, but the best thing is inviting someone to your home. It's kind of like dating. You're never going to marry a guy you keep flirting with at the gym if you never go out on a date or hang out in each other's homes, right? To make friends you're going to have to ask people who are currently acquaintances out and go on some "dates!" It would be nice if acquaintance relationships would morph into friendships, and sometimes they do, but it's pretty rare for that to happen without someone stepping out on a limb and issuing an invitation.


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[DualvansMommy]

I used to have a wide circle of coworkers when I was working, in addition to my core girlfriend group. The coworker friendships gotten harder to maintain for me once I became SAHM 5 years ago. I still have my "local" core group of girlfriends, but 4 out of 6 are working moms so we don't meet up all that often. Every 2 months is our goal, even if it's just for lunch.

For me, the issue is compounded by my own desire to be around other deaf people. I've had enough of a lifetime trying to fit in the hearing world, by making accommodations for them to feel comfortable to have me as their friend. So over it, so that greatly limited my real local neighborhood friends. I'm ok with that, but do agree with other pp that you have to put yourself in more different social settings. Book clubs? I know some book clubs take turns hosting in their home with fun cocktails and nipples, that kind of environment tend to lend well to deeper friendships. School moms? For me with DS1 school, surprisedly I've developed fairly two moms friendships simply because we found out we were also members to the same country club. Even though one mom left the school to go public district for her son last year, as will I this coming fall. We still maintain our friendship year round at the cc. The cc/community pool is another great place to connect.


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[smilequeen]

When my youngest was a baby I actually managed to make a group of mom friends at Gymboree class. I am pretty shy, but that playgroup lasted until we moved when he was 4.5. Now, the best places to make mom friends is school. I volunteered a lot, went on the field trips, etc. and got to know people. We had a lot of organized preschool playdates back when we first got here too (DS1 was in his last year of preschool). As they've gotten older, baseball and hockey parents are who I spend the most of my time with. Then a business organization my husband is involved with has spouse activities (the husbands of the female members rarely show up, so it's all wives). Many of us are SAHMs who left great careers for similar reasons, so that's been really great for me too. When I was working though, I didn't have a lot of built in friends. I got along with everyone but as a dentist, everyone worked *for* me so it wasn't as easygoing you know?

[bisous]

I've got a serious group of girlfriends for the first time ever as a married lady right now. It all started with a book club. I found a bunch of moms, some SAH and some WAH, actually some aren't even moms, that like to read and discuss literature started getting together. We invite new people all the time but this one core group just kind of sticks together and occasionally we get a new friend that likes to do what we do. We basically get together once a month and just TALK until 2 or 3 in the morning. Several of those hours might be discussing the book but it devolves into just life in general. It is really fun.

Prior to that I didn't really have a group, per se but I had plenty of friends and I didn't feel lonely. My friends are a random group. I might connect with someone from DC's school that I work with on a project, or my next door neighbor who is nearby and helpful, or I have a really strong relationship with ladies in my church. I recommend providing service as a way to gain friends. I find that the people that I serve, by babysitting, or bringing meals, or working on committees with, or being neighborly, are the people that I feel truly close to. I really do try to do things to be a decent human but I feel like the payback is amazing. It does take time but just like I tell my kids, the best way to gain a friend is to be one. I also find that I'm usually wrong about who become my real friends. i might meet someone who has similar surface interests as me but we might not click whereas a lot of my friends are actually very different than I am. It takes time to get to know people.

Good luck OP!