WWYD: Grandma wants DD to spend the night; DD doesn't want to

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

Hi everyone,
My mom and I don't have the best relationship. She keeps trying to parent me (i.e., telling me what to do), and i'm 43 years old! I try to limit my time with her.

She's been after my DD to come over and spend the night along with DD's cousin. Mom cornered DD at the last family party and asked DD if she wanted to. DD hesitated, and Mom told her "say yes". Of course DD, being a good girl, said yes.

I asked DD later if she really wanted to spend the night, and she said not really.

My mom is now after me to pin down an overnight date, saying that my DD "wants to".

WWYD?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Have her go. It sounds like you have your issues with your mom but you might as well try for your dd to have a good relationship with her. It's one night. It won't kill her- and she might just like it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[bisous]

Oh that's funny. I was just thinking the opposite of snugglebuggles. If my DD didn't want to go, I'd let her decide. If grandma's house is really appealing, she'd want to go, right?

[Philly Mom]

Oh that's funny. I was just thinking the opposite of snugglebuggles. If my DD didn't want to go, I'd let her decide. If grandma's house is really appealing, she'd want to go, right?

I agree. Unless I had childcare issues and needed my mom to watch a kid, I wouldn't push. I say this and I have a very good relationship with my parents and in laws.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[petesgirl]

I wouldn't make her either. I would just tell grandma that the sleepover will have to wait because life is crazy right now (or that DD doesn't quite feel comfortable sleeping away from home yet, if grandma can handle that answer without making DD feel bad about it).

OP, I'm NOT saying this is your situation at all but because of a family situation of *mine* involving child sexual abuse, I try to pay attention to and respect my children's feelings of discomfort in situations like this.

[lalasmama]

How old is DD? Can she say why she doesn't want to go? Is it a "I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO! DON'T MAKE ME!" or is an "Eh, no, I don't really want to go, but I will if I have to" response?

As a young grandmother, we've had our grandkids not want to come over. Largely because we have more expectations/routines than their parents do, and they (even at 4 and 5) don't want to be without their tablets for a few hours, so they say they don't want to come over. And then once they get here, and are playing with the different toys, or playing on the swingset, or eating ice cream on the couch while snuggling and watching a movie, they forget they fussed about ever coming over. ...

DD didn't want to go to my dad's house overnight either. But she pointed out she didn't like sleeping on the couch, and grandpa's house smelling funny (6 adults lived in the house, and 5 of them were outside smokers, so it can definitely smell different than our Scentsy-infused, smoke-free house!).

So, I think finding out "why" would be the first piece of deciding whether to "make" her go or not.

[California]

How about a mock-sleepover to test the waters? DD can bring her PJs, hang out for an evening, and then come home to sleep in her own bed. She may find that easier to do than a full sleepover. Your mom may push that DD needs to spend the night. Just keep saying, "Let's make this wonderful, finish on a good note, and then maybe next time she'll feel 100% ready for a sleepover."

And for you, may I gently suggest that you check out "Living Nonviolent Communication" for tips on talking with your mom. The author includes some scenarios that sound similar to yours, and you may find it helps.

[HannaAddict]

Hi everyone,
My mom and I don't have the best relationship. She keeps trying to parent me (i.e., telling me what to do), and i'm 43 years old! I try to limit my time with her.

She's been after my DD to come over and spend the night along with DD's cousin. Mom cornered DD at the last family party and asked DD if she wanted to. DD hesitated, and Mom told her "say yes". Of course DD, being a good girl, said yes.

I asked DD later if she really wanted to spend the night, and she said not really.

My mom is now after me to pin down an overnight date, saying that my DD "wants to".

WWYD?

Don't do it. Avoid, be busy, evade, if you don't want to or your daughter doesn't want to. Grandparents don't have right to have her spend the night. Good luck and just remember you are in charge and the more she pushes the less likely it is to ever happen.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[SnuggleBuggles]

I feel like OP could be steering her dd's relationship with grandma. OP second guessing her dd's yes to her grandma might have put her dd in an uncomfortable position. Really, it's one night. If it sucks, she doesn't have to do it again. I just don't see this as a big deal or something to work hard to avoid.
ETA- I think OP's kiddo, if I'm remembering right, isn't little and would likely totally fine sleeping over at someone's house.
I also think at a certain age, hanging with grandma would naturally be low on the list of favorite things to do, hence the potential "not really". I'm just picturing a preteen/ teen shrugging not bc there's anything wrong with going to grandmas but just because they'd rather not. That's not a compelling reason to avoid, imo.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Some of my best memories are of sleeping over at my grandmas house.

[HannaAddict]

I feel like OP could be steering her dd's relationship with grandma. OP second guessing her dd's yes to her grandma might have put her dd in an uncomfortable position. Really, it's one night. If it sucks, she doesn't have to do it again. I just don't see this as a big deal or something to work hard to avoid.
ETA- I think OP's kiddo, if I'm remembering right, isn't little and would likely totally fine sleeping over at someone's house.
I also think at a certain age, hanging with grandma would naturally be low on the list of favorite things to do, hence the potential "not really". I'm just picturing a preteen/ teen shrugging not bc there's anything wrong with going to grandmas but just because they'd rather not. That's not a compelling reason to avoid, imo.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I just don't think what a pressuring grandparent wants trumps what the kid wants. If the grandparents are awesome the kids will want to stay over. Kids want to see and stay with good grandparents. I had a great relationship with mine but have seen many grandparents that I wouldn't force my kid to hang out with for an extended time after seeing how they treat the kids - often wanting to make them have certain rules or whatever their parents don't have.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[georgiegirl]

I would most definitely not make her go if she doesn't want to go.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[pinkmomagain]

I just don't think what a pressuring grandparent wants trumps what the kid wants. If the grandparents are awesome the kids will want to stay over. Kids want to see and stay with good grandparents. I had a great relationship with mine but have seen many grandparents that I wouldn't force my kid to hang out with for an extended time after seeing how they treat the kids - often wanting to make them have certain rules or whatever their parents don't have.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree with this. If my kid told me they did not want to go, I would not make them go. It's not like it's a necessity.

[BunnyBee]

Heck no based on the cornering and overbearing behavior. Tell mom to back off.

[acmom]

I would go with whatever DD really wants...if she changes her mind and is interested in doing it, I'd be supportive. But if she doesn't want to, I would respect that and tell my mother/MIL that she wasn't up for that yet and they could do something else special together.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[DualvansMommy]

It would be entirely different if OP had a good relationship with her own mom aka the grandma, then I would say give it a go. But like my own relationship with mum isn't the best, who is overbearing and manipulative. If your DD is older like 7,8,9 or 10 then ask her why. I really believe in fostering trust between my child and self, so that my kid will always know I have his back no matter what. By "forcing" my kid to do a sleepover at grandma undermines that.

Trust your instincts. You don't need to be "nice" to appease your mom. I did that with my FIL and regret it after finding out he moved my then 4 year old BOOSTER seat in his front passenger seat. I had doubts before, but I was too "nice" to call him on prior minor infractions, so I regret that. Not saying it's your situation, but just because they're grandparents doesn't get to have carte Blanche over your kid.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[jgenie]

I wouldn't make her go. There are enough things that we have to make kids do. I try really hard to let my kids make the decisions when they can.

[trcy]

I wouldn't make her go. There are enough things that we have to make kids do. I try really hard to let my kids make the decisions when they can.

Totally agree. Save your battles for things you need to.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[gymnbomb]

How old is DD? Can she say why she doesn't want to go? Is it a "I REALLY DO NOT WANT TO GO! DON'T MAKE ME!" or is an "Eh, no, I don't really want to go, but I will if I have to" response?

As a young grandmother, we've had our grandkids not want to come over. Largely because we have more expectations/routines than their parents do, and they (even at 4 and 5) don't want to be without their tablets for a few hours, so they say they don't want to come over. And then once they get here, and are playing with the different toys, or playing on the swingset, or eating ice cream on the couch while snuggling and watching a movie, they forget they fussed about ever coming over. ...

DD didn't want to go to my dad's house overnight either. But she pointed out she didn't like sleeping on the couch, and grandpa's house smelling funny (6 adults lived in the house, and 5 of them were outside smokers, so it can definitely smell different than our Scentsy-infused, smoke-free house!).

So, I think finding out "why" would be the first piece of deciding whether to "make" her go or not.

I agree, I would want to know why and how strongly she didn't want to. Is she nervous? Doesn't want to miss something at home? Doesn't want to hang out with cousin? Like will it be a totally miserable experience for her, or does she just need a little nudge to try new things?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TwinFoxes]

I feel like OP could be steering her dd's relationship with grandma. OP second guessing her dd's yes to her grandma might have put her dd in an uncomfortable position.

I don't think OP should "make" her daughter go, but I totally agree with this. Obvioulsly OP has been keeping her daughter from the sleepover because of her own issues. Did Gm corner the girl, or just ask her? (who I think isn't a little kid, but may be misremembering). Was DD saying yes because she's a "good girl" or saying no to her mom because she knows how her mom feels and doesn't want to upset her mom. I don't think a GP automatically gets overnights, but I think OP should look long and hard at the situation and figure out if it's her influence that's making her daughter not want to go.

OP, how would feel if she goes, has fun, and wants to strengthen her relationship with your mom?

[Momit]

I don't think OP should "make" her daughter go, but I totally agree with this. Obvioulsly OP has been keeping her daughter from the sleepover because of her own issues. Did Gm corner the girl, or just ask her? (who I think isn't a little kid, but may be misremembering). Was DD saying yes because she's a "good girl" or saying no to her mom because she knows how her mom feels and doesn't want to upset her mom. I don't think a GP automatically gets overnights, but I think OP should look long and hard at the situation and figure out if it's her influence that's making her daughter not want to go.

OP, how would feel if she goes, has fun, and wants to strengthen her relationship with your mom?

I agree with this. I have a great relationship with my mom and dad, and they are wonderful grandparents. They live in another state and love when DS calls to talk with them on the phone. Lately it has been a struggle to get him to stop what he's doing and make the time to talk to them - he would rather go play with a friend or play video games. But when he ends up making the call he talks to them for a while and enjoys the time. He just needs that little push to do it.

[div_0305]

Has the cousin said yes and given a date, and is your DD close to her? that might make it more fun for her. I don't know what to say. Even if I don't always see eye to eye with my parents they have a completely separate relationship with my kids--who beg to go over there for a sleepover. You know, lots of treats I limit at home, lax rules, and lots of attention. They are treated like celebrities over there.

[StantonHyde]

You are all assuming that grandma will treat the DD well. We don't know that. Maybe she will. My grandmother had a bad relationship with my dad but she was an amazing grandmother. My father was horrific to me. I have kept a relationship with him so he could have a chance to be a grandfather. It is awful. The kids do not like him. And I have said little to nothing about him because I wanted them to make up their own minds. They have. He has not changed. They don't want to spend the night at his house and I am not going to make them. Not every grandparent is awesome and wonderful.

[SnuggleBuggles]

You are all assuming that grandma will treat the DD well. We don't know that. Maybe she will. My grandmother had a bad relationship with my dad but she was an amazing grandmother. My father was horrific to me. I have kept a relationship with him so he could have a chance to be a grandfather. It is awful. The kids do not like him. And I have said little to nothing about him because I wanted them to make up their own minds. They have. He has not changed. They don't want to spend the night at his house and I am not going to make them. Not every grandparent is awesome and wonderful.

It really doesn't sound like the case here. OP didn't raise any red flags.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[TwinFoxes]

You are all assuming that grandma will treat the DD well. We don't know that.

Well, yeah I did, because the OP didn't say she was worried about that. I think it's pretty obvious that if that's a concern, I would absolutely not think OP should allow her daughter to spend time with her mother. And I assume the OP wouldn't even have bothered asking, if that was a concern.

[firstbaby]

It would depend for me what her relationship is like with your daugher. Is she attentive or overbearing? Does she have boundary issues? I realized within the last 2 years that my mom is NPD and many times wants to spend time with my kids to meet *her* needs but isn't very healthy for my children to be around. If she is coming from a good place, I would try to put my feelings aside and talk to DD about giving the sleep over a try. I would not cajole her or force the issue. I would also think about if there's a way to set them up to succeed for a sleepover like making a dinner together that DD enjoys or watching a movie she has wanted to see.

[squimp]

How old is she? I tend to trust my DD, and respect her feelings. I mean that if she didn't want to do something, I wouldn't force her but also would want to understand the underlying reasons. I do wonder if she is caught between the two of you a little, trying to please both. It seems to me that you don't want her to get close to her grandma, but I may be misreading that.

I used to spend a ton of time with my grandmother, I was really close to her and it was great. I just loved spending the night at her place.

[Mom to Brandon and 2 cats]

[QUOTE=squimp;4242383]How old is she?

OP here. DD is 7, so old enough to remember if I force her to do something she doesn't want to do. She doesn't have a very close relationship with her cousin, but will play with her if we're at a family gathering. I'm not worried about my mom mistreating DD.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous that my mom is pushing the issue.

[SnuggleBuggles]

[QUOTE=squimp;4242383]How old is she?

OP here. DD is 7, so old enough to remember if I force her to do something she doesn't want to do. She doesn't have a very close relationship with her cousin, but will play with her if we're at a family gathering. I'm not worried about my mom mistreating DD.

My husband thinks it's ridiculous that my mom is pushing the issue.

You just aren't convincing me that encouraging her to go once will be a horrible thing. Have her go and see what happens. I guess I'll just be a bad mom and override a 7yo. My kids love sleeping over at grandma's so I just think trying it is worthwhile.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[StantonHyde]

meh, if grandma is not mean or bad or even a pain....try it once. I do think it odd that grandma is pushing the issue--that is what raised the red flags for me. But if otherwise its ok, give it a whirl. If DD doesn't like it, tell her she doesn't have to go again--and mean it.

[123LuckyMom]

I feel like OP could be steering her dd's relationship with grandma. OP second guessing her dd's yes to her grandma might have put her dd in an uncomfortable position. Really, it's one night. If it sucks, she doesn't have to do it again. I just don't see this as a big deal or something to work hard to avoid.
ETA- I think OP's kiddo, if I'm remembering right, isn't little and would likely totally fine sleeping over at someone's house.
I also think at a certain age, hanging with grandma would naturally be low on the list of favorite things to do, hence the potential "not really". I'm just picturing a preteen/ teen shrugging not bc there's anything wrong with going to grandmas but just because they'd rather not. That's not a compelling reason to avoid, imo.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree with this. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. Very. She had a very difficult relationship with her mother, too, but she fostered my relationship with my grandmother, and I adored my grandmother! I remember my mother telling me that her mother was not a good mother for her but that she was an excellent grandmother, and I have fostered my own children's relationship with my mother as result. I wouldn't say my mother is the best grandparent in the whole world, but my children adore her and know how much she loves them. I am a firm believer that people can never have too many people loving and rooting for them. If your mother wants to further her relationship with your child, I would do what I could to support that happening. Your mother, though she wasn't a great parent to you, might end up being a great grandparent to your child, but your DD will feel your reticence, even if you never say anything, and it will influence how she thinks about your mother. You may have to push her out of her (and your) comfort zone a little bit, but I definitely would. Of course if your daughter is frightened or something similar, I wouldn't force her, but if she just doesn't want to, I'd overrule her. She may end up having a great time and strengthening important relationships with her grandmother and her cousin.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[TwinFoxes]

OP here. DD is 7, so old enough to remember if I force her to do something she doesn't want to do. She doesn't have a very close relationship with her cousin, but will play with her if we're at a family gathering.

My kids have a list of things I've made them do, starting with "go to kindergarten" up to including "finishing a sport for which I won rookie of the year and ended up loving". :) I believe cousin relationships are important. They may not be close now, but a little together time could make that relationship blossom.

I will say, that my vision is clouded by the fact that my mom never met my kids, and I'd one-thousand percent give a limb to have her around to parent me in my forties.

[georgiegirl]

Even based in the new info, I still wouldn't make her go. None of my kids want to sleep over at grandmas house. They just aren't into sleepovers in general and like to be near by at night. However, they are close with all three of their grandmas and have zero problem spending alone time with them. I'm not a fan of pressuring a kid into spending a night away when the kid doesn't want to. I'm also not a fan of forcing kids to give grandma a kiss.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[pinkmomagain]

Even based in the new info, I still wouldn't make her go. None of my kids want to sleep over at grandmas house. They just aren't into sleepovers in general and like to be near by at night. However, they are close with all three of their grandmas and have zero problem spending alone time with them. I'm not a fan of pressuring a kid into spending a night away when the kid doesn't want to. I'm also not a fan of forcing kids to give grandma a kiss.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yes. I am really pretty shocked by all the responses of people feeling OP should encourage her dd to sleepover. I don't get it at all. It's not like OP is trying to block the relationship but trying to figure out how to handle the situation since her dd verbally said yes to gma (after being pressed), but indicated to OP that's not what she truly wanted to do.

[specialp]

If my child was adamant she didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t make her and would try to come up with something different/special for them to do. If she was indifferent/unsure, I would encourage her to go. I worry the daughter is just responding what she thinks she should depending on who is asking. Grandma asks so she says yes. She knows mom doesn’t approve so when mom asks, she says “not really.”

I don’t know what it means that grandma is “pushing the issue.” Is she calling everyday? or has she asked a couple of times? What are you saying in response? If you are ignoring or not answering, that might be why, but if grandma still believes GD wants to spend the night with her and cousin, I do not see what is odd about trying to make that happen and nail down a date because otherwise it never happens.

[jgenie]

Even based in the new info, I still wouldn't make her go. None of my kids want to sleep over at grandmas house. They just aren't into sleepovers in general and like to be near by at night. However, they are close with all three of their grandmas and have zero problem spending alone time with them. I'm not a fan of pressuring a kid into spending a night away when the kid doesn't want to. I'm also not a fan of forcing kids to give grandma a kiss.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

This is me right down to no hugs or kisses if DC aren't in the mood.

[bisous]

Yes. I am really pretty shocked by all the responses of people feeling OP should encourage her dd to sleepover. I don't get it at all. It's not like OP is trying to block the relationship but trying to figure out how to handle the situation since her dd verbally said yes to gma (after being pressed), but indicated to OP that's not what she truly wanted to do.

Yeah, I'm having a hard time seeing it any other way. I say this as someone who has kids that would love to spend the night at any of their three grandmothers' homes! I just feel like something like this is where we prove that we really listen to our kids and respect their wants and wishes. The fact that it is a sleepover is also, IMO significant. I don't think kids should ever be forced to sleepover anywhere they don't wish. The relationship can be fostered in other ways.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My kids have a list of things I've made them do, starting with "go to kindergarten" up to including "finishing a sport for which I won rookie of the year and ended up loving". :) I believe cousin relationships are important. They may not be close now, but a little together time could make that relationship blossom.

I will say, that my vision is clouded by the fact that my mom never met my kids, and I'd one-thousand percent give a limb to have her around to parent me in my forties.

:hug:

Totally with you. I make my kids do things all the time. Playing with your cousins and probably having yummy pancakes for breakfast is, yeah, something I'd force my kids to do. I never had cousins my age and would have loved it so much!

[123LuckyMom]

The thing is that children are children, and they still need guidance. They aren't mature enough to make every important decision for themselves. I would NEVER force my child to give someone a hug or a kiss, because everyone should have autonomy over their own bodies, but have I made them go to a class they signed up for and love on the night they don't feel like it? Yes! Has that little push-- or even big push-- ever backfired? No. Sometimes we don't feel like going somewhere, but it's important for us to go, so we do it. I definitely listen to my kids and acknowledge their feelings, but I also remind them of their responsibilities and guide them when that's necessary. I suspect the OP's DD doesn't really know what she wants in this situation. She doesn't know who to try to please. It's the OP's responsibility as the adult to decide whether it's important to foster her daughter's relationship with her grandmother and cousin or not and whether a sleepover at this time is the way to do it. In my house, that would be the adult's decision. The adult decision would consider all the variables, including the child's feelings, but the decision would not be left up to the child alone. I offered my opinion that if the decision were in my hands, I would consider the relationships important to foster, and I would see the sleepover as an opportunity to do that away from my own ambivalence and potential influence.

My kids don't decide when and if they go to school, to sports/classes, to religious services, or to family functions. They can express an opinion, which I will take into account, but ultimately it's my responsibility to make decisions for them about responsibilities and relationships that I know are important but they may not perceive as such. I explain my reasoning to them. They can get upset and express their frustration, but they need to yield to my judgment sometimes, because I am the grownup, and guiding them is my job.


Sent from my iPhone using Baby Bargains (http://r.tapatalk.com/byo?rid=87652)

[Green_Tea]

OP, does your daughter routinely sleepover at other people's houses?

My kids don't like sleepovers, with family or with friends. They are 10, 12, and 14 and my oldest two JUST spent the night at my parents' house for the first time last month. I never pushed it because they really just hate sleeping away from their own beds. They don't even like hotels! It just didn't seem worth it, as it would have made them miserable and would have made my parents miserable, too. They are fine being away from us, and my parents and my sisters have stayed with them here in our house on many occasions.

I guess whether or not the OP should push it really depends on the reasons why her DD doesn't want to go.

[Kymberley]

If I didn't have a close relationship with my mother and limited the time I spent with her, and my young child told me that he didn't want to spend the night with grandmother, I would respect that and not force the situation. Why make a child do something with someone you don't even like to be around?

[Liziz]

So, absent concerns of abuse or bad influence, etc., I think that fostering relationships with grandparents is extremely important. I absolutely would "force" my children to spend time with their grandparents.

But, I would never force my child to spend the night at someone's house just because (if I needed childcare, etc. that's different). I have always hated spending the night away from my own house. When I was a kid, I was the one who would choose to skip a sleepover, or ask to be picked up at midnight. I just didn't like it. It made me uncomfortable and unhappy. Could I handle it? Yeah. Would it be a way to foster a relationship with someone? Not a chance.

OP, if there's a chance that this is a case of your daughter telling each party (you and your mom) what they want to hear, what about asking your DH to talk to her? Hopefully since he's a neutral party, she would be honest with him. If she wants to go, by all means, support her. If she doesn't want to go, I would not make her. However, I would push to set up a "replacement" time with Grandma (and cousin) -- maybe a movie night, where you pick her up late, or maybe just something in the afternoon. That serves the purpose of helping to foster the relationship with Grandma without putting your daughter into a situation in which she's not comfortable.

[TwinFoxes]

Yes. I am really pretty shocked by all the responses of people feeling OP should encourage her dd to sleepover. I don't get it at all. It's not like OP is trying to block the relationship but trying to figure out how to handle the situation since her dd verbally said yes to gma (after being pressed), but indicated to OP that's not what she truly wanted to do.

I think you're reading it differently than I am. If I really thought the DD didn't want to go, eh, okay. But OP said her daughter first said yes, and then said no when she questioned her about it. I'm not convinced the daughter doesn't want to go. If she had said "I have a great relationship with my mom, and DD doesn't want to go," I think I'd feel differently. But the whole "I have a difficult relationship, my daughter said yes only because she was being a "good girl" but now she says no when I questioned her" just seems like there's a possibility that OP's daughter really wants to go, but doesn't want to go against her mom's desires. I'm just saying that OP should look at her own wording and motivations. Did she use neutral words like "hey, grandma says you want to spend the night, do you want to go Saturday?" or "Do you really want to spend the night with grandma? Because I didn't think you'd want to?"

I'm pretty sure the whole forcing kids to give kisses has gone the way of the dinosaurs, especially among BBB moms.

[Neatfreak]

Grandma manipulated that "Yes" out of her granddaughter. That's not cool at all.

Whatever the OP's unwritten reluctance to arranging the sleepover is, that action tells something about Grandma's character that has nothing to do with OP's relationship with her.

[HannaAddict]

She's only 7. If she isn't super close to grandma and isn't an enthusiastic "yes!" then nope. Kids can't be forced or pushed into having good relationships with grandparents. The pushing to have the granddaughter over is what bothers me. She should say whenever you want to, you are always welcome vs trying to pin her down. It is all about the grandma's needs vs good relationship. Makes me uncomfortable reading about it. Your child, your boundaries, your rules.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MamaSnoo]

So, absent concerns of abuse or bad influence, etc., I think that fostering relationships with grandparents is extremely important. I absolutely would "force" my children to spend time with their grandparents.

But, I would never force my child to spend the night at someone's house just because (if I needed childcare, etc. that's different). I have always hated spending the night away from my own house. When I was a kid, I was the one who would choose to skip a sleepover, or ask to be picked up at midnight. I just didn't like it. It made me uncomfortable and unhappy. Could I handle it? Yeah. Would it be a way to foster a relationship with someone? Not a chance.

OP, if there's a chance that this is a case of your daughter telling each party (you and your mom) what they want to hear, what about asking your DH to talk to her? Hopefully since he's a neutral party, she would be honest with him. If she wants to go, by all means, support her. If she doesn't want to go, I would not make her. However, I would push to set up a "replacement" time with Grandma (and cousin) -- maybe a movie night, where you pick her up late, or maybe just something in the afternoon. That serves the purpose of helping to foster the relationship with Grandma without putting your daughter into a situation in which she's not comfortable.


This, exactly.

My DS is younger than the OPs DD (I think), and for a long time did not want to stay over at the GPs. My DD is fine with it, and likes going. DS loves it when the GPs sleep-over at our house (so he is great with the GPs, he just does not want to stay away from home without me and DH).

I arrange other options to foster time between the GPs and my DCs, and I know that when and if DS wants to, he will spend the night over there as well.

[citymama]

I think your DD should do what she is comfortable with. "Making" her do something like this if she doesn't really want to is just not a good precedent. Heck, we have a great relationship with DH's parents and they would love to have the kids sleepover - but my younger DD just isn't ready, and I wouldn't make her. I would let D go only if she was really keen to do so and if you felt she would be safe and cared for.

[Kymberley]

oops, double post